Title: Letters to Those Who Matter Most (1/?)

Author: Lawson227

Rating: FRT

Characters: Aaron Hotchner/Hotch

Genre: Friendship

Spoilers: Ultimately, through "Our Darkest Hour" (5.23)

Summary: A series of letters in which Hotch reflects on various experiences in his past and how they relate to the people who matter most to him.

Everything characterwise contained herein belongs to CBS & the creative team behind Criminal Minds. No infringement is intended, etc., etc., I got nuthin'

Letter #1- I Understand

To use the same words is not a sufficient guarantee of understanding; one must use the same words for the same genus of inward experience; ultimately one must have one's experiences in common.

~Friedrich Nietzsche

Dear Elle,

I wouldn't change a thing either. I will admit, I honestly didn't understand when you first uttered those words to me, all those years ago—a lifetime, really. In my arrogance, I thought you were wrong—reacting on nothing but pure emotion, when it's emotion we have to set aside in order to do our job to the best of our ability, but I'm the one who was wrong. And I understand those words all too well now.

In a coincidence I wouldn't wish on anyone, but which perhaps, I deserved, I understand now how vulnerable being attacked in your home left you. How inescapably angry that someone so… evil rendered you utterly helpless in the one place that should have been your sanctuary—your place away from the darkness we faced every day. How they made a mockery of it. I'll be honest, when Foyet was so carefully placing each of his blows with that knife, keeping me alive, but on the brink, I had two thoughts—one, was to keep Haley and Jack safe and the other was planning how, if given the opportunity, I would kill the son of a bitch. There was no question about it—no thought of the law or proper procedure or in waiting for justice, as we're supposed to uphold it, to exert due process. All I could think was that I had to keep my family safe and I had to kill George Foyet. Put an end to this madness.

I failed.

I didn't keep my family safe—at least, not in the way I would have wished. And because I failed, Jack now has to grow up without a mother. The little comfort I can draw is knowing he'll grow up aware of how very much she loved him and that Foyet no longer exists to wreak havoc on the world even as he continues to wreak havoc on my psyche.

I understand now, why you walked away. Why those phone calls that used to set your blood pumping came to fill you with dread. They do the same to me now, but accompanying the dread is a renewed sense of resolve—if I don't continue fighting this fight, then Foyet and Lee and Garner will have won. Because there's always another Foyet,—and another Lee, another Randall Garner waiting to replace those we've vanquished.

It's what continues to drive me and brings me back, day after day, even as I question, why?

I understand now that you had to walk in order to save yourself. But I want you to understand this, Elle—I fight now, not just for Jack and Haley's memory and the team and every victim, both those lost and those saved, but I fight for you.

Perhaps it's too little, too late, and perhaps you don't even need or want to hear this, but Elle, I need you to know—I will always have your back.

Whatever you're doing with your life, I hope it has brought you that elusive peace and some much-deserved happiness.

Yours,

Aaron