Summary: After seeing ads for "Won's Book of Angst", Rock was convinced the product was a sham, as he felt it was misleading guys in the path of picking up chicks. To counter this, he makes his own video lecture on how to be a bad boy the RIGHT way, only to be interrupted by an unexpected guest. Oneshot.
Disclaimer: All Your Harvest Moon Are Belong to Marvelous Interactive and Natsume.
Rock's Guide to Being a Player
Somewhere in an undisclosed location, a blonde-haired kid with tan skin wearing a light blue vest, a shiny pendant, and white pants was filming himself in response to an infomercial he viewed with disgust some unspecified time ago…
Hello, ladies! It's me! Rock, the one and only! The slick, suave, playboy that won't work for nobody!
I'm sure plenty of my fans, dudes and dudettes alike, have been following my infamous exploits as recorded by my main man and possible stalker, so you know what I've been up to. I'm on my way to making to the big time, baby!
There's just one thing that really got my goat while I was sitting back and chillaxing with the tube while I was on my journey to make my name known all around the world:
Some lying infomercial that had some Chinese salesman claming he holds the secret to becoming the kind of guy the ladies dig in one convenient commercial package.
Man, when I saw what it was he had to sell, I had to do something. His package of crap is a sack of lies!
Seriously, the key to scoring is being some High Class Captain Killjoy that doesn't even have an eye for the ladies? They get bored of that kind of square when they finally wise up! There's no way he'd get anything beyond a one-night stand if all he doesn't primp up for the ladies!
Take it from an Ace like Rock. You're better off aiming to be a Class A Tripple Threat than some One-Hit Wonder like your average Broody McEmopants. Sure you got your troubled cowboys, your sickly Elvis impersonators, and your jackass blacksmiths, but in the long run, how can their worlds of grey compare to a whole world of color capable of dancing, martial arts, and 1st class good looks like yours truly?
It's all about style.
Buds like my good man, Phantom Thief Skye? He knows what it's it all about.
Sure he wears purple pants and spouts cheesy lines like nobody's business, but he's got the style to make it happenin'! Besides, I bet he's wise enough to make sure those purple pants of his are leather, cuz' there's nothing more potent than leather pants!
I'll say it again:
Being some stick-in-the-mud who can't socialize just won't do it in the long run. You got to learn to communicate! To schmooze! To charm like you've never charmed before?
Hey, I'm not closed-minded enough to ignore something "geek-chique" like the Anime fandom. I've taken a look at some of the fanworks myself.
Notice all those fanarts of the brooding boys the ladies seem to go for?
A lot of them have them suddenly break out of the brood and awaken their inner ladies' man.
See that? The fan ladies may not realize it themselves, but they're really all about the romantics in the end: the bona fide smooth criminals. Get where I'm going here?
When push comes to shove, they're just not going to get that from Broody McEmopants dream boys and move on to the guys who can give them the time of their life.
And that's where you come in if you wise up!
No need to be a jerk! Be a playa!
Go ahead and show off your "nice side" if it doesn't amount to showing off your "loser side"!
You can trust your old pal, Rock, for advice!
Some of you still think of me as that old dum-dum from Forget-Me-Not Valley, but I've moved on and wised up.
You think I'm not making it big? Think again!
A few years ago, I trumped that chump, Mayor Thomas, when he revealed to me that he stole the powers of the Witch Princess!
And a few weeks after that? I totally curbstomped Rick, the self-proclaimed King of Evil, in his home turf at Mineral Town!
Don't get me started on that time I wiped the floor with Dan! And he's a fellow ladies' man!
Got that? I've got a whole lot going for me, and you can too!
You've got to show up the sourpuss if you're going for the gold!
H-hey! Hold on! YOU? What are you doing here?
The Camera is suddenly turned over to focus on a light-blond young man with a stuck-up expression wearing a fancy white suit.
I suppose my colleague has a point.
This Won fellow's products are hopelessly misleading, but there's more to it than that.
Of course being a total asshole won't do it, but trying to emulate a buffoon like him will only make you come off foolish.
What it truly comes down to is possessing class and dignity.
Even if you come off arrogant, a dignified man will earn far more respect than some haughty peacock, and have far more leeway to work with than some hopeless brooder who can only work wonders with the hormones.
Perhaps even a cliché'd "White Prince" like my associate William has some value to women in this day and age.
As nice and cheesy as he is, the man still has manners.
Though his naiveté tends to worry me from time to time.
Still, it's all about taking honor to it's practical extremes.
Why "screw the rules" if it will end up screwing you over in the end?
Why be a rebel when there's nothing of interest to rebel against?
As long as you're not acting upon honor before reason, you will achieve respect.
I'm convinced people these days forget just how important "respect" actually plays a role in a relationship.
Luna may be a half-pint brat, and Angela may be some uncouth city girl, but I can attest to the fact that there is at least some quality within each girl is blessed with I can earnestly admire…
…even if it is to my embarrassment.
But you all see my point, I assume?
It shouldn't be all about excessive buffoonery or treating your lady like utter crap.
It's all about maintaining one's dignity to earn their heart and-
Before the interloper could finish his speech, the camera was knocked out of his hands by Rock. For a brief moment, the camera captured an image of a bottled beverage with the words "Rock's POV" on the label before hitting the floor and automatically zooming out, showing both Rock and the mysterious man staring each other down face to face.
"What the hell was that all about? This was MY message to the masses you were cutting in on, Gill!" Rock complained.
"Well, it needed fixing because it was WRONG," Gill scoffed.
"You're just acting all high and mighty because our Master always favored you, right? He never liked how I added my own spin on things, and kept on praising how you stuck to the traditional form? So what? My phat beats and smooth moves make our fighting smooth look way cooler than it ever did before!" Rock argued.
The haughty stiff laughed at his more contemporary colleague.
"It makes you look stupid, that's what it does!" Gill mocked.
"That's it!" Rock shouted.
The two blondes glared daggers at each other until the two were ready to settle their differences.
Unfortunately, neither noticed the blinking battery light on the camera.
"I'm not the same chump you trained with all those years ago! With all the experience I've gained up to this point, I am now Rock the Almighty! You're just some nerdy noodle boy!" Rock proclaimed, "Take this!"
Out of desperation, Rock charged forward with his elbow aiming for Gill's face, only for the political progeny to stand still, completely unfazed.
"Predictable," Gill uttered coolly.
Timing his movement with precision, Gill stepped to the side, causing Rock to lose his balance, then he moved in and grabbed Rock by the waist, and finished by delivering a brutal body slam.
Refusing to yield to his rival, Rock rolled back and picked himself up in an instant, ready to continue the brawl.
"Come now. After having faced me before, I wouldn't think you'd sorely underestimate old "Nerdy Noodle Boy"…" Gill taunted.
"Repuken!"
Without much time to respond, Gill was smacked with chi-infused gale.
"How about that, hot shot?" Rock taunted.
Despite the landed blow, Gill simply shrugged it off as if it was of little consequence.
"Let's see if you really have learned anything after all these years…" Gill asked as he became increasingly interested in their personal fight.
This time, Rock rushed forward with his battle aura in full throttle. He felt there was no use holding back against a foe as powerful as the one before him, and so he prepared to give him his signature beatdown that incorporated all his fancy footwork.
"Are you ready for a little smackdown, "Deadly Rave" style?" Rock smirked.
"Likely more than you are prepared to face some turbulent weather ala "Raging Storm", Gill smirked in turn.
Just as the two were about to clash in the ultimate confrontation, the battery light blinked erratically, until it finally fizzled out.
To this day, no one but those two caught on camera knew how their fight turned out…