Author's Note: So, I'm back. But, I don't know for how long. I named a WoW character after this fic, mostly so it would remind me that I need to work on the story. But, I haven't updated it in a while, and I've got seven other characters, so I'm sure you can guess how much play time she gets. (;

Anyway, onto the story.

Elle sat on the couch, her knees pulled against her chest, her arms wrapped around them. Her face, streaked with tears, was impassive as her eyes held fast to the door. She had long since given up on Emily returning tonight.

She'd paced for a while; debated calling the team. But she didn't want to bring them into Emily's business. She'd sent a few texts, and finally gotten up the courage to call Emily. Only to hear her phone ringing in their bedroom. That was when she had collapsed on the couch, finally letting the tears come.

She hadn't been sure at the time if she was crying because Emily had hurt her, or because she had hurt Emily. Truth be told, she still wasn't sure.

But suddenly her eyes brain recognized what her eyes were seeing and she straightened, startled.

"You're back." Her voice was filled with surprise.

"You're still here." The words came slowly from Emily's lips, as if she hadn't expected to have to utter them.

"Where else would I go?" Elle asked.

Emily shrugged and shut the door, not moving any further into the house.

"Where have you been?" Elle tried to keep her voice from shaking as she watched the sick little smile make it's way onto Emily's face.

"I think you know where I've been." Emily leaned back against the door, crossing her arms over her chest, her eyes on Elle.

"Emily.. Where were you?" Elle stood, and took a step towards her girlfriend, reaching for her, but Emily brushed her off.

And then, Elle realized that Emily didn't need to say anything.

She saw it in the tousled hair, that her girlfriend hadn't even tried to straighten. In the cocky smile on her face, that didn't come close to reaching her eyes. And now, she couldn't take her eyes off of Emily's hands, that were shaking. Itching. In desperate need of something sharp.

"You told me that was over." Elle said, barely a whisper, as she took several steps backwards, away from Emily.

"It was. And then it wasn't anymore." Emily shrugged, still leaning back against the door. "And now, I suppose it is again."

"You suppose?" Elle collapsed on the couch, not strong enough to keep her balance anymore.

"I felt something. Isn't that what you wanted, Baby?" The sickening way she smirked as the words left her mouth made Elle cringe.

"No." Elle shut her eyes tight and shook her head, as if that would wake her up from this...nightmare. That's what this was.

"But, you asked how I knew I loved you."

Apparently not a nightmare.

"I felt!" Emily exclaimed. "That's what you wanted. That's what you said you wanted."

She took a few steps forward and sat on the coffee table, her eyes meeting Elle's for a moment, before flying around the room. Her hands were on her thighs, curling and twisting together, before uncurling and untwisting, only to do it again.

Having traced every one of Emily's scars, numerous times, Elle saw her movements for what they were. An intricate pattern of interwoven hatred and pain that only Emily seemed able to navigate, if not understand.

Elle felt her heart sink as she watched Emily's eyes light on everything she knew could hurt her, knowing it was that search for pain that brought those dark eyes back to her own so often.

"What did you feel?" Elle asked, and she knew, even as Emily opened her mouth to answer it, that while it would be the right question for Emily, it was the wrong question for herself.

"Everything." Emily's eyes lit up as they stayed trained on Elle's for the first time since she'd walked through the door.

"I felt the rush. I felt the rush of being wanted erroneously. I felt her, all over me. I felt every breath she took, every word she said. I felt how much she wanted it. I felt what it took for her to beg me for it. I felt the way she shook when I finally gave her what she wanted."

Emily didn't notice the tears streaming down Elle's cheeks, as intent as she was on explaining what had happened tonight. Perhaps if she had, she would have stopped. Or changed direction. Or perhaps she wouldn't have. Maybe she would have gone further. Given Elle all of the details she wouldn't have been able to bear hearing.

For better or worse, Emily didn't notice Elle's tears, and she continued speaking with the same dark energy as before. Her eyes alight with something out of her own nightmares.

"And when she curled up against me, after, her head on my shoulder, I felt her heartbeat. I felt the arm of the couch, digging into my back. I felt the corners of my mouth turn up into a smile, the one you fell in love with."

Emily reached out shakily to brush Elle's hair back, and Elle tensed, her whole body going rigid.

Emily felt that, too.

"I felt sick. Sick to my stomach. Sick to my soul. Because it wasn't you I was with."

Emily searched Elle's eyes, for a modicum of understanding. She found none.

"I knew, Baby. I know. That I love you."

Elle's breath hitched as Emily leaned closer, her body reacting to the proximity even as her stomach turned to have her girlfriend this close. Emily's lips brushed hers, and Elle stood swiftly, her right hand covering her mouth.

"I can't." She said, hating herself as she watched Emily's hands begin to twist again, her eyes resume their searching.

"I just can't. Not tonight."

She turned her back to Emily and walked up the stairs, wondering if she was shaking as much as the woman she loved. Knowing that those patterns that Emily's hands were weaving would appear on her flesh tonight., but having no idea how to stop it. No idea how to fix it.

Emily stood in the bathroom, seeing the nightmare in her own eyes. She looked down, and saw them on her arms as well. The truth she wouldn't try to hide. She had felt. She still felt. And, maybe she'd lost the only thing that had ever been good for her. But she'd done what she did for the one person who meant something to her in this world. She wouldn't expect you to understand. Not unless you had been there. And she was grateful for the slashes in her skin. They would provide a reprieve from the thoughts of what she'd done to not only Elle, but to JJ as well.

At least for tonight.

A/N: I'm not exactly sure anymore, the direction I'm going to take this one. Letting it sit has changed a lot, about my frame of mind, and what I feel about the characters. I hope it's enjoyable, anyway.