Wedding Jitters by Mandarax

Rating – T

Summary – Completely A/U. Not even close to canon. Sam's wedding day doesn't exactly go as planned.

Author's note – I don't usually do non canon stories but this just wrote itself. Really, really angsty and not my usual stuff.

Breathe in.

Breathe out.

Breathe in.

Breathe out.

"Sam? Are you okay?"

She opened her eyes and looked at her friend, "Yeah. Just… Nervous."

Cassandra smiled at her aunt, 'You'll be okay." She puffed Sam's dress. "You still have a few minutes; I'll come get you when they're ready."

Sam smiled nervously, "thanks Cassie."

Cassandra nodded a smiled and left the room.

Sam paced the small bride's room in the small church at which her wedding was taking place. Nervous didn't really begin to cover how she was feeling. Nervous was just the tip of the iceberg. She wondered briefly if every woman shook the way she did before her own wedding.

She stopped in the middle of the room, grabbing the back of a chair, her knuckles turning white.

She was sure every woman felt nervous before her wedding. She was also sure that not every woman felt bile rise up in her throat at the thought of whom she was marrying. She was also pretty certain that not every woman felt the need to run away. She turned and opened a window. Fresh air to clear her mind. She huffed, what a good view for the blushing bride, the parking lot.

The parking lot…

"Sam?" Cassie knocked on the door, "are you ready? They want to get started."

She knocked again but there was no answer, not even a grunt of acknowledgment. When there was no response a third time, Cassie opened the door wide open and looked around from one side of the room to the other. Letting out a small whimper escape her lips, Cassie quickly shut the door and walked as fast as she could on five inch spike heels to where Daniel waited to escort Sam down the aisle.

Climbing down the stairs, a fake smile plastered on her lips so that she doesn't alarm anyone, she stopped next to Daniel. "We have a problem."

"Where is she?" Daniel whispered back.

"That's the problem."

"Oh. Ohhhhhh. Shit." The smile never left his face.

Cassie nodded, shit indeed.

Daniel's first instinct was to assume the worst – kidnap, torture, death. His second instinct was to calm himself down; they were on Earth, not some random alien planet.

"Did she leave a note or anything?"

Cassie shook her head.

"Did you check the bathroom?"

"There wasn't going to be a bathroom break in that dress, Daniel. Not until after the ceremony. Why do you think she hasn't drunk anything in three hours?" She smiled and waved at Mark Carter and his family.

"Maybe she's retouching her makeup," said the archeologist with too much knowledge of women's cosmetics.

"She wasn't in the bathroom, Daniel. She wasn't there. She isn't here."

"Shit. Okay. We need to find her. Go sweep over the rest of the church, maybe she went for a walk. Not that I know why she'd want to do it right now but –"

"Got it," Cassie said and climbed back up slowly.

Daniel caught Teal'c's eye and waved him over. He filled the large Jaffa in on the situation, explained that this was not something to repeat, and sent him to look in the other direction. When he turned, he nearly bumped noses with the bride's big brother.

"What's going on?"

"I don't want to alarm you or anything, but Sam's not here."

"Cold feet?" her brother asked.

"Freezing," Daniel admitted, "But we had it under control."

"Apparently not, Dr. Jackson."

Daniel swallowed but didn't say a word.

"We need to tell him what's going on," Mark said then. "It's not fair to him."

Daniel thought about it for a moment, "yeah alright," and it was obvious he meant Mark should go break the news to the groom.

Mark nodded curtly and headed Pete's way.

Across the church aisle Pete Shanahan's eyes found Daniel's as he listened to what his missing future wife's brother was telling him. With a nod and a smile to the minister and the wedding party he walked up the aisle and climbed up the stairs. He stopped a step short of Daniel.

"Who is it? NID? Asgard? Ba'al?"

Daniel looked down at him, unsure how to answer.

He was saved by the clicking of heels on the floor. Cassandra came to a halt next to Daniel. "Her car's gone."

Daniel cursed softly. Where could she have gone?

She knocked on the wooden door twice.

She could hear him from inside, his yelling getting closer to the door, "Daniel, I told you, I'm not going to the damn wedding!" and the door opened. "Carter?"

