So, it's been entirely too long, hasn't it?

FORGIVE ME PLEASE!

I've just been so… uninspired lately. I think it's the weather. I'm not meant for the cold.

Well, here's an update to keep you all afloat! :)

*random outburst of joy* HARRY POTTER 7 PART 1 COMES OUT THIS MONTH! :D I'll also be 20 on Nov. 5th. I think I've made my peace with leaving teenagerdom. Age is all in your head, anyway.

Love,

Kimba

P.S. For those of you who are crazed Little Monsters like me, Lady Gaga and Sir Elton John made a song together for an upcoming Disney movie called Gnomio and Juliet. The song's called "Hello, Hello" and the movie comes out in February. I think it's going to be the thing that tides me over until HP7 part 2. A Disney take on a Shakespearian classic including a work from Gaga and Sir Elton John? Pinch me, I must be dreaming!

Strawberry Catnip

"In Limbo"

(Ichigo)

"Stop 15. All passengers please exit the system in a calm, safe manner." The automated female voice of the bus announces. There's where I need to get off, but I'm in such a daze I almost miss my chance. The bus driver glares at me for holding him up as I rush past.

"Sorry," I mutter more out of instinct than actual remorse. The world is a blur to me right now. My brain is so intent on driving itself mad that I'm basically on autopilot as I walk the rest of the way home. I'm willing to bet that someone could drive right at me with their car or something and I wouldn't notice until it hit me.

As you've probably guessed, Grimmjow is the main concern on my mind, but along with him comes a few other things: like Orihime, my feelings and dealing with everyone else about this situation.

I've made up my mind that I have to tell Orihime what happened and I've also decided on breaking up with her. I don't know if I'm being a dick for breaking all of this to her at once, but I'm just not happy being with her. Sure, she's nice and sweet, but we are nothing alike and I've realized recently that you can't always sacrifice your feelings for someone else – especially when it's the best decision to just let them go. I think I've known deep down for a while now that Hime probably isn't happy with me either – even if she doesn't realize it yet.

I hug the hoodie that Grimmjow lent me closer as a cool evening wind blows. It's a little past five and dusk is falling. The hoodie is black with an electric blue number six on the back and he said he got it when he played soccer for his high school. It smells exactly like him and I find the scent comforting. He smells like hot chocolate (he made me some before I left) and a certain aroma that only belongs to him. It may sound sappy, but it renews me with energy. I feel like I can handle anything now, no matter how hard it is going to be.

Finally I arrive at my doorstep and walk in. My sisters are sitting at the kitchen table eating dinner, and surprisingly, no attack from my father comes.

"Ichigo, there you are! We were wondering what happened to you!" Yuzu cries out as soon as she sees me.

"Nah, I was hoping he wouldn't come back," Karin says with a smirk.

"Thanks Yuzu, at least one of my sisters cares about me," I reply as I stride over to the table at sit next to Karin.

"Ugh, you smell like a dumpster," Karin says and puts a hand over her nose. "Have you even showered today? And where did you get that jacket?"

"Very funny, Karin, and I got this from… a friend," I return, trying to think of something else to say so that I don't have to get into talking about Grimmjow. "Anyway, where's dad?"

"Oh, he's busy with the clinic and said to go ahead and eat without him," Yuzu answers and gets up to fix me a plate of what she cooked – chicken, rice and mixed vegetables. Even though it looks delicious, I don't really have the stomach to eat anything after last night and today.

"Thanks, but I'm just gonna go take a shower and lay down. I'm exhausted," I say and head toward the stairs.

"Thank God," Karin says and un-cups her nose as I leave.

"But you have to eat something!" Yuzu says in a concerned tone.

"I already did, don't worry," I call from halfway up the stairs.

I climb the rest of the way briskly so that my pace doesn't match my mood and hope my sisters don't think anything is wrong. How would I even go about telling my family that I broke up with my girlfriend for a guy? Would they accept me? Would they like Grimmjow? I know my dad and Yuzu like Orihime (Karin thinks she's a ditz) so I wonder what they would think of Grimmjow's rough-around-the-edges personality. Or would they not even try to get to know him?

A whole list of new worries overcomes me as I gather my pajamas from my bed and head to the shower. I close the bathroom door and turn the water on. The fear of not being accepted by my family eats away at my insides. I wonder how Grimmjow's family reacted or do they even know? I undress and step under the hot water. My muscles relax as the liquid runs down my body, but I can't say the same for my mind.

