KOBAYASHI MARU

Disclaimer: I don't own Harry Potter or Naruto or it's characters – I'm just amusing myself and my poor brain with what-if scenarios. Boo-yah.

Summary: Danzo is known as an obsessed war hawk, who wants to change Konoha into militaristic superpower. But even he, as cold and heartless as he is, had his own Kobayashi Maru, his own total defeat…

Shout Out: Really, Danzo needs some lovin'. He may seem to be a total bastard, but he has a honor and didn't betray Konoha. Besides, I was tired of pairing Harry with all the pretty boys…/Shrugs/ So, enjoy!

Warnings: Slash, pairing boy/boy, or Danzo/Harry, read if you want and if you are sure. Shameless twisting of timelines and happenings, making this little basket of jewels AU universe. Believe it!

1) No-Win

Danzo never did like no-win scenarios, and the one his sensei suggested, was exactly that.

2) Darkness

Hiruzen was light, while he, Danzo, was darkness. He was a tree soaking the sun's warmth, and Danzo was roots, condemned to eternal darkness.

3) Volunteering

Danzo never quite forgave Hiruzen for volunteering first on that fateful mission.

4) Massacre

Even when he was asleep, he dreamt of the massacre of his village.

5) Soldier

First and foremost, every ninja was a soldier. It didn't matter whether the said ninja was a cannon fodder or Kage, they were soldiers in service of their village.

6) Similar

Even if he didn't want to admit it to anyone, Danzo was scarily similar to Orochimaru

7) Again

He gritted his teeth as he was – once again – forced to listen to Hiruzen's haggling of a sweet talk with foreign diplomats. If it were Danzo, the negotiations would be already done and gone over with – and sealed in blood of his opponents.

8) Old

Sometimes, he felt older than his true age – positively ancient. He had seen and experienced too much, and yet, the drum beat of war still echoed in his ears. To tell the truth… it was annoying.

9) Fop

He stormed in his headquarters, cursing to himself violently. That old monkey surely had a death wish to proclaim the yellow-haired fop as his successor!

10) Megalomaniac

He had cautioned Sandaime, time and time again, about Orochimaru's…megalomaniac tendencies. But noo, the old monkey sack didn't listen. Danzo rubbed his temple, irritated. He just felt his hair graying already.

11) Secret

ROOT was a secret. Hiruzen may have disbanded it officially, but to anyone with a brain, such a thing to do was illogical, what with Konoha being weakened from the third shinobi war.

12) Fools

He seethed as his offer about eliminating the Kumo bastards was discarded as yesterday's news. Proud, idiotic fools, the lot of them.

13) Chickens

Even if he seemed to be in cahoots with civilian side of the council, he abhorred the squawking chickens as they were.

14) Love-Hate

He loved and hated Konoha. The place was as much as his home as was his battlefield he was trying to conquer for almost all of his life.

15) Jinchuuriki

Once again, he was denied. This time, it was Kyuubi Jinchuuriki. If Danzo were a lesser man, he would cry with frustration at the unfairness of it all. Instead of that, he would bide his time, and… wait.

16) Savior

He looked at his savior, dumbfounded. It was a teen, clothed in strange clothes – and the one who literally demolished the would-be assassins.

17) Secret II

He was Danzo's secret. And for some reason, Danzo couldn't bring himself to drop the man into ROOT's training program, no matter how tempting the thought was. And even when he was at work, his mind lingered at the mental picture of those green eyes.

18) Baffled

Sandaime was baffled. For some reason, he expected Danzo to be more persistent in pursuit after little Naruto. And for some reason, Danzo – and ROOT – laid low.

19) Green

He was there when the eyes of his savior opened. And it felt as if he were sucker-punched in his gut and his heart, as he looked into those confused green orbs.

20) Sense

Luckily, the boy knew their language. Unluckily, his story, as it was, didn't make a sense. The baffling thing was, Danzo was inclined to believe his… guest.

21) Attempt

Danzo attempted, once again, to gain the Kyuubi Jinchuuriki for his forces. However, no one noticed just how half-hearted his attempt really was.

22) Kittens

His guest was… strange, Danzo supposed. On one side, he was a hardened warrior, who had seen untold terrors, and on the other side, he was a veritable bleeding heart that loved to play with kittens.

23) Privates

Harry stormed into Danzo's office; ROOT guards discreetly removed themselves from their positions. "And just what were you thinking," Harry began dangerously "Assigning me a bodyguard to follow me into the toilet and commenting on my privates!" He ended in a low growl. Danzo cringed. Maybe having emotionless drones wasn't such a great idea, after all.

24) Scars

Danzo, like any shinobi worth their money, had scars. But he still gaped at the youth's body as Harry shyly joined him in the private onsen. Damn, but Harry could give Ibiki a run for his money.

