I am absolutely delighted with the way this one-shot turned out. It makes me so unbelievably happy. Anyway, I thoroughly enjoyed writing it and exploring the mind of the limited POV character, and I truly hope you all enjoy reading this. Yes, It is meant to be utterly ridiculous.
I had my sister read this to me. I usually get her to read my stuff out loud so I know what it sounds like from another reader's perspective. It helps me know that I am saying exactly what I mean to say. Anyway, she picked it up, read the first line silently, and then began reading aloud in the darkest, deepest, most scary-storyesque voice I have ever heard for the entire story, excluding the dialogue. I laughed for hours. Try it. Try reading it as if it were a horror story.
I don't think I should even bother disclaiming. The fact that I do not own FMA is fairly obvious.
R&R.
Set after 108.
Now... Without much further ado...
The Bestial Thing
The Bestial Thing was smiling. IT was simply smiling and speaking and sitting contentedly as the strange metal monster moved past those big stone boxes the humans lived in and trees and other strange metal monsters.
He was not stupid. He knew he had been played. He had once thought The Bestial Thing was nice (IT always gave him treats, after all), but now his eyes were opened.
He had not missed the way His Darling had limped, and he knew The Bestial Thing had hurt her in some way. He had not missed the way IT had held His Darling close to IT's side, practically forcing her to lean on IT as she hobbled along. He had not missed the way IT had eyed His Darling hungrily. He had not missed the way IT had let IT's arms linger around His Darling after feeding him and her to the strange metal monster.
But only he realized that he had been played like a puppy, which he was, but that was beside the point. His Darling had been completely deceived by The Bestial Thing. Even as she sat in the strange metal monster she was making that human noise that meant she was happy. The one that made her chest, shoulders and stomach shake and made her close her eyes and throw her head back. His Darling was blind to IT's true intentions.
Of course, he had not idea what those intentions were, but he was certain they weren't good.
The strange metal monster stopped moving and growling and let out a long hiss.
His Darling pulled some sort of shiny latch on the stomach wall of the strange metal monster. He heard a click.
"Whoa!" The Bestial Thing, to his amazement, opened the strange metal monster, stepped outside, closed the metal monster, ran around to the side where he and His Darling were sitting, and opened another hole in the strange metal monster.
He jumped out so he could help His Darling out of the car as soon as possible, but much to his horror, The Bestial Thing had already begun to reach into the strange metal monster and wrap ITs heinous limbs around His Darling.
"Brigadier General, Sir, I can easily get out on my own."
"With an ankle like that? Be serious, Hawkeye! It's swollen!"
The humans were making incoherent noises again. Why couldn't they just bark like dogs and grow tails and long ears so they could communicate? Why didn't they realize how simple that would be?
"Fine. Get out on your own, but if you slip again, I'm not helping you up."
"Thank you, Sir. You're so kind."
The Bestial Thing began to withdraw from the strange metal monster and, much to his delight, hit ITs head on the hard dermal shell.
"Ow!"
"Sir! Are you alright?" His Darling gingerly stood and reached for The Bestial Thing.
"I'm fine. I–" The Bestial Thing stumbled back a bit.
"You're dizzy, Sir. You should get that checked out as soon as–"
"I do not want to hear that from you, Major. After we saw that your apartment had been flooded due to a freak pipe explosion, I was all for taking you to the infirmary, but you just had to dig your heels in. I'm not going until you go."
"I'll go tomorrow."
"And you say I procrastinate."
"I simply will not go there at night."
"Why not?"
"Dr. Womac is on duty."
"What does that have to do with anything?"
"He's a pervert and I can't exactly run away right now, much less walk."
"You carry several firearms."
"All of which I'm required to leave at the infirmary door."
"...Oh yeah." The Bestial Thing scratched ITs head. "At least my alternative suggestion seems to be working fine."
He lost interest in trying to interpret the human words and, sensing no present fear or danger, decided to inspect the area.
The Bestial Thing had brought ITs hostages to a very strange place. The giant stone box was surrounded by some very lovely and lush grass, which was not unusual, but the grass was surrounded by some tall metal bars which were set into the ground and were far too tall to jump over. Was he expected to squeeze through? But how could he ever fit through such a narrow space?
He eventually gave up and began sniffing the ground and the surrounding areas. Finding nothing out of the ordinary other than the bars and a very peculiar picture (it had depicted a fellow canine with a line through it) on the next stone box over, he pranced over to where The Bestial Thing was opening a section of the bars and ushering His Darling through. He realized with a slow, sickening feeling that the true danger was inside. He decided to lay low until he could figure out how to approach the emminent battle.
He stuck close to The Bestial Thing's heels as he followed IT into the big stone box and into a smaller metal box. The metal boxes always amazed him. He could never see out, so he had no idea how it worked, but the metal box would rumble and shake and then suddenly open with a loud "ding" and he would find himself in an entirely new place.
"Third floor. This is our stop."
After a short walk in the dark, he was walking into a big space that was at least twice the size of his home.
"Sit down on the couch. I'll get some ice."