Another thought occurs to me then. Do I even have to date Grimmjow? I mean, I'm not happy with Orihime so I'm still going to end things with her, but can't I just stay single? These thoughts are shot down so quickly though as the memory of being with, let alone kissing, Grimmjow surfaces. My heart thumps faster and louder as if telling me its opinion on the situation. I know now that I've had a taste of what being with him could be like, I don't think I could ever go back. At the very least I'd ask to get to know each other a little better before we started anything official, and even then… do I really have to tell anyone right away? I could wait until I'm ready to come out to my friends and family.

I start making a mental list of people who I think I could tell and it's not very big.

I immediately write Tatsuki off the list because her best friend is Orihime and I just don't want to have that kind of drama start up right after I break up with Hime. I mean, I trust Tatsuki, but she just can't know right away.

I don't think I could tell Yumichika or Ikkaku either because Yumi has a big mouth and it'd be all over the school if he knew, and while I trust Ikkaku and would relate with him, he would end up telling Yumi I think.

Chad is a definite maybe. I don't think he would tell anyone, but would he understand or accept me?

Keigo and Mizuiro are definitely out of the running right now. Keigo for pretty much the same reason as Yumi, and Mizuiro… I just don't know about him.

The only people I think that could trust to accept me and keep my secret would be Renji, Rukia and Rangiku. None of them would tell a soul unless I said it was okay and I know that they're my true friends because they also trust me with some of their biggest secrets. Even if Rangiku gets super smashed one night, she's really good at keeping in word vomit.

I rinse my hair and body from the shampoo and soap and turn the water off. I grab my towel from the towel rack on the wall and start drying myself off. With at least a few things figured out, I calm down a bit. I know that this is going to be hard, but it's just the way I am. I guess I was born this way. If my friends can't accept me, then are they really my friends?

Once my pajamas are on, I gather up my dirty clothes and Grimmjow's hoodie and head back to my room. I shut the door and throw my clothes on the floor, but put the hoodie on the desk next to my laptop. Looking at the two items reminds me of how this all started. It's funny all the random ways you can meet people, and it's even funnier when that person becomes an essential part of your life. I lay on my bed and chuckle to myself. Who would have thought that this would all start from a sex shop website on the internet and a silly debate about gay marriage? Speaking of my debate, I make a mental note to finish it tomorrow and before I know it, I drift off into sleep with my last thoughts being of Grimmjow and the kiss he gave me "to think about".

I'm floating high above what I recognize to be Karakura town at night. The crescent moon illuminates the city along with all its lights. I feel alive and full of adrenaline. I look down at myself and see that I'm wearing a long black overcoat which is torn and frayed at the end and billowing in the wind. In my right hand is a sword, the color of obsidian. Its edges glint with deadly sharpness and its hilt is a rectangular spiral of some sort.

I stare determinedly ahead at the horizon and suddenly a huge, dark rift appears seeming to rip open the sky. From out of it emerges a single figure and the hole sews itself up like nothing even happened. I grip my blade tighter and prepare for a confrontation. The figure is my opponent. The figure is… Grimmjow? He's wearing all white and also has a sword which he draws. He stares deceitfully down at me and my heart seems to fracture. Why are we doing this?

Grimmjow then charges at me and I steel my nerves and guard my heart. I'll do my best to get him to stop this madness, I decide. We aren't enemies.

Before he reaches me, though, the scene changes and suddenly I'm on the ground in the street I was once above. My head is bleeding and I think a few of my ribs are broken, but I can ignore any pain I have. Grimmjow is lying before me, a huge gash on his chest, just like the scar he bears.

I rush over to him, throwing my sword aside and start to assess his wound. Did I do this? He looks at me with a hungry glint in his raging blue eyes. His chest is bleeding profusely and I start to take my cloak off to try to stem the flow, but before I can put it over him, he grabs my wrists and sits up which causes the gash to gush out more blood. Despite all this, though, I notice that cut is closing up rapidly. I stare at it in disbelief, unable to register this as good or bad.

Then Grimmjow commands my attention by taking my cloak and tossing it away. He pushes me down on my back, into his pool of blood, and hovers over me while holding my arms down. I struggle feebly against him – half because he's strong and half because I don't sense any real danger.

Warm blood from Grimmjow's wound pours onto my bare chest and stomach because it still hasn't fully closed. I find it strangely erotic, rather than disgusting or uncomfortable. I study Grimmjow as he moves his face closer to my own.