25) Bastard

Danzo, Harry discovered, was one stern, anal-retentive bastard who lived solely for causing Harry trouble and heart attacks. Now he could sympathize with professor Snape very, very well.

26) Adoration

The ROOT members adored Harry. They would wait for him hand and foot, if Danzo hadn't forbidden it. No matter – they still managed to sneak past the war hawk's radar… Sometimes.

27) Kobayashi Maru

One of Danzo's favorite pastimes, when he wasn't leading ROOT, was playing strategic games. Right now, he was staring at the floor board stricken, his eyes wide with fear and helplessness. "And that," Harry smiled at him sadly,"Is Kobayashi Maru."

28) Strays

Harry had a penchant for adopting strays, be it animal or human ones. Still, Danzo almost had a heart attack when he found out that two of those… strays were Uchiha Shisui and Uchiha Itachi.

29) Family

Nobody knew how or when, but ROOT slowly became a family. True, they were weird, dysfunctional to the extreme and most of the members were screwed in their heads – cough Sai cough – but regardless of that, they were family.

30) Prank

"HARRY!" An outraged roar came out of Danzo's office, making the ROOT ANBU shake with suppressed mirth. It seemed that Harry redecorated the plain room again - this time with hot pink walls and lime green polka dots.

31) Mistletoe

Harry didn't intend to introduce ROOT to that infernal weed, called mistletoe. Really, he didn't. But somehow, when he was wrapped in strong embrace and having kissed the living daylight out of him, courtesy of normally austere ROOT leader, he couldn't bring himself to mind much.

32) Smoking

Sarutobi blinked at his old friend – turned nemesis – suspiciously. Lately, Danzo was unusually springy for such an old guy. "Just what have you been smoking, and where can I get some?"

33) Kitsune

For living almost full-time underground, the ROOT members surprisingly didn't mind. That mirror charm/jutsu sure was useful. Now, if only they were safe from that Kitsune chibi…

34) Dating

"Dating" was singularly most baffling occurrence in both of their lives. Both of them had little to no experience with hat kind of mating dance around each other and in the end, they decided to just wing it. The end result was one of the most unusual – and occasionally terrifying – courtships in Konoha.

35) Snakes

Anko couldn't help but gape incredulously as the green eyed bastard hissed at her snakes – and what was more, those damned glorified worms obeyed him!

36) Crash

Laughing as he ran, Naruto didn't see a civilian on his path. And so, he crashed into the slender teen, bowling both of them into the ground. The next thing he knew, Naruto was torn away from the nice-smelling person and suspended in the air by one of those masked men, while the other two of them helped still a little dizzy Harry up. Naruto shivered at the looks the apparent bodyguards of that person gave him.

37) Parents

If anyone asked who was their parents, Shisui and Itachi would say the names of their respective biological parents. However, in truth, the ones they considered as their true parents were Harry, and surprisingly, Danzo.

38) Empty

One day, Itachi came to the den, as they jokingly named ROOT headquarters with empty look in his eyes. Danzo had to restrain Harry from going off and massacre the foolish idiots that intended to make a coup d'état. In that moment, Danzo was thankful he had discarded his dreams about world domination. Furious Harry was a scary Harry.

39) Summon

Harry glared at the purple snake. "Which part of 'no' you don't understand?" He asked the snake, his green eyes furious. Manda held back a wince. The Speaker was not inclined to be benevolent at the moment, especially when he found out just what was Manda doing… and the payment about the deeds done. Manda gulped. It was time to grovel.

40) Mess

Sarutobi closed his eyes, tired and confused. "T hose are indeed bad news," he muttered out wearily. He sighed. Opening his eyes, he looked at the grim-faced Danzo "What do you suggest we do?" Danzo grimaced. "Your mess, you solve it." He told the gaping monkey bluntly. Really, he was too old to held Hiruzen's hand right now.

41) Chibi

Harry sighed. The chibi followed him persistently. No matter what he did, shortly of using his… special abilities, the chibi found him and followed him. He still remembered how Danzo got the shock of his life, finding the chibi curled on their bed. The old adage was apparently true. Feed the stray once, and it will follow you everywhere. Especially if this stray is the one certain Kitsune chibi, named Naruto.

42) Guitar

When Harry first played on his guitar, they were entranced. And since then, there didn't pass an evening that one of the ROOT members wouldn't find the green eyed man and wheedle him into playing the instrument.

43) Dead

Itachi and Shisui Uchiha were dead. This halted any plans for coup the Uchiha clan may have, as they were mourning two of their brightest and best shinobi. But Itachi and Shisui, members of ROOT and honorary sons of Harry and Danzo, were very much alive.

