Disclaimer: I do not own the characters. I've gotten this idea from reading multiple fics from a few fandoms, mostly Star Wars, about this sort of thing. So…
Hello! This is the Doctor speaking and you've reached the TARDIS. For those of you who don't know, that's my awesome time travelling ship. Also, I'm in my 10th reincarnation. I'm afraid I've died…again. But don't worry—I look really good! If you hear this message, that means I'm not here right now. I'm probably saving the universe or a few select planets from destruction. Most likely Earth. If you need my services, please leave full details. If you want to kill me, you shouldn't have this number. And if your name is Rose Tyler, I—
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Hello, Doctor. This is Torchwood. Before this message is explained in full detail I would like you to understand that everything said in this message is strictly confidential and should it leak out into the public, you will be fined and arrested. That said, your help is needed on Earth. I know the history of the Torchwood Institute specifically involves your being banned from the United Kingdom, but exceptions shall be made if you can save Earth from a rather…sticky…situation that has occurred. The fate of the Earth and the reputation of the Institute are at stake. Please respond as soon as possible.
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You are the Doctor! You will be Exterminated!
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You are the Doctor. You and the Daleks shall be deleted. Delete!
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Hullo there, Doctor! I'm the Doctor! I have to say, you are looking quite sexy today. Ignore any comments your wayward companion might give you. You know you're the best looking man in the universe and don't let any human or other alien creature tell you otherwise.
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Have I reached the TARDIS? Hi, this is Rose Tyler! I'm in a parallel universe and I just wanted to tell you that the darkness is coming. What? What do you mean that's not clear? He knows what it means! No? Okay, Donna knows what it means. Shut up, Mickey! Everyone knows what that means! No, I can't explain it!
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Hello, Rose again. Just in case I wasn't clear before, the problem with the darkness is in the parallel universe you dropped me off in, but it's going over to your universe as well. I'm sorry I can't give you directions. You'll need to find it on your own.
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The Daleks have not received a reply. Explain! EXPLAIN!
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This is Donna Noble telling you to stop calling yourself to tell yourself that you look good! I hope you get this message.
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Hello, I am a Concerned Citizen calling about the lost moon of Poosh. Um, our moon is gone. It's been gone for quite awhile but you don't seem to be concerned with that. If anything, you should find our moon because we need to name it, as it isn't really called the lost moon of Poosh. Thank you.
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Hello, this is the Concerned Citizen again. We of Poosh do not appreciate you making a law on our planet having our the moon officially named 'Lost Moon of Poosh'. You aren't even a government official!
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Hello, Captain Jack Harkness here. I've gotten into a bit of trouble with a lovely lady and was wondering if you could use that TARDIS of yours to help me out of it.
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Hello, Doctor here. Jack, I couldn't care less about your sex life and, frankly, you would be better off without one. You know, you can't keep doing this, going around having sex with every living thing you meet. Yes, I know about all those times. I'm not a Time Lord for nothing. And why aren't you answering? You told me you would answer and—oh. Have I called myself?
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Doctor, Donna again. If you're not going to listen to me when I'm right next to you then you'll listen to me now. Stop trying to get us killed! And would it kill you to be a bit less…rude?
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Yes, I know you wanted to be a ginger but that is no reason to be rude.
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I don't CARE if rudeness was programmed into your new personality! Who do you think you are, anyway? The King of England?
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Hullo, Doctor here! Just leaving a message for Donna since I know she likes to listen to my messages. I'm the Doctor and I don't know if she's noticed but I'm a Lord of Time. Of TIME! Lord of Time trumps King of England! HA!
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Only a Lord of Time? Not a King of Time? I don't know about you, but I know that King is better than Lord any day!
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Hey Doctor, Sarah Jane Smith here. You said you would call back and you haven't called back. I'll just have you know that I'm fine here, thank you. Actually, no thanks to you. I'm perfectly fine here on Earth without you…..Call me back.
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Um, hi, I'm like to schedule an appointment. I think I have…well, it's embarrassing. It has to do with…never mind. But you must be good if you save the universe. So…please, help me. My girlfriend would kill me if I didn't get checked. Thanks.
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Hey, Gwen of Torchwood here. You know, Jack mentions you a lot and I just want to know, who the hell are you?
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Exterminate! Exterminate!
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DELETE!
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The time for Dalek invasion is ripening! You will be destroyed, Doctor! Destroyed!
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Doctor, this is Donna. Do you ever listen to your messages, or do you just leave them for yourself? Because you seem to have a lot of new messages…
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Hey Doctor, Jack here. Now before you start lecturing me on my sex life with various species I'd just like to let you know that this has nothing to do with that. It has to do with you…and me…going for a drink? I think you'd enjoy that. When's the last time you've loosened up, had a drink or two, ended up staying the night with a couple of interesting friends? You know what I mean. Call me.
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Hello. I'm the Doctor. The 11th regeneration of you, to be specific. I was doing an experiment in time-travel calling and I hope this works, otherwise I'll just be listening to this message a few minutes from now. I think if there's anything you should know about your 11th regeneration it is this: you still are not a ginger.
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Welcome to your TARDIS voicemail, Time Lord and the Best Person In the Whole Universe, the Doctor. You have 50 new messages and 1 message from the future.