She snorted and pushed past him.

He closed the door behind her and followed her to the living room, where she was pacing. Weird as the situation was, he had to admit she looked beautiful. Her simple white dress with the embroidery that was the shoulder straps, the light make up, the heels she must be wearing beneath the dress because she was taller. Still, beautiful as she was, it wasn't exactly her.

Which reminded him that she was getting married today and he wasn't going to the wedding.

"Shouldn't you be half way through your vows by now?"

"I had to leave. I couldn't stay there," she said, still pacing the room, not looking at him. "You're the only one I know who isn't at that damn church."

He huffed.

Then she stopped in the middle of the room and crossed her arms in front of her. A very Carter gesture, he decided, though it didn't quite work with the white dress.

"I was sitting there in that bride room with all these people outside waiting for me to come out, and I was thinking." She finally met his gaze. "He wants me to change my name. He wants me to be a Shanahan. Samantha Shanahan. That's not a scientist-Air Force Colonel name. It's a name out of Desperate Housewives," she pleaded with him. "Samantha Carter has a ring to it, Sam Carter, its short and sweet and to the point and I've always been that and I'm known in the academic world as Samantha Carter and…" She trailed off, her eyes begging him to understand. "And it occurred to me that you wouldn't ask me to change my name. And then it occurred to me that I need to stop comparing everything he does to what you would do. And then…" There were tears in her eyes now, "and then I realized that I don't even have to ask you if you'd want me to change my name because I know you'll tell me that you would like me to take your name but it's not really an issue," a sob escaped her lips, "and then I thought that Sam Carter-O'Neill has a better ring to it than Sam Carter-Shanahan." She wiped the tears streaming down her cheeks with her fingers, "and then I knew I had to get out of there."

Jack stared at her, speechless. He would have interrupted her to say that he would let her do what she wanted with the damn name but she said it herself. He stared at her, not knowing what to say, how to respond to any of this. What did she want from him? She shows up at his house in her wedding gown, talking about god-damn names and she expects him to understand any of it?

"Sam," anger was rising in him and he tried to rein it in, "What do you want me to say? What do you want from me?"

She stared at him through blurry eyes, not giving a damn now that she was crying, her makeup running down her cheeks.

"I can't give you what you want, you know that. I can't marry you. I can't even tell you that I love you. I can't tell you I'm in love with you, that I have been for years. I can only tell you I'll be with you always. I'm your friend, but I can't be more than that. I can only hope that he'll make you happy because I can't. But you can't seriously expect me to be that friend. You can't really think that I'm strong enough to be the one you come crying to when he pisses you off, or when he does something you don't like, because I'm sorry, I'm not strong enough. I… I care about you, a lot more than I should, a lot more than four years ago when… But I'm just not strong enough to be that guy."

"I shouldn't have come," she whispered through the tears, "you're right, I'm sorry," and she walked around him towards the door.

"Damn it," he muttered and ran after her. "Where will you go? Back to the church?"

She was half way down the stairs leading from the porch to the driveway when she stopped and looked back up at him. "I don't know. I can't stay here. You made that clear."

He heaved a sigh. "Yes, you can. Come back in."

"Jack – "

"Sam, I'm your friend. I'm not going to leave you hanging and you do kind of need a place to hide right now," there was a smile hidden in his words.

"I don't think this is a good hiding place," she gave him a small smile, climbing back up the stairs; "I'm pretty sure one of them'll figure it out."

"I'll watch out for them," he was serious this time. He opened his arms and she thrust herself into his embrace, her arms closing around him. She buried her face in his shirt, and he tightened his hold on her as she started shaking in his arms. "Shhh," he soothed, "don't worry about it. I'm here for you. Always."

Somehow he managed to lead her back inside the house so that they don't make a spectacle out of themselves more than they already had, all the while keeping his arms around her. In the entrance to his home he held her tightly, pressing a kiss to the top of her head.

"You're alright. It's okay, you're safe," he whispered, "shhh."

