Title: Forgive – Failed Attempts

Author: pl2363

Series: Transformers AU/G1

Rating: T

Notes: Starscream x Skyfire. 'Regardless' heavily referenced, please read that fic before reading this one. Starscream's past is filled with painful memories of a life he never got to have. Will he forgive and move forward?

Electrical grid off cycle concept borrowed from Asher 119's Unintended.

Thanks to Mirage Shinkiro for the beta.

Title taken from the song 'Seven Months' by Portishead,

"Why should I forgive you,
After all that I've seen?
Quietly whisper,
When my heart wants to scream?"

Also... Transformers belong to Hasbro, I am just playing with them.

Cybertron, The Golden Age—

White noise from the various pieces of equipment filled the lab room. Starscream sat at his computer console waiting for the data collected from his testing to sort so he could analyze it. His gaze would periodically meander toward the other mech in the room, Skyfire, who was also working in the lab long after classes had let out.

Unlike Starscream, Skyfire was no longer a student. He was older and employed at the lab as the head professor's assistant. He ran experiments for the professor as well as helped any students in the lab with their projects. He was an unlikely scientist, being a huge shuttle. Starscream usually saw that type of flier working as guards or law enforcement. From the first conversation they had, Starscream learned just how intelligent Skyfire was, which explained his somewhat unusual choice in career.

"Doing anything later?" Starscream asked.

Skyfire glanced up from his workbench and smiled. "Nah. Probably just head home."

Starscream wasn't one to flirt. He really didn't have time for romantic pursuits outside his busy academic schedule. Besides, he always thought of flirting as a desperate way to act in order to garner attention. Yet, he kept finding himself doing just that with Skyfire. Something about the gentle and intelligent shuttle appealed to him, although he couldn't seem to pinpoint why.

"You know, there's a traveling exhibit of organics at the main hall of the museum. I heard some of the specimens glow in the dark, so they are leaving it open to the public, even after normal viewing times. Maybe we could go check it out. That is, if you can take a break from that hectic schedule of yours." Starscream cast a casual glance in Skyfire's direction.

"Oh, that sounds fun. I think I could deviate from my plans." Skyfire's smile widened. He always smiled. Warm, gentle smiles that Starscream found endearing.

"Excellent." Starscream saved his work on the computer and started to clean up his area.

Less than a cycle later, they walked though the dimly lit streets of Vos. It was the off cycle for the electrical grid. The power output was cut in half to conserve energy, and only a few street lamps remained on to illuminate their path.

Starscream could hear himself babbling on about inane things but felt utterly helpless to stop himself. Talking about his recent experiment, bragging about his record-setting flight times, contemplating the type of trine he'd like to have once he finished with his second degree in 'Science and Research' at the Academy. Skyfire politely nodded, never interrupting or even looking bored as Starscream prattled on.

They finally reached the museum and proceeded inside. Only then did Starscream feel like he could stop trying to fill the air with words and grew quiet as they walked around in the darkened exhibit area looking at the various organic plant life and organisms on display. There were only a handful of others in the exhibit area, which made for a pleasant, intimate setting. Starscream paused at one of the displays filled with several plants blooming and glowing in the darkness. It was unlike anything he had seen before. Vibrant blue and purple light radiated from the large petals of the plant's blossoms, and each plant was covered in at least four of the strange yet gorgeous flowers.

"Beautiful, hm?" Skyfire said as he moved next to Starscream.

The larger shuttle stood so close that his arm plating lightly touched Starscream's. Suddenly, all Starscream could register was the warmth of the larger mech. He stared at the plants, but he really wasn't seeing them as he tried to analyze the meaning of Skyfire's proximity. The viewing area was large enough that he certainly didn't need to crowd him, nor were there several other mechs or femmes in the area also clamoring to see the display. So why was Skyfire standing so close? Was he flirting back?

"Starscream?"

He looked up into the soft blue glow of the larger shuttle's optics, which illuminated his handsome face in the darkness. "Yes?"

