I never owned Twilight. Never have, never will. Such is life. It all goes to Stephenie Meyer. I finally got my inspiration for this chapter, having been road blocked for a week. Inspiration was found in (but not limited to) White Horse by Taylor Swift, my German exam with the Goethe-Institut that I did today, a bottle of nail polish and a tube of lip gloss (flavoured like chocolate fudge brownies). And the Commonwealth Games.

Carlisle thinks: Esme

Esme. The second vampire I created. Who also happens to be my wife. Possibly the most loving, maternal woman I have ever known. Seriously, she adopted Edward as her son, then Rosalie as her daughter and then Emmett. Then Alice and Jasper showed up and she welcomed them too, like they were her long-lost children or been travelling for years. And finally, Bella showed up in Forks and almost from the get-go, Esme adored the human girl who Alice saw in Edward's future. And then she heard that Edward and Bella were getting married and was almost orgasmic with joy… Good times.

I don't know how she manages it: she is just so loving, and so motherly. Not that it's a bad thing, because it partly meant that new additions to our family were quickly integrated. Even Rosalie, who tends to be a sour brat a lot of the time, warmed to Esme and even called her "mom" once or twice. Esme just loves to be called mom, for obvious reasons. Maybe she's a bit too dumb to see that they're all just substitutes? Otherwise, we've all lived together for so long that she really thinks they're all her children. No matter that Edward and Emmett are older than her in one way, Jasper probably is and the girls are still only a bit younger than her. Well, Bella's the youngest. But whatever.

Maybe I should get a pet. One who I wouldn't be tempted to turn into a meal. Hmmm… I like the idea of a pony. Or any other horsey. Maybe with my own horse, I could enter the Olympics and get gold in horse riding in another couple hundred years. As long as the Olympics aren't anywhere sunny, of course… Or I could say the sparkles are just a really magical side effect of a blood disorder. Or that my idiot son glued glitter to my face. The sparkles are so pretty.

Okay, the horse it is. I'm off to go get one.

(Runs from the room, pauses to block his mind and mix his future with the wolves so Alice can't see what he's doing, and goes)

Oooooh, a stable. Nice horseys. That one'll do. It's so pretty. It's like, white. Or grey. Like that song by the blond girl, the one who sings about love and all that. Taylor someone, I think. She looks a bit like Rosalie, but like she would be nicer. Mind you, that wouldn't be hard. But at least she works for her money. Okay, my pretty horsey, let's go home.

(He gets on the horse's back and rides home. Once he gets to the driveway and gets off, then leads the horse inside.)

Hello, family, I'm home! Meet my new pet. Isn't she gorgeous?

Emmett: You brought a snack?

Carlisle: No, you moron. He's my pet! And I'm going to get gold one day riding in the Olympics. So I got this horse as a beginner horse to learn the basics.

Rosalie: You do realize you have to ride exceptionally well to compete in the Olympics? And don't call my husband a moron.

Carlisle: Of course I realize that, you dumb blonde. I have all eternity, don't I?

Jasper: The horse will die one day, you know. Alice, how long do you see this horse living if it's with us?

Alice: About two years. It'll most likely make a snack for one of us one day. And don't call Rosalie a dumb blonde, or she might trash your car.

Rosalie: Now there's an idea.

Carlisle: NO! No, not the car! My books, my clothes, anything but the car.

(Carlisle begins sobbing tearlessly)

Esme: Carlisle, you're an idiot. You've done some stupid things recently-I'm still recovering from the visit from the Volturi, but this is undoubtedly the stupidest thing you've ever done. I don't know what's got into you lately, but either you stop it, or move out. You could even live in the forest-endless food supply and come back to the house sometimes for some company. Either way, this stupidity stops. Now.

Carlisle: (miserably) You want me to move out?

Esme: No, but I want this idiocy to stop. Whatever it takes.

Carlisle: Screw you all then! (to the horse) C'mon. Let's go. You're the only one who understands me around here. I try to be a good person and a good doctor, and I just want to have a bit of fun for once in three and a half freaking centuries, and I get kicked out of my own home for it!

