Broken Promise

Written by: HoshiHikari

Disclaimer: I do not own CSI NY

Summary: It's 9/11 again but this time Mac finds himself struggling to come to terms with Stella not being there to help him face his demons.

Warnings: Character death. Stella isn't alive in this but its a Mac/Stella fic anyway.

Author Notes: I had really wanted to do a September 11th 10 year anniversary fic and had been saving this for next year, however because of the recent news about Melina leaving, I have decided that come next year my Smacked muse will probably be dead and so have decided to do this now. Having said that, this is far from the type of fic that I had set out to do, in fact I think this has turned into a drabble, a mere snapshot of a particular time and place. Taking into consideration of Melina's departure from the show, I have decided that the only way Stella wouldn't be there for a Mac on this day would be if she too were dead. So if you don't think you're in the mood for this, then please turn back now. Otherwise I hope you will enjoy this drabble.

"I've been dreading the arrival of this day for weeks now. I would have thought that I would have died from mere anticipation, but now that today is finally here, I find that I am still alive. I must admit that I am surprised at the lack of emotional sadness which usually comes pre-attached to this day but I must say that this isn't an unwelcome experience. In fact I can almost say that I'm relieved that I have yet to be consumed by grief. Wait, I take that back. I am in grief, but for reasons that have nothing to do with today. And it's these reasons that make me feel guilty and angry at both you and myself.

It's September 11 damn it. A full decade since Claire died and instead of remembering her, instead of grieving about her death, all I can think about, grieve about is you. What the hell did you do to me? How the hell did you do this to me? She was my wife for God's sake and today's her death day but all I can do is be consumed by thoughts of you."

I take in a deep breath and let it out slowly.

"Why did you leave me? Why are you gone? Why aren't you here helping me through this? You're suppose to be here helping me through this. You promised. You said that that is what partner's do, that we take care of each other, but you lied. I need you to take care of me now like you always do, year after year and into forever. But you're not here now are you? You lied. You broke our promise."

At this my voice breaks.

"I need you. I need you so much that it hurts. You were the rock that kept me grounded, the pillar that kept me standing. How am I suppose to face today or any day after without you? We both know that I wouldn't have made it this far without you."

Here I let silence reign for a few minutes before speaking again.

"Why did you do it? Why did you take that bullet meant for me? Why didn't you fight harder for life? Why did you make me suffer through another death, but this time having to deal with it alone?"

Now that I started the deadly why game regarding your final moments, I found that I couldn't stop. Of course I knew that you couldn't answer, but I found that I had to continue asking anyway, especially since the last moments of your life flashes through my mind again like it always does whenever I close my eyes. Your death is one of two things that keep me up at night, the other of course being the collapse of the Twin Tower and even now I can't tell which is the lesser of the two evils.

A sudden pain in my knuckles interrupts my thoughts. I look down and stared numbly at my bleeding fist. I hadn't even realized I had punched my best friend's tombstone out of anger and frustration.

"Sorry. Didn't mean to do that. I'm just so angry." Here I paused. "Guess I'm terrible company right now so I guess I better come back some other time."

Here I reached out and wiped off my blood that had been left on the tombstone.

"Besides, I have to go anyway. You know Claire, she'll probably be fuming because I haven't visited her today. So I guess I'll see you some other time. Goodbye...for now."

I curse myself for not being able to say your name out loud. After creasing your name lovingly on the tombstone for the final time today, I turn around and head towards my new destination.

I hope you all enjoyed this even though it seemed a little choppy and didn't really flow and not my best work. Now sure how to edit it though so just blame that on the lack of muse and trouble thinking straight (the way Mac would be if Stella really died). I do apologize if I made anyone feel even more depressed then before. But I think considering the topic, I did a good job in making it as light as possible. I did it so that it played off on conclusions left unsaid then what Mac ranted about. I just wanted to get this idea off my chest (the decade anniversary of 9/11, even if it turned out nothing as I had wanted it before). As you can see, I purposely left out names as I thought it was obvious that it was Mac's POV and that he was still in too much pain to say Stella's name out loud. I also purposely kept how Stella's death occurred short since that wasn't really where the drabble was trying to focus. It really was more about the fact that Stella was dead and Mac having to face Claire's death for the first time in 10 years—alone—while dealing with the additional death of his long time friend. Besides the muse wasn't all that composed. Having said that, I know I still have 2 ongoing Smacked fics that I have long delayed. I wanted to say that I haven't given up on them yet. The muse hasn't been entirely defeated, so I will try to finish them soon.