Summary: If I could have made Bella's choice for her, things would be WAY different. Humor/Parody story. Major Edward bashing, so read at your own risk if you are a fan of him.

Chapter Four,
This is the Scene Where We Find Out EVERYTHING

On the way back, though, we stopped at the police station. There were a lot of lights still on, an ambulance, and several other squad cars. Worried about my Dad, I hopped out and ran into Edward and Carlisle out front.

Edward obviously beat me there—or knew I'd show up. They explained to me that one of my Dad's dear friends had been killed in an animal attack—similar to one that my Dad had told me about earlier. When I went inside to comfort him, he gave me a can of pepper spray and made me promise I'd use it. I decided to not tell him about my ordeal that night, since he was grieving. In the future, the danger might not mean as much-I had pepper spray!

That night, I read my nearly-forgotten book of legends. It talked about that 'enemy clan' that the Cullen's were supposedly descendents of. I googled it for fun, wondering if they had any current articles about tribe animosity.

Instead, hundreds and hundreds of articles about vampires came up. Vampire art, history, legends, locations, names, descriptions… cold, white, fast, strong, and a blood drinker.
"Sounds like Edward," I mused. "I'll ask him about HIS family legends tomorrow. Then we can talk like normal people." I tried not to think about the fact that he seems like a superhero sometimes. Adrenaline rush, I reminded myself. Adrenaline rush only.

The next morning, I caught Edward outside of school. "Hey my rescuing friend," I greeted. "I have a question. I was asking and reading about Quileute legends, and according to my pal Jacob, you're family is like—descendants of vampires. Naturally I don't believe that. But still, it's kinda cool. Got any awesome family stories? I'd like to hear them."

"ShutUP," Edward hissed, grabbing my arm. "Stop it. Now."

"Let go," I said, peeved. "Sorry if I offended you. Just thought I'd ask. I'm a history buff. I'm trying to be NICE."

The last of the students went inside. I hastened to follow—this side of the school was suddenly devoid of people. I didn't want to be left alone with my kindly stalker. Edward didn't let go of my arm.

"We can't talk about the vampire stuff in front of people," he hissed, "Come to the woods. You can make your accusations there."

"HECK NO!" I screeched, trying to pull away. Suddenly, he threw me behind him and lifted me up, so I was riding piggy-back style. He grasped both legs. "AAAAAAGH!" I screamed. I started beating his shoulders, hurting my hands with every punch. "LET ME GO YOU FREAK! HEEEELP! HEEEEELP!"

Suddenly, with speed too fast for any human, Edward ran into the woods in a matter of seconds. He ran so fast I felt my stomach fall behind like taking off on a roller coaster. I screamed and punched the back of his head the whole time. Before I knew it, we were DEEP inside the forest. Then he put me down.

"Wow, okay, NOW I know," I gasped, sitting on a log. "You've got super speed too, among you're other talents. And LET ME GUESS. You're what the articles said."

"Say it." Edward said dramatically, looking at me hard. "Out loud."

"Why..." I looked around. "What for?"

"JUST," Edward said, controlling a temper tantrum I bet. "SAY IT."

"Vamp," I spat sarcastically, my lips popping on the P. "Ire."
A pause. He didn't say anything.
"There. It wasn't so hard," I said, "Now I'm leaving."
Frightened, I turned and began to run away. He was suddenly in front of me, blocking my path.

"Let me pass," I tried to stay calm.

"You still don't believe me—you don't believe I am a vampire, and you don't believe I won't hurt you." He looked angry and sad.

"Congratulations, smart one," I said.

"I'm going to show you what I look like in the sunlight," Edward grabbed me a second time, and took off faster than the speed of light through the woods. It's a wonder he didn't run right into a tree. He led me up the mountain, to its peak. I screamed the whole way, beating my fists against him and grabbing fistfulls of his hair. Nothing worked!

He put me down sometime later, and began to walk away from me. I wrung my now-bruised hands, saying in a sing-song voice, "I'm gonna die, I'm gonna die, I'm gonna die, I'm gonna die…"

"This is why we can't go out into sunlight," he said, unbuttoning his shirt.

"WHOA!" I erupted. "Let's keep it PG, okay?"

He stepped into a shaft of light drifting through an opening in the trees. He was sparkling like diamonds. His skin was... glowing. Like faceted glass. Like putting prisms in a window.
I put a hand over my mouth, trying not to snort.

"This is what I am," Edward said dramatically.

I giggled. "You sparkle," I said dubiously. "You freaking sparkle?" I let out another laugh. "YOU SPARKLE." I tried so hard not to laugh—unsuccessfully. "I'm sorry," I snickered, "I don't mean to mock your skin. But… well, you sparkle. You kind of had it coming."

"This is the skin of a killer, Bella," he said, in a tortured voice.

"Oh help," I whispered under my breath, taking a step back. My gosh—he's going to KILL ME! I fumbled in my pocket, wondering if I could call 911. I whipped my cell phone out—naturally, no service!

