Preface

Remembrance

He could remember the feelings that had been rushing through him when he came to, next to the half frozen fountain. He remembers when he rolled over and opened his eyes to see Johnny Cade holding a knife that was dark to the hilt. He remembers the pure fear and panic piercing into little Johnny Cade's eyes. He remembered how he had reached out and pulled the smaller boy to his chest and how Johnny had fisted his shirt and cried. How that boy had wailed like a babe and how he himself held tighter, trying to engulf the kid in calm.

He remembered the freight train and how he layed his head in the other boys lap and slept. He remembered the dew covered grass when they leapt from the engine. He remembered the rolling, green hills of Jay, Oklahoma. He remembered the tractor and the old man's southern drawl, pointing to the mountain. He remembered the dust, the glass and the strange whining noises of the old abandoned church. He remembered the cold stone floor that only seemed to warm when his arms were wrapped around the shaking body lying next to him.

He remembered Johnny's peddle soft, bottom lip quivering. The sobs and sniffles that escaped the older yet smaller boy would fill each and every night. He remembered the bony body against him, in his arms, as it racked with tremors and uncontrollable whimpers escaping Johnny's raw throat. "Shh, Johnny…" he would say as he held him, trying to calm the other boy down, "you're going to be okay. I won't let anything thing happen to you."

He remembered waking up to a low whistle that ended with a high note. How Johnny walked in with a small smile and a brown box. Inside the box there had been boloney, bread and candy bars, there was something else too but Johnny kept in his hands and turned to the other boy. "I remember how you like to write so much," Johnny whispered timidly as he held out a notebook and a pack of pens in front of him, "I thought maybe you would like it since we pretty much got nothing to do out here." He hugged Johnny to his chest and whispered his thanks over and over again. He wrote everything that had led up to them in the church and he wrote in it every night he was there.

He remembered the sunset. The silver mist and pink and gold hues of the sky. He remembered reciting poetry to Johnny and how Johnny had blushed and how his black eyes had twinkled. He remembered the butterflies that had arose in his stomach and how his chest had tightened. He remembered walking to Johnny and taking his small tanned hand and intertwining their fingers. How he leaned in and touched his lips to the Johnnycakes rosy top lip. He remembered Johnny's wide eyes and how he thought Johnny didn't feel the same; he started to walk away when Johnny's small fingers wove themselves through his hair and brought him back down for another kiss.

He remembered how the kisses became more heated and needier. How they had led up to them being bare and pressed against each other. He remembered how smooth Johnny's skin was around the scattered bruises and scars that littered his small body. He remembered how tight and warm Johnny was around him. He remembered Johnny whimpering and writhing and begging for more under him. He remembers how they had reached climax in unison. How Johnny had smiled genuinely for the first time in years during the afterglow; how Johnny kissed him hard and long, filled with love and passion. He remembers when he told Johnny he loved him and Johnny said I love you back.

He remembered Gone with the Wind every night. How Johnny would marvel over each chapter with wide eyes like a small child. How the small boy would excitedly asked him to read more topping it off with a kiss on the cheek. How Johnnycake would cuddle up against him and close his eyes and listen to his voice read about the southern gentlemen who rode into sure death because they were gallant. "Those ol' guys remind me of you…" Johnny whispered one day with his eyes still closed, he had asked Johnny why he would think a thing like that, "because you're brave," Johnny had answered smiling up at him. "You've pretty much saved me from myself."

He remembered being kicked awake by Dally one morning just so he and Johnny would be pulled into a T-Bird and jerked around in their seats by Dally's crazy driving. He remembers Dairy Queen, banana splits and barbecue sandwiches. He remembered the smell of smoke as they rounded the corner back to the church. He remembered the black cloud that hovered over the orange flames that licked the inside of the old decrypted building.

He remembered telling Johnny to stay put before he ran into the building to help the kids. He remembered grabbing a kid and turning around just to see Johnny there grabbing a couple of kids and gently tossing them out the window. He remembered yelling for Johnny to get out as the roof started to cave in only to have Johnny pushed him out. He had tried to run back in but he was pulled back by Dally who belted him hard on the back. He remembered hearing Johnny's blood curdling screams before everything went black.

He remembered waking up in an ambulance, greeted with high pitched squeals of the siren. Before he even got his eyes open he found himself sobbing and crying for Johnny. He was shushed by the large man sitting next to him. He remembers the feeling of dread spreading through him soon after when the man said Johnny wasn't too good and they had him on plasma. He remembers watching Johnny, unconscious and burnt, being rolled past him on the gurney in the hospital waiting room.

He remembered seeing Johnny in the hospital the next day. How the first thing Johnny said when he walked through the door was I love you. He remembers how little Johnnycake had sobbed and sputtered, saying he didn't want to die. Saying that there were so many things he hadn't done yet or seen he hadn't enough yet. He remembered crying with his lover because he knew, he understood. He didn't want Johnny to die either. For a while he convinced himself Johnny wouldn't.

He remembered the rumble. The blood and the pain that Johnny never liked. He remembered being kicked in the ribs repeatedly. He remembered the Mustangs and Corvairs speeding out and as soon as they were gone he was running to his Johnnycake. He remembered the rain then the cold sterile air of the hospital rushing past him in a blur until he was next to Johnny who was lying on the hospital bed barely conscious.

He remembered how Johnny hadn't given him a chance to say anything how he had whispered his farewell. "I love you Ponyboy… Stay gold." And just like that, Johnny let out his air in a strangled gasp and closed his eyes for the last time. He remembered begging at the top of his lungs until he was escorted out where he was met with Darry and Sodapop who took him home. He remembered refusing to eat, even when he was conscious.

He remembered the letter. He remembered the poem. The knife. The train. The mountains. The church. The stone floor. The brown box. The journal. The moans. The smoke. The flames. The children. The screams. The darkness. The sirens. The tears. The blood. The farewell.

He didn't remember, though, to think that maybe Johnny was somewhere looking out for him. That maybe Johnny was the reason he hadn't killed himself. He didn't think that, from wherever he was, Johnny sent him a gift.

He forgets a lot of things. Things he can't handle, things that aren't important and things that he doesn't even bother to think about. But Johnny Cade was something his mind was on all the time. He couldn't forget. He didn't want to forget.

Ponyboy would always remember.