Another installment of ADKOD, and more angst, sadness and misunderstanding. This one's focused on Dean and John, and their relationship. This is all Supernatural, no ideas taken from my life. My dad's pretty cool, although we have our arguments.

I know Dad tries. He really does. He tries to do what's right by me and Sam. He just doesn't know what he's actually doing. He doesn't know that by denying Sam's condition, he's hurting us more than he could ever understand. That by treating him like he treats me, he's not helping anything at all. He just makes everything so much worse.

He does it all the time. When he comes home from a hunt, Sam will come up to him and hug him, ask him where he was. He doesn't know yet, and he never will. I can't put that burden on him when he barely understands how to talk to people. Dad just brushes him off, walks past him. Sam always looks so hurt afterwards. He asked me once if Dad loves him. I had a massive argument with Dad that night.

He doesn't want it to be true. He wanted everything to be as normal as it can get. But he doesn't realize that he can't have that, no matter how much he tries to make it so. He can't keep doing this to Sammy, because he's hurting him so much. Me too. Whenever Dad yells as Sammy for something he couldn't help, whenever he pushes Sam away, it hurts me too. It hurts me to think that Dad can't see what's right in front of his eyes.

I hate the word retard. The last person to call Sam that was nearly in hospital. Except Dad. I can't hit Dad, because he always wins. I'm not strong enough to beat him, and he knows it. He calls Sam a retard when he gets angry and when they have fights. I can't believe he does that. I can't believe that he would hurt Sam like that, or me. Sam doesn't really know what retard means, but I do. And every time Dad says it, it's like he's punching me in the face. But he's so blind to everything that involves Sam that he can't see it.

At first, I put up with it. I yelled at him, sure, but I knew he was trying to get over Mum's death. I knew he was trying to cope, and when everything had to change for us, he couldn't deal with it. He couldn't deal with another problem in the family. But when it didn't stop, I knew Dad just couldn't help himself anymore. It was like a conditioned response. He couldn't get himself out of this hole of verbally abusing Sammy. It was how he dealt with hunting, and Mum's death. But that isn't an excuse anymore. It's been eleven years since she died, and even I've mostly gotten over it. I know it's different for Dad. But that doesn't mean he can yell at Sam and call him names. He can't do that.

One time he told Sam that he was ashamed to have a retarded kid like him. That's when I knew that there was nothing I could do that would help Dad change. If he couldn't help himself, he was never going to get better. He was never going to be able to love Sammy. I'm sure he loves him, but not in the same way he loves me. It's different, because Sam's different.

Dad needs help. Help that I can't give him anymore. He's too far gone in his hole of regret and self-loathing for me to help him. He needs to realise that if he continues on the path he's on now, he's going to lose not one, but both sons.

I love Dad. I love him with everything I am, just like Sammy. But I can't live in the same house as someone who yells at Sam, calls him names and generally can't stand to be around him. If Dad continues to do that, I'm taking Sam. I don't care what the authorities say, or what Dad says. I'll take Sam, and we'll run away to somewhere we're safe. Safe from Dad.

I love Dad, and I love Sam. I don't want to have to choose between the two, but everyday Dad's drifting away from us and forcing my decision. Every day he gets worse, and every day I remind myself that all it takes is one major slip up, and we're gone like the wind. I don't know if Dad would even care if Sam was gone. He'd look for me, for sure, but I don't know if he' be happy Sam was gone. That's how well I know my father now.

I've made my promise. Dad only has to make one more mistake and Sam and I will disappear forever. And he'll have no one to blame but himself.