"You're mine," He growls and leans in to kiss me. At this point I'm all for it and eagerly return this display of affection. It starts of gently but soon becomes frenzied and our breathing grows heavier. Grimmjow moves his mouth down my cheek and to my neck, kissing and biting along the way. My heart is racing and my groin feels like it's on fire. Grimmjow is still holding my wrists though – if only I could touch him.

As if he was reading my mind, he releases me and moves down my collar bone and to my now bloodied abdomen. Grimmjow's gash has closed up, leaving the familiar gleaming scar. He pauses a moment to lick and suck on my nipples, spreading his blood around and getting it on his mouth. I let out a groan of pleasure and Grimmjow smiles and puts his hand at the top of my black pants. He pulls them down slightly and kisses my inner hip on the extremely sensitive skin there. Chills run up and down my spine and I grab Grimmjow's hair and run my fingers through it. My breathing comes in shallow gasps and my dick feels like it's about to burst. I need release. I need it now.

Grimmjow answers my call and plunges his hand beneath the fabric and finds my hard cock.

"Ahh…" A moan escapes me and my back arches in pleasure. Grimmjow shifts his body so that he is back at eye-level but his hand continues to move up and down my shaft. I grab his face and start to bite his lips and moan into his mouth. He returns my actions with similar enthusiasm. I taste the coppery blood on his lips and that added level of kinkiness mixed with his hand on my dick sends me over the edge.

And that's when I wake up with my dad's ugly, unshaven mug in my face.

"AHH!" I yell and throw my arms up. "WHAT ARE YOU DOING?"

"Breakfast," He grumbles and then slowly leaves, rubbing his eyes. He looks exhausted. I guess the clinic was really busy last night. My door shuts and I take a deep breath. That's when I notice this uncomfortably sticky substance in my boxers. I know exactly what this is.

"Really, Ichigo? What are we, fourteen?" I mutter to myself as I awkwardly walk to the bathroom, with a clean pair of underwear, careful to check for my family so I don't run into any of them. I don't remember the last time I had a wet dream. Maybe I was fifteen? I don't even know. All I know is that the dream I just had was the most erotic and sexy thing ever. I don't blame myself for cumming, but it's just a pain in the ass afterward. I shut the door of the bathroom and use copious amounts of toilet paper to clean myself off. After breakfast I'll probably take a shower again. I don't want to make everyone wait on me right now, though.

So I'm as clean as I can be and I put on my fresh underwear and pajama pants. I threw my soiled boxers into my room as I pass by and then make my way to the kitchen. My father has his face down on the table, snoring loudly. Karin is ignoring him and eating her eggs and bacon, and Yuzu is prodding him with a fork, trying to wake him up.

"Just leave him alone," Karin says. "He'll wake up and go to bed sooner or later." Yuzu stops poking him, but still looks worried. I make a plate of food and sit next to Karin.

I eat quietly, still reflecting on the weekend. I feel unsure about what I'm doing, but at the same time, I know I have to do it. It's such a strange feeling because I usually have a purpose in what I do, but now I'm undecided about what that purpose is. I feel like my world has been turned upside down.

"Are you okay, Ichigo? You look sick," Yuzu says and reaches across the table to feel my forehead.

"I'm fine," I say with a forced smile and finish my food. I didn't get much to eat; I'm not really that hungry. "This was really good, Yuzu." I clear my plate and go back upstairs. I feel both my sisters' stares on my back. I guess I'm not doing a good job of acting "fine".

I'm back in my room now and I check my phone for any messages. Maybe Grimmjow said something? There is nothing. I pace around my room, trying to think of something – anything- to do. I did have homework, but that could wait. I settle on my bed, trying to relax. Slowly, I fall into a fitful sleep. I have no more dreams, or at least none that I can recall, and awake to a sky of gold, magenta and lavender. I guess I was out for a while. I look at my phone and I have one new text and for once I'm disappointed at whom it is. Orihime.

'Ichigo! I'm so sorry about this weekend! I totally forgot to tell you I was going away! You know me! Lol! So do you wanna eat with me and Tatsuki tonight?'

I know that if I put this confrontation off now, I might never do it. So I decide to ask Orihime to meet me somewhere – alone.

'I can't tonight but I wanted to talk to you alone for a bit. Can we meet at the park by your house?'

