Pure Parody II, a twilight fanfic

Unlike my first Pure Parody, this one will be a bit harsher. I consider New Moon to be the better story, and therefore I shall pick on it more. It'll make me feel better about myself!

Anyways, this was done for humor purposes. No need to flame for trying to make a few laughs.

Remember girls, Edwards do not exist in real life. Jacobs, on the other hand, actually do.

Once upon a terrible time there lived a girl by the name of not Stephanie Myer-Bella Swan.

Bella was just like any other girl. She was beloved by all the men in her school, and even some girls. She had a perfect built and was smart as a…well, you know. She had a look that could kill, which was a shame because it was her ONLY look.

She also had a boyfriend.

A VAMPIRE boyfriend.

Bet you didn't see that coming. Oh, you did? Too bad, made for an interesting twist.

Anyways, as most chronicles follow; Bella went to Forks-the American equivalent of England-because she couldn't handle her mother falling in love blah blah blah you already know…

"Are we at the part where we talk about Edward," Bella asked the author with great anticipation. She frowned. "God I miss him….we haven't' spoken about him for almost a minute!"

…

Bella Swan, future Noble Prize winner, was suffering from an onslaught of depression. The worst thing to have ever happen in her hormonal teen life had happened. She was a year older. Even worse, she was almost older-physically speaking- than "handsome as the devil because he is the devil" Edward Cullen. God forbid she be older then her boyfriend. After all, what would the press think?

Edward, having a strange fetish for the living, does not care. He loves his Bella-Wella-Banana-Fanana-fo-fella, dull facial features and all. He drives Bella to his house full of vampires to celebrate her birthday together…you know, because that's the logical thing to do!

"Hello Bella," Carlisle whispered as he lifted up the sharpest cleaver known to man. "Care to cut the cake?"

"Or pin the tail on the donkey," Rosalie suggested as she lifted up a fake donkey tail attached to a long, jagged, rusted nail.

"Want to open presents," Alice asked as she picked up a present with rather sharp edges. She smiled seductively, because she was a vampire and all and vampires are hot, "I sharpened the edges myself."

"Or you can put on this ridiculously pointed hat," Emmet said. "Be careful though, the last thing you want is to-"

Bella ended up getting a paper cut.

And this is where we question the whole "party at a vampire's house" situation. Jasper, the emo of the family, soon went mad with hunger as he inhaled Bella's intoxicating…blood aroma. It was even worse because Bella's blood was special as it was.

"Jasper, control yourself," Carlisle said, trying to control the younger vampire with his barely audible voice.

"Om, Nom, Nom," Jasper hissed.

"Hey…maybe bringing Bella over here wasn't a good idea," Esme muttered. The word "wasn't" being extra italicized.

But have no fear, Edward is here!

Edward, being the smart, all too perfect guy that he was; did the only thing he could think of.

Push Bella out of the way….with his superhuman strength.

And so, Bella flew half way across the room, crashing into a wall, a bookshelf, a fireplace, an indoor swimming pool, the author's hopes and dreams, and then crashed landed on a table. Unfortunately the table did not survive. Fortunately, Bella did.

"Bella," Edward beckoned. "Are you alright?"

"….ghtthi43o," Bella grumbled incoherently.

"Oh thank god," Edward said with a huge sigh of relief. "For a second I thought I made things worse…"

One huge hospital bill and Charlie yelling later…

Edward decided to drag Bella out to the forest. Bella, being the genius that she is, has no idea he is about to dump her.

"I'm leaving you Bella," Edward said solemnly. "I'm too dangerous for you! You keep getting hurt around me. And I think the blows to your head are starting to make you even weirder than before."

"Ok then," Bella said. "I understand. This relationship was risky to begin with. Perhaps its better that I live a normal life and be as happy as I can without you. And, all things considering, I'd like to think that me being with you have taught me the value of a human life."

"Goodbye Bella," Edward said.

"By Edward," Bella replied as she embraced him, a few tears running down her face.

This, however, did not happen.

Too bad, made for a interesting twist.

Instead we get….

"Bella I'm leaving," Edward said.

"What?" Bella asked.

"If you'll excuse me, I need to go dramatically walk away and disappear on you now," Edward said, doing such.

"…" Bella said.

"…"

Queue dramatic music.

"…"

"…Edward," Bella asked several hours later as she wandered deeper and deeper into the forest.

Even better, a search party had to go out looking for her.

We now find ourselves turning the pages…

…

…now would be a wonderful time to mention all the baby orangutans out there without a home due to all the trees being cut down. Did you know all those blank pages could have just been one, stating that a few months had gone by without Edward? Imagine…one less baby animal without a mother to call its own… kinda makes you think, doesn't it?

…

…so, where were we again?

