Look At Me

Part 1

by

Trycee

This is from Season 7, episode" En Ami",** Alternative Universe** when Scully goes with CGB Spender looking for the cure for cancer. This is rated NC-17-Angst story from Scully's point of view. **THIS IS AN ANGRY AGGRESSIVE MULDER ANGST STORY SO BE PREPARED**

OMG, Mulder why won't you look at me? What's happening? Why won't you say anything to me?

I came racing to your door. The Gunmen were quiet which was unusual as if they too could feel the tension between us. I need you but you just turned away from me leaving me feeling rejected.

Do you know what I went through, Mulder? The fear that I had going with that Cigarette Smoking Son-of-a-Bitch afraid I'd never see you again. Afraid he'd kill me and you'd never know. Never know what happened to me. I was such a fool. I needed to get back to you, to get back to what I thought would be your loving arms. But instead you stand there in the doorway, refusing to look at me and the tears are threatening to trace lines down my face but I can't cry in front of them. I can't show them how vulnerable I am. I've only shown that side to you.

Look at me Mulder! I sent you tapes, I mailed them to you. The fear, Mulder, that I had. I was so afraid and they shot at me too, almost killing me. I needed for you to know what happened, I needed for you to know what happened to the man they shot next to me in the boat, who knew my name. How did he know my name? I needed to explain why CGB took me on this trip, showing me the things he showed me, not allowing me to call you. I was so afraid and I hoped you'd understand the risks I took and why. I wanted to explain.

I wanted to show you that CGB's words about me not allowing you to love me had resonated with me. I wanted to prove him wrong but mostly I wanted to show you what you mean to me, To love you freely without fear. It was time. I wanted you to know I was finally ready to show you that I loved you. I called letting you know I was alive, as I raced straight here but you are being so cold to me. These tears are on the verge of falling. They better not fall...

"There's nothing on this," Frohicke said turning to me as he, Byers and Langley sat at your table, uploading the disk.

"It's empty," Langley says.

"Completely," Byers agrees.

"No," I said rising from your couch and walking up to the computer screen. "It can't be. It can't be...it's got to be on there."

They said nothing and then I turned slowly to face you. I was afraid of what I'd see in your eyes and when you looked at me I saw it. You were beyond angry with me. It was as if I were looking into the eyes of a stranger. I needed you, Mulder, to hold me and tell me I survived. I needed you to tell me you missed me but you looked at me with pure anger and disgust. I was stunned.

The Gunmen could feel the tension between us and they avoiding my gaze as they packed up their stuff and left you and I alone. You still avoided my gaze, turning your back to me. In a small voice I said, "He had offices. I can take you there."

You looked at me then and I could see the rage in your eyes. You brushed past me and grabbed your jacket and keys and for a moment I thought you were going to walk out on me but you held the door for me and said, "Come on."

The ride there you wouldn't look at me. I watched you out of the corner of my eye and I could tell that you were simmering and would explode and I would have to deal with the fallout. We arrived at the brick building and you still said nothing to me. You followed behind me as we walked through the deserted building without furniture or anything. I was shocked. I had just been there and I knew this would be another weapon in your arsenal. I searched the office and said, "He was here! These were his offices. What the hell is this?"

Bitterly, you finally spoke to me. "He used you."

"Mulder, he laid it all out for me. I recorded it. I mailed you the tape." You nod at me. "This old woman, Marjorie Butters, I met her. I saw her pictures, her birth certificate."

"You saw what you needed to see in order to make you believe."

"Well, then what about this boy? This boy with cancer? You can't deny that. That's undeniable proof."

You looked at me as if I were the stupidest person in the entire world and I wanted to cry.

"Even if we could convince his parents to let us march him out how long before that chip in his neck mysteriously disappears? This was the perfectly executed con, Scully. The only thing I can't figure out is why you're still alive."

I'm hoping you'll understand me. "Mulder, I looked into his eyes. I swear what he told me was true."

"He did it all for himself- to get the science on that disk. His sincerity was a mask, Scully. The man's motives never changed."

"You think he used me to save himself- at the expense of the human race."

"No, he knows what that science is worth, how powerful it is. He'd let nothing stand in his way."

"You may be right. But for a moment, I saw something else in him. A longing for something more than power. Maybe for something he could never have."

You looked at me and I was hoping for understanding but instead you walked off, leaving me where I stood. You bound down the steps and I followed behind you, as I always did. You drove me home and I could see you were still seething. You slam your fist against the steering wheel and I jump. I look at you but you keep your eyes ahead of you. Tears stream down my cheeks and I quickly wipe them away. I want us back, Mulder. I need you back but you're too angry at me right now. I've never seen you so angry at me. I don't know how to handle it. I don't know how to handle YOU.

You follow me to my door and the moment I walk in you slam the door closed. My head is held low and I know you're about to explode taking your rage out on me. And I'll take it, considering it penance for my betrayal. It doesn't matter that you've done the same thing to me many times, the moment you refused to look at me, I knew...I knew that our partnership had always been stacked in your favor. You created the rules and your rules were 'Do as I say, not as I do', and I will gladly accept it if you would talk to me, hold me. But, I know that isn't the case but I turn to see your face and I know that all the pain and fear you've felt is about to erupt.

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