(He gets on the horse which he has now named Carly's Talking Pizza: Pizza for short and rides all around the house. They leave a path of destruction with broken windows, broken ornaments and piles of horse crap randomly all over the place.)

Carlisle: I feel much better for that now. That was quite fun.

Esme: You want fun? I'll give you fun. Alice, Edward?

(They run upstairs and return with all of Carlisle's beloved medical journals and favourite books. They set them all in a pile and take out a pack of matches, and light the books. The books burn quickly and Carlisle has no time to try and save his precious books, so he has to stand and watch them burn.)

Esme: Now I feel much better for that. It was rather.. cathartic. Cleansing. Really, they were piles of junk taking up space.

Carlisle: How could you? My books! Three centuries of books and they're all just a pile of ash and dust now. Did you leave anything?

Alice: Well, this wasn't instructed by Esme, but we did anyway. We left you a few things to read

Esme: You did? Like what?

(Alice and Edward laugh and refuse to say anything. Carlisle runs upstairs to check out what books were left.)

Alice: Look where the desk used to be, under the makeup and mini-skirt.

(Carlisle jumps down the stairs in one jump, smashing the last three. He's holding a rolled-up magazine and Edward and Alice are laughing hysterically)

Carlisle: (shrieking so loudly that no human could hear him) A Playboy magazine? Are you two out of your minds? You call this worthless garbage intelligent reading? Or any kind of reading? Are you crazy? You must be…

Edward: Well, we never called it intelligent reading. Just something to read. And none of us is crazy. Except maybe you.

(Esme gets a thoughtful look on her face and barely manages to conceal her smirk. She doesn't bother to hide her thoughts from Edward, or her plans from Alice.)

Alice: Okay, Esme, I'll get right on it.

(Edward laughs)

Carlisle: My horsey is gone. My family don't understand me. I feel so unloved. I need something to numb the pain. (Looks wildly around the kitchen) Here we go… this should do it.

(He begins to snort icing sugar off the brownies that have magically appeared in front of him on the kitchen bench and starts coughing and choking.)

Bella: I didn't think vampires could get high?

Edward: It would seem they can. Maybe it depends on the substance they try. This is going to be good. Very… entertaining.

(Two minutes later the sugar kicks in and Carlisle begins skipping and dancing around the house, trying his best to mimic the Pussycat Dolls. He then switches to aerobics and leaps around singing "Macho Man" and "YMCA". The rest of his family watches partly in amusement and partly in horror, except for Alice who is hiding and blocking her thoughts by mentally singing Justin Beiber songs.)

Upstairs, Alice is digging through her wardrobe searching for clothes. She finds what she's looking for and races to Carlisle's room to switch. She then proceeds to trash all his clothes and shoes and replaces them with only a few items. After doing this she takes a minute to check the future and dresses up as a giant penguin on stilts.

(Alice then walks downstairs on her stilts, dressed as a penguin. She silently goes straight towards Carlisle and drags him by the elbow to the wardrobe that she edited. She forces the clothes and shoes on him and then subjects him to makeup and hair styling, successfully blocking her thoughts the whole time. Carlisle tries to look in a mirror but she jumps in front of him and smashes the mirror first. She then drop-kicks him down the stairs, smashing another three steps in the process and changes back to her regular clothes, before running downstairs to watch the chaos unfold.

Carlisle's "arrival" downstairs is greeted by hysteria from most of the vampires, with the exception of Esme. Who just looks horrified. As she has been for a while now.

Carlisle: Whatever it is, it isn't my fault. The pixie/penguin forced me.

Emmett: Once again, you look a right idiot. But this time, also like a prostitute. So, an idiot prostitute. (Grabs a camera and begins taking endless photos.)

Esme: Oh. My. God. If vampires could have wrinkles or go gray, I'd be looking much older right now. This is just… madness.

Rosalie: I really hope Alice did that for fun. She usually has much better dress sense. And a better sense of style.

Alice: Of course I did it for fun, Rose. I was bored, and I felt like it, so…

Bella: Y'know, Carlisle, if I didn't have Edward, I'd almost go gay for you. I say almost because you're not really a woman. Though you are pretty convincing like that.