In response to the end of her high school relationship, Bella decided to spend her time screaming in her sleep, pulling her hair, shaving her hair, not caring about life, not caring about how Lost ended, and listening to the new Green Day Cd. She was just that hopeless without Edward. Also, being that the end of a high school love meant the end of life itself, Bella decided to no longer spend time with her "friends". She also spoke in a monotone voice, but that's how she was all the time. The only difference was that people actually noticed.

And speaking of noticing…

"Hey Bells," Jacob said, handing Bella a bouquet of read roses. "How's it going?"

"…"

"Nice to know," Jacob said. "So…I was wondering, with you being lonely and desperate and all, if you wanted to rebound with me?"

"…"

"I'll take that as a yes," Jacob said with a smirk.

Then occurs what can best be called a mess. A real mess. Bella decides to go ride motorcycles-Stephanie's way of character development?-spend time with Jacob while being awkward as ever, and spend every waking moment think about Edward. Yes, that's how pure the love was for Bella. Every dream, breath, smell, release of flatulence was all about Edward.

And Jacob just took it up the butt.

That was until he stopped talking to Bella.

"Can I speak to Jacob," Bella asked through the phone.

"Chases Vampires in Wolf Form is not here," Jacob's father replied through the phone.

"Oh…well, when he is, can you tell him I called," Bella asked.

"Sure," was the reply, though it sounded very doubtful.

Bella hung up the phone and sighed.

"Huh…weird Indian name for Jacob," she said.

Then, no big surprise, a vampire came along. It was one of the vampires from the first book. Nothing really much to say, other than the fact that he should have died long ago…in the first book.

"Good day Bella," evil vampire number two said.

"Oh, hello," Bella said.

"So, how are things," he asked.

"Pretty good," Bella lied. She faked a smile and continued to daydream about the days she and Edward would work together on her facial expression.

"I here the Cullen's are gone," evil vampire number two said.

"Huh….oh…no…," Bella lied. "They're here, totally here. Edward didn't leave me." Badly. "We're still together. Why would you say such a thing?"

"You know what Bella, I think you're lying," evil vampire number two who's name I cannot remember said, "And I hate liars….that and you pissed off James' woman."

"Oh…"

"So I'm gonna have to pop a cap into you now," he said.

"I'm not afraid," Bella said stupidly.

"Why," he asked. Then laughed, "Don't tell me; you hear Edward's voice in your head and he's telling you everything is going to be ok?"

"Actually no," Bella said. "I'm not afraid because this is a book written by an American."

"What does that have to do with-?"

"ZOOOOOOOOL MOTHERFUCKER," a giant wolf howled as he began to gore the black vampire.

Fun fact; a black character is several times more likely to be killed, die, or just be removed in a storyline that was written or produced by an American.

So Bella lived another day of obligatory waste.

Then another "twist" arrived.

"Bella, I'm a shift shaper," Jacob said.

"Huh…figured so," Bella said, not even lifting an eyebrow to Jacob's odd statement.

"Really," Jacob asked, a bit perplexed by Bella's reaction to this.

"Yeah," Bella said, "after all, it's a story about vampires. Only a matter of time before a werewolf pops by."

"But I'm not a werewolf," Jacob said, shaking his head. "I'm a shape shifter, there is a difference."

"Sure, whatever makes you feel better," Bella said.

And another.

"I'll never age," Jacob said.

"That's not a twist, that's a plot convenience," Bella said.

And another.

"I have the ability to imprint," Jacob said.

And another.

"My whole tribe can do it…even the girls," Jacob said as he felt the presence of feminists gathering around him.

And another.

"Jacob I…." Bella looked away unsurely.

"Pick me," Jacob said. "I'll be there for you; we can grow old together…"

"I thought you said you couldn't-"

"Only if I continue to transform," Jacob added.

"Seriously; plot convenience," Bella muttered.

"But think about it Bella," Jacob said. "He's over a hundred years old. You're still young. I mean….that would be like me dating a baby-which would never happen by the way."

"Gosh, lets hope so," Bella said with a disgusted look on her face.

"Wanna make out," Jacob asked.

And then another…you get the deal.

Then Bella decided to jump a cliff. Without ADULT supervision. Because she was so mature. Luckily Jacob just so happened to be there to save her…if you can call that lucky. Surprisingly enough, the author couldn't think of a joke to insert for this part of the story. Strange.

Soon after this, Alice appears from nowhere. She sees Bella jumping off the cliff, and because her powers are limited, did not see Bella come back up from the jump. She then points out the "Edward can read my mind" card on Bella and tells her that he is pretty worried about her…cause she might be dead and all. Of course, most of this is hard to pay attention to with Alice constantly rubbing herself all over Bella. Seriously, what is with this chick…err, back to the story;

"I saw you jump off a cliff," Alice yelled. "What the hell Bella? Are you some kind of idiot?"

"Well…," Bella drifted off.

"Don't answer that," Alice said with a shake of her head.

