Summery: We know Lisbon raised her brothers. But we know nothing about her feelings doing do. Has she regrets? Maybe she wanted more than she got in the end?

A/N: A dark little fic on how Lisbon felt about being a surrogate mother.

Disclaimer: Don't own...

Pendulum

Behind my eyes there's rage alone. But you don't understand it was all home- grown. I'm not afraid I just don't belong. It may be cynical but it all seems wrong.

She lay on her bedroom floor. Eyes fixed on the ceiling. Her breath came heavy and wrecked. Tears slid down her face. Her heart beating rapidly. Wiping the blood from her face. She could hear the quiet cries from next door. Her youngest brother's room. But she couldn't make herself move. So she listened to her breathing and the muffled sobs from next door. Soon smashing and cursing from downstairs added to the sounds she concentrated on wishing herself away. Far away from this place. From the responsibility plunked onto her shoulders. The expectations everybody around her seem to have that she struggled to live up to. Life in general left her exhausted. Her emotions ashamed. She felt so torn. She'd be graduating in a few weeks and all she could picture her future to be was this stupid job at the diner and the job at home. She felt ashamed for wanting more. Wanting more than seeing her brothers happy. More than keeping their father's abusive streak from them. Taking it all herself. She had an inkling that Tommy knew. But if he did, he certainly remained blissfully unaware as to not end up in a position he might have to come out of his passive state and stand up for his sister. She felt rage. And of course shame followed suit. She could be more. Every teacher in highschool shook their heads in disbelief when Teresa told them she'd not accept the scholarship and study medicine but stay here to collect herself. What bullshit. She'd always dreamt of being a surgeon.

All these fears and all this love. All you've given me is not enough.

The door opened behind her and her youngest brothers entered the room cautiously. The youngest James had only been born when their mother died and had just now stopped calling Teresa mum. He clutched his teddy to his chest. Matt, two years older than James had his hand on his brother's back. Both waiting for her to acknowledge them. Seeing them standing there. Clear as day that they loved her deeply Teresa felt even guiltier. She loved them with all her heart and the last thing she wanted for them was to have a bad childhood. But she couldn't help but realize that the love they've been giving her was not enough. She beckoned them to enter when another flood of curses erupted from the lower level of the house. Slowly they eased themselves down next to their sister and snuggled up to her. She cared deeply. She couldn't stand the thought of them getting hurt by their father so leaving never really was an option. All she could do was hope that love will be enough.

thx for reading

The song is from Pendulum - The fountain (great band check it out if you haven't heard of them. Awesome drum ´n´bass)