Title: Parenting 101

Author: Spider

Pairing, Character(s): Mr. and Mr. Berry, Rachel, Kurt, Burt

Rating: PG

Warnings: Homophobic language

Spoilers: Wheels

Disclaimer: I'd say this belonged to Fox and not me, except she claims it's not hers either...

Summary: Hiram and Leroy Berry are very good dads. They would do anything for their daughter.

Word Count: 739

Notes: Just because you're gay doesn't mean you're automatically going to support every other gay man out there.

This was written for a what-if idea that refused to leave my head. It is not a feel-good fic.

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PARENTING 101

Hiram and Leroy Berry were good dads. And like all good dads, their worlds revolved around the shining star that was their child. When Rachel was happy, they were happy. When Rachel was sad, they were sad. And when Rachel came home in tears because her talent-blind idiot of a show choir teacher took away her solo, a solo of a song she loved, a song she identified with, a song that meant so much to her, after promising she could have it, they knew without question that they would do whatever it took to dry her tears and bring back her thousand-watt smile.

As she sat between them, cradling a glass of water in her hands and choking out her story about how the gay kid, Kurt Hummel, got his father to threaten to sue the school in exchange for a chance to audition (and he'd win, because he was more popular, even if he did tell the club to vote for whoever sang better (which would be Rachel)), Hiram and Leroy exchanged solemn looks over her dark head, nodding their agreement. Whatever it took.

They waited for Rachel to leave the house on her evening jog around the parks before pulling out their matching Macbooks. A quick Yellowbooks search for Hummels in Lima, Ohio, gave them two results: Jessica and Burt Hummel. Neither had any other name associated with them (Kurt himself wouldn't have showed up, being a minor), and since Rachel had specified Kurt's father was in the picture, that meant Burt Hummel was the best option.

The men weren't just going to call Burt, though. First, they needed to do some research. Soon enough, they had turned up all the information they needed to know. Burt Hummel owned Hummel Tires and Lube, over on Central and Market. He had lost his wife about ten years ago, and her obituary confirmed that he had a son of the right age. Even better, a photo of the man from when he took over the shop (Local Garage Under New Management read the accompanying article) showed a burly man in flannel and a trucker hat, a five o'clock shadow on his chin. He was the very image of Lima's stereotypical manly man and very likely had a matching homophobic streak.

Hiram and Leroy closed their Macbooks together and looked at each other. "You do it," Hiram said. "Your voice sounds more dangerous."

"You tell me what to say," Leroy answered.

They spent all night working on the perfect script, drawing from their own experiences. It had to be short and to the point. It had to be effective. It had to hit the Hummels hard enough to knock the boy off his game. And it had to be timed perfectly.

When Rachel flounced in after school the next day, the Berry dads were surprised to see her. Usually, she spent the afternoon practicing in the choir room or the auditorium, where neighbors couldn't complain about her volume. "I couldn't," she huffed. "Tina and Artie were using the auditorium, and Kurt locked me out of the choir room."

Kurt was at school. Hiram and Leroy looked at each other and nodded again. He couldn't be there to answer the phone. When Rachel went into her room and turned up her music, Leroy picked up the phone and dialed the number for the auto shop.

Hummel Tires and Lube, a gruff voice answered.

"Are you Burt Hummel?" Leroy grumbled, trying to make his voice as deep and big as he could.

Yep, who's this?

Leroy met Hiram's eyes. "Your son's a fag." Short, simple, and straight to the point. He hung up before Burt could reply, giving Hiram another nod. "It's out of our hands now."

The next day, Rachel had no trace of tears in her face. She had won the audition after all, because Kurt's voice had broken over that high F he had been so insistent he could reach. "I really shouldn't gloat over my fellow glee clubber's humiliation," Rachel informed her fathers, "but in that moment, he was my competition, and I felt so vindicated to see him knocked off his high horse! He thinks he's queen of the school, but really, he's no better than any of the rest! And Defying Gravity is now mine to sing!"

Leroy and Hiram exchanged another glance and smiled. When Rachel was happy, they were happy. Whatever it took.