"So, where's Edward," Bella asked, looking over Alice's shoulder. "Surely if you came then my beloved Edward is here too…"

"I'm beginning to see why Feminists hate you," Alice muttered.

Then Jacob walked in and began bitching about Alice being here. Alice and Jacob then begin to show what may be true emotions, but then the phone rings, saving them both from having to bear such a huge burden.

Now, we all know who's on the other line. We all know its Edward. And we all know Jacob knows its Edward too. He recognized the vampire's lack of emotion in his stoic voice. Jacob's not stupid…ish. And we know Edward can recognize the fact that Jacob is on the phone, answering it.

Now, despite the fact that Edward isn't sure whether or not Bella is dead, as he can only read minds and has said that Bella does not follow conduct for his powers. Considering that Bella has proven to be a survivor of many things, whether it be vampire stalkers or a nuclear explosion…surely he would have been smart enough to think, perhaps, just perhaps, that Jacob answering the phone-a dear friend to Bella who would watch over her no matter what-would mean that Bella may be alive. So, instead of asking something vague, he would be a bit more specific?

"Hello," Edward said into the phone. "I was wondering if I could, perhaps, speak to Charlie? You know; Bella's old man? Rather than speak to Bella, since it would be a lot more convenient that way to find out her current physical status, I figure Charlie, a guy who does not like me nor trust me, would be more helpful."

"He's busy planning a funeral," Jacob answered. "And rather than tell you who the funeral is for, I'll just hang up and leave you to ponder…"

"A funeral huh?" Edward said. "I'll just jump to conclusions and assume Bella is dead. I mean, you've proven to be a trustworthy sort of fellow, so I'll believe it to be so."

"Bye."

"Cheerio," Edward said, "now, if you'll excuse me. I'll go kill myself now in the most dramatic and unreliable way possible."

So this time, Bella has to go save Edward.

Bet you didn't see that one coming?

Oh wait, you did?

Too bad, would have made for an interesting twist.

And so Bella and Alice go to Italy to go save Edward. I let this sentence linger a bit so you can grasp the true stupidity of it. Because, how in the passport hell did Bella and Alice manage this without causing some sort of concern to Bella's family is beyond me. You know what; I'm not even going to bother…

"So…how is Edward going to kill himself again," Bella asked.

"He's going to take off his clothes and walk about in the sunlight," Alice replied.

"…and how will this kill him," Bella asked.

"Millions of fan girls and lonely woman will stampede over to him, causing what could best be called "An Estrogen Avalanche"," Alice replied. She shook her head. "Edward won't stand a chance…"

"But…he's a vampire," Bella said nervously. "Surely there will be a chance he may survive."

"If he does the Volturi will get him," Alice said, looking out into space.

"The Volturi," Bella asked.

"A family of vampires," Alice answered.

"What will they do," Bella asked nervously.

"Mostly just talk," Alice said, "I mean, they'll make it seem like they'll do something, but most of the time they just take up a chapter of talking…"

"Oh…"

But of course we all know that half of this does not happen. Bella arrives in the city and saves Edward right in the knick of time.

And they lived happily ever after…

Except the Volturi decide to screw everything up.

"Helloooo," Aro said to Bella in a voice that could make a pedophile seem innocent. "Mind of I touch you?"

I'll leave it at that as my whole description for the coven. Because it can only go downhill from there. Trust me when I say that I have a list of joke for these guys. A list. However, we do get a rather…startling glimpse of what may come…

"Bella's gonna be a vampire," Alice said.

Oh wait, did I say startling?

"I object!" Edward said.

"Too late," both Aro and Bella said at the same time.

So everybody returns home back to Forks. The Cullen's move back in because apparently the events in Italy prove that Bella should be surrounded by Vampires. Charlie doesn't beat the shit out of Bella for just leaving to another country, proving that no character in this book survived the stupid disease that rampages throughout this town.

But then Jacob and Edward have a tussle.

"You can't love her the way I do," Jacob said, pointing a finger at Edward. "You're just a monster!"

"And you're a furry," Edward replied.

"…ok, that was aiming a bit too low," Jacob said.

"Boys, boys," Bella said while reading a magazine, not really paying attention to what was going on, "don't fight over me…."

And THEN they lived happily ever after.

"You know you're being stalked by James' woman right," Edward asked. "What's her name…ginger?"

"Wait…what?" Bella asked.

Edward smiled.

"I love it when you act all confused a stupid," Edward said, his voice more monotone than ever.

"Uhm, yeah," Bella said. She smiled back at Edward. "I love you Edward."

"I love you too," Edward said, not making eye contact with Bella.

"Not as much as I love you," Bella said, putting a finger on Edward's nose.

"You're…probably right," Edward said.

To be continued…

Not sure if there will be another one of these. I've never read the third book. I don't know...the idea is still in limbo.

Oh well. Thanks for reading this. Hope it didn't piss anyone of you Twi-hard girls too much.