Got bored, started watching 'Monty Python and the Holy Grail', came up with this crack.

I do not own FMA or 'Monty Python and the Holy Grail', however I own my mind and the randomness that ensues within it.

Please enjoy the randomness that is a British comedy movie in FMA form.

Chapter 1

Coconuts

AMESTRIS

917 A.D.

The hills were foggy as the clopping echoed around the valley. Two figures made their way through the fog: one was of short stature, but wearing a golden crown on top his head and wore a white tunic with a flamel crest on it in gold. The guy wore chain mail however, he had a steel arm and leg that was also covered in chain mail for the hell of it. He galloped on his imaginary horse as they trekked through the mountains.

The second figure was a foot taller, however he was carrying a giant load of supplied on his back and clapping together the halves of a coconut, imitating a horse's galloping. He looked like a peasant, and merely followed the crowned person mentioned earlier.

"Whoa there!"

They stopped on a hill as they stared at a large castle not that far away on a huge hill before the crowned one signaled for them to start off again and they set off again indeed.

The 'galloped' up to the castle on the worn path and soon reached one of it's walls.

"HALT!" A voice shouted from one of the walls of the castle and both halted and looked up to see a man standing up there. "Who goes there?"

"It is I, Edward, son of Van Hoeinheim from the castle of Central. King of the Amestrians. Defeater of the Homunculi. Hero of the People of all Amestris." The crowned man called. The man in the castle paused before asking another question,

"Who's the other one?"

"This is Russell, my trusty servant. We have ridden anent through most of the land in search of knights who will join me in my court in Central. I must speak with your lord and master."

"What, ridden on a horse?"

"Yes."

"You're using coconuts."

"What?"

"You've got two empty halves of coconuts and you're banging 'em together!"

"So?" King Edward exclaimed, "We have ridden since the snows of winter covered this land. Through the kingdom of Drachma, through-"

"Where'd you get the coconuts?" The man called again.

"We found them."

"Found them? In Drachma? The coconut is tropical!"

"What do you mean?" King Edward asked as he continued to look up at the man.

"Well this is a temperate zone!"

"The swallow may fly south with the sun or the other birds may find warmer climates in winter, yet these are not strangers to our land?"

"Are you suggesting coconuts migrate?" The man asked.

"Not at all!" King Edward exclaimed, "They could be carried."

"What?" The man yelled, "A swallow carrying a coconut!"

"It could grip it by the husk." King Edward reasoned.

"It's not a question of where he grips it! It's a simple question of ratios. A 5 ounce bird could not carry a 1 pound coconut!" The man argued.

"Well it doesn't matter!" King Edward shouted, "Will you go and tell your master that Edward from the court of Central is here?"

"Listen: in order to maintain airspeed velocity, a swallow needs to beat it's wings 43 times every second, right?" The man asked and King Edward was starting to get annoyed.

"Please!"

"Am I right?"

"I'm not interested!" King Edward shouted. This was becoming old… A second man appeared at the wall,

"It could be carried by a Cretan Swallow." The second man said and Kind Edward rolled his eyes.

"Oh yeah, a Cretan swallow maybe but not an Amestrian swallow, that's my point." The first man said.

"Oh yeah, I agree with that…" The second man said before King Edward cut in,

"Will you ask your master if he wants to join my court at Central?" He asked impatiently. The men were beginning to get on his nerves, however his question was ignored.

"However, Cretan swallows are non migratory." The man thought aloud and the second man gave a noise of understanding.

"Oh yeah, so they couldn't bring a coconut anyway." The second man said and King Edward and his trusty servant Russell turned around and began to 'gallop' away with said coconuts from before as the men continued their discussion.

"Wait a minute, supposing two swallows carried it together?"

"No, they'd have to have it on a line…"

"Well that's simple! They just use a strand of tree bark!"

"What? Held under the dorsal guiding feathers?"

"Why not?"

And act one is done. XD My goal is to try and match up as much as I can to the actual movie as I can. I am now posting this at 4 am and I'm still not sleepy yet. XD Please review! Thanks guys!