A/N: Okay so I got so many reviews asking me to continue from James Potter Problem that I suppose I had a wee bit of a problem! So here it is and this is the last one, because and I'm aghast to say this, even Sirius Black has to grow up. (But not too fast, he's just so darn funny!) A new chapter of Children of Potter should be out soon. Little preview the chapter is called Let's Talk About Sex Baby. I'll let you deduce the rest. Thanks a bunch and review if you've got a pair!
Disclaimer: I don't own Sirius or Remus or James but damn I wish I did.
Time In Lily Land
James Potter was hiding from his girlfriend. He couldn't (wouldn't) exactly explain why he was hiding from the fiery redhead that he openly admitted made his life complete, but if his best mate had to hazard a guess it was probably due to the giant gash on the side of his face. That damned Snivellus had very likely ambushed him again. And for reasons Sirius was unable to discern James just refused to make the first move these day. If Sirius had to hazard a guess about that, Little Lady Lily had a lot to do with it.
Sirius sighed and lounged back on the couch the Room of Requirements had provided for him. It was well after curfew and Filch had nicked the Map a few weeks ago, so they were flying blind and would probably end up spending the night in the Come and Go Room. That suited Sirius just fine. He'd barely gotten to spend any time with his best mate over the past few months. What with Head duties, Quidditch practice and what Sirius had dubbed Time in Lily Land, James was pretty much booked solid.
He would have tried to persuade James into retaliating for Snivelly's mistreatment, but knew it was a lost cause. James had done the… responsible thing! He'd given Snivellus a detention, docked points and sent the conniving waste of space on his way. In Sirius' good opinion that silly little grease ball needed a bit more of a reminder of who exactly he was dealing with, but James would never agree to it and would probably just get pissed, so that was out.
Perhaps he could convince his Prongsie pal to divulge what exactly had been going on intimately since his little attempt at being a Sex Ed Professor for James and his lady love. It had ended well by all accounts. James' hand was usually plastered to Lily's bum and if the dopey look on his mate's face after an intense snog was anything to go by, things were progressing nicely between the pair. But James was unlikely to be interested in talking about that. He had promised Little Lady Lily that he wouldn't talk to Sirius about their intimate relationship anymore. Which was ridiculous in Sirius' good opinion considering the fact that his interaction did nothing but help their relationship along.
But whatever. James would end up talking to him eventually. He just had to be patient and wait for Prongs to stop pacing and muttering about how much his face stung. The room had provided James with a wash cloth and few ointments to relieve the pain and stop the blood flow. But apparently James was just too engrossed in his thoughts to put anything on the wound he wouldn't stop muttering about.
Sirius watched this for a few minutes, before he sighed and got up. He ambled over to the table holding the supplies and perused his options. With the mood that his best mate was in James would not want to be fussed over. Sirius nodded his head, dumped the pain relieving ointment into the healing ointment and mixed them together with a wooden stick that appeared next to the cloth. He scooped some of the goop onto the cloth and stealthily approached his friend.
James made it to the side of the room closest to Sirius, too lost in his thoughts to notice anything amiss and got a face full of greasy ointment for his troubles. Half of his face was covered in the healing creams, but unfortunately it was not the half that was injured. James, who was forever patient with his best mate (for whatever reason) snatched the cloth out of Sirius' hand, cleaned the ointment off the uninjured side of his face and applied it to the injured side.
"Thanks, Padfoot," he grumbled.
"No problem, Prongs my lad!" Sirius said, throwing his arm over James' shoulder. "So, what would you like to do?"
James shook off Sirius' arm. "I'd like to get out of this room. And now that I'm no longer bleeding…" James examined his cheek in a mirror that appeared out of nowhere. It wasn't nearly as bad as it had been before, but there was still an angry red gash across his right side of his face.
"What's the rush?" Sirius asked crossing his arms and silently asking for something lean nonchalantly against. As soon as he began tilting backwards there was a sturdy column to hold him up.
"I would like to get back to my girlfriend," James said. "She said she'd wait up for me so that I can give her her goodnight kiss." James smiled like an idiot.
Sirius scowled at his totally wiped best mate. "Oh, yes," he said, sarcastically. "We wouldn't want to infringe on your time in Lily Land!"
