And the only girl I'd love is the girl who'd hate to love me.
The fucking worst shit for me.
Grubby, sloppy, nasty, grungy, muddy, scummy, uncleanly, slimy, unwashed, grimy, soiled, sooty, unkempt, unbrushed mess of brown oily hair matting at the top of her head. Gross
Odd, eccentric, bizarre, off color, unusual, weird...
Unnatural.
Does that make me a self absorbed prick to fall for someone exactly like me?
Does it make me a sick, demented fuck that the person is my flesh, tissue and blood.
The sharer of 50% of my genetics.
My own twin sister...
I wonder if my ego is inflated. I mean I must be one conceited dude to have only had feelings for someone who looks EXACTLY like me, and acts EXACTLY like me... The female Phil. I've always kind of been one to capitalize on our eerie similarities, to where it's convinced me there just isn't anyone out there for me...except her. Even though that isn't uncommon of twins to be exactly alike in every which way. Well I take that back, we USE to be alike. Ever since Diane and her followers Leslie and Bret tried to get Lil to join the dark forces of fake nails, mall shopping and boy/girl parties, we haven't. They did happen to drag Lil into going to one once when we were in 6th grade, this was the same day those stuck-up Prima donna's and pretty boy Bret convinced her to move out of our room we shared. Any way, they were talking shit about me. (What else is new?) and Lil defended me... I thought that was the end of them, but they forgave her for being "socially inept" or whatever... and took her back into their clutches.
I guess I shouldn't be too surprised. Lil isn't exactly unattractive. But damn did they have to go and completely brainwash her into abandoning her mud-bathing, food fighting, gross out ways! Now she is part of Diane's crew... Which apparently means basing your appearance off of magazines and dumbing yourself down so guys will screw you. Which doesn't surprise me one bit about Bret if you know what I mean. I don't feel threatened that he hangs out with my sister on the merry little fact that I saw his wondering eyes scoping out Z's junk in the boys room 8th grade year. Yeah, I outed him of the closet looong ago.
Guess it's for the best that this secret I'm keeping from her is going to stay locked in a steal vault. I don't have the balls to tell my own sister that I'm in love with her.
As soon as I get my tray lunch I head straight out the cafeteria doors toward to lunch courtyard. I have to divert away from the popular table indoors where my sister always sits. I'm a fan of the 'out of mind, out of sight' method when it comes to not thinking about a girl. As soon as I get outside I spot Tommy, Dil and Chuckie sitting at our usual spot. Kimi hasn't sat down yet so I assume she is still waiting in the lunch line. They must be in one hell of a conversation because they haven't even noticed me standing behind them. The Yu-Gotta-Go craze must be back. Or maybe their cracking jokes about Chetwyn getting milk nose.
"Neat! So how far into the movie did she get her shirt wet?'"
Ah girls. Figures. Why am I not surprised?
I'm glad they haven't noticed me yet, gives me a second to think up my A-game. You see I've bullshited up this story that I've been dating this hot, blonde who attends a different high school. I was killing time on the Myspazz website when Harold Frumpkin started an e-war with me in comments. Right after that sub Mr. Fritz left he and Angelica got together and have been dating ever since. One of those geeks get the girl deals. He kept on blabbering on and on about Angelica... So yeah, I called her a slut.
As you can tell I detest the shallow, superficial, pom-pom head types. I'm a bit biased for the fact that those are the girls who took Lillian away from me, but honestly I just prefer Lil's nonconformity over the fake girl type. THAT and... Angelica really looks like a slut.
He started bitching about how she "wasn't" and at least he had a girlfriend. Normally I'd let that one slide. I'm a pretty laid back guy and Harold's two cents aren't worth shit to me. Just that Chuckie and Tommy were standing right behind me at the time. I didn't want them to think too much into me signing off. First they'd wonder why I never had a girlfriend, they'd piece the puzzle together. Tommy would assume that I was gay. Dil would assume I was a HaumeaSexual, which meant I was only attracted to the female lifeforms of the Planet Haumea, like he likes... (Seriously, don't ask.)
Now being gay or an... alien girl lover was a whole lot better than them finding out that I was in love with Lil. I didn't want them to finally get there. I just glared into the screen, cool hand luke styled, and typed away. "I do so have a girlfriend Frumpkin! She just doesn't go here."
Since then the guys are always grilling my ass about her. "Have you stolen any panties from her drawer when you were at her house?
"Have you seen her bra yet... While she was wearing it?"
"What's her name?" Am I stating the obvious that the last one was asked by first base Finster?
However I became fond of the name Pam.
Since the topic was on the opposite sex I had to play by cards right and let them think I was very into hotter, older, blonder "Pam."
"Hey gentlemen. Do any of you have a condom to spare?" It's a damn near lie if any of them pretend that they do. I know they're all virgins. I mean hey I am too but it's just funny as fuck to mess with them like this. I use my laidback and composed tone. I didn't have to fidget with my lips not to curl into a smirk anymore when I lied. I'd been lying for so many years now about not having feelings for my sister, everything else was cake.
... Though I did have to fight the urge to bust a gut if I burst out laughing from their dropped jaws. Tommy and Chuckie sat there speechless. Dil didn't really seem to care, he was just fiddling with some intergalactic transmitter, which was a metal clothing hanger. I slide my tray down next to him so that I would be sitting across from Chuckie and Tommy. I wanted to face them, seeing as they were more likely to bite the bait than Dil.
Chuckie's arms were starting to accumulate sweat because his elbows which were propped up onto the table, slipped now. "C-c-condom?"
I liked Chuckie's eyes with glasses. I could see his nervous reaction best.
"Yep." I blink my half-lidded eyes. I could transition them in this way quick as a fox now. I used this stare a lot, it was the stare I gave to people that I was lying to. It was calm enough to assure them to trust me even though I was piling nothing but complete bullshit down their throats.
"Alriiiight Phil! You and Pam gonna seal the deal tonight?"
Tommy tried to sound experienced, but the lifelessness in his pocket where no Trojan occupied gave him away. Right then and there I wanted to laugh my ass off at how Tommy was playing it cool. I could tell he was squirming. As the leader of our group he was obviously ticked off and jealous that he thought I would be losing it first and not him.
"Was planning on it. But I need a rubber." I took a bite of of my sandwich casually just to piss him off.
All of a sudden their eyes reached an all new wide and they were as silent as laboratory mice. I figure I must have said something so I keep it going, this all with a cocky, confident show-offy grin plastered at my face. "So do you virgins have a glove or not? C'mon I seriously want to plow this chick!"
My heart jumps off a suicide bride and lands right into my lower gut. I fall victim of complete basket case syndrome. I feel sicker than when I ate molded cheese. I'm tight-lipped, tongue-tied, voiceless. I think I'm going to hurl my lunch all over my shoes. Lil was standing right behind me.
"Oh my goodness..."
She has a brown bag pulled tightly against her torso. Her eyes and searching over my frame with shuddersome disgust. I take it she heard... and bought that entire act. She just shakes her head then walks away and I'm left to pick up the pieces. Great, here I am to wipe the egg off of my face. I can't believe she had to overhear that! Now she thinks I'm an asshole, some kind of sex pervert. Someone who pressures girls to sleep with him. Greaaat, friggen great!
As much as I hate the idea of her thinking that's the kind of dude I am, maybe it's better if I disgust her. I'd rather her think I'm a jackass than a sicko who wants her. At least with the first one she'd still talk to me. (Assuming her friends aren't around.)