This is my crack pairing lol. Kudo's to my awsome beta HowCouldThisHappenToMe (Seriously, she's really good.)

Disclaimer: I don't own Bleach, otherwise i wouldn't be writing Fanfiction.

Love at First Slice

"Captain Unohana!" Retsu Unohana looked up from her paperwork to see a very distraught Isane Kotetsu bursting into her office.

"Yes Isane?" The perpetual patience that Captain Unohana always displays never ceased to amaze the Squad Four lieutenant. Along with the ever-present smile on her face.

"Sorry to disturb you Captain, but we've got another one."

"Again?"

"Yes."

"That's the twenty-fifth time this week," Captain Unohana said sadly.

"I know. Captain Zaraki is really going through those new recruits quickly," Isane replied.

"Alright. Take me to him," Retsu said with a sigh, gracefully rising from her chair and following Isane out the door.

Lately, the Squad Four barracks had been getting shinigami so wounded that only the captain had been able to heal them. Since Squad Eleven just got in a new batch of recruits and the patients had been occasionally moaning "Captain Zaraki.." over and over again, it was assumed that it was Kenpachi Zaraki causing the problems.

When they arrived at the bed that held the severely injured shinigami, even with the centuries of experience, Retsu felt the urge to cringe. The man lying in the bed was covered in so much blood he looked more like he had been mauled by a bear than training. His chest looked like it had been ripped open from all the cuts and his neck looked like it had been twisted at an odd angle though, he was still barely breathing.

"Oh, dear," Unohana said in a worried tone. She immediately set to work, using healing kido to repair damage to his lungs and heart. Afterward rapping his body in so many bandages he looked like a mummy. She then gave him some medicine that would sedate him so she could twist his neck back into place and put a neck brace on him.

"Alright, I think I'm going to go have a word with Captain Zaraki. Isane, watch over the barracks while I'm gone," Said Unohana in her quiet and kind tone. Several of the shinigami in the room immediately went pale at the phrase "I'm going to go have a word with Captain Zaraki." As soon as Captain Unohana left the room, whispers began to fly.

"Oh my gosh! Captain Unohana is going to kill Captain Zaraki!"

"Captain Unohana is so scary!'"

"Get a bed ready for Captain Zaraki."

"IT'S THE END OF THE WORLD!"

As Retsu Unahana gracefully strolled into the squad 11 barracks, several fights that had been going on stopped and shinigami openly stared as Captain Unohana walked right up to Kenpachi. He had just struck down a poor recruit who had been foolish enough to volunteer for a demonstration. Kenpachi had his eye patch off and his hair down without any of the usual bells in them. His spiritual pressure would have crushed a normal person but as we all know, Captain Unohana is far from normal. He appeared to be in a very bad mood.

"Captain Zaraki! I am tired of your foolish behavior. Your always sending us so many of your own comrades, There is no reason for such behavior." she hissed in her quiet voice.

"I can't help it that no one here is strong enough to fight me, Unohana. What are you gonna do about it anyway?" He replied in a very disrespectable manner. "You gonna fight me?" He added as an afterthought with a grin on his face.

Unohana didn't reply, she simply drew her zanpakto.

"All right! Finally! this should be a good fight!"

Quite a crowd had gathered around the surrounding area with eager looks on their faces. Some even pulled out cameras they had brought back from the living world.

Kenpachi had taken up a stance while Retsu just stood there with her zanpakto hanging limply by her side.

"Show me what you got Unohana!" yelled Kenpachi as he lunged at her. She didn't move from where she was standing. She simply whispered the most terrifying word she could have ever said. "Bankai."

Immediately Kenpachi dropped to the ground with a yell of agony. He was completely drenched in blood with cuts upon broken bones upon ripped off and burnt flesh covering his entire body. Sheathing her zanpakto Retsu, walked over to where he was on the ground yelling, as if he were being tortured.

"My Bankai takes every injury I have ever healed and inflicts them onto my opponents. Of course I have to decide how much damage I want to do because if I didn't control my power and simply inflicted you with every wound I had ever healed you, would be dead," She said with a cold smile on her face. "You are feeling about one sixteenth of my power. When you regain your ability be moved without dying, have someone take you to squad four and we will fix you up. I better not hear of you hurting any more fellow shinigami again, Captain Zaraki, or I'll have to kill you. Have a pleasant day.," she finished with her a gentle but cold smile.

Squad Eleven members immediately flocked him. "That was the most agonizing moment of my life. She took me on while I was at full power and without even moving from where she was standing, defeated me." He, said with an odd look on his face that almost looked dreamy.

"We will kill her and every member of her squad, Captain! We will get revenge!"

"Don't you dare touch her or anyone in squad four!" Kenpachi barked at his squad.

"Yes, let the Captain get his own revenge on Captain Unohana," stated Ikkaku.

"That's not what I was thinking," Zaraki whispered. There was a lot of confusion going on around him but, he just closed his eyes and let a goofy smile slide across his face.

'I think I'm in love.'

lol, i know this is kinda ooc, but i hope everyone thought it was kinda funny. Please review! It only takes a second!