"You know, I like you. A lot." Skyfire took hold of Starscream's hand, lacing their fingers together. He half turned and gently traced the fingertips of the other hand down Starscream's cheek.

Starscream felt like his spark was going to explode. No one had ever said they liked him. In fact, his classmates did their best to avoid him since they were intimidated by his superiority. To be told he was liked…

"Would it be okay if I kissed you?" Skyfire leaned closer still, his face hovering micrometers away.

Starscream made a face. "I've never kissed anyone before."

A gentle smile spread across Skyfire's lips. "May I be the first, then?"

Starscream vaguely nodded. Not even a moment later, his lips met with the soft pliable metal of Skyfire's, which molded together perfectly with his own. Warmth spread not only over his lips and rippled across his sensory net. Skyfire softly mouthed Starscream's lips, and he reciprocated. They stood in the darkness together, kissing. Starscream felt his whole body react to the lip-only contact: his wings tingled, his knee joints felt weak, his spark pulsed hard and fast… Eventually, Skyfire pulled back, breaking the long, soft kiss and gazed deeply into Starscream's optics.

His processor was whirring, attempting to wrap itself around what was happening. Why did Skyfire like him? Why did he like Skyfire? Nothing logical or ordered explained it. They were different in so many ways it was laughable to think they would end up like this. The swells and fast pulse rate of Starscream's spark seemed to trump all reason. Maybe love wasn't something that could be quantified? He knew so little about the subject. He grew up with one creator, so he never saw this type of attraction or affection in action. He had no examples of how love worked, other than what he read in fictional literature.

"You okay?" Skyfire asked as he canted his head.

All Starscream could do was stare into those pretty blue optics trained on him and nod. He knew the best way to learn was to experiment and see where the results led. Starscream felt a smile curve his lips at the prospect of learning all about something so foreign from someone as kind-sparked as Skyfire.

. . . .

Earth, 1986—

It had been almost an orn since Megatron had been offlined. Talks with Autobots had progressed well. Starscream found Prime to be overly ideal about a great many things. That sort of idealism had been wrung out of Starscream long ago. He happily pointed out flaws in Prime's plans and made sure to bring as much realism to the table as possible.

After another long day of meetings, Starscream and his new second in command, Soundwave, were led to the Autobot's lounge area for energon rations before they left. It was a symbolic gesture of friendship to refuel with Prime and his own SIC, Prowl. He certainly didn't like staying longer than he had to, and he was more than eager to end the day officially so he could briefly visit with his former trine and their sparkling.

Thundercracker and Skywarp seemed to tolerate Starscream's continued presence in their lives. He could never admit just how much he missed them, and he was acutely aware their choice to remain distant was his own doing. The abuse he suffered at Megatron's hands would often lead to his taking out his anger and frustration on them as a way to release his own pain. He knew he had earned their hatred. Still, he couldn't help caring about their well being. They were, for lack of a better description, his family now. While he could never make up for his stellar cycles of handed down abuse, he figured that by keeping his promise to Thundercracker he might someday earn a little forgiveness.

Following behind Prime and his SIC, Starscream walked into the lounge area, and forcibly pushed his thoughts away and held his head high in order to appear superior in the face of a room filled with Autobots.

They all sat down at a corner table and made inane small talk for a breem or so. He would cast a glance out over the large room every once in a while, catching some of the Autobots staring at them. He didn't mind the attention in the least. It fed his ego and sense of self-importance, helping to bat away the twinges of self-doubt that crept in around the edges of his mind.

"Well, we can resume again the day after tomorrow," Prime said as a small, friendly smile spread across his lips. The Autobot leader had retracted his battle mask to drink his engeron. Starscream had secretly hoped there was some ugly scar beneath the mask he could silently stare at, but as it turned out Prime was rather plain-looking.

Starscream nodded and then sipped the remainder of his energon. "If that's all for today, I'd like to go see Thundercracker and Skywarp."

"Of course. Prowl, would you escort–"

"I know the way. No need to bother your SIC with trivial matters." Starscream said, waving his hand dismissively. He pushed to stand and looked at his own second in command. "Soundwave, return to base and make sure everything is in order. I shouldn't be long."

