I am Lord Voldemort: Evil Overlord

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Note: Peter's Evil Overlord List is copyrighted, and can be found in its entirety at (or you could google peter's evil overlord list, or whatever your preferred search engine is)...

Summary: Lord Voldemort found and read Peter's Evil Overlord List©, a.k.a. The Top 100 Things I'd Do If I Ever Became an Evil Overlord…..and took it to heart.

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Number 5: The artifact which is the source of my power will not be kept on the Mountain of Despair beyond the River of Fire guarded by the Dragons of Eternity. It will be in my safe-deposit box. The same applies to the object which is my one weakness.

"See, Potter! Even Dumbledore would be hard-pressed to locate my Horcruxes now!"

Number 6: I will not gloat over my enemies' predicament before killing them.

"Damn it! This takes all the fun out of my job!"

Number 7: When I've captured my adversary and he says, "Look, before you kill me, will you at least tell me what this is all about?" I'll say, "No." and shoot him. No, on second thought I'll shoot him then say "No."

"Tell me, Tom, what scheme have you concocted this time?"

"Avada Kedavra! Screw you, Dumbledore!"

Number 10: I will not interrogate my enemies in the inner sanctum - a small hotel well outside my borders will work just as well.

"Death Eaters, take these prisoners to the interrogation chambers. And remember, the ones in France, not the basement!"

Number 11: I will be secure in my superiority. Therefore, I will feel no need to prove it by leaving clues in the form of riddles or leaving my weaker enemies alive to show they pose no threat.

"Friends, we have stolen Voldemort's journal that contains the locations for his Horcruxes! Now, armed with this knowledge, we are that much closer to defeating him!"

"Headmaster, I think you should take another look at this before making such sweeping statements."

"Of course, you are quite right Severus. Let us see….. 'Dumbledore, did you really think I was that stupid?'"

Number 12: One of my advisers will be an average five-year-old child. Any flaws in my plan that he is able to spot will be corrected before implementation.

"My Lord?"

"We shall have to return to the drawing board before we attempt to infiltrate Hogwarts. It seems as though the child has discovered a flaw in our approach. Now, I suggest that we alter the plans to include a simultaneous assault on Hogsmead, the Ministry, and Diagon Alley. The Aurors will be split and with the chaos at each location, so we can take advantage of…."

Number 16: I will never utter the sentence "But before I kill you, there's just one thing I want to know."

"You know, Potter, I'm curious about something….Avada Kedavra! Oh well, guess I'll never know whether you wore boxers or briefs."

Number 20: Despite its proven stress-relieving effect, I will not indulge in maniacal laughter. When so occupied, it's too easy to miss unexpected developments that a more attentive individual could adjust to accordingly.

"Mwahahahahahaha—gah-COUGH! Hmph, damn, not another hairball."

Number 21: I will hire a talented fashion designer to create original uniforms for my Legions of Terror, as opposed to some cheap knock-offs that make them look like Nazi storm-troopers, Roman foot soldiers, or savage Mongol hordes. All were eventually defeated and I want my troops to have a more positive mind-set.

Take one: "So, my Lord, what look are you going for with your forces? Something dashing to catch the eye, intimidating with a sense of strength, or menacingly terrifying?"

Take two: "Black uniforms are so two seasons ago. Don't you know that lime green is the new black?"

Take three: "Look at it this way. Yes, it has muggle origins, but really, we've lost several recruits in the past week alone because of these damn boots. And don't get me started on the robes. I can't wear them outside and I have to be careful when taking corners. Now, these flat-bottomed sneakers…."

Take four: "Dear Pierre, you and your store The Cutting Edge have been selected in a lottery drawing to design the new uniforms of Lord Voldemort's army. You are required to arrive at [undisclosed location] at 4 pm on the 10th to discuss the specifications of said uniforms, and have at least three viable designs to present to His Lordship by the 20th. Legal disclaimer: We are in no way responsible for your ensuing death if your designs include the following: fur, feathers, beads, sequins, "bling", ruffles, more than one belt, pleather, underwear on the outside, tights, latex, lace, …."