44) Himera

The execution of the traitors in the Uchiha clan was swift and quiet. One day, the clan was smaller for a third, and nobody knew why. Project Himera was successful, mainly because of the participation of ROOT ANBU and some hard negotiations, done by Danzo himself. The outside masses didn't know anything about the near-miss they experienced. And the Uchihas didn't tell.

45) Bonk

Casually, Danzo bonked the two squabbling advisors on their heads. When he was aware of what he had done, and in the middle of council meeting, he blinked. "Um. Oops?" He offered, unrepentantly. The shinobi half stifled their sniggers, while the civilians goggled at the usually implacable ROOT leader. 'Harry… You are a very bad influence on me…' Danzo grimaced inwardly. But he wouldn't change his life for anything. He stood up and presented his solution, hiding his smile carefully.

46) Wonderland

For such an old man, Danzo's body had surprisingly youthful appearance. Sure, the skin sagged a little, and Danzo may not be at the peak of his strength, but Harry was fascinated with the coiled, sturdy muscled and wide, warm expansion of Danzo's skin. The dark man shuddered slightly as his youthful lover explored his body lazily, driving him into pleasurable madness.

47) Pocky

Whoever dared to mess with Itachi's beloved sweet, suffered terribly. But whoever dared to mess with Harry's pocky… their lives were forfeit. Or at least their pride, as they were subjected victims to cruel, unusual, and inventive pranks that made Naruto's ones look amateurish. Who do you think introduced Itachi to the sweet, beautiful wonder that was pocky?

48) Holiday

The words that Danzo should never, ever speak got the whole Konoha army forces in uproar and one Hiruzen Sarutobi into depths of despair. Simply enough, Danzo had marched into Sandaime's office and announced: "I want a holiday." Harry was in hysterics for days after that, along with Itachi and Shisui.

49) Hair

Usually, Danzo sheared off the excess amount of hair, just because it would be impractical to have long hair. But after seeing Harry longingly looking at his picture, where he had shoulder length hair, he let it grow out. And of course, Harry's fascination with his longer hair never failed to amuse him… along with the very relaxing scalp massages.

50) Fury

When Harry was annoyed, Danzo could bear it. But the ROOT leader prayed that he would never, ever be recipient of Harry's fury. The Toad Sanin was a charred, dirty, smelly, and miserable excuse for a human right now. It served him right, Danzo thought vindictively. Especially because the said toad pervert dared to perv on Harry when the said young man was relaxing in the onsen.

51) Adoption

Naruto couldn't be adopted. But that didn't mean he couldn't be helped, and the green eyed man Naruto called Midori-nii, helped him greatly. And it was fun to have two elder brothers, too – Ita-nii and Shi-nii were just awesome!

52) Ring

Danzo, they noted, had changed. Oh, it wasn't anything big – he was still stern, shrewd old fox, but to those that knew him, Danzo positively flourished. His hair was longer, and his face less gaunt. His skin was also healthier than before. But the biggest change was an unobtrusive ring on his ring finger.

53) Adorable

Danzo wouldn't say it even on the pain of his life, but Harry and Naruto sleeping together; with the Kitsune chibi burrowed into Harry's chest was simply adorable.

54) Thunderous

Finding out that Harry was kidnapped, Itachi and Shisui were furious. But that was nothing while comparing with Danzo; the old war hawk's face was positively thunderous.

55) Salt

Harry kissed of the salty tracks on the withered cheeks, as he embraced the man. Once again, Danzo had his old nightmare – but now, the nightmare was darker, and Danzo saw his lover dying.

56) Blue

For some reason, their favorite color was blue. For Danzo, it was the color of water and for Harry; it was the color of sky. But most of all, blue was the color of freedom.

57) Love

They loved; not with words, but with touches and looks and caresses - they loved with supporting each other, as they bantered or argued with each other, they loved in the dark of the night and light of the day, even if they were hidden from other people. They held onto each other, one more moment, one more day, just once more – and it was enough, and yet, it was too little.

58) Approach

When Itachi and Shisui shyly approached their parents, admitting that they were in love with each other, Danzo and Harry shrugged and gave the pair their blessings. They knew it was coming for a long time, after all…

59) Mizuki

The first, second and last mistake Mizuki did, was that he approached the class dobe for stealing the Forbidden Scroll. Not only Naruto had headed straight to Midori-nii to ask him about the assignment – it smelled fishy, after all – he found out not only Naruto, but Harry and Danzo waiting for him.

60) Wonderwall

It was Danzo's favorite song – guitar and Harry's voice crooning in his ears softly. Listening to the song, he thought back on the days when he was alone and in darkness. Now, he was still in darkness, still the Darkness of Shinobi, but he had his light, his Harry, his family, no matter how unorthodox it may seem to be. And he would endeavor to keep it, come Hell and high water.

/To be continued./