The Scorpion and The Toad

Summary: AU. Roy Mustang is a very successful writer. He had money, looks, fame – he had everything. Besides something to do. That is, until he decided to follow Edward around… and write a book about him.

Main pairing: Edward Elric x Roy Mustang

Rated: M

Genre: Romance / Humor / Angst

Warning: YAOI

Disclaimer: Sadly, I do not own Fullmetal Alchemist. Also credit for chapters titles goes to TV Show "Scrubs".

Beta: FullmetalHanyou15

Chapter one

His Story

By Shortmetal Shrimp

"White chocolate mocha!" The waiter yelled and Roy looked up from his newspaper, the movement moving his ebony bangs from his eyes.

"Thanks." He said as he got to the counter, looking around the marble surface for some sugar.

"So, how many is that?" The boy that served his coffee asked, raising one eyebrow. Mildly interested in the conversation, Roy looked up at the blond waiter.

"Third" Came his instant reply, then he thought for a second. "No wait, fourth. I grabbed one on my way here."

The blond boy looked at him suspiciously.

"You grabbed a coffee on your way to get… coffee?" He said inspecting him closely. Roy nodded, not looking up while putting another sugar into his already very sweet drink. "Cool." The blond finally commented, nodding his head, as in showing Roy respect. "What are you doing here for so long anyway? Waiting for someone?"

Roy observed the waiter again, stirring his coffee slowly. He seemed young, maybe around his twenties even though his height indicated not more than a junior high student. He looked pretty bored as well, but then again it wasn't even 9 am and he was one of the two customers in the cafeteria. Also, as Roy couldn't help but notice, the boy was pretty damn hot.

"Just reading the newspaper," Roy finally said after inspecting the blond from head to toe. "I come here every day actually."

"That must be a pretty damn long newspaper then." The waiter said with small smile, turning his head back to the dark haired man. He had been looking out the window all this time, almost as if he had forgotten he had been in a conversation at all. "And I wouldn't know about that, I'm new here; just started today."

"Oh. How is it going so far?" Roy asked, continuing the conversation even though his coffee was ready.

"Well…so far I served espresso to this guy" The blond said pointing at the other customer. Then he moved slightly closer to Roy leaning across the counter and lowered his voice. "I wouldn't sit next to him if I were you, he smells like old cucumbers and banana ice cream." Roy let out a small laugh at the odd combination. "And then I served three cups of mocha to another guy."

"Did he smell like old cucumbers with ice cream as well?" Roy asked, amusement present on his face, as well as slight sarcasm in his voice.

"Nah, he wasn't too bad." The blond said, getting up from the counter and stretching his back. Then he smirked. "I'd say he smelled more like an anchovy pizza than a cucumber with ice cream…"

Roy's eyebrow twitched and blond chuckled.

"You are one smug kid you know that right?" Roy asked, more amused than actually pissed at the boys antics.

"You wouldn't believe it but… I get that a lot." The blond said, glancing at Roy closely once again. Oh yeah, Roy could never believe that. "I'm Edward by the way."

"Roy." Roy said shortly and blond now known as Ed nodded. "Well then, Ed, I'll be getting back to my newspaper. I'd hate to see you fired on your first day because of me". With that he grabbed his coffee, nodded his farewell at the boy and went back to his table.

"See ya." Edward said and observed as the man went back and sat in his chair. He could swear he knew him from somewhere, he just couldn't remember where from…. Great, it was going to torture him all night now, he just knew it.

Another five white chocolate mocha's later Roy was still sitting in the cafeteria. Only now he wasn't really reading a newspaper, now it was a pretext to observe the blond waiter for five hours straight.

Don't get him wrong, Roy was no stalker, murderer, or molester. Ok, that last one was a lie, he was a huge fan of molesting people but that was beside the point.

Roy was b o r e d. He was bored out of his mind every single day of his boring life. No one would suspect that, obviously. He was rich; he could do whatever he wanted. The thing is, he already does that. Ever since he became famous a few years back he did every single thing that came to his mind.

He travelled the world alone. He saw places no travel agency could show you. He tried every sport there known to man. He took every class on every possible thing. Hell, he even attended AA meetings. Not that he was an alcoholic or anything. And yet…nothing stuck.

Beside the AA meetings…He made some pretty good friends there. Who knew that could happen?

Anyway,

The only thing Roy had in his life now was his way too sweet coffee and ridiculously big plasma TV that hung proudly in his apartment. Roy made a dreamy face at the thought. He loved his TV, he most definitely did...

So, seeing as Roy had way too much time in his way too empty life he grabbed every opportunity he got. Even if it was staring at some boy he didn't even knew for a few hours straight.

"Another one?" Ed asked, cleaning the table next to Roy's and looking at the man widely amused.

"Yeah."Roy said, looking straight into boy's big, gold eyes. Or maybe it was light green? No it had to be gold. Or maybe both…

"Are you sure? 'Cause if you're gonna have a heart attack I can't help you." Ed said, frowning at the man. "I don't know CPR."

Roy had to laugh at that.

