Chapter 8 — Money's on the Autumnal Equinox

Liz felt like a fox released at a hunt. Or a sitting duck, and the rest of her analogies also included an animal facing certain death. She liked her staff. Most days. Their lives were intertwined like a bizarre family, and they were nosy and inappropriate because they cared. And perhaps because they had borderline personality disorders.

But she still didn't relish the prospect of her personal life at center stage. Granted, this was far less embarrassing than introducing Dennis to them. Or flipping out when she found out Floyd was engaged. But this would be of more than passing interest to the staff. This was her and Jack.

Perhaps the saving grace about the timing of their relationship was the season premiere of TGS that Friday. It would be a busy week. She heard the writers gathering at the table outside her office. How much energy could they possibly have to torment anyone?

"Dude, I still can't believe you got back together with your college a cappella group over the summer," Frank said to Toofer. "And that you posted videos of yourself to YouTube. I'll admit, your version of 'Hotel California' wasn't bad. But I'm still cringing over 'Hey Juuu—de.'"

"The group reunion was very fulfilling," Toofer said stiffly. "You can make fun all you want since you have not managed in the last week to think of anything you did all summer except watch porn."

"And I'm very proud of that."

Liz tuned out as her phone rang and she heard Jack's voice on the line.

"How are the natives?" he asked.

"Restless," she said. "But I don't think they've heard anything yet."

"And when they do, it's not the end of the world," he said. "Let me know if I need to stop by."

She walked out to the writers' table with a stack of newspapers and pile of sketch ideas they'd begun brainstorming the week before.

"Hey, Liz. How was your weekend?" Pete asked as he sat down.

"Crazy," she said. "An apartment in my building caught on fire Saturday night, and we're all still out while the fire department is checking the building."

"Whoa! Are you OK? Did your apartment burn?" Pete asked.

"I wasn't there when it happened, so I'm fine, but I haven't been inside yet. I've got to call the fire guys later. They said they might clear the building today or tomorrow."

"So did you move into your office over the weekend?" Toofer asked.

Tread lightly, tread lightly, Liz urged herself.

"No, I was at the mayor's big shindig with Jack when the fire started. He offered to let me stay at his place for a couple of days. So that's where I've been."

"Weird," Frank said from beneath his "Vampire Bait" hat. "But cool. We're glad you're OK, Liz."

"Yeah, let us know if you need anything," Pete said.

"Well, what I really need," she said, starting to pass around a list of evergreen sketch ideas from the week before, "is some more topical ideas."

The groans drowned her out.

Jack saw Pete stirring his coffee at the snack counter.

"How's the show looking so far, Pete?" Jack asked as he walked by.

"Shaping up pretty good. The writers have some solid ideas," Pete said. "Hey, Jack, what you're doing for Liz is great."

Jack stopped and pursed his lips. How much did Pete know?

"You think so?"

"Yeah. I'm glad she has a friend like you with some extra space after that crappy fire."

"It's working out fine," Jack said. "I'm happy to be able to help."

He continued his way toward the writers' room and found Liz at her desk eating a sandwich.

"So they know that you're staying with me after the fire but no more?" he asked.

She nodded as she wiped mustard from the corner of her mouth.

"Jenna's coming in this afternoon, so that may change soon," she said. "We're doing a read-through in a couple of hours, so everyone will be here then."

"Do you want to play Jenna off as crazy and keep quiet awhile longer?"

She eyed him fondly.

"No," she said. "I mean, I'm not going to bring it up, but it's fine with me if this comes out sooner rather than later."

"Want to close the door and come out disheveled in about 20 minutes to pique their speculation?" he asked playfully and a little hopefully.

"No," she said with mock severity. "Not with the children in the next room!"

He laughed.

"Oh, I talked to a woman at the fire station," Liz continued. "She said I can walk through my apartment tomorrow to see what needs to be cleaned up and repaired."

"Would you like me to come with you?" he asked.

She looked surprised and pleased at the offer.

"I'll call Jonathan with a time," she said.

He stood with a smile.

"Tracy will be at the read-through later?" he asked.

She nodded.

"Then I'll see you again when I come to find him," Jack said. "We've got to discuss appropriate flirting after an incident with a magazine interview this weekend."

"Don't try to keep me down, Jackie D!" Tracy said belligerently. "Dot Com was there. She's the one who wanted to do the interview at the strip club!"

Dot Com shrugged at Jack.

"Yes, Tracy, I understand your desire to be authentic," Jack said. "But when a journalist calls our legal department after an interview, I'm afraid that you might not have conveyed the message you wanted to."

"Oh, I conveyed the message I wanted to," Tracy said with a toothy grin.

"Tracy, as long as…" Jack began.

"This is very upsetting to me! Grizz! I need you to sit on me now!"

Liz stepped between Tracy and the door.

"No, no! Don't go back to your dressing room!" she pleaded. "Grizz can sit on you here. It will probably calm you down to hear how funny you'll be in the show this week!"

Tracy's frown deepened as he flopped onto the floor.