"Yes, sir," Soundwave droned.

Not waiting for an official goodbye, he quickly exited the lounge area and briskly walked down the hallway that led towards the section of barracks where his former trinemates were currently housed.

He turned a corner and to his horror came face-to-face with his past. Skyfire stood about five paces away, paused mid-step and staring with bright optics at Starscream. They had not seen each other since the day they fought Megaton.

"Starscream…"

Pain rippled through his spark. He immediately started to internally scold himself. Fraggit. Forget about it! Stop thinking this will ever be what it once was. It's fragged this up beyond repair, and he still doesn't know–

"You going to see Thundercracker and Skywarp?"

Starscream attempted to gather his composure. "Yes. What of it?"

Skyfire shifted his weight to a more natural stance than the mid-stride Starscream had caught him in. "They're in medbay right now. Lightningbolt is getting a quick check up, and I think Ratchet needs to prep Thundercracker for the arm reattachment."

"I see." Starscream couldn't help the frown he felt pulling at his lips. He would have to try and see them another time. He stared at Skyfire, thinking he should say something flippant and make an excuse to leave. Instead he was frozen in place, unable to think of anything coherent to say as his spark ached and twisted in its chamber.

"So, how long will you be mad at me?" Skyfire quietly asked.

Starscream crossed his arms over his chest and narrowed his optics. He wants forgiveness? "You honestly think your little show of camaraderie will make everything all better?"

"No. I just– Look, it's far too late to dissolve our bond, Starscream. Besides, even if I could, I wouldn't." Skyfire dimmed his optics. "I still love you."

Starscream felt a swell of hurt and fear roll through him in response, but those emotions quickly morphed into a sharp anger. "Frag you! You have no idea what I went through!"

Skyfire sadly frowned. "I didn't leave you on purpose. I didn't mean to hurt you."

Starscream shook his head. Their bonding to one another had happened when he was still attending the Academy. He had endured millions of stellar cycles of being locked into a bond with someone who wasn't dead or alive, just missing. Then their would-be happy reunion here on Earth was left in ruins after Skyfire showed that he lacked the loyalty Starscream expected a bondmate to have. Granted, he knew on some level what drove his anger had more to do with a build up of resentment that had festered in his spark at being left all alone. Losing Skyfire had irrevocably changed the course of his life. His sense of being safe had been ripped away from him. The budding inner strength Skyfire had fostered was extinguished and replaced by an unrelenting anger. While Skyfire was sorry for hurting him, he couldn't turn back time and fix things. It couldn't change what happened after he returned from their ill-fated trip. It couldn't bring back all that he lost back then, including not only his former self, but also the sparkling he found out he had been carrying.

"You'll never understand," Starscream spat out. And I lack the strength of spark to tell you why, he mentally added. It all still hurt too much to face. By sheer force of will, he managed to come unglued from where he stood, and spun on his heels to rapidly make his escape. He sped through the hallways and out the open entrance of the Ark, taking off as soon as he was clear of the doorway.

At his fastest possible speed he flew away from the part of his past that hurt him most. He was a supreme leader now, and it was unbecoming to give into such weak emotions. He wanted to be seen as iron-willed and strong. Not broken-sparked, like he knew deep down he really was.

. . . .

Cybertron, The Golden Age—

Lightly fingering his chest, Starscream sensed something wasn't right. He sat silently waiting for the medical officer to come in to the small exam room. Finding out he had been sparked had been a surprisingly happy bit of news in the midst of his mourning the loss of his bondmate. But the usual illness he had been enduring for the last orn had suddenly stopped, and it was too early for phase two.

His father was already furious about the bonding and Starscream's moving out of their family home to be with Skyfire. His father had a set path for Starscream to proceed down for his education and career. Starscream's defiance enraged him. But Starscream found his love for Skyfire had given him the strength to stand up to his overbearing father. Without Skyfire there to offer him the support he needed, he knew it was best to wait until the sparkling was in his arms before letting his father know about it.