"I've killed people before," Edward repeated in the same tone.

"I believe you!" I agreed. "Are we done yet?"

"Everything about me invites you in, my voice, my face—even my smell!" Edward sounded disgusted with himself.

"Wait," I said, "Can we rewind? Where was the part where I was invited in? And yeah, you DO smell good—I guess even vampires use deoderant."

"As if you NEED any of that," Edward continued. Suddenly disappeared—and reappeared, faster than anything I'd seen before, on a ledge of mountainside to my left. "AS IF YOU COULD OUTRUN ME!" He yelled.

"Why are you yelling?" I asked. "I DON'T KNOW WHAT WE'RE YELLING ABOUT!" I wondered if the Anchorman quote was entirely appropriate for this time.

"AS IF YOU COULD FIGHT ME OFF!" suddenly he was just in front of me, ripping a six-foot root from deep inside the earth. He chucked it down the hill, and it shattered against a thick trunk.

"I'm not ARGUING with you!" I threw my hands in the air, exasperated.

"I'm designed to kill," he repeated.

"I get it," I replied.

"I've killed people," Edward said, his eyes intense.

"Is this CD skipping?" I asked, annoyed.

"I wanted to kill YOU," Edward said sorrowfully, "I've never wanted a human's blood so much before."

I checked my watch. I didn't wear a watch. But I hope the gesture was a good hint without bordering on cruel—rude, but not cruel. Even though I had every right to be cruel. The man was insane.

"Me and my family," Edward said, jumping into a tree and sitting on a branch like a bird. "We're different than others of our kind—we hunt animals. But your scent—it's like a drug to me. You're like my own personal brand of heroine."

"Alright, nice," I said, backing up a few more feet. "So you like reading my mind and my presence makes you high. Fantastic."

"Actually, I cannot read yours," Edward said sheepishly, "Everyone but yours. It's very frustrating."

"That is way too obviously convenient." I chortled.

"I long to know what you're thinking…" in the blink of an eye, Edward was leaning towards me. I had backed up against a rock—oops. He put both hands on either side of me and closed in, inches from my face.

"Personal bubble," I squeaked. "This is the part where you say a tortured goodbye, right? Dramatic ending to all this? Yes? Did I mention I have claustrophobia? You're making it worse!"

Edward wouldn't break eye contact. "You have no idea how long I've waited for you."

"I'm afraid you're going to have to wait a bit longer," I sounded like a mouse when I spoke. He was so close I could see the weird little glass-looking pores in his sparkly—snicker—skin.

"And so the lion fell in love with the lamb," he said tenderly.

"That poor lamb!" I said, finally having enough of this close proximity.

"What a sick, masochistic lion," Edward smiled.

"Stop baring your teeth, and LET ME PASS," I said sternly. He moved aside, stricken. I moved away from him quickly and went back the direction we had come. "Listen, hotshot," I cried angrily, "I don't even KNOW you. You've rescued me a few times—awesome. How do I know you didn't even set those situations up in order to appear heroic and white-knight-like? You've been a total creep. And then I find out all you want to do is suck my blood. Well I have news for YOU, pal. If you 'love' me so much—which, by the way, I doubt you do because you know nothing about me except that I smell nice—then you'll do what's best for both of us and stay away!"

I could almost see Edward's absent heart turn black, crumble to pieces, and then cease to exist. I felt bad, a little, because he looked so crestfallen.

"I'll take you back," Edward said sadly, holding out his hand. "Do you trust me?"

"I'm afraid I'll walk down," I muttered.

"We're almost ten miles up," Edward said, a grin tugging at his mouth.

"WE'RE WHAT?" I screeched. "Oh my GOSH. FINE. Take me down. THEN the unofficial restraining order is put into place."

With the wind whipping my face, my eyes burned with tears and my skin prickled with goose bumps from the cold. When we got to the edge of the school property, I mumbled a "Thank-you. That was educational. Sorry I don't love you."

...And left Edward Cullen standing dejectedly in the shadow of the trees.

[THE END]

~~~

EPILOGUE

It was a dark and stormy night...

I woke up to a tiny sound at the end of my room. I gasped with fear-the looming figure of a man stood at the foot of my bed. Is that...

"Edward? What are you doing here?" I asked.

"I like watching you sleep," Edward said, smiling as he stepped into the light. "I find it really interesting."

First, I threw my lamp at him. Then my glass of water. He fled through the window... and I retreated beneath my covers in a troubled, night-mare ridden sleep.

"So Dad," I said one morning as we sat together during breakfast. "I'd like to talk about a restraining order."

"Hm?" Charlie looked up, fighting a smile. "What for? You too pretty for these Washington boys?"

"Edward Cullen broke into my bedroom last night and was watching me sleep," I said.

Dad choked, and coffee flew across the table in a patterned splash.

"Thought so," I mumbled.

[THE END AGAIN]

Thanks for putting up with my Edward bashing :) God Bless! ~Pippin