A minute passes before I receive a response.

'Alone? Well ok. Tatsuki won't be here for a little while. When are you leaving?'

I hesitate for a second but a mysterious force inside me works up the nerve to answer.

'Now.'

With renewed determination, I throw Grimmjow's hoodie on again, not bothering to change out of my pajamas, and put my shoes on. I hurry downstairs and out the door without a glance back.

I'd been sitting in the playground, on a swing, for nearly half an hour before Orihime appeared. I don't think she figured exactly how fast I would arrive, even though I said was coming now. She is wearing a vibrant pink dress with violet stockings and tennis shoes. Her taste buds were only rivaled in weirdness by her fashion sense.

"I didn't know you were waiting!" She exclaims and skips the last couple steps to close the gap between us. She pulls me into a warm hug, which I return halfheartedly. "Why didn't you tell me you were here?"

"I just wanted more time to… think," I say, looking up at her. The setting sun illuminated the playground with its red-orange rays, making Orihime glow. She looked a little like an angel, and yet it was not enough. I just couldn't love her like she loved me. She is one of my best friends, but that is it. I curse myself for having let it grow into something more when it never was.

"Er, so what did you want to talk about?" She asks, apprehensive now.

"Sit down," I say and gesture toward a swing next to mine. She does so and observes me for a second, expectantly. Why was I hesitating?

"Sooo…" She laughs a little, trying to lift the mood. I take a deep breath to calm my nerves. It was now or never.

"Hime, when you went with Tatsuki to—"

"I'm SO sorry! I didn't mean to forget! I was just so excited!" She interrupts me, but I can tell she is sincere. I didn't really suspect she was lying anyway. That's not really like her.

"I know, but that's not what I'm upset about," I say, staring at the wood chips beneath my shoes.

"Oh," She replies, and falls silent. I go on.

"But I'm not upset at you either," I quickly add, noting her crestfallen expression. "I'm more… angry with myself."

"What do you mean?" She asks, confused. My next words come out in a vomit.

"Look Hime, I should've never let our relationship turn into anything more than friendship. It was selfish of me to not tell you from the beginning that I didn't love you like that. And when I was at Rangiku's party, I… I kissed… someone, and… I like them a lot."

Orihime's reaction nearly breaks my heart in two, no, a thousand pieces. She is at a loss for words. I hadn't anticipated her taking this easily but no amount of mental preparation could, well, truly prepare me for this.

And to make things worse, she starts to cry.

"Y-y-you're…b-breaking up with me?" She manages to sputter between sobs.

"I'm sorry, Hime… I just can't do this anymore. I love you, but not like that," I want to take this all back, but the only thing stopping me, the only thing keeping my heart together, is the thought of Grimmjow. His smile, his scent, his embrace, and his laughter.

"And you're l-leaving m-me for s-some other girl?" Orihime continues, her voice rising. Do I dare tell her the truth? I don't think I have much of a choice. I think it will come out soon enough anyway. The mental list of people to tell and in which order I made earlier dissipates. I realize that it's all going to come out sooner or later. There's really no fucking point in hiding it.

"Boy," I say lamely and look up at the evening sky, hoping she would get it. What she said was essentially true, I am leaving her for someone else… it just wasn't a girl. I don't want to seem cold… but I also don't want to be soft. It would be harder that way.

"What?" All she can do is stare at me like I'm making no sense, but her face then changes as the pieces fall in place. She looks almost mortified now. "You're leaving me for a boy?" Her tears have now almost completely stopped.

"I… I… well, yes," I say dumbly, afraid of what she might do next.

And almost as quickly as they went away, the tears return. Instead of asking questions, though, Orihime flings herself from the swing set and runs sobbing down the street to her house.

I want to follow her and make things better, but what can I do? Even though I hate seeing others in pain, there was no escaping the fact that I am the source of her heartache. I would only make things worse if I tried knocking on her door. She probably can't even look at me. I probably disgust her. Besides, Tatsuki will be here soon, apparently. I don't want to have to deal with her, too.

So I sit on my swing as the sun finally descends behind the trees of the neighborhood. There is no more light. No more Orihime. I was afraid of the consequences of my actions, but now I sit in clarity, accepting the fact that fate will take its own course now. If I had never taken this risk, I would be left always wondering what could have been.

Yet, I still feel utterly alone, with my head hung low. Only Grimmjow's hoodie reminds me that perhaps not everything is lost.