"All right, let's run a scan, shall we?" the medical officer said as he walked into the room.

Starscream frowned as he lay back, opening his chest plate to expose his spark. He watched the medic intently as the scan started. The medical officer furrowed his brow as a look of concern crossed his face. The scan continued far longer than Starscream felt it should have. With each passing moment, his fears intensified.

"I'm very sorry." The medic glanced away from the scanner, sadly frowning at Starscream. "It looks like the sparklet has reabsorbed into your spark. I'm afraid it's gone."

The last tiny glimmer of the life he shared with Skyfire was gone? Nothing of Skyfire was left? Nothing at all?

"What do you mean gone?" Starscream replied in an accusatory tone.

"It happens sometimes. Sparklets that aren't well formed enough can suddenly disperse and be reabsorbed. More often than not, this seems to happen with younger mechs, which is probably the case here. I'm very sorry. You could certainly try again, though."

The medic's words stung as the enormity of his loss broke him.

Pain ripped through his spark, and he felt his mind struggling to understand. No bondmate and no sparkling meant that not a single, tangible trace of his momentary happiness was left now. Reality was harsh and unrelenting in its lack of compassion. Was that how he'd have to be in order to survive it? Compassionless, hard, and uncaring about anything other than the pursuit of being the best, just like his father wanted? Primus, how could this have happened?

Warnings scrolled through his processor, telling him to shut down. His body was trying to do what his spark wanted to: escape from the waking world. He gave into its desire, slipping offline right there on the exam table. His last thoughts being how he wished with every ounce of his being he'd never have to rejoin such a cruel world again.

. . . .

Earth, 1986—

Skyfire asked to be excused from his assigned shift after his run in with Starscream. He told Prowl he wasn't feeling too well, which got him released from his duties for the day. He lay on his berth blankly staring at the glass ceiling. His room was in the top observation desk of the Ark, since it was the only place large enough to house him and the larger berth he required. His view of Earth's blue sky was mostly obscured by the rock of the mountain the Ark lay embedded in, though.

Waking from an icy tomb after eons had passed had been jarring to say the least, but the most upsetting part had been seeing how Starscream had changed. He had always been ambitious and arrogant, but that was only a facet of Starscream's complicated personality. He used to also be intensely curious, creative, and passionate about the things that interested him. Wonderfully engaging qualities that Skyfire loved about him. Somehow those parts of Starscream seemed to be missing now. A fiery anger that never existed before was now firmly in place.

Even with the apparent change in his mate, he still wanted to be with him. He couldn't help that he still loved him with all his spark. And he wondered if those missing parts weren't missing at all, but tucked safely away for some reason.

Starscream said things to constantly hurt him in those first few Earth days after he thawed. Like proudly admitting that he was Megatron's lover and claiming that their bond meant nothing to him anymore. Starscream's words had been biting, and it felt as if he had pushed Skyfire away on purpose. But why? Why had Starscream behaved that way? There had to be an underlying reason. If only Skyfire could figure out what.

The buzzer to his room sounded. He glanced at the door and sighed a huff of air from his intakes. He really didn't want to see anyone right now. As much as he would have preferred to indulge his anti-social desire, he decided it might cause whoever bothered to stop by to worry about him. He was usually extremely friendly and social and didn't really want to tarnish that reputation. He slid off his berth and walked to the door, which retracted to reveal his concerned looking colleague.

"Here," Perceptor said as he held out an energon ration. "You should be sure to keep yourself well-fueled if you happen to not be feeling well. Have you gone to see Ratchet? Perhaps I should contact him, have him come up and exam–"

"Percy, I'm okay. I promise." Skyfire managed to smile at his visitor. Perceptor had such a kind spark, always looking out for others.

"There is no need to lie to me, you know." Perceptor raised an optic ridge at Skyfire.

"My not feeling well has nothing to with my systems." Skyfire stepped aside and gestured for his visitor to come in. They both wandered to the oversized berth and sat down.

"Thank you for thinking of me." Skyfire fingered the energon cube in his grasp.