He watched the Bestial Thing disappear behind one of those wooden swinging planks (he thought they were ridiculous. All they did was keep people and dogs from coming and going through holes in the wall freely). In a few moments, The Bestial Thing returned bearing a bag of blocks. He never could figure out why humans chose to freeze water into blocks. That practice made drinking so difficult.
"I think I have one of those new All Cotton Elastic bandages somewhere..." The Bestial Thing left again and returned shortly.
He stared as the Bestial Thing began to unravel what appeared to be a very long, flat rope.
The Bestial Thing was going to tie up His Darling!
Something had to be done.
He jumped at the Bestial Thing's legs and started biting at the cloth hanging there.
"Hey! Stop that!"
"Hayate!"
It was working! The Bestial Thing was losing ITs balance! Just a little more and...
BAM!
The Bestial Thing fell down, ITs legs stretched out. But IT was still sitting up. He had not yet won this fight. He lunged and pounced on ITs chest. The Bestial Thing lay on the floor.
He had won! He had conquered The Bestial Thing! Triumphantly, he sat on ITs chest and barked to let His Darling know the good news.
Now he faced a bigger predicament. He was sitting atop a dying Beast that was much to big to move away, but if he left The Bestial Thing there, His Darling would surely trip over the carcass. There was only one option: He had to consume The Bestial Thing.
He was loathe to partake in such a distasteful task, but it was for the best. He decided to taste The Bestial Thing before taking a bite, just to know what he was in for. Tentatively, he leaned over ITs face... and licked.
Not half bad. He licked again.
To his amazement, The Bestial Thing began to make the happy human noise, though ITs happy human noise was much deeper than His Darling's happy human noise. He was absolutely awed by the fact that that sort of sound could in fact emerge from the throat of such a Beast.
He licked IT once more, trying to decide whether he should begin at the head or the feet or the stomach.
"Hey!" IT pushed his face away and tried to sit up. He pushed it back down and walked around in a few circles to emphasize that he was the victor.
"Hayate, Heel!"
He happlily pranced over to her and sat at her feet. Smiling with tongue out (he was exhausted and needed to cool off from his battle), he waited for a treat for slaughtering The Bestial Thing. Instead, His Riza slowly bent down and rubbed his head, which he decided was just as fine as any treat.
"I guess he just wanted to play."
He turned around and saw to his horror that The Bestial Thing had risen from the dead and was standing quite easily.
He had failed. Like lightning, he went to hide so His Riza could not see his shame.
"He does, doesn't he? Hayate, I'm sorry. I can't play right now."
He buried his face in his paws. How could he have failed? The Bestial Thign was down! How did IT stand up again?
"I'll wrap this up. Alright..."
His Riza rested her head on her knee. The Bestial Thing slowly wrapped the long flat rope around her ankle before securing it with two small shiny objects.
"You know, you don't have to call another female officer in the morning. You could just stay here until your pipes are fixed and your apartment building has been drained."
"Sir, there are–"
"And don't give me any crap about fraternization laws. Those have been abolished."
"When?"
"Yesterday. The Führer called me to let me know." The Bestial Thing shook ITs head. "That man. I never know what he is thinking. First he wants me to marry his granddaughter, then he tells me about the end of the fraternization laws as if he's hinting at something."
"All the more reason to leave, Sir."
"What?"
"If the Führer wants you to marry his granddaughter so badly, won't he be pu off by the present arrangement?"
"Who cares? That's hardly an issue here!"
"Why are you pushing this?"
The Bestial Thing looked up and froze.
He watched with interested at His Darling and The Bestial Thing stared at each other, their faces only inches apart.
"Riza..." IT slowly reached up and gently brushed her cheek.
"Roy..."
Something was wrong with His Riza. He could hear it in her voice.
"God, Riza..." The Bestial Thing roughly grabbed the back of His Riza's neck and...
NO! THE BESTIAL THING WAS EATING HIS RIZA'S FACE!
He jumped up next to His Darling so he could pull her back, but The Bestial Thing outwitted him by pulling His Darling off her seat and into ITs lap. He turned and looked for an angle at which he could leap at The Bestial Thing without hurting His Darling in the process.
"Where's your bedroom?"
"You move fast."
"I'm not a patient woman. I've been waiting too long for this."
The Bestial Thing clumsily picked up His Darling and stood, carrying her away.
The Bestial Thing was easily toppled, but if he struck now, IT would drop His Darling. IT couldn't carry her forever. He followed The Bestial Thing closely. IT made ITs way to one of the swinging pieces of wood and tried to open it. In a few moments he would be able to attack and then–
The swinging piece of wood slammed quite sharply into his nose, cutting him off from His Darling, who was now forever in the unmerciful clutches of The Bestial Thing.
He was a failure.
He lay down, buried his head in his paws, and whined.
To those of you who did not know, the All Cotton Elastic bandage is most commonly known as the...wait for it...ACE bandage. Yes, the ACE stands for All Cotton Elastic. It was contrived sometime in 1913 and actually became a public product in 1918. I hate using anachronisms, but I figured that FMA uses quite a few of those (like a Browning existing in 1914) so one more wouldn't hurt. Thus, in the FMA universe, ACE bandages existed in 1915.
No, I am not that much of a freak. My history teacher simply made me memorize a horribly long list of patents sophomore year and I am still suffering the effects.
Please R&R!