"Tea it is." Roy said, shaking his head lightly. Edward did have a point. As bored as he was, dying was not something he was willing to try.

"I'm on it Roy Boy." Ed said in overly hyper way and saluted in a joking manner before leaving.

Roy twitched. What was he called again?

Before he could dwell on that though, the door to the cafeteria was opened and a really tall and good looking man came in. He looked around like he was looking for someone, an overly – confident and smug look plastered to his face.

"There you are!" He exclaimed loudly and while adjusting his extremely long black hair. He made his way to the counter, looking at no one else but Edward.

"Hey Envy." Ed said, grinning at his friend. Roy raised his eyebrow. Just what kind of name was 'Envy'? "What are you up to?" The blond asked, walking up to the brunet and sitting with him at the closest table.

"You know." Envy said. "Stuff."

"R i g h t." Ed said slowly, looking at his friend skeptically.

"Okay, here's the deal." Envy said in a really fast manner, putting his elbows on the small table. "Me and the other guys from the studio are planning to grab a few people and go do some major drinking tonight. You know, like the good old times. Drinking a few, getting hit by some random people and kicked out of bars. Don't you miss it?" Envy exclaimed, clearly excited.

Roy gave the stranger an odd look. Who in their right mind would miss that?

"Who in their right mind would miss that?" Ed asked and Roy pondered for a moment on how the universe actually worked. "And besides, you know I can't. I have work."

"But we're going in the evening." Envy said, trying to convince his friend.

"I have another shift at the Ramen restaurant. You know the one that's right around the corner." Ed said, crossing his arms.

"Well, we can go tomorrow." Envy tried again.

"I have classes." Ed answered, smirking slightly. He wasn't lying, he really had no time. None the less it somehow amused him to see his best friend so desperate.

"But we can go after classes!" Envy said, making big teary eyes and holding his hands together in a begging manner. "Come on Ed! Pleeease?"

"Can't, I have to study then go to work." Ed refused again. Envy looked at him sadly. There was a silence for a minute and then...

"Fine!" Envy said loudly, throwing his hands violently into the air and making a pouty face. He pretty much looked like a three year old kid throwing a tantrum. "I'll come to your place and we'll watch a movie."

"10 pm ?" Ed asked, trying not to chuckle too much.

"10:30." Envy said, getting up.

"Fine." Edward said, shaking his head at his friend. Then he got up as well.

"Fine." Envy repeated with a grumpy voice. The he grinned widely. "See ya then, I'll remember to bring you strawberry cake this time!"

"You better!" Ed said with a pout.

"Bye bye bitch!" Envy threw over his shoulder on the way out.

"I'm not your bitch!" Edward screamed at him and Envy turned around with a serious expression. Good there weren't many people in the cafeteria, Roy thought while observing the two.

"Dude, you kinda are." The brunet said, nodding his head slightly.

"I know, and it's awesome…" Ed replied with a serene expression. Roy shook his head at what he just witnessed. Incredible. He was so going to follow the boy home.

And he did just that.

Except Ed didn't go home right away; They were currently walking down the streets, as Roy concluded from the conversation he just happened to hear, to his other job. They were walking almost an hour now and Roy couldn't help but wonder why the hell the blond didn't take a bus. Or a bike. Or a freakin' donkey, he didn't care what it was as long as it moved faster than one mile per hour.

It's not that he was tired or anything, he just couldn't stop thinking about his brand new BMW he left in front of the cafeteria… Oh Pablo, would he be alright all by himself….. ?

Going back to reality Roy watched Edward take a left turn and decided to wait a few seconds before he went behind the corner himself. He didn't want to bump into the boy or anything. Because Roy wasn't walking with Ed. Roy was following him.

So, after the few seconds were up, he carefully turned left as well… except Ed was nowhere to be seen.

"Ha!" Roy exclaimed a little too loudly for a guy who was standing alone in the middle of the street. He didn't care though, they finally reached their destination. Now he only had to find a Ramen restaurant…ah, there it was.

An average looking, Japanese style restaurant. Roy looked at the other side of the street.

Now Roy… how do you do this so you can observe him without getting caught…

The brunet looked around. There was a bus stop located slightly right to the entrance of the restaurant, just by the street. Maybe not the greatest idea to sit on the bus stop for another few hours but it was his best shot.

Sitting at the bus stop Roy pulled out his newspaper – yes the one he read about five hundred times already – and peeked inside the Ramen restaurant.

There he was. Edward was moving quickly between the tables, wearing a very funny and a very cute kimono. The boy was smiling widely at his customers as he served the food. Roy smirked under his nose. This was so much better than the regular stuff he did at this time of night, which was nothing of course.

Roy frowned. He had a very, very sad life.

With a taste of your lips

I'm on a ride

You're toxic, I'm slipping under

With a taste of poison paradise

I'm addicted to you

Don't you know that you're toxic?

And I love what you do

Don't you know that you're toxic?

Roy pulled out his cell phone.

"Yeah?" He asked, still observing the blond.

"Hello Colonel." A feminine voice was heard on the other side of the line.