"Of course." Perceptor turned sideways to face Skyfire. "Tell me, do you consider me a friend?"

Glancing at Perceptor, Skyfire noted the look of determination on the microscope's face. "Yes, we are friends."

"Clearly, something is deeply troubling you. As a friend, I would like you know that you may confide in me."

Skyfire dropped his gaze to the floor. "I'm not sure what talking about it would accomplish."

"Well, for one, it would give you an outlet to release your emotions. It is also a good way to gain perspective outside your own perceptions." Perceptor reached out and placed a hand on Skyfire's arm. "Besides, you can trust that I would not violate a confidence placed in me."

Skyfire let his wings sag slightly as he looked back at Perceptor. Maybe talking about it would help him process everything. "If I tell you, you have to promise not to tell anyone else about it."

Perceptor fervently nodded. "Of course."

Skyfire shifted his gaze to the energon again. "I am bonded to Starscream. We bonded long before the war. And thing is, despite everything, I still love him."

"Oh my. That sounds…complicated."

"Yeah. It is." Skyfire grew quiet for a moment, as his thoughts seem to swirl in his processor. "I don't know if he still loves me, though. He's not quite the same mech I once knew."

"He wasn't always so self-absorbed?" Perceptor asked, sounding surprised.

Skyfire laughed a little as he glanced back at Perceptor. "No, he's always wanted to be the center of attention and been extremely ambitious. But when we were alone, he was also very charming." Skyfire fondly remembered the long conversations they would get caught up in, the affectionate way Starscream would curl up against him when they recharged together, and the look of adoration in his optics after each kiss they shared.

"With the war over, have you considered trying to speak with him again?" Perceptor liked looking for solutions to the problems, a trait of his personality not that unlike Starscream's.

"I did speak to him earlier. It didn't go very well."

"I see." Perceptor rubbed at his chin. "Often times our findings need more than one test or experiment to form a firm conclusion. Perhaps a bit of persistence will yield a proper result. Or at least a more solid result that will tell you how to proceed."

Skyfire smiled. Perceptor certainly did see the world in more practical terms. "That seems like a good idea. Thank you."

"Any time," Perceptor replied brightly smiling back.

. . . .

"You see now what a horrible mistake you made bonding to that inferior flier? No one will want you now, and what's worse, you'll never be able to have offspring." Starscream's father scolded him as he paced back and forth in the main living area of the family home.

Starscream had cleared his things out from Skyfire's apartment and moved back into his father's house. He had two more stellar cycles of classes before he would graduate with his second degree, and his father insisted he couldn't study and work to afford the apartment on his own at the same time. Not without his class scores suffering.

A thick numbness had taken hold of Starscream. He no longer cared about anything at all. Even attending classes left him feeling hollow. Nothing seemed to matter anymore. Without Skyfire or their sparkling, he saw no point in taking part in life.

"You even listening to me?" his father suddenly shouted.

Starscream glanced up into his father's fiery red optics. "Yes." He really wasn't listening, though.

His father's shoulders sunk. "You know I just want the best for you and for you to be the best."

"I know." Starscream felt too emotionally disconnected to be upset his father was yelling at him.

"Go. You have studying to do, I'm sure." His father waved his hand in the air as he sharply gestured toward the hallway and Starscream's room beyond. Even though he was a matured mech, his father still treated him like he was a youngling.

Without a word, Starscream stood up to do as he was told. Part of him was screaming to fight back, while the other part felt too defeated to bother. As the battle waged in his mind, he wondered which side might win out in the end.

"Well? You just going stand there like a statue or what?" His father sourly looked at Starscream as he folded his arms against his chest.

His father's words slowly repeated in his mind. …you'll never be able to have offspring. His spark ached as he allowed that statement sink in fully. You see now what a horrible mistake you made bonding to that inferior flier? Mistake or not, Skyfire had shown him what it felt like to love, and he wouldn't trade that for anything. He then narrowed his optics on his father. "Frag you."

"What did you just say?"

Starscream felt all the numbness start to slip away as an intense anger barreled to the surface. "I said, frag you."