Finally he felt her trembles slow and come to a halt. She looked up at him, his face so close to hers. His gaze flicked to her lips and back to her eyes and he saw the permission deep in them, saw the need for affection and he so wanted to give her what she needed, to comfort her. He lowered his lips, nearly closing the distance between them completely but something stopped him and at the last second he turned, pressing a soft kiss on her cheek instead.

"Come on," he whispered then, "let's get you out of the dress."

She sniffled but nodded and pushed away from him. He led her to his bedroom where he found a pair of boxers and a tee-shirt she could wear. He handed them to her and she nodded her thanks.

"I, uh, will be, uh outside, uh making coffee for us," he said, completely embarrassed by the situation, somewhat wishsing that Daniel would hurry up and get there. He shrugged and turned, grabbing the handle of the door on his way out.

"Jack."

He turned around again, only to find her standing with her back to him, looking at him over her shoulder, arms reaching behind her.

"I can't…" She closed her eyes and exhaled slowly, realizing just how strange this situation is. "Can you please unzip me?"

He swallowed hard, his knuckles turning white on the door handle, and thenf he stepped back into the room and towards her, reaching for the zipper. He pulled it down slowly, staring at the soft creamy skin that came into view as the dress slipped down her shoulders slowly. Then the strap of a lacy white bra that had been meant for someone else appeared. He stopped. "Uh, can you get it from here?" he asked quickly and without actually getting an answer he headed out the door, closing it firmly behind him.

"Yeah, thanks," she said but he was already gone.

Stepping out of her dress, Sam sat on her CO's bed wearing nothing but a set of lacy bra and silk panties. She hadn't thought she'd get a bite of reality when she came to him. She didn't really think about anything but her own ass when she left that church and drove the familiar road to his house. She understood why he didn't want to come to her wedding. Consciously, she understood. But she never really let herself think what it meant. Until he said what he said. Jack O'Neill told her he loves her. That he's in love with her. She hadn't once, since leaving the church, thought about what it would do to him that she was coming to him. She was a selfish moron. And here he was, taking care of her even though he himself admitted he wasn't strong enough for it. And on top of it all she just asked him to unzip her, so he can see the bra she bought specifically for this dress because it blended in with it and didn't create strap-lines on her shoulders. He must have thought she wore it for… For Pete's sake, she was stupid. A normal woman would buy sexy skivvies for her wedding night. But no, Sam Carter thought of how she would look, not what her new husband would think. So, so stupid.

Her breath shaky with tears again, she quickly pulled on the Air Force tee-shirt and the blue sweat shorts her CO (she snorted) had given her and stepped back out of his bedroom. She could smell the coffee brewing and the bacon sizzling, she could hear him in the kitchen making his famous omelets with the secret ingredient which she had long ago figured out was Guinness. She stepped into the kitchen and sat down on one of the kitchen chairs.

"Sir," her voice was a little shaky, "I'm sorry about before. I didn't mean to –"

"Yeah, sir me, that works really well for me right now," he glanced at her over his shoulder quickly.

She nodded, taking his interruption as it was meant – there was nothing to apologize for.

Then he turned and handed her a glass of orange juice he'd prepared for them.

"Thanks, Jack," she said as she accepted it, her fingers brushing with his.

He closed his eyes briefly, his fingers lingering on the glass just a second too long and then he returned to the omelets.

"So, uhm, do you want to talk about it?" he asked as he flipped one.

"No," she said, this time taking into account his feelings on the subject and ignoring completely her own need to talk it out and to understand what she'd done and what it meant.

He called her bluff of course. "Is it just cold feet? Are you going to go back to him?"

She shook her head. "No. I just don't…" She searched for a different word because she didn't want to use the right one, but there was no other word. "I don't love him the way I love you."

For once, Jack was glad he had his back to her. She couldn't see how much it both hurt him and pleased him to hear her say it. But she was being honest about it and so should he.

"You're going to need to talk to him."

"I know."

He flipped the omelets onto the plates and turned around. "Food's ready." He placed one plate in front of her and then sat down to her right. "If you want, uh, I'll go with you. To meet with him."

She dropped the fork she was holding and took his hand in hers, squeezing it. "Thank you, but you don't have to."

He squeezed her fingers back. "We'll see how it goes."

She smiled and blinked back the tears, then dropped his hand and went back to eating.

