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Epilogue

Some people had the luxury of never knowing "what if." Captain James T. Kirk was not one of those people.

Spock's other self had melded with Kirk right after the fall of Vulcan while emotionally compromised. He botched the meld. Kirk picked up all the elder Spock's memories of the other Kirk - not just the memories of time they spent together, but memories from melds between the two. Everything the other Kirk remembered, Jim remembered, too. The memories tangled so intimately with Jim's own that for a while, Jim had trouble sorting out which were his, and which were that other Captain Kirk's. It took several sessions with a Vulcan healer to sort himself out. He now could differentiate between his other life, but he didn't forget.

Leaning against the counter in the small kitchen just off the Enterprise's main reception hall, he drained a glass of Scotty's finest. Through the doors he could hear the party the crew was having in the other room, a small celebration for Scotty and the engineering team. They'd put together a small model sized space ship that propelled itself with the energy from cosmic rays. They'd published their results in scholarly journals - but what Scotty was proudest of was being in the most recent issue of "Popular Mechanics." He'd provided the mag with all the specs to enable home enthusiasts to build their own toy ship.

"Every budding little engineer like that Nowak lad is going to want to try this at home!" Scotty had exclaimed happily just minutes ago. And Jim had gone into the kitchenette with a bottle of Scotty's homemade brew - ostensibly to get a glass.

He poured another shot into said glass.

In another life...

His other self had met Magda that same night, at that same bar, quickly discerned how little challenge she presented and moved on.

Of course…in another life he'd also managed to go through life without a real connection to another son until it was too late.

The door of the kitchenette whooshed open. The blue shirted figure silhouetted there froze. "Captain."

It was Spock. The small room was flooded with music.

Kirk met his XO's eyes and looked down. The door whooshed closed behind the half Vulcan, and there was relative silence again. For a moment Spock did not move, and then he went to a cabinet, retrieved a glass, and filled it with water from the purified hydration dispenser.

Draining his glass, Kirk said, "I really fucked up, didn't I?" It had been three days since Jimmie Nowak, his kid...had come aboard.

Turning, Spock said, "You could be referring to any one of a number of incidents. Please specify."

Half Vulcans really knew how to cheer a guy up. Jim sighed and poured himself another glass. "With Jimmie and Keval...and you...you probably thought about killing me for making you do that meld."

Spock tilted his head without responding. Which was the same as yes.

"Gotcha," said Jim, feeling a bizarre bit of triumph at being able to read his XO so well. The feeling quickly faded. "I found my kid and then I lost him. I'm sure he and Keval both would both like me dead as well...I remember foster care..." He swallowed and stared at his boots. And at least he'd had his older brother to stick up for him.

"I cannot speak for the boy," Spock said. "My ability to apply human psychology to real-world situations is limited."

Despite himself, Kirk snorted.

"However," Spock said - and Kirk could swear he could hear the raised eyebrow of annoyance in his XO's voice, "Dr. Keval did not entertain thoughts of instigating your demise."

Jim looked up. One of Spock's eyebrows was indeed raised. "He comprehended the reason for your irrationality," Spock added. "Quite fascinating, really. Empathy is not a Vulcan strength."

Keval understood? "It doesn't matter," said Jim pouring himself another glass. "I fucked up everything with my son."

"Perhaps he will understand when he is older," said Spock.

Jim scowled at the half Vulcan. That was almost compassionate.

"But how do I..." Jim drained the glass, grimaced at the burn and made a vague motion with his hand.

Spock tilted his head. "You are the one who does not believe in no-win scenarios."

x x x x

It was not the face Jim wanted to see. Keval blinked at Jim on the other end of the subspace line.

"Is Magda there?" asked Jim.

"No," said the Vulcan, "she is at work."

Jim bit his bottom lip. "Do you need money or anything? I know I haven't -"

"We do not require money," said Keval. "She works for the social aspect of the job."

Keval's face was utterly blank; he was so much more Vulcan than Spock. The cheerful but not terribly bright girl Kirk remembered would need a social outlet if she were bonded to Keval. Of all the people to bond with a Vulcan from the VSA...

They stared at each other. "Look, I'm sorry," Jim said at last. He closed his eyes, "I've been in foster care, I've been in the system...when I saw the bruises..."

Jim licked his lips. Keval said nothing. If he felt any compassion for Jim's circumstances his face betrayed no sign.

"Does he ever ask about me...I mean his real..." Jim grimaced, not wanting to step on a Vulcan's protective, territorial toes.

"I mean...biological father?" Jim asked.

The Vulcan straightened infinitesimally. "Not in over five years," said Keval.

"I'm not going to ask for visitation rights," said Jim, although he knew there was a high likelihood that with his profile he'd be able to get that luxury. "It would be too rough on Jimmie...after what I did."

"I concur with your assessment," said Keval very quickly. It may have been Jim's imagination, but he seemed to relax, just a fraction.

"But I'd like to know...how he's doing from time to time," said Jim. "If that is not unreasonable."

Keval's jaw tightened ever so slightly. Jim knew he'd gotten him with that argument - Vulcan's would go to great lengths to avoid being "unreasonable." In at least that way, he was lucky a Vulcan was his child's stepfather.

Keval tilted his head. "I can send you school report cards."

"And pictures," said Jim, not sure if he was pushing his luck.

Keval stared, undoubtedly contemplating whether increased cooperation would keep Jim from doing anything rash. "Very well," the Vulcan said.

"Thank you," said Jim. "And if he ever does ask, about his...biological father...and you tell him, would you please tell him why I did what I did..."

"Yes, of course," said Keval so quickly it took Jim by surprise. Perhaps there was compassion there after all.

Jim swallowed. "He's lucky to have you," he said.

"Thank you," said Keval.

"And Magda too," Jim added hastily.

The Vulcan said nothing and the silence hung in the air.

"I look forward to our…correspondence," said Jim, not doubting a Vulcan would follow through.

It was less than the contact he'd had with a son in another life...

But this wasn't that other life. And maybe, just maybe, if he didn't screw this one up, it could be better.

He'd know where this son was and how he was doing. When Jimmie got older…maybe they'd talk. It wasn't precisely a winning scenario, but it was hope.

A/N:

Okay, not precisely a happy ending, but I think Jim did the right thing, and there is hope if he doesn't mess it up.

Thanks to everyone who read this story and left reviews. Not sure where my muse is going next. I did have a oneshot for Keval and Jimmie planned at sometime, apparently I wasn't the only person who missed them.

I know so many of you probably wanted a Spock/Uhura kid!fic. I WAS going to write one, but then my husband convinced me to write an original story instead. It's called "Murphy's Star", it's on sale on Amazon for 99 cents/US, 79 p/UK and 0,86 Euro/DE. Links are in my faves. Every sale helps my husband nag me a little less about my fanfiction habit, and it helps me buy shoes for my kids (not hopin' for a 'Shades of Gray' scenario here, if only I wrote porn!)