"I told you to stop calling me that." Roy said automatically. "Now what is it, Hawkeye?"

"Nothing in particular." Riza said, smiling lightly. "Just calling to check up on you." Roy raised his eyebrow.

"I truly do appreciate your honesty." The brunet said as he watched Ed clean the soup he had just spilled. On one of the customers. "I'm fine." He added after a moment of silence, not really concentrating on the conversation he was having.

"I'm sure you are." The woman answered, rolling her eyes. "Anyway, I'm leaving soon for another mission in Middle East and I – wait a minute." Riza said, stopping her sentence abruptly. "You never say you're fine…just what are you up to Roy?" She asked suspiciously.

"Up to? I'm not up to anything. Nope, nothing at all." Roy said quickly. Smooth…

"You always say you're up to something!" Riza exclaimed. "…That's it! You have that voice… the one that says you're obsessing about something so much you will soon start obsessing about writing it all down!"

"Just let it go woman!" Roy said, cursing just how well she knew him.

"Of course I won't! And I'm going to call—"

"Don't you dare!"

"-Hughes!" Riza finished. "Seeing as I'm leaving soon, someone has to keep an eye on you."

"Damn you!" Roy said, massaging his temple. Evil woman.

"Tell me… what is this all about? The new book I mean." Riza asked in excitement, sounding more and more like a high school girl with every word. "Romance? Drama? Both?"

Roy smirked. No chance in hell.

And so he hung up.

Roy turned off the engine of his precious black BMW when he parked in front of the Ramen restaurant.

It was already dark outside. The brunet sighed, leaning back in the seat comfortably and closing his eyes. He spent the last four hours or so sitting in the bus stop and when he finally decided that the blond wasn't finishing his work anytime soon he went back to retrieve his car and grab something to eat.

Roy looked inside the shop's window. Ed was behind the counter, with only one patron still there eating their noodles. The writer let his mind drift.

Why did the blond work so much anyway? Two shifts on the weekend, from dawn to dusk, one during the week. Then there were his classes.

Roy frowned. There were only few explanations for that kind of lifestyle…

Was he all alone?

The brunet pondered at the thought for a long time, he had finally had it with his newspaper and there's really not much to think about when one is sitting in an empty car for hours on end. Roy completely lost track of the time and before he knew it Ed was getting ready to leave. Roy looked around fanatically, trying to figure out how to hide so that the blond won't notice him.

Throwing what was left of his late dinner into the back seat, Roy threw himself on the car floor.

"Ouch" He winced, when a half full coke bottle fell on his head. Maybe this wasn't the smartest idea's he'd ever had but hiding on the floor was all that came to mind. Massaging his forehead gently he tried to figure out just how long was he going to lay there in this ridiculous position.

About 3 minutes later Roy carefully looked outside. He wanted to see where Ed lived after all. To his chagrin however… he couldn't see the blond anywhere.

"Damn it." Roy cursed, sitting back up normally. Just where in the world could he go in such a short time? He had to close the restaurant and –

Roy jumped up abruptly when he heard a loud knock on his back window. Turning around with a vivid scowl on his face he saw the current person he was definitely NOT stalking.

"Of course…" Roy murmured under his nose. Then he looked up. "God? They say you love us all equally." He shook his head. "Now I see that's a lie."

With that Roy exited his car. Pushing the door shut, he looked at a very pissed looking blond. Putting his best innocent smile on, he walked towards Ed.

"Who do we have here—"

"Don't give me that shit bastard !" Edward screamed, pointing his finger at Roy and looking at him with wide golden irises. "Why the hell are you following me? Are you a rapist? Or do you want to kidnap me? I'm telling you now, Al will never pay the ransom!"

Roy raised his brow, extremely interesting way to approach a kidnapper or rapist. Nevertheless, he had to try and calm the blond down before the cops were called or something.

"Calm down shorty—"

"WHO ARE YOU CALLING SO SHORT THAT EVEN ANTS WOULD BREAK THEIR FORMATION AND STARE ?" Ed yelled at the top of his lungs.

"What…" Roy looked at the blond oddly. Was he for real? "I never said—"

"Whatever!" Ed screamed, and by seeing the total confusion on the elder man's face, he felt his suspicions dwindle; just a bit. "Just tell me what the hell you're doing. You never struck me as a stalker type…"

"That's because I'm not stalking you." Roy said sighing heavily.

"Oh yeah? Then why did you follow me all the way here? And then wait all this time for me to get off work?" Ed asked, crossing his arms.

Roy thought for a moment, Just why did he follow this crazy kid? He couldn't tell him his original reason of course. Somehow, "You served me mocha this morning, I thought you were interesting so I decided to stalk you for the day and maybe write a book about you!", would go over well. He would so seem like a creep. So Roy did what he always does in these situations, said the first thing that came to his mind.

"I want to offer you a job."

End Chapter 1

Edward's short rant was taken from: .com/art/Edward-Elric-Short-Rants-99350378?q=favby%3AFunSizedpeps%2F39496428&qo=1