There was silence between them then as both ate silently, each lost in their own world. Then, after long moments of silence, Jack turned his gaze to her.

"You looked beautiful in the dress," he said softly, "I just thought you should have an objective opinion."

She bit her lower lip to keep from crying, but her eyes filled with tears again. How was it that he could say just the right thing at the right moment? How was it that he was still trying to make her feel better after the way she treated him? "Thank you," she sniffled.

"Hey, hey, I didn't mean to make you cry for the third time today, two were enough," he pushed his chair back and turned to her, and she let him pull her into his arms again.

They sat like that, on the kitchen floor, almost under the table for long moments. This time, when she looked at him through watery eyes, so close to his, he couldn't resist the temptation and he lowered his lips to hers, kissing her softly, gently. She pushed herself further into his arms, into his hold, her mouth opening for him, inviting him, and he took the invitation gladly, his tongue sweeping the chamber of her mouth, her lips, her tongue.

Until he pulled back. "I'm sorry," he whispered, "I shouldn't have done that."

But his arms were still tight around her waist and he held her so close she could smell him and she knew he hadn't meant that the kiss wasn't amazing, because it was. "I'm sorry I put you in this position," she whispered back.

"Don't worry about it," he whispered again. "Always is always. I can't make a promise and then break it when you need me the most."

"You didn't. And you're right; I can't expect you to be there for me when my marriage breaks down."

"Actually," his tone partly serious and partly not, "that's when you can expect me to be there for you the most."

She giggled and he smiled at her. "Come on, we can't leave the dirty dishes like this, we're going to have guests soon."

With another giggle she stood up and helped him and together they set to cleaning the kitchen.

It was nearly three and a half hours later that the knock on the door came. Jack didn't know who to expect – Daniel, Teal'c, Pete, all three of them? He'd seen Daniel's car pull up the driveway so Danny would be there but the others…

He opened the door wide and stepped aside.

"Where is she?"

"Hi Cassie, nice to see you too, did you have a good time at the wedding? What, no? Why not?"

"Jack! Where is she?" The girl yelled.

"Asleep in my bedroom."

Cassie crossed the house to his bedroom in three steps, closing the bedroom door behind her.

"Is she okay?" Daniel came in next.

"Yeah, she's fine. Had a rough day. She's exhausted." Jack looked behind Daniel. "What, no angry future husband? No Teal'c with donuts?" He closed the door.

"Mark's with Pete. I convinced him to let me talk to her first," Daniel explained as he took a seat on the couch. "Did she say anything?"

Jack took a cushion from the recliner and sat on it. "She said something about realizing that Pete wanted her to change her name, that Samantha Shanahan doesn't work, that she knows I wouldn't make a big deal of changing the name, that she needs to stop comparing us, and then she left and came here."

"I can't say that she's wrong," Daniel rubbed a hand over his face. "Samantha Shanahan is a bad name."

A shadow of a smile appeared on Jack's lips.

"She finally realized what we've known for years," Daniel said after a few moments of silence.

"What's that?"

"That she loves you."

"Oh, I think we've both known that for a while," Jack sighed.

"Yeah, but she also realized that she can't replace you with someone else. Kind of like how you realized that."

"Not for lack of trying," Jack nodded absently. "Still doesn't help me much. Or her."

Daniel sighed. "No one ever said it would be easy."

Jack shrugged. "I don't think I've ever been as honest with myself or her or even you as I have today. It's kind of refreshing."

Daniel nodded, "these kinds of situations kind of call for complete honesty."

"I told her I love her."

Daniel's eyes widened in shock.

"Relax, not in so many words. In so many other words."

"And?"

"She loves me too."

"In so many words?" Daniel asked.

"No, in very specific words."

"I guess that's something too," Daniel heaved another sigh, mostly because he knew they both understand that right now all this love has absolutely no place in their lives. Then again, it never had before either and it was still there.

"I kissed her."

"Jack! Why?"

"I know, I know, it was stupid of me. But she was crying and I was holding her, I was comforting her, and it just happened..."

"Taking advantage of her when she's down, seriously?" Daniel looked disappointed.

"I didn't, Danny. I apologized."