Number 22: No matter how tempted I am with the prospect of unlimited power, I will not consume any energy field bigger than my head.

"Lucius, it's just not going to work. And that glow it's producing doesn't seem magical. Even Severus doesn't have a clue how I'd absorb the Merlin damned thing! We'll move on to the next plan."

Number 24: I will maintain a realistic assessment of my strengths and weaknesses. Even though this takes some of the fun out of the job, at least I will never utter the line "No, this cannot be! I AM INVINCIBLE!" (After that, death is usually instantaneous.)

"Death Eaters, I have heard some of you speaking of confronting the Order and the Ministry. At this point in time, the Ministry and the Order are succeeding in maintaining public morale. As such, recruitment is down. We shall be making several strategic, small-scale strikes, not only to shake the public's confidence in Dumbledore and the Aurors, but to also cause confusion in the ranks and capture key members of the opposition or their families. In this way, we shall regain the upper hand!"

Number 26: No matter how attractive certain members of the rebellion are, there is probably someone just as attractive who is not desperate to kill me. Therefore, I will think twice before ordering a prisoner sent to my bedchamber.

"Decisions, decisions,….male or female? Blond, brunette, redhead? Friend or foe? Hmm…..well, they say blonds have more fun. Lucius!"

Number 28: My pet monster will be kept in a secure cage from which it cannot escape and into which I could not accidentally stumble.

"…and so, we will strike terror into the hearts of the cringing public, and the Ministry will be powerless to stop us. Dumbledore's little phoenixes will tremble in fear, and I will-THUD!"

"My Lord!" "What happened?" "Is he alright?"

"It seems Nagini escaped from her rooms and decided to come see what was causing all the noise."

Number 29: I will dress in bright and cheery colors, and so throw my enemies into confusion.

"I don't know how Dumbledore does this, but I know it works!"

Number 32: I will not fly into a rage and kill a messenger who brings me bad news just to illustrate how evil I really am. Good messengers are hard to come by.

"Oh, Wormtail…"

Number 34: I will not turn into a snake. It never helps.

"My Lord, what happened to your appearance? You look so…different."

"With Severus' help, I created a potion to return me to a more human appearance."

"Of course, my Lord, but Elvis Presley…?"

Number 37: If my trusted lieutenant tells me my Legions of Terror are losing a battle, I will believe him. After all, he's my trusted lieutenant.

"My Lord! The Order and the Aurors are overwhelming us!"

"What!"

Number 39: If I absolutely must ride into battle, I will certainly not ride at the forefront of my Legions of Terror, nor will I seek out my opposite number among his army.

"My Lord, you will lead us into battle?"

"No, Lucius. Dumbledore would expect that. He also expects me to pick a fight with him. Well, we'll show him. This time, I will place myself on the rooftops of Diagon Alley and provide spellfire coverage from above and I will be able to scatter groups of defenders. The sniping should keep them off balance, and Dumbledore won't know what hit him!"

Number 41: Once my power is secure, I will destroy all those pesky time-travel devices.

"By order of His Lordship, Voldemort, the Department of Mysteries is to be disbanded. Destruction of the following items will be commenced once a total accounting has come to a close: prophecies, time-turners,…"

Number 52: I will hire a team of board-certified architects and surveyors to examine my castle and inform me of any secret passages and abandoned tunnels that I might not know about.

"My Lord, we have contracted Gringotts to perform a survey of Hogwarts and update the wards. They have promised to find every single entry and exit to the castle, though they did request the presence of either yourself of Nagini for certain portions of their sweep, as they suspect that Lord Slytherin included parselmagic in some of the castle wards."

Number 60: My five-year-old child adviser will also be asked to decipher any code I am thinking of using. If he breaks the code in under 30 seconds, it will not be used. Note: this also applies to passwords.

"My Lord, the child suggests that the following words or phrases be nixed from the password lists: snake, Slytherin, Salazar, Death Eater, Voldemort, serpent, death, blood, die Dumbledore, kill Potter, deception, traitor,…"

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Note: Peter's Evil Overlord List is copyrighted, and can be found in its entirety at /lists/overlord (or you could google peter's evil overlord list, or whatever your preferred search engine is.