Edward: So that's what Alice was hiding. Overall, you look pretty good… if not mildly traumatizing.

Jasper: Carlisle, your emotions are all over the place again. Maybe you should see a therapist. This cross-dressing is worrying.

(Alice bounces in dressed this time as a super-short leprechaun in a green outfit and pulls him to the new full-length mirror. She yanks away the sheets covering it and reveals to Carlisle his reflection. He shrieks and faints.)

This time, Alice had styled Carlisle so he resembled a teen hooker. He wore a micro-mini with fishnets and stilettos, and a super-tight, hot pink tube top with a push-up bra underneath. His hair was dyed black with several streaks of green, blue, pink and purple and he had a clip-on nose ring. Alice had managed a manicure and pedicure as well, working at double vampire speed, and his nails were alternately neon blue or yellow. With glue-on rhinestones. And for the final touch, ratty hair extensions.

Overall, the effect was a strange mix of teen hooker combined with some punk and a major dose of no taste-or maybe bad taste.

(Carlisle runs upstairs to try and change-he discovers his wardrobe is completely empty. Upon looking through his dresser drawers, he discovers his clothes all in rags, shredded or tattered beyond wearing.

Carlisle: Evil little pixie. How do I get my revenge without her knowing… she'll know as soon as I decide. The best thing would be a snap decision… or if I mix my future with the wolves so she can't see me. Okay, good. Got it.

(Runs downstairs and to Alice, holding her wallet that is crammed with her credit cards.)

Carlisle: Alice, I have something to show you.

(Alice looks suspicious. Carlisle holds the wallet in the air above a bonfire that he quickly created out of nowhere)

Carlisle: Payback, Alice. Watch as your precious cards die. Muahahahahahahahahahahah!

(throws the wallet onto the fire and it is immediately burnt. Alice watches, sobbing tearlessly, as her cards burn and her endless supply of money is gone.)

Bella: Well, that'll save a few million per year.

Alice: I will get you for this, Carlisle, if it's the last thing I ever do!

(Carlisle shrugs and runs out of the room. He runs into the forest and comes upon his horse, who had run out of the house and trampled Esme's garden. He walks towards the horse, not noticing that it's very sunny and his skin is sparkling like a disco ball. The horse notices him and runs off, but Carlisle catches up to him and tries to get on. He manages to get onto the horse's back but is promptly thrown off and lands in the river. He gets out of the river, sopping wet and looking even worse than before-considering that he is still wearing his hooker wear- and begins smashing trees. After several hours of tearing trees apart he moves on to crushing rocks and throwing boulders around. Eventually he tires of this and runs back home, only to be met by more hysterical laughter from his family.)

Fantastic. Alice dressed me like a hooker and then drop-kicked me like a rugby ball. My wife thinks I should move out and my children will never take me seriously again. I stole a horse from a stable and then it ran away. Someone probably owned that horse, and loved it. Took proper care of it and all. And I stole it and it's probably going to die alone and miserable.

Jeez, I've completely stuffed up. One hundred per cent. There's no two ways about it. My family just laughs at me, and okay, maybe inviting the Volturi over wasn't the smartest move.

Now what am I supposed to do? I can't face my family again, and Emmett's posted the photos and everything on youtube and the internet-Facebook, Myspace and twitter. I'm done for. My colleagues at the hospital will laugh at me if I show up to work ever again. After all this, I'm still not awesome. My family is, and an unawesome person shouldn't be trying to associate with seven awesome people. Maybe I should try to go somewhere that people would think me awesome… Certainly not Italy.

Well, time to put my future in with the wolves and think in code. Where can I go?

I guess it's time to pack and go to an unknown destination. And then the farewell scene.

I finally got inspired for this chapter. Yay me. Sorry about the delay, but before I was posting a chapter every other day and that's not realistic anymore since I'm coming up to exams.

A few questions: where do you want to see Carlisle go, and what do you want him to do? And what should he say to his family when he says goodbye to them? (keeping in mind, I want to keep with the humour as much as I can)

Tell me in a review please J.

Reviews make me smile.