The younger man understood, "Everything you ever wanted wrapped in a white dress…"

"She looked beautiful," Jack admitted. "But not quite herself. If I ever get to marry her, it's going to be in formals. Both of us."

Daniel ran a hand through his hair and smiled. "You know something? She told me the exact same thing a couple of months ago. She said that had she been marrying you, you'd both be in uniform."

"Woman after my own heart."

"Kind of the problem."

"Yeah…"

Cassandra sat down by Sam on the bed, running her fingers through Sam's soft hair.

Sam slowly started waking up, opening her eyes tiredly. "Cassie?"

"I'm here, Sam. You okay?"

Sam sighed, "I'll be alright."

"So, uh, Pete cancelled the wedding. He figured out where you went."

"He's a good man," Sam moaned. "I can't believe I did this to him."

"Better now than in six months. Better for all three of you."

Sam wondered how this non-issue, this taboo of a subject became such an accessible topic of conversation. For Cassie certainly, but more so to her and to Jack. How easily he became Jack and not 'Sir' or 'General'. How easily everything that was ever between them unfolded and not quite the way she ever imagined it would.

"I'm so stupid, Cass." She buried her face in the pillow that smelled like him. "How could I do this to him?"

Cassandra wasn't sure which him she meant and Sam didn't clarify. She went on stroking Sam's hair wordlessly, letting the older woman digest and analyze the situation and come to terms with it.

"Jack?" Daniel whispered and when his friend turned to look at him, he handed him a beer.

"Thanks," Jack turned around again, resuming his position at the door, leaning on the frame, watching her sleep. "I can't expect her to wait for me," he said softly.

Daniel found a comfortable spot against the other side of the doorframe, watching Sam as well. He didn't say anything, letting Jack speak his mind.

"If it wasn't Pete, it'll be someone else. And if she is willing to wait, I don't know for how long."

Daniel thought that now more than ever Sam would be willing to wait for him. Though he was right about one thing – none of them could know for how long.

"And the truth is I don't think I want to wait anymore either. I did my thing. We beat the Goa'uld. Maybe it's time to leave it all behind. To return to the ignorant existence everyone else seems to enjoy. To finally get the girl."

Daniel kept quiet still, the idea of the SGC without Jack O'Neill somehow involved was just wrong.

"She won't let me retire though, will she? She has this great image of me of the SGC Savior. Of a hero. Heroes aren't supposed to feel pain when the fight is over." He sighed, trailing into silence.

When Daniel still hadn't responded, Jack looked over his shoulder.

"I think you need to talk to her. To tell her," he nodded towards the woman on the bed. "You know she won't appreciate you making the decision for her."

"Yeah."

Jack went on watching her sleep. Daniel patted Jack's back and left him to his thoughts.

She was alone when she awoke. The room was dark, the shades drawn, though through the fluttering of the curtain she could see the dark skies of twilight. She lay in bed, staring at the rising stars through the window for another several moments, just… being. She could smell something cooking in the kitchen and the faint voices of people talking but none of it mattered.

She simply didn't want to get up. She was too comfortable. The mattress was just the right hardness, the pillows were just the right thickness, the covers just the right softness. And she could smell him. She could smell Jack.

In the past, when she thought of being in Jack's bed, this wasn't quite what she had in mind. She snorted to herself. Yeah. Not marrying Pete was definitely the right decision. Too bad she hadn't managed to figure that out before. She idly wondered where her dress was. She'd left it on the bed when she changed earlier. Cassie must have taken it with her when she was there earlier.

And then Sam realized she made a mess of things. If everyone was gathered at her CO's place… She chuckled to herself softly. But she'll be able to make it good again. She'll talk to Pete. She'll clear the air. And Jack… Hopefully, one day it will work out with him too. She felt better just knowing that he loved her.

She felt better.

Sitting up in her CO's bed, she looked outside. This was her wedding day. She left her fiancé at the altar and ran away to the man she loves and he took her in.

She felt better.

She got out of bed and, barefoot, made her way to the kitchen where her friends, now with Teal'c as well, were setting up the table for dinner.

"Hi guys."

Her friends were happy to see her smile.

