Psyche Awareness

Merlin was worried. Despite the fact that King Uther had recently been attacked by an angry knight back from the grave both the King and his son had lessened their vendetta against magic. In fact, they had almost stopped it. No one had been arrested for magic in weeks and Merlin was starting to relax to the point where Gaius had to take him aside and tell him never to lose vigilance.

Gaius can be such a spoilt-sport sometimes, Merlin thought. But he could see the truth in Gaius' words. Although Arthur would probably have mentioned some big project that was going to happen as an attempt to be rid of some known sorcerers there could easily be something big that Uther was planning that even Arthur didn't know about. What if Uther was secretly trying to find a way to get people to tell the truth, even if they didn't want to? Merlin knew his imagination could get away from him sometimes and that this was probably not possible without the use of magic in the first place but that didn't stop Merlin lying awake at night thinking about it.

Another thing that worried Merlin at the moment was the severe lack of duties that he had. Both Gaius and Arthur seemed to be giving him a break, not out of kindness or consideration but just because there was nothing to do. Arthur spent most of his days training with his knights, almost as vigilantly as he did when a tournament was coming up but as far as Merlin knew nothing of the sort was happening in the near future. Merlin was vaguely aware that Arthur had had a 'moment' with his father, to which he had come out of smiling. When Merlin had asked what had made him so happy Arthur had only just brushed him off, dismissing him for the day in an unnaturally light way.

This had been happening for a few days now. Merlin would do a few minor tasks, like get the Prince's breakfast and clean his room before being dismissed. So Merlin had been stuck doing absolutely nothing. He couldn't even practice his magic, as Gaius wouldn't let him.

'You're supposed to keep your gift a secret Merlin,' Gaius had scolded him. 'And yet you want to practice magic right in the middle of the one place you can get killed for using it.'

Merlin knew he meant well, but he simply couldn't understand what it was like to have magic like Merlin's. If he didn't use it for a while it would burst out of him, usually without Merlin even noticing until something had been broken or moved to somewhere it didn't belong (Gaius didn't believe him when he had said he didn't have any idea how Gaius' book on Anatomy had ended up in the bucket of water they use to bathe in).

Merlin sat up on his bed, making a decision. Gaius had banned him from practising any magic in the castle, so he guessed he had better just find somewhere outside the castle where he could practice however he wanted. Getting up Merlin collected a satchel; put some sprigs of herbs in it to make it look like he was out to collect ingredients for Gaius and put his magic book right down at the bottom. Tying his neckerchief around his neck he left Gaius' chambers and headed for the forest on the outskirts of Camelot.

Merlin walked casually through the castle and into the town, saying hello to several people as he passed them.

'Merlin? Where are you off to then?' Merlin turned to see Gwen smiling at him.

'Just to the forest, Gaius needs some supplies.' Gwen nodded.

'Arthur keeping you busy?'

Merlin shrugged. 'Actually, no. He hasn't given me much to do for ages,'

Gwen's eyebrows rose in her surprise. 'Really, that's unusual for Arthur. He isn't ill or something is he? Not that I'm saying Arthur would only be kind if he was ill, I'm just assuming that maybe that's why he hasn't given you anything to do. Although of course you'd probably already know why Arthur hasn't given you anything and -'

'Gwen,' interrupted Merlin, smiling. 'It's alright. I don't know why Arthur hasn't been giving me any extra tasks to do. All he does is train now.'

Gwen looked thoughtful. 'That is unusual, then. Well I had better get going, see you Merlin.'

'Bye,' Merlin watched her walk away before continuing, passing stalls full of meat and bread and people shouting their wares to customers. Ealdor was nothing like Camelot, and at first the change had unnerved Merlin. But now he felt more at home here than he ever did in Ealdor. Passing under the high archway into the outskirts of Camelot Merlin smiled at the guards, who by now recognised him and headed for a denser part of the forest. He didn't want to go in too far, aware of bandits and raiders in the forest but he was looking for a certain spot he knew of that could obscure him from the view of a passer-by. Disappearing into the foliage Merlin walked until he was faced with some brambles. With a quick glance around Merlin's eyes flashed and the brambles seemed to peel away from each other, making a space just big enough for a thin man to walk through. Perfect for Merlin of course.

As Merlin reappeared on the other side he smiled at his new spot. Sunlight dappled the ground as it streamed through the trees' canopy above and the perimeter of the whole area was enclosed by brambles. There was no way anyone would find Merlin in here unless they climbed a tree. Plodding over to the middle of the clearing Merlin sat down and opened his book. Just the action of being able to open his book without looking over his shoulder to see if anyone was coming into his room was pleasure enough and Merlin's smile stayed fixed as Merlin browsed through the book.

He stopped on a page that detailed how to turn an inanimate object into something else, like 'a cup into a bowl' the book gave as an example. Merlin knew that this spell could do much more than that, having changed a statue of a dog into an actual dog with it but he wondered why anyone would want to change a bowl into a cup when it was much easier just to get a cup. Merlin turned the pages once again and stopped on a page that caught his attention.

'Psyche Awareness
Psyche awareness is the general awareness of the magic-user's surroundings. It enables the magic-user to be prepared for any attacks and/or manipulation from outside forces. However this ability requires large amounts of practice and concentration as the magic-user must expand their consciousness outside the limits of their physical body into the world beyond. The best way to practice this ability is to sit in a calm quiet area and meditate; calming both the thoughts and emotions inside the magic-user before carefully expanding their conscious outside the body. Magic-users will come in contact with the other consciousness around them, such as nearby animals and/or humans. Be warned that use of this ability can cause a change in appetite.'