His father's optics brightened with surprise. "You little glitch. How dare you speak to me like that? I should–"

"What? What more could you do me that I haven't already endured?" Starscream's anger seemed to expand and engulf him. "You are an insignificant blip in this world. Trying to make your mark on it by using me!" His fists clenched as he gave into the seductive sensation of power that his anger brought him. "I will be the best at everything I do. Remembered in the annals of time for my talent. And you will be long forgotten by everyone, especially me." He spun on his heels and stormed out of the house he grew up in, leaving everything behind.

With his malaise lifted and hot anger still pumping through his lines, he quickly walked through the streets of Vos, considering what he wanted. Eventually he decided he would work to keep the apartment while also studying and graduating at the top of his class. He would do it all on his own, even if that meant running himself into the ground. His future path of a life with Skyfire was gone, but now he would forge a new path for himself. One he planned and he chose, not the one his father laid out for him. I'm going to leave an indelible mark on history. Make a name for myself. If the harsh reality of life was going to punch him in the spark, he decided he was going to grab hold and punch back with all his might.

. . . .

"Where's Skywarp?" Starscream asked as he took a seat on a medbay berth across from Thundercracker. He was back on the Autobot base for the next round of negotiations and decided to stop in to see how Thundercracker was faring with his new lower arm.

"Flying with Skyfire," Thundercracker said staring down at the small sparkling curled up against his chest, deeply recharging.

Skyfire… Even the mention of his name was becoming almost unbearably painful. Starscream's gaze fell to Lightningbolt. "And they left you two here?"

"I'm still having some trouble with the new arm and controlling it, so Ratchet hasn't cleared me yet. Plus, Bolt was too tired to go up anyway. He's going through a growth cycle at the moment. Ratchet said he needs more recharge when that happens."

Starscream could see the huge change in Thundercracker's demeanor after having Lightningbolt. He seemed so much more at peace, hopeful even. Starscream wondered how different he might be if he hadn't lost the sparkling he once carried. That thought made his spark silently ache in his chest. Why did the past have to hurt so much? More than that, he believed he had laid it all to rest, so why was it suddenly rearing its ugly head at him now?

"You okay?"

Starscream realized he had been staring at the sparkling. He immediately looked back up at Thundercracker and narrowed his optics. "Perfectly fine. Why?"

"I don't know. You seem… different lately." Thundercracker tilted his head to one side.

"Different how?" Starscream asked as he made a disapproving face.

"Almost like you're sad. Which is weird, seeing as you have everything you ever wanted," Thundercracker replied.

Shifting his hands to rest on his hips, Starscream deeply frowned. He must have not been covering up his inner turmoil very well if Thundercracker had noticed a shift in his mood. "Maybe you need to have that medic check your processor. I am perfectly content."

Thundercracker laughed. "Riiight. We've known each other too long for you to successfully lie to me."

"Oh, please. You don't know me that well." Starscream straightened his posture and perked his wings up.

"I most certainly do. Like whenever you lift up your wings, you are trying to seem more confident than you actually are about something," Thundercracker replied as gestured with his repaired arm. "I watched you do that countless times when you were lying to Megatron."

"Hmph." Starscream let his wings lower marginally but refused to admit his former trinemate was reading him perfectly.

"So what is it? Is it Megatron's death?" Thundercracker asked. "I honestly never understood what it was between you two, but I also never thought you were all that attached to him, either."

"Ugh, that insane manic is exactly where he belongs, in a scrap heap." Starscream said with a disdainful frown.

"Then what is it? Cause you've been acting differently since that battle," Thundercracker said as he furrowed his brow.

It occurred to Starscream that without Megatron taking up all his time and energy, that might explain why his processor was now spitting out old memories and painful repressed feelings that he hadn't had time to deal with before. How annoying, he thought.

Thundercracker half smiled. "Hm, is it Skyfire?"

"Have you got fried circuits or something? It's not anything. You're over analyzing everything. I am not any different than before, you idiot." Starscream crossed his arms over his chest and scowled at Thundercracker to show his aggravation.