Jack stood on the back porch, a cold beer in his hand. Warm as it was during the day, the evenings still got chilly, but it didn't seem to bother him.

Dinner was nice, felt like old times. The team just hanging out, eating dinner, laughing, talking. Cassie regaled them with college stories. They didn't speak of what brought them together for the day, of what happened since she showed up at his door, of the conversations he had with all of them during the day. No one mentioned the fact that he stood watching her sleep from the doorway for an hour. No one mentioned the pearly white dress that hung in the closet by the front door. No one mentioned the ring that hung on a chain on the same hanger as the dress.

No, it was like old times before things were too complicated. Before Pete and Kerry and humming in the elevators and marriage proposals and rings.

Maybe it was time he retired. Pass the baton to someone else. Take time off.

If he were honest with himself, something that today seemed to happen a lot, he knew very well that he'd be bored out of his mind within days of retirement. This wasn't like the retirement he'd forced himself into after Charlie died. No, this is retirement for the sake of retirement and he was never one to sit around doing nothing for too long. He may not be doing field work much anymore but running the SGC was a pain in the ass in and of itself and he enjoyed it. Plus he could go off world every once in a while….

But that meant that he couldn't have Sam.

You can't always have what you want.

He sipped his beer quietly, watching the sky grow darker as this side of the globe turned further and further away from the sun, casting itself into the darkness of space.

Somewhere in the back of his mind he heard the door slide open and close.

"I didn't want you to get cold," she said softly as she handed him a sweatshirt. His favorite.

"Thanks," he handed her the beer, put the shirt on and took his beverage back. "How are you feeling?"

"I'm okay I think. Not quite the position I'd want to be in on my wedding night," she smiled softly, "but I'm okay."

He gave her a tight smile. "Yeah."

"I, uh, I need to talk to Pete."

"And what are you going to tell him?" he was too afraid to look at her, worried he'd see something he wouldn't like in her eyes so he kept his gaze trained on the forest ahead of him.

"That I'm sorry, but that better now than after the wedding. That I do love him, but I was never in love with him. That I was in love with the idea of being in love. That I was in love with not suppressing my feelings."

He winced.

"But that had I married him, I probably would have given up on something really good, with someone I am in love with. And that I'm willing to wait for him now that I know he feels the same way."

The corner of his mouth twitched as he looked at her, "you really going to say all that to the man you just left at the altar?"

"No, probably not," she took the beer he held in his hand and took a swig.

He loved that she felt freedom enough to do that with him even now. Maybe even more so, now.

"Sam," he said softly and her eyes met his, "What do you want me to do?" This time when he asked the question, it wasn't meant in anger, it wasn't meant to provoke. "Say the word and I'll retire."

"That wouldn't be fair to you," she whispered.

"Don't care."

"I do."

Hadn't he told Daniel she would care?

"It's not relevant right now anyway," he concluded, and when her eyes questioned him, he went on. "You just cancelled your wedding, you haven't even talked to Pete yet, you still haven't had enough time to think this through, to process what happened just this morning. I shouldn't be pushing this right now."

"You're not," she said softly. "It's been on my mind a lot in the past few months."

He didn't ask why she didn't do anything about it until then because she had. She'd come by to talk to him and found Kerry there. It didn't matter that Kerry was gone by the end of that same week because he was so hung up on Sam.

"I don't know what you should do, Jack," she whispered again, "What we should do."

He touched her cheek softly. "I love you Sam, but I don't expect you to wait for me."

"And settle? Tried it. Just thing morning. Didn't work well."

"And here I thought I was the cynical one."

She covered his hand on her cheek with her own. "I'll transfer."

He hadn't thought of that. It wasn't great. It meant they would be far away from each other. But it also meant she would not be under his command. It meant that they could be together.

"I know some people," he said, his hand moving from her cheek to the back of her neck, pulling her closer.

She moved closer willingly, nodding softly as she went, "It won't be perfect," she put her hands on his chest, feeling the muscles contract beneath the sweatshirt.

"Nothing ever is," he pulled her even closer, his face inches from hers.

"Jack?" Her arms snaked up his shoulders.

"Hmm?"

"Kiss me."