"No, we wouldn't, so…" James made his way towards the door.
"Well what about your time in Padfoot's Palace!"
James stopped and glanced over his shoulder at his best mate. He didn't bother asking what in the hell Sirius was talking about. "What about it?" he asked.
"You barely spend any time in it! And now when we're here all you want to do is leave!"
"Padfoot," James began gently. "I'm going to say this once and hope that I never have to say it again… you sound absolutely mental." That said James nodded and left the room.
Sirius gaped at the door Prongs had just sauntered out of. He couldn't believe it! They were supposed to be best mates, but James had just blown him off for some chick! What happened to their motto? Mates before dates? It seemed that James had forgotten… Well he'd just have to reminded then. In the most respectful way possible.
Sirius wasn't quite sure how, but he managed to get the Common Room before James. Figuring that his best mate must have gotten caught by a professor Sirius decided that the backstabbing double crossing tosser totally deserved it. Waiting in the Common Room, as expected was one Lily whatever her middle names was Evans. And Remus and Peter, but at the moment Sirius didn't have any beef with them (he'd had beef for dinner and they had been there but that was hours ago).
The Common Room was empty except for the three (now four) of them. Remus, as per usual, had his noise glued to a book and Peter was trying in vain to study for his NEWTS, like that would do him any good. Lily whatever her middle name was Evans was pacing, clearly waiting for her boyfriend, her backstabbing double crossing tosser of a boyfriend.
Sirius sauntered over to her, as sexily as possible, wrapped his arm around her shoulders. Lily looked up at him entirely confused. Not the look he was used to getting when he wrapped his arm around a bird, but he could work with it. He was Sirius Sex On Legs Black, he could talk the panties off of McGonagall if he put his mind to it.
"All right, Evans?" He had heard James say it just about every time the pair went off for a snog. Lily usually looked up at James all doe eyed and bit her lip. She looked up at Sirius confused and a little disgusted.
"What do you want, Black?" she asked, trying to pull away from him.
"I want to snog you," he said, matter-of-factly. Lily gaped at him.
"What in the hell are you on about, Padfoot?" Remus asked, finally looking up from his book.
"Mates before dates, Moony!" Sirius said instead of an explanation.
Remus sighed.
"He's not on about that again, is he?" Peter asked, not bothering to look up from his notes.
"Apparently so…" Remus said, clearly bored. "Feel free to beat the living daylights out of him, Lily." Moony turned a page.
"Prongs will if you don't, so there's no pressure." Wormtail flipped open a book.
"All of my best mates hate me!" Sirius exclaimed.
"Now that's not true, Padfoot," Remus assured. "We just know you too well to take anything you say or do seriously."
"Especially the things you say," Peter said, scribbling a note in the margin of his textbook. "You have a tendency to just say things and not ever think about them. Before or after you say them. It's funny most of the time."
"Well I'm glad my misery amuses you," Sirius snapped.
"So are we," Remus said, not missing a beat.
"Bah!" Sirius threw his arms up, mistakenly releasing Lily. For a short girl she had wicked fast reflex and made to escape her boyfriend's deranged best friend. "Snog me, Lily!" he yelled. "Mates before dates!"
Sirius managed to catch her around the waist and tried in vain to pull her close enough to kiss. Lily wedged her hands between them, her right hand holding his shoulder back and her left hand pushing at his face.
"How is snogging me going to prove your mates before dates point?" she asked, struggling to keep Sirius at bay.
"Well, if you cheat on him with me, he'll have to choose between us, won't he?" Sirius reasoned.
"And what exactly makes you think he'll choose you considering the fact that you're molesting his girlfriend?" Remus asked.
"Mates before dates, Moony. He just needs to be reminded."
He closed his book and lazily got to his feet. If being friends with Sirius for six going on seven years had taught him anything it was that the boy could inhale pastries at an alarming rate and that when he got an idea stuck in his head it was damn near impossible to get it unstuck. If Remus had to hazard a guess the latter was probably the only reason he and the other Marauders ended up achieving half the things they did. Most of the pranks they'd performed over the years stemmed from some idea of Sirius'.
