A/N: Spent one lazy Saturday morning watching 'You've Got Mail' with Meg Ryan and Tom Hanks, was irresistibly reminded of S and Q. Then this stupid plot bunny spiraled out of control and became some sort of multi-chaptered plot dragon that now I'm going to have to complete.
Big Disclaimer: I don't own Squaresoft. What you see below you is for fun, not profit. I believe Nora Ephron wrote the screenplay for 'You've Got Mail', which was based on the original screenplay 'The Shop Around the Corner', which in turn was written by Samson Raphaelson, Miklós László, Ben Hecht. I had nothing to do with either film, and none of the ideas contained therein are mine-I am only borrowing the words and concepts of much better writers than I, and will return them when I am done. You'll see flashes of dialogue and scene rip-offs, so let me just say here that those aren't mine, I didn't write the script, and I'm just having fun.
You should watch the movie, and enjoy it (I did!), and I hope you'll enjoy the fic as well.
Anyway, here it is.
Just a castaway, an island lost at sea, oh I'll send an S.O.S. to the world A year has passed since I wrote my note -Sting (The Police), Message in a Bottle
Another lonely day, with no one here but me, oh
More loneliness than any man could bear
Rescue me before I fall into despair, oh
I'll send an S.O.S. to the world
I hope that someone gets my
I hope that someone gets my
I hope that someone gets my
Message in a bottle, yeah
Message in a bottle, yeah
But I should have known this right from the start
Only hope can keep me together
Love can mend your life but
Love can break your heart
Message in a Bottle
When Quistis first found out that Xu had signed her up for an internet dating service, she wanted to kill her.
After a few minutes, she decided she was being rash. She lived in an institution that rented killers by the hour, after all. She'd hire someone else to do it.
Her pocketbook putting a halt to her grandiose dreams of hired murder, Quistis switched to intimidation. Unfortunately, Xu failed to wilt under the look that had loosened the tongues (and rumor had it, in some, the bowels) of so many of her former students, enemies, and in one particular case, Zell.
"Oh come on, Quistis, what harm could it do?"Xu had laughed, barely glancing up from the computer, which was one of many in the abandoned classroom. "Besides, everyone knows if you don't use it, you lose it, and if you don't use yours soon, the tumbleweeds are going to take over that barren wasteland you call a reproductive system."
"Maybe I don't have sex because you have enough for the both of us," mumbled Quistis grouchily, crossing her arms.
Xu didn't take the bait. "That's not possible. I would have to have sex twenty-four hours a day to make up for everything you're NOT getting."
"I had a boyfriend, Tian was-"
"A complete twat, is what he was, and even if he was good enough for you, that was almost a whole year ago, and therefore, it no longer counts." finished Xu.
"I have class next period." She said, desperate.
"No, you don't," replied Xu. "You have a free period, and you know it."
"Xu, I don't need any help finding a date," sulked Quistis, who was rapidly running out of excuses.
"That's also just not true," replied her friend sagely, in that infuriating matter-of-fact tone she had and often used to the fullest extent of her irritating ability. "You DO need help. Professional help, in fact, and what better help than ?"
"I don't need any help in finding some crazy, unwashed psychotic that will stalk my every waking move and raid my underwear drawer," spat Quistis. "I can find my own right here. I HAVE my own right here."
The Trepies unwavering devotion had only (and unfortunately) intensified after the Second Sorceress War, and Quistis daily had to step over a small pile of love letters, rose petals -and once, a creepy doll made with real hair that she did not want to know the origin of- that somehow, every single morning, managed to collect at her door. Only last week, she had almost broken her neck on an overlarge bag of candy hearts.
Xu's small, steady smile did not waver in the slightest at the first wave of Quistis's indignant fury. "You really need to need to learn to relax and get some fun out of life, Trepe."
"Your idea of fun and my idea of fun differ greatly, I'm afraid," said Quistis.
"That's because your idea of fun is a night in with The Art of War, a glass of wine, and a pair of AA batteries," replied Xu. "Pathetic." Taking her hands from the keyboard, Xu pantomimed a tumble weed blowing through a desert wasteland, accompanied by a cheesy Western score, an act that Quistis supposed was meant to represent her reproductive organs.
At that moment, it occurred to Quistis how thoroughly Xu would benefit from a black eye.
Just because she liked a quiet night of relaxation more often than not didn't mean she couldn't be an exciting person, damnitall. Didn't she get enough excitement every day with deadly missions, rogue terrorist sects, and friends like Selphie, for Hyne's sake? Why, only yesterday, Selphie had gotten the clever idea to bake a batch of cupcakes with remote detonators inside for an upcoming mission, and Quistis had come into the public kitchen just as Selphie was about to put them in the oven-
"Now come sit here and help me fill out the rest of this profile," replied Xu, patting the seat next to her. "Otherwise you'll have to live with whatever I classify as your 'personal strengths and deepest desires'."
Quistis's first urge was to neutralize Xu in a stranglehold and unplug the computer, but she hesitated. Xu would eventually regain consciousness, find another computer, and simply set about the process of ruining her life once again. Unless she was willing to kill her, she would have to accept the fact that Xu's meddling in her personal life was about to get even more intrusive.
In the end, she relented. Quistis had not been at the top of her second year Battle Tactics class for nothing, and knew to recognize when a battle was lost. Instead of continuing her pointless tirade, she sunk into a seat next to her traitorous friend, folded her arms, and watched her type.
"Hey! What're you two doin?" came a voice from the hallway. The girls looked up to see Irvine's long form slouched against the doorway, giving them a lazy wave.
"Oh, nothing, Xu's just ruining my love life," mumbled Quistis.
"To ruin it, you'd have to have it in the first place," replied Xu gratingly. "Come and help, Kinneas, we're signing up Quisty here for Guardian ."
The cowboy grinned. "Hey, we're helping Quisty's love life? Now that's a cause I can really get behind!"
"You and others, I hope," muttered Xu, causing Quistis to kick her friend's chair.
Sauntering into the classroom, Irvine pulled up a chair, flipped it backwards, and leaned eagerly over Xu's shoulder to see what she had written so far.
"Now, what should her handle be?" asked Xu, considering.
Irvine grinned, draping an arm around Quistis. "How about 'Whiplash?' It works on a couplea levels and hey, there's Zell! Zell, get in here, we're trying to think of a handle for Quisty's new dating profile!"
Great, within minutes, the whole Garden was going to know. "Thanks a bunch, Irvine," she mumbled.
"Hey!" said Zell, walking in and depositing his gym bag. "What're we doin'?"
"What do you think, Quistis?" asked Xu, smiling maliciously. "Any input?"
Groaning, Quistis let her head fall with a heavy 'thunk' onto the computer desk.
"Whatever…" she muttered.