A/N: This is all Audrey's (LornaCat's) fault. Blame her. That is all. ^_^ (Just kidding, I love you, wifey) But anyway, this chapter WAS inspired by her – and by Callian Winston, the tiny green stuffed octopus she sent me – so it really is her fault. But apparently she's alright with that. Ahem. SO, Cal and Gillian from Lie to Me invade the interview this time, and…well, craziness ensues. If you don't watch Lie to Me…you should. But you'll still understand this fic, I think. Enjoy!
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ET: We're back with the survivors of Oceanic Flight 815 and their Island buddies—
Jack [interrupts]: Whoa, whoa, wait just a minute. Let me clarify: Ben Linus is not our buddy.
Juliet [shakes head]: Definitely not.
ET: Well, we've got a few questions about that, Dr. Burke…and to assist us in finding the truth, we've brought in some specialists in lie detection, Dr. Cal Lightman and Dr. Gillian Foster. Together, they run the Lightman Group, which is a company devoted to uncovering the truth by reading people's facial expressions and body language. Human lie detectors, if you will.
Sawyer: Son of a bitch.
Cal: Right, so…they want us to ask you some questions. Don't get excited, yeah? Just be honest. I know that might not be the strong suit for a lot of ya, but, ya know, do yah best.
Kate: [giggles]
Cal: What are you laughing at, Miss I'm-a-wanted-felon? What? Thought I didn't know about that?
Juliet: [giggles]
Cal [to Juliet]: Right, so we'll start with you. What's your name, love?
Juliet: Juliet Burke.
Cal: Burke, eh? That your married name?
Juliet: [slight facial twitch]
Cal: Don't like your husband much, do ya?
Juliet [very calmly]: Ex-husband.
Cal: Of course he is. Real sod, I bet. Am I right on that? [slight pause] Yeah I am. So…tell me, doctah…'ow did you come to be on the island?
Juliet: [looks over at Ben, glares]
Gillian: That's deep-seeded contempt. So Mr. Linus brought you to the island against your will? Or kept you on the island against your will…[pause] So he kept you. For how long?
Juliet: Three years now.
Gillian: And are you still loyal to him?
Juliet: [flashes anger]
Cal: That's a yes, but…you don't wanna be, do you, love.
Juliet: [swallows]
Gillian: Swallowing. That's a sign of strong emotion—
Sawyer: [giggles]
Cal: Oh get your mind outta the guttah, will ya?
Sawyer: What? Your lady's the one throwin' innuendos at me…[to Gillian] How's it goin', sweetheart? [grins]
Gillian: [shifts uncomfortably, awkward smile]
Cal: Oi! You stay away from her, you hear me?
Sawyer: Ooh, did I strike a nerve, there, Queen Elizabeth? You want her, don'cha? You want her bad, but she don't want you…[mockingly] am I right on that? [smirks]
Cal: I'm the one readin' faces here. Bugger off.
Sawyer: Know what I think?
Cal: I don't really care.
Sawyer [continues anyway]: I think you're just a big ole British chicken. I think you're too scared ta tell her you want her or to do anything about it.
Cal: That so? Then why aren't you doin' anything about the woman you want?
Sawyer: I've already been with her. [nods toward Kate, look of disgust]
Cal: I'm not talkin' about Jailbird Barbie…I'm talkin' about her. [looks at Juliet]
Sawyer: [flashes surprised expression followed by lust]
Cal: See that? Pupils dilated, can't stop starin' at her…you want her bad, but she doesn't want you…[grins, then turns to Juliet] Or do you, love?
Juliet: [flashes surprise] I…
Ben: What is this, the Love Connection? Get on with it!
Cal: Oh, see now that's jealousy, that is. Dangerous emotion. Drives people to do a lotta crazy things…like murder, even.
Ben: [bug-eyes widen] I'll shut up now.
Cal: That's the most brilliant thing I've heard all day.
[Juliet and Sawyer exchange longing looks, which do not go unnoticed by Jack, Kate, Cal, and Gillian.]
ET: WELL, now that we're irreversibly off-topic…
Cal [snaps back to reality after staring at Gillian]: Oh, right. Well, Dr. Burke, they wanted me to determine where your loyalties lie, but even in goin' off-topic, I feel like I've answered that. How good am I? [grins proudly]
Gillian: [clears throat]
Cal: Couldn't have done it without you, love, as usual. [smiles affectionately]
Sawyer: Oh just go get a room, already, Romeo.
Cal: Why? You're the one who's got the hots for Juliet.
Sawyer: [flashes surprise, then shrugs in resignation] Whattaya say, sweetheart? [looks at Juliet, grins]
Juliet: [giggles and nods]
Sawyer: Alrighty, then. [smirks and lifts her into his arms, carrying her off.]
Ben, Jack, and Kate: [mouths agape in shock]
Cal: Well now that that's settled…any more lies you want me to get to the bottom of?
Kate [raises hand]: Ooh, me, me, pick me!
Cal [rolls eyes]: Yes, Katherine?
Kate: Does Jack love me?
Cal [rolls eyes again, then looks at Jack, who gives a slight shake of his head]: Nope. Next question?
Kate: [pouts]
Locke: Is Jack really a man of science or a man of faith?
Cal: Well, he's a doctah, right? So, there's that. Also the fact that he's starin' daggers into you right now, leads me to believe he's not very keen on you or your teachings, am I right? Yeah. But, I think he's doubtin' all that, cause…well, out in the jungle, what with all the death and smoke monstahs an' all that, it's not easy to pin that on pure science, innit? So. Anything else before I pack it in? Gill and I have a hot date to get to.
Gillian: We do?
Cal: Oh, did I forget ta mention that, love? Sorry. You wanna go on a hot date with me, then?
Gillian [giggles]: I thought you'd never ask.
Cal: Right, then. Must be shovin' off. Pleasure meetin' you all…[glances at Kate and Ben]…well, most of ya. Laters!
[Cal takes Gillian's hand and they sail off together on a yacht.]
Jack: What the…where did that come from?
Locke: Those two weren't meant to be here, Jack. The Island didn't need them, so they were able to go.
Jack: Oh shut up.
-Scene-