Remus wedged himself between Sirius and Lily. Eventually (and I do mean eventually) Sirius realized that if he didn't stop pulling he'd end up kissing Moony. Not that Moony wasn't an attractive bloke, he was severely lacking in the girl parts department and Sirius liked that department fully stocked at all times so he would have to pass on the snogging. Sirius released Lily with no further ado causing Remus and Lily to go tumbling backwards landing at the feet of one very confused James Potter.
Sirius assessed the situation. It hadn't progressed as planned but if anyone could salvage this shipwreck it was lady killer Marauder extraordinaire Sirius Black! James was wearing his 'I just got a detention' face (not to be confused with his 'I just did something stupid and my precious time in Lily Land won't be fun' face) and was looking down at the flailing limbs of his girlfriend and his best friend as they attempted to untangle themselves from each others' robes. Sirius easily deduced how this situation could work to his advantage.
"I came in and Lily was snogging Moony!" he yelled. The room froze as it often did when Sirius did something inexplicably stupid.
James came to before the pair still tangled together on the floor. "Were they now?" he asked crossing his arms.
"Yes," Sirius said as sincerely as was possible for an incorrigible liar. "I would never lie to you," he lied.
"Well Moony. It looks like you and I will have to duel," James sighed.
"What?" Sirius demanded. "You're supposed to break up with that Scarlet Woman!" Sirius pointed at the very peeved witch on the floor, who had given up on trying to separate herself from Remus and merely glared at her boyfriend's best mate.
"Well, I just can't do that, Padfoot," James said, apologetically.
"Why? And I demand the truth!"
"Why?" Peter asked from the before the fire where he'd remained throughout Sirius' 'episode.' "You never tell the truth."
"Can it, Wormtail!" Sirius screeched.
"I can't blame Lily for having a snog with Moony," James said.
"But why?" Sirius whined.
"Moony's the Marauder. And Marauders are irresistible, as you well know. I'm sure he used his Marauding whiles on my sweet innocent Lily. She didn't stand a chance."
Remus sighed dramatically, Sirius nodded knowingly and Peter grumbled.
Lily huffed, pulled out her wand and gave it a flick. Remus scooted a respectable distance from her their robes finally coming untangled. James helped her to her feet and never one to miss an opportunity to grope his girlfriend "helped" her dust off. Lily (smarter than her boyfriend gave her credit for) smacked his hands away, crossed her arms and favored him with a withering glare.
"If I wasn't already dating you, Potter," she growled. "I would never date you."
"Why, baby?"
"Don't call me that."
"Why, sweet cakes?"
"Or that."
"Pudding?"
"No."
"Snuggle bunny?"
"Now you're just being an idiot."
"Love?" Lily nodded. "Why, love?"
"The reason is no doubt grinning like a loon behind me," she said.
James grimaced at his best mate who shrugged (while grinning like a loon) suggesting that this whole debacle was in fact James' fault.
"What do you want me to do?" James asked. Lily opened her mouth to reply but Sirius beat her to the punch.
"You better not ask him to choose between the two of us," he said, slightly panicked. Things really had gone awry and Sirius had the distinct feeling that they would continue to do so. He didn't want her making Prongs choose. It just wouldn't go his way. "I have a feeling I already know who he'll choose and Moony doesn't make for very entertaining company!"
"No need to get hysterical, Padfoot," Remus said, standing up. "Oh and by the way, thanks."
"You're welcome."
"Put a leash on him!" Lily exclaimed. The Marauders (as per usual) gave Lily four very distinct confused looks. "Put a leash on your best mate so that he leaves me the fuck alone. I don't care what you have to do but I never want to be subjected to one more kiss on the nose, sex ed class or attempted snog. Do you understand me?"
"Yes," James said, wide eyed.
"Good," Lily rounded on Sirius. "And you!" Sirius eyed the finger she was pointing at his nose, warily. "If you ever drag me into one of your hair brain schemes again it'll be detention for the rest of the year!"
"We're graduating in two months!" Sirius yelled indignantly.
"I'm well aware of that, Black."
"So you expect me to behave for-" gulp "-two whole months?"
"Where I'm concerned, yes!"
"B-b-but you're surgically attached to Prongs! To have any fun with my best mate I have to bug you!"
