The Big Bang Theory

The Mirror Image Iterations

Chapter 8: Raj's Dream

Raj Koothrapalli rolled over in bed. He flung one hand out to his side, and it hit a pillow. He grabbed the pillow and curled it in to his chest.

Out of the darkness, a voice came. "What are you doing, just lying there?"

Raj sat up and stared out into the darkness. "Who is that?"

He came walking into view, a man in his forties with black hair, slicked back with enough oil that he must have got out of the Gulf oil spill, a handsome face, and a powder blue suit over a pink shirt, straight out of the 70s, with black trimming on the pockets and collar. It was Buddy Love…from The Nutty Professor!

"What…what do you mean?" asked Raj.

Buddy came up to the bed, reached out and grabbed Raj by the throat of his pajama top. He pulled him up in bed, then slapped him twice across the face.

"You're a goddamn astrophysicist, for god's sake."

"Uh…yes I am an astrophysicist," said Raj.

Buddy released him with disgust.

"It's been three years since you met Penny. Three years. And you know the chick digs you. But you can't say word one to her. You're a disgrace."

"I know," said Raj, hanging his head.

"No," said Buddy. "No. It's time you took your destiny in your own hands. Look at me."

Raj peered at him. "You're cool," he said, "but how does that help me?"

"I'm the essence of cool," said Buddy, "distilled out of a few chemicals."

Raj shook his head. "I can't get drunk every time I want to talk to a girl. I never know what I'm saying!"

"You don't have to get drunk," said Buddy. "One beer doesn't make you drunk, for God's sake."

"Actually it does. I have a very low tolerance for alcohol."

"I see," said Buddy. "I see. Well then, the explanation is simple. You need to get the essence of alcohol out of the alcohol, and turn it into something that gives you the essence of cool but doesn't affect your judgment."

"My judgment needs to be affected if I'm going to talk to women," said Raj sadly.

"You're getting on my nerves," snapped Buddy. "That's a defeatist attitude. What we need is a chemist. Someone who can mix you up a potion for you. Turn you into…well…into me."

"Oh, I could never be you, Buddy," said Raj deferentially.

"That's true. But you could be a close approximation. So get up and let's go places."

Raj got out of bed and the next thing he knew he was standing in a nightclub. Jerry Lewis' other identity, Professor Julius Kelp, was there, clad in a white jacket, buck teeth, and a bad haircut that put Wolowitz's to shame. He was seated at a piano and there were all sorts of vials on the top of the piano, each one complete with some kind of colorful liquid, some of them emitting smoke. Kelp was pouring the vials into each other with panache.

"Here, my boy," he said, giving Raj a completed vial, with a swirly mixture of colors inside it, like a lava lamp.

Raj looked at it dubiously, but then he closed his eyes and drank it all down.

The room spun around, Raj opened his eyes and found himself seated at the piano. Penny, wearing a dress of various shades of blue, with her hair permed into a 1960s do, sat beside him, gazing at him with adoring eyes as he began to sing to her, keeping his eyes on her even as he began to pound out the lyrics.

That old black magic has me in its spell

That old black magic that you weave so well

Icy fingers up

and down my spine

The same old witchcraft when your eyes meet mine

The same old tingle that I feel

inside

When that elevator starts its ride

Down and down I go, round and round I go

Like a leaf that's

caught in the tide

I should stay away but what can I do

I hear your name, and I'm aflame

Aflame with

such a burning desire

That only your kiss can put out the fire

You are the lover that I've waited for

The mate that fate had me created for

And every time your lips meet mine

Baby down and down I go,

all around I go

In a spin, loving the spin that I'm in

Under that old black magic called love

As he'd been singing, he'd been watching Penny, watching her eyes gaze into his, watching her lick her lips as he'd sung the lines:

I hear your name, and I'm aflame

Aflame with

such a burning desire

That only your kiss can put out the fire

He stopped singing, resting his hands on the piano. Penny leaned close to him, her lips pursed. He leaned close to her, eyes half closed…

Their lips met, there was a spark like that of electricity, and Raj could feel all the "essence" evaporate from his body like air sucked from a spaceship after a meteorite strike.

She drew back a little and gazed at him…she could tell that his essence was gone.

"Oh, Raj," she said sadly.

He could only look at her….

A single tear fell from his eye.

He looked around desperately for Buddy Love and Professor Kelp, but they were walking off into the darkness, arms across each other's shoulders, like Humphrey Bogart and Claude Rains in Casablanca.

"Here's looking at you, kid," Raj tried to say, but no sound emerged. Slowly he brought his head down and rested it on the piano.