A/N: This fic is for (and was half written by!) McBreezy. Check her out, she's awesome.

Summary: James and Juliet find each other on the beach, much to Goodwin's dismay. Slightly ooc parody fluff.
(No offense intended toward the actor that portrayed Goodwin, I'm sure he's a wonderful man. :) I just feel the need to write fics about all the bad men in Juliet's life being vanquished, heh.)

Inspiration: Sawyer's hot, Juliet's gorgeous, Goodwin is a total douche, Gina and I are crazy.

Rated T, for language in the author's note. Oh and also mildly suggestive themes in the story.

The Last Picnic

Ah. James thought as he jogged along the beach. This is the life. Sure, I got no plumbing, no TV, and no way of contacting the outside world, but the island gives me all I really need - fresh fruit, fresh meat, sun and sand. I have everything! Everything...except companionship. I sure would like a woman to share all this beauty with. And also, the sex...

James pondered his only want as his bare feet drove into the sand. This daily exercise helped his frustration, but only just so much. It had been a year already! A year since he'd abandoned the Losties' camp to live life on his own. He'd spent most of that year exploring the island on his own, avoiding the whining and fretting of the Losties and finding peace within himself. Basically, he was ready to settle down, but who would he ever find for that, here, now?

Ugh. Juliet thought as she sat down on a dirty old blanket. Another picnic with Goodwin. Though I can hardly call it a picnic, it's more like two crappy sandwiches that were thrown together while Harpie - I mean, Harper - wasn't looking. I don't even know if I love him. I'm only with him because I don't want to be around Ben. These afternoon escapes just aren't doing it for me anymore. I need a real man, dammit!

Juliet tried to force a smile as Goodwin opened up the beat up lunch pail he'd brought with him.

"Guess what I brought today." he said with what he thought was a sexy smile.

Juliet chuckled through clenched teeth. "Chicken salad?" she ventured, already cringing inside.

"Damn. Right again." Goodwin said, impressed for some unknown reason.

"I must be psychic." Juliet said wryly, though her sarcasm was lost on him. Next time, she thought. I'll just say I'm too tired...

Thank goodness she'd waited until now to make that decision. If she'd said no to today's little date, she would have missed the arrival of James on what Goodwin considered their own private beach. James rounded a tall rock formation, and almost faltered in his step when he saw them across the way. It was a couple, on a blanket, sharing a meal, but James only saw half of that couple. His eyes were drawn to the long blonde hair, her pale skin, the bikini top, the long legs that covered the blanket in her smooth feminine form.

The motion next to the rocks caught Juliet's already wandering eye. She'd been staring out at the water, wondering if she'd ever find the right guy to spend her time with, when a toned and tanned body, clad only in a pair of cargo shorts, made its way around the rock wall. Was this an angel, sent down from the heavens to save her? No - she could tell from how low slung those shorts were that he had nothing on underneath - he was a god.

Their eyes met at the exact same time, their mouths coming open at the feeling of love at first sight.

"Unhh..." Juliet moaned, an uncensored reaction to seeing James jogging toward them. It was lust at first sight, at the very least. Goodwin looked up from what could only be loosely described as a meal, thinking it was in reaction to the sandwich he'd made for her.

"Good, huh? That is my name, after all." Goodwin chuckled, but he finally noticed Juliet was staring down the beach.

James had his blue eyes locked on hers, and he tried to catch his breath as he got closer and realized how beautiful she really was. If he hadn't already been slightly winded from his jog, he would have had the air knocked out of him anyway. There was no choice to be made, he had to stop and talk to her.

Goodwin pouted like a child as James slowed to a walk and approached their blanket. This strange man had a smile on his face, dimples in his cheeks, and abs that made Goodwin want to cry. It was the image Goodwin wished he could see when he looked in the mirror.

"Hey." James said, all friendly and dorky like. Finding Juliet on the beach made him feel like a prince in a Disney cartoon, and the feeling was mutual.

"Hi." Juliet said, barely able to keep from giggling afterward. Goodwin looked to her, expecting her to suddenly remember that she was on a picnic with him, and to send this loser on his way, but of course that didn't happen.

"I hope this doesn't come across as rude, but...who are you?" James asked Juliet, ignoring Goodwin entirely.

"That was rude." said Goodwin before Juliet could answer in what would have surely been a cute and clever way. "And who the hell are you?"

"You can call me James." he said, only to Juliet. He turned to Goodwin very briefly, his smile disappearing. "You can call me Sawyer." His expression lightened once more as he turned back to Juliet.

"Where did you come from?" she asked, as if he were going to admit to being the true messiah.

"A plane I was on crashed here a few years ago. I live in the caves on the other side of the island. I never knew there were other people on the island 'til now. Did you sail here?"

"Not exactly." Juliet said, chuckling at the suggestion and smiling as if she had a long story to tell. James smiled back. Whatever the story was, he knew he wouldn't mind listening to it, and for the rest of his life.

Goodwin cleared his throat, an embarrassingly loud sound that sort of annoyed the two lovebirds he was sitting between. "Gee," he said sarcastically. "Should I give you two a minute alone?"

"I was thinking more like an hour or two." James said, his eyes still on Juliet.

"Or five." Juliet added, her gaze still set on James.

"Bwuh..." Goodwin sputtered. "I was...sarcasm..."

Juliet took a moment to put her feet underneath her and stand up. James got the full effect of her bikini and the sheer wrap around her waist, and he had to swallow to keep from drooling.

"I've got a house, about a quarter mile from here." said Juliet.

"That sounds much more comfortable than a cot made of backpacks." said James.

"We could...go there...now...?" Juliet said haltingly, pointing a thumb in the right direction.

"Now, now is good." said James, nodding his approval nonchalantly, even though all he wanted to do was what Juliet was about to let him.

"Juliet!" Goodwin all but shouted, half desperate, half indignant. "I thought you loved me!"

"Goodwin," Juliet said regretfully, throwing a glance at the food. She sighed, placing a hand on James' arm and giving Goodwin a pitying look. "Your sandwiches suck."

"Juliet, huh?" James said, smiling at the sound of his future wife's name. Juliet turned and smiled, her eyes trailing down to the bicep she was now gently squeezing.

"Mm..." she murmured quietly.

"Yeah," said James. "Now is, uh...now is good."

"I disagree." Goodwin said threateningly, standing up and taking a step toward James.

"Do you now?" James said, his sarcasm brought out by Goodwin's attitude and delusion. "I didn't realize I had to make an appointment with you to make time with my girl!"

"She's not your girl! You only met her a minute ago!"

"Sometimes..." James said dramatically, turning to Juliet and taking her hand in his. "That's all it takes."

Goodwin looked to Juliet, expecting her to realize what a clown James was and reject him, but she was smiling back at him like he'd just recited poetry.

"I think I'm going to be sick..." said Goodwin.

"Let me guess - the chicken salad?" Juliet said, saccharine sweet.

"Do yourself a favor and die, wouldja?" James added with pity before they started to walk away. The last they ever heard of Goodwin was when he fell to his knees and cried WHY? to the heavens. He never made it back to Dharmaville, unable to face his wife and his mistress and his mistress' new lover. Juliet made it back to Dharmaville, however, with James in tow.

"Any other douchey ex-boyfriends I gotta worry about?" James asked her on the way.

"Well there's this one guy named Ben, but I'm pretty sure he won't be a problem if you look at him the way you just looked at Goodwin."

James stopped for a moment to show her a scowl.

"Yeah, that one!" said Juliet. "That's perfect."

James smiled in response, and they continued hand in hand to find a new home.

Theeee End. :)