Lily remained firm. "Detention until the end of the year."
Sirius threw his hands up, grumbled loudly then fell very purposefully onto the couch for a nice long pout.
Lily nodded and then turned getting her first un-pissed off look at her boyfriend of the evening. Her mouth fell open at the wound on his face. She cupped his uninjured cheek. "What happened?" she asked, clearly very upset.
"It was nothing," James assured. Sirius snorted. Lily peered at him, glanced at her boyfriend who was now wearing his 'I'm ever so innocent you might mistake me for saint' face. She walked over to Sirius and pocked him hard in the bum, he yelped and looked up.
"What do you want now?" he demanded wearing his 'petulant child deprived of his favorite toy' face.
"What happed to my boyfriend?" Sirius glanced over Lily's shoulder to James who was silently begging him to keep his big fat trap shut. Never one to take orders from backstabbing double crossing poor excuse for a Marauder, Sirius' face morphed into his 'how can I make my best mate, my brother in all but blood, absolutely miserable' face.
"Snivellus attacked him," Sirius said. Lily whipped around to James.
"And you weren't going to tell me!" she yelled.
"No, I wasn't," James snarled at Sirius, who blew him a kiss. "And you know very well why."
Lily sputtered for a moment before collecting herself. "Well he needs to be punished!" she insisted.
"And he has been," James said, calmly.
"With a nasty hex, I suppose!"
"Actually with a few detentions and a significant lose in house points. Even if Slytherin manages to win the Quidditch Cup they'll have a hard time winning the House Cup."
"Well, that's just ridiculous, James," Sirius said. "Slytherin winning the Quidditch Cup. That's a laugh!"
"Can you take nothing seriously?" Lily screeched.
"I take everything Sirius-ly! For the love of Merlin's pretty cousin Kimberly, I'm the most Sirius man I've ever met!"
Lily grabbed Sirius by the front of his robes. This had happened before. None of those times had it ended well. James usually hit him or pushed him or punched him for some reason when Lily grabbed the front of his robes. How to avoid this? How? How? HOW?
"A boy I used to consider my best friend viciously attacked my boyfriend and you're talking about Quidditch and making stupid puns about your name! How deliriously idiotic are you?"
For once in his life Sirius Black didn't say anything. He made a choking noise in the back of his throat and waved his arms around in a way he hoped conveyed his wish that she'd let him go without hurting him. Apparently he didn't do a very good job because Lily pushed him back onto the couch, where he tumbled to the floor, his cheek pressed to Remus' shoe.
"I hate my life, Moony," he mumbled into the scuffed leather.
"I can't imagine why," Remus answered, bored.
"We have to do something about this, James!" Lily exclaimed. "It can't go on like this! Him attacking you every time you two are alone together!"
James griped her shoulders and looked very serious. "It's two months, Lily. I can survive him for two months. And then-"
"And then what, James?" she asked, tears in her eyes. "We graduate and enter Auror training. He becomes a Death Eater and spends the rest of his life trying to kill you! It's not two months, James! It's the rest of our lives."
James pulled her into his arms and started whispering softly in her ear. Sirius watched this curiously. James had always said that he would marry Lily Evans. Sirius had always assumed that that was just the inane rambling of a bloke desperate to shag his dream girl. But now looking at the pair, trying to comfort each other in a dark world that they apparently had every intention of taking on together, Sirius realized something.
James would be living in Lily Land for the rest of his life.
Which meant that if Sirius wanted to spend time with his best mate he'd have to spend time in Lily Land as well…
Mind made up, Sirius got up. Remus grabbed his arm. "Merlin, Sirius," he said. "Think before you do anything stupid!"
"I am thinking, Moony," he promise. "For the first time in my life I actually think I am thinking." James and Lily pulled away from one another for a moment, both eying Sirius curiously. "If I want to spend time Prongs' Playground I have to go visit him in Lily Land. And the only way that I can get into Lily Land is if she doesn't despise me!" Sirius reasoned triumphantly.
"Finally thinking clearly, Padfoot?" Peter asked idly.
"You better believe it, Wormy!" Sirius marched up to the now wary couple. "Get out of the way, James I have to comfort the Lovely Lady Lily."