Liz spun to Pete and told him to have someone find Jenna as fast as possible so they could meet before Tracy melted down.

"You better think of something to make him happy again because I can't put out a premiere if he's in a sit-on-me mood all week!" Liz hissed to Jack.

"Happiness is in your job description, not mine," he said. "Lemon, be —"

"—a manager!" she finished the sentence with him in exasperation.

He raised an eyebrow in delight and said, "Exactly!" as she was unable to stifle a laugh.

Jenna swept into the writers' room.

"I'm here! Guess what?" she said, pausing slightly at the sight of Tracy stretched out on the floor, the writers at the table, and Jack and Liz in mid-laugh.

Jenna made a split-second decision to play the excited friend rather than the bearer of juicy gossip since it looked like they'd already stolen her thunder.

"Isn't it great about Jack and Liz?" she asked.

Liz started to step forward, but Jack discreetly caught her sleeve, waiting to see how the question was received.

"What, that Jack's letting Liz stay at his place since her building burned?" Frank said. "It's pretty awesome."

"No, silly, that… wait, what?" Jenna turned toward Liz.

"Remember, I told you about the fire yesterday, and that's why I was out buying clothes?" Liz said.

"Yeah, you look nice today, Liz," Lutz said around a pretzel. Liz nodded an acknowledgment as she stayed focused on Jenna.

"So there's nothing between you and Jack?" Jenna asked.

Liz opened her mouth. Closed it again. Jack's face bore a similar trapped expression.

"I knew it!" Jenna crowed.

Simultaneously, Frank groaned. "Seriously?"

Toofer looked a little disgusted.

Jack cleared his throat.

"Yes, Liz and I have been seeing each other lately," he said. "We're both happy and hope you will be supportive."

"And appropriate," Liz interjected.

"Didn't you see your characters in Liz's porn?" Frank howled. "Do you know how wrong this is?"

"Shut it down, Frank," Pete said. "Nobody wants that in their heads."

Liz had begun to smile gratefully at Pete, but the expression curdled as he concluded.

From the floor, Tracy, shouted, "Grizz! Get the hell off me! Can't you tell I'm calm now?"

Grizz pulled Tracy to his feet as the actor continue to holler, "Pay up, fools! I had Jackie D. and Liz Lemon hooking up between the end of hiatus and the autumnal equinox. I don't even know what that is!"

Everyone at the writers' table reached for their wallets.

Liz's mouth opened in horror.

"You were betting on when Jack and I would get together?"

"Well, yeah," Lutz said, looking slightly abashed. "The pool has been going on for three years. It's gotten pretty big."

"And I won!" Tracy said.

"I can fire all of you," she said. "Jack can fire all of you. How do you feel about getting double-fired?"

"Betting on office relationships is inappropriate," Jack said primly. "So I withdraw my standing wager on which team Sue plays for."

The usually silent writer looked around the room with betrayed disgust, and everyone else nodded and leaned back as though taking Jack's reprimand to heart.

However, as Jack turned to speak to Liz, Tracy began making exaggerated silent gestures demanding his money, and everyone pulled out the cash again.

"What part of their reaction surprises you, Lemon?" Jack asked softly.

"I'm not surprised… but betting? A three-year office pool on us? Come on, Jack."

"So they figured it out before we did. Let them enjoy the moment."

"Is that what the Six Sigmas would say?"

"Perhaps not directly," he said. "But under the principle of male enhancement…."

"Ugh. Forget I asked," Liz said. "Fine. Let them have their juvenile obnoxiousness. But I could fire them. If I wanted."

They turned back to hear the table at large mocking Lutz about his make-believe girlfriend, Karen.

"Everyone's fair game," Jack said in Liz's ear. "Our turn comes and goes."

"Jack, Liz," Jenna said. "I've never been so happy to say 'I told you so.' I hope you'll have as strong a bond as the one between me and Paul. I was just telling shim yesterday…."

"Thanks, Jenna," Liz interrupted her.

"And Liz, I want to take you shopping for some real lingerie," Jenna said earnestly. "I've seen your laundry, and I'm sure Jack agrees that you need some help. My astrologer introduced me to this great shop uptown run by a very creative one-armed Filipino woman."

"Actually, Jenna," Jack broke in, "I prefer that Liz shop on her own. I think she has a unique sense of what I appreciate."

"Oh, I get it," Jenna said. "You two must be into some really weird stuff that you don't want anyone to know about."

"Something like that," Liz said distractedly, still looking at Jack, who winked and mouthed, "Just be you!"

Liz blushed as she squeezed Jack's hand.

"Get a room," Frank said.

"OK, nerds, the Jack and Liz show is over," Liz said. "We've got a real show on Friday, so let's get back to work."

The writers turned reluctantly back to the table.

"See you later," Jack said quietly.

"Will you cook dinner tonight? I could use an omelet," she said.

Jack grinned at her and raised his voice to the room at large.

"Try to produce something this week that will earn marginally better ratings in the timeslot than ABC, which actually is being programmed by trained chimps now," he called to the writers as he walked toward the door. "And be nice to my girlfriend."

END