"It is Skyfire." Thundercracker grinned at Starscream.

"Plug in your audios. I said it's nothing!"

"I hear you perfectly. You're being overly defensive. And your wings are hiked up as far as they'll go." Thundercracker started to laugh again. The sparkling in his arms stretched and made a small whine as his optics briefly lit. "Oh sorry, Bolt. Didn't mean to wake you." Thundercracker lightly patted Lightningbolt's back in a gentle rhythmic manner. Immediately the sparkling curled back up and slipped back off line.

"All it takes is some pats to the back and he recharges?" Starscream found the ease with which Thundercracker dealt with his sparkling amazing.

"Yeah, mimics a spark pulse. He likes it." Thundercracker looked back up at Starscream, and they locked gazes. "Look, all teasing aside, I don't mean to pry. I just hope this less harsh version of you sticks around. It's a vast improvement."

His former trinemates had both stopped censoring what they said to him, offering a candor that often surprised Starscream. He knew they disliked him, even hated him. He accepted that fact. So hearing Thundercracker speak as if he not only tolerated Starscream but also might like him on some level actually felt…good.

He decided to offer a little bit of trust to Thundercracker in return. "I suppose without the constant threat of Megatron, it might be altering how I act. As far as Skyfire goes, that's not something I want to talk about, understood?"

Thundercracker half smiled. "Yeah."

Starscream looked back at the sparkling. Lightningbolt really had changed so many things, all without being aware of the impact his creation had made on all their lives. Starscream envied Thundercracker. Being the supreme leader of the Decepticons was what he thought he wanted, but now he was starting wish for something more. If only he could somehow let go of the past and the pain contained within it.

"You want to hold him?" Thundercracker asked.

Starscream's gaze shot up to Thundercracker's face. "Keh, like Skywarp would ever approve of that."

"He's not here. Besides, he's not as mad at you as he was. Here, come hold him. Bolt's so tired he shouldn't cry or anything." Thundercracker sat forward and gestured with his head to come closer.

Not wanting to pass up what might be his only opportunity, Starscream stood up and moved to the side of his former trinemate's berth. Very carefully, he scooped the recharging sparkling out of Thundercracker's arms and held him against his own chest. Lightningbolt's optics dimly lit as he stretched his small limbs before curling against his cockpit without a single cry of protest at the stranger holding him. They silently stared into one another's optics. A mixture of sadness at his own loss and the amazing gesture of trust and apparent forgiveness Thundercracker exhibited felt overwhelming.

"Not Tee-cee," Lightningbolt said, seemingly confused.

"I'm Starscream, little flier."

Lightningbolt made a soft whining sound.

"Pat his back," Thundercracker directed.

Starscream mimicked the rhythmic patting he watched Thundercracker do moments before. Lightningbolt relaxed and his optics went dark as he slipped back into a light recharge. Starscream marveled at the sensation of the small sparkling's weight and warmth. His spark silently ached, and he felt intensely envious of what his trinemates had together. If only things had been different. If only Skyfire hadn't been lost that day. If only…

So, how long will you be mad at me? Skyfire's words echoed through his processor.

Honestly, he was tired of feeling so angry all the time, but letting go of what helped him survive was a terrifying prospect. That fierce anger gave him the strength to endure and fight. Not just fight in a war but also fight the cruel harshness reality liked to bash him with.

Staring at the small sparkling in his arms he felt a renewed desire burning in his spark, a desire for the life he had lost, but he couldn't expose himself to love again. Not when it could be so easily ripped away. Not when it nearly broke him once already.

"You and Skywarp are very fortunate," Starscream said quietly.

"I know. We beat odds stacked against us," Thundercracker replied. "Guess that's the true power of a strong bond."

Starscream glanced back at Thundercracker. "Perhaps."

'I still love you.'

There was no escaping or reasoning away how his spark felt. All the twisting, all the envy toward his trinemates, all the longing it kept bombarding him with… It was then he realized he still loved Skyfire, too.

AN- This is one of a three part story that is finished. I should be posting the rest over the coming days. Thanks for reading!