Sirius attempted the same move Remus used not twenty minutes before and tried to wedge himself between Lily and James. He didn't count on James hitting him though. "Cut it out, Padfoot!"
"This is the rest of my life," Lily moaned stumbling away from the two wrestling wizards. "The rest of my life!"
"Don't be"-pock James in the stomach- "so sad, Lady Lily," Sirius huffed. "You've got two" –get hit by James in the thigh- "handsome- OW!" –smack James for the elbow in the eye- "Marauders at your" –kick James in the shin- "beck and call!"
"Lucky girl," Peter muttered.
"Imagine how he'll react when they start having children," Remus commented. Peter snorted.
"That'll be no problem!" Sirius insisted, as James trapped him in a headlock. "They just need to make those sick little witches and wizards when I'm not spending time with them in Lily Land."
"You're not spending ANY time in Lily Land!" James yelled, trying to wrestling Sirius to the floor.
"That's what you think, Prongs!"
Sirius managed to kick out James' ankles throwing the both of them to the floor, Sirius on top. Sirius climbed on top of his best mate, grabbed his flailing arms and pinned him down. "You've run out of option, my good man!" he exclaimed. "It's me with you and Lily in Lily Land or… nothing! No other options!"
"Bloody hell, Padfoot!" James struggled fruitlessly. "Have you completely lost your mind? Lily is my girlfriend, someday she will be my wife! I don't have to share her with you!"
Sirius rolled his eyes and people thought he was dense. He got off of James and waited patiently for his mate to get to his feet. "I don't want to share her, Prongsie my lad," he said.
"What?"
"He wants to share you, James," Lily said, entirely exasperated. "The reason he wanted to hug me, or at least I hope he was trying to hug me, is because he seems to believe that in order to get to spend time with you he needs to get on my good side."
"Your lady is a genius, Prongs!" Sirius proclaimed with a grin that was only slightly manic.
James gaped at Sirius, shaking his head back and forth slowly. Like he couldn't quite believe that he'd ever befriended the psycho in front of him. Lily leaned against the couch's armrest looking worn out.
Remus snapped his book closed. "I believe I've found a solution to your current predicament," he said.
"Oh, goody!" Sirius said. "I knew there was a reason we kept you around, Moony."
"Again, Sirius, thank you."
"You're welcome."
"Shut up," Remus suggested. "The problem that Sirius is suffering from, other than being nuts of course, is that James isn't spending enough time with him. After years of being James' closest companion, I believe that Sirius is having a hard time dealing with the fact that Lily has, to an extent, taken his place. If James were to spend more time with Sirius, then perhaps Sirius would regain a bit of his sanity."
"So I just have to spend time with him?" James asked. "And he'll stop groping my girlfriend?"
Remus mulled this over. "Perhaps," he said vaguely.
"Unlikely," Peter 'coughed.'
"Got a bit of cold there, Wormtail," Sirius asked, pounding the small boy on the back.
"Padfoot-" James began.
"It's not going to be like it was before!" Sirius said. "I know that now. She's always going to be there. Someday you're going to marry her and have sticky little Marauders with her-"
"Merlin I hope not," Lily muttered.
"-And I'm not going to be able to be around all the time. I get that now… But… I'm still your best mate, right?" he asked, oddly contrite.
"Of course you are," James said.
"Then would it kill you to aim some of that attention my way, you know when I'm not groping your girlfriend?"
"I'm going to bed," Lily announced disappearing up to the stairs to the girls' dorms.
"You sound like a girl, Padfoot," Peter informed him.
"Yeah, well you sound like a weasel-y little git!" Sirius snapped.
Peter shrugged. "I can live with that."
"You'll always be my best mate, Sirius," James said, drawing Sirius' attention back to the issue at hand. "I don't know how we'll work it out so that you and I can spend time together but we will. I promise."
Sirius grinned and the four Marauders rallied around the fire for a night of friendly (yet honest) insults and playful (yet violent) banter.
And that my kiddies is how Sirius Black was suddenly allow to be around Lily and James whenever they tried to have alone time in Lily Land. As irony works this also managed to prolong the couples lives for a few years because Sirius rarely left the newlyweds alone long enough consummate their marriage let alone procreate. And for that we thank him.
The End.