Merlin wasn't entirely sure what it meant by 'a change in appetite' but he still wanted to give it a try. Sitting comfortably on the ground Merlin placed the book in front of him and closed his eyes, laying his palms on his knees and taking a deep breath. The book had said to calm all thoughts and emotions – how was he supposed to do that?

At first he tried to just think about nothing, but thoughts like 'this really isn't working' kept interrupting his concentration and he soon gave up on that. Merlin tried another tactic; instead of thinking about nothing Merlin tried to think about each of the emotions he was feeling and come to terms with it. He was content, mostly because he had time for himself right now and Arthur wasn't in any danger (that he was aware of) and he was practising his magic. That was sorted. He was also a bit worried, but that was just from the constant fear of being discovered with his magic that he knew he couldn't escape from so Merlin dismissed that emotion as 'dealt' with. He was also excited, but Merlin knew that was because he was trying something new that had something to do with magic.

Merlin continued in this fashion until he felt suitably calm. Even his hyperactive thoughts had finally calmed and Merlin was just enjoying listening to the birdsong around him. Merlin sat contentedly for a few minutes before remembering what he had to do next. He was supposed to expand his conscious to outside his body – how? Merlin decided to imagine that the boundaries of his mind stopped right at the tip of his fingers and toes, and he could almost feel them more keenly than usual and slowly he pushed outwards, moving his mind from his toes to the ground underneath. Instantly Merlin was overwhelmed by other consciousnesses as he hit a warren underneath him that belonged to a family of rabbits.

He recoiled, rejoining the safety of his mind as sounds of thudding footsteps and thundering heartbeats echoed in his ears. Or at least he thought they were echoing in his ears. Merlin's own heart had sped up and he took a deep breath, calming himself down. Slowly, and more careful this time Merlin sent his mind down into the ground and met the warren of rabbits again. Merlin could feel their small, fast heartbeats almost as if they were his own and could see the images they saw in his mind's eye. He wasn't exactly met with emotions, like he himself would feel but more sensations and impulses than anything else. The rabbit knew that it had to gather food and protect itself, and it knew fear but these were as far as the emotions went.

Merlin moved back into his body and this time sent his mind out through the top of his hair, landing in the foliage where a multitude of birds were nestling. They had settled, now that Merlin had been there so long and Merlin felt the same kind of impulses in the birds as he did in the rabbits, only he felt a strange sense of a stronger keenness – perhaps because the birds had to mostly hunt for their food, compared to the herbivore rabbits and so their brains were more developed into dealing with this. Merlin moved on from the birds' restless minds to the fox nearby that was observing Merlin coolly.

Merlin had always known that there were a lot of animals in the forest, and the sheer number of insects that Merlin could suddenly sense as his mind's boundaries widened further away from his body was alarming. Yet he had never realised, or even thought about the emotions and lives the animals had. Before, they had just been meat. He had always been sympathetic to the animals Arthur killed for sport and the 'thrill of the hunt' but this was something different. These animals had feelings, Merlin wasn't sure he could eat another piece of meat now after learning all of this.

He opened his eyes, blinking in the bright sunlight. In fact, it was nearly gone and Merlin realised just how long he had been sitting there as he stood up, moving stiff muscles. He must have been here for hours; Gaius would be worrying about him. Merlin picked up his book, put it in his satchel and headed back for Camelot. As the process of walking became automatic Merlin's thoughts returned to what he had learnt. Animals felt much more than he had assumed, so what must they feel when they are killed or hunted by humans? Merlin couldn't imagine the fear they would feel as they were being chased by scary looking humans, but it must be similar to the fear that he had felt when his life was in danger.

Gaius opened the door as Merlin got to it and Merlin stopped suddenly, surprised at his appearance.

'Where have you been?' said Gaius. 'You've been gone for hours and I've been looking for you.'

'Err, yeah – sorry.' Said Merlin awkwardly, not wanting to reveal the fact that he had been practising magic. Again. 'I was just walking in the forest and lost track of time.'

Gaius raised his eyebrows in exasperation. 'The forest can be a dangerous place, Merlin. I suggest you don't make a habit of that.'

Merlin nodded solemnly and went to his room, dropping his satchel on his bed and returning to Gaius, who was just beginning to make dinner. His guardian paused however as Merlin came in and sat down at the table, staring off into the distance with a troubled look on his face. 'What is the matter, Merlin?' he asked, sitting down opposite him.

Merlin looked at him and Gaius was surprised to see the uncertainty in his eyes. 'It's nothing, it's just – do animals feel fear?'

'Yes, I suppose they do.' Gaius said. 'Where did this question come from?'

'I was just thinking about it in the forest. I don't like the idea of eating an animal that had been terrified and killed and has feelings just like us.' Merlin said morosely.

'Well, you don't have to eat them.' Gaius said slowly. 'You could just eat vegetables and fruits.' Merlin perked up at the idea.

'Really? Do you think that would work?'

Gaius shrugged. 'Well you certainly can survive without meat, if you need to. But it's a difficult choice, Merlin. Animals contain some substances that the body needs.'

'But couldn't they be replaced with some kind of fruit or something?' asked Merlin eagerly.

'Well … yes they could.' Said Gaius, frowning. 'Are you proposing you are going to become a vegetarian?'

'Is that someone who doesn't eat meat?' said Merlin, confused. When Gaius nodded he grinned. 'Then yes, I will.'

Gaius raised his eyebrows but didn't say anything. He stood up and went back to dinner, which luckily was a vegetable stew anyway tonight so he didn't have to change tonight's meal at least. Merlin smiled to himself, his heart content. He knew he couldn't stop all animal suffering in the world, but at least he could stop any suffering he had caused.