Disclaimer: The Following is a non-profit fan parody. Mass Effect and Mass Effect 2 are copyrighted to Drew Karpyshyn, Casey Hudson, the Bioware corporation and the Bioware corporation. Please support the official release. This is not meant to any disrespect to other Mass Effect Parody "Mock Effect" by Mister Buch.

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Mass Effect 2: The Sequel that needed to be Parodied

Electronic Arts Presents

A Bioware Production

Somewhere, far away from any Alliance vessel, there stood an exploding sun. In its orange beauty and red fire soothed and mystified anyone who dared look into it. One might ask 'who could afford such an extravagant and expensive lava lamp'? And thus the story of our tale begins.

"Shepard did everything right. More than we could've hoped for" A brunette in a skin tight suit reported. "Saving the Citadel, even saving the Council! Humanity now has the trust of the entire galaxy! But still, it's not enough."

"Humans may have the aliens' trust," the man holding the drink and cigar said. "But Shepard remains our best hope."

The woman finally emerged through the transparent screens. "But they're sending him to fight Geth. Geth! We both know they're not the real threat. The Reapers are still out there."

The man takes a long drag from his cigar. "And it's up to us to stop them."

"The Council will never trust Cerberus. They'll never accept out help, even after everything humanity has accomplished. But Shepard, they'll follow him. He's a hero, a bloody icon. But he's just one man. If we lose Shepard, humanity might well follow."

"Then see to it that we don't lose him. That didn't sound too ominous, did it?"

"Oh, what could happen?" The pretty brunette shrugged.

One month after the devastating Geth Attack on the Citadel, the galactic community struggles to rebuild.

The Alliance fleet made a tremendous, albeit foolish, sacrifice to save the Citadel Council and earned humanity membership in their pretentious group. Now the Council is forced to respond to that the Reapers- giant robot cockroaches that wiped out all 'meatbags' 50,000 years ago-have returned. To quell these rumors and to further show that no politician doesn't have a head up their respective asses, the Council has sent Commander Shepard to wipe out the last pockets of Geth resistance. Officially, they blame their invasion on the Geth and their leader, a rogue Spectre.

On the way back from an 'important' mission…

"Did everyone have a fun time at Disneyworld?" Commander Shepard of the Normandy said as the rest of the crew bustled through their duties.

"That human food was overpriced!" The Krogan Wrex said, wearing his mouse ear hat. "Still, I could appreciate human stupidity on that Epcot center."

"Hmm, needed more explosions," The Turian Officer Garrus replied. "Simulated violence just doesn't do it for me anymore.

"Commander," Navigator Pressley said "I think we should be more concerned about the parking here! We've been up this lot for 3 hours now are we can't find any sign of Geth or the exit!"

"3 Alliance Ships went missing here." Joker said, calculating the course trajectory.

"My money's on Slavers. They're all over these human amusement parts."

"Picking something on our long range scanners." A random, redhead officer said, whose name is never officially told. Honestly, could there be any more indication that this woman will die in the next 2 minutes? "Looks like they're following us pretty closely."

"Dammit!" Pressley said. "I hate these tailgaters. Tell those idiots to go around!"

"It's not inconsiderate motorists!" Joker said, realizing what was happening all too quickly. "Brace of evasive maneuvers!"

However, the enemy ship fired a powerful laser, hitting the side of the Normandy and thus killing Pressley.

"Pressley!" the unknown woman said, shortly before she was killed by an explosion.

Joker quickly took command of the ship. "Somebody close those hull breaches. Weapons off-line. Somebody get those flaming corpses out!"

As explosions quickly detonated and killed random NPC's around them, a lone squadmate raced against the fleeing crew to meet a lone figure, coincidentally putting on his helmet.

"Shepard!" Ashely Williams cried out.

"Love interest! I mean- Ash! I just sent the distress beacon. What's the situation?"

"Most of the crew is being evacuated. Even those below the elevator, oddly enough. Will the Alliance get here in time?"

Shepard was interrupted by a random explosion, as he gained a fire extinguisher and started to dose the fires around him.

"Part of me thinks you should start getting comfortable seeing the inside of an escape pod."

Ash, quickly turned again to Shepard. "Joker's still on board. He won't abandon the Normandy. I'm not leaving, either."

"No, I'll get Joker out to safety. You get the rest of the crew, and pray that the Alliance gets here in time. We'll meet up later!"

As Ashley hesitated to leave the brig, Shepard turned to his lover.

"No matter what happens, Ash, we'll always have Space Mountain!"

There, Shepard finally took control and charged his way through the fires. Wires were hanging out. Corpses littered the deck. The alert changed from Defcon Michael Bay's Armaggedon to Defcon Michael Bay's Pearl Harbor. He acted quickly, going up the stairs and opening the lock. As the air was sucked out of the room, Shepard was forced to endure a ponderous, slow walk towards the pilot's seat. And while he appreciated the open view of the moon, he couldn't help but lose interest in it for the 5 minutes he was walking.

When he finally made it to the brig, he found Joker, still seated in the pilot's seat.

"Joker, we need to GTFO! Now!"

"No!" The stubborn pilot said. "I won't abandon the Normandy! I can still save her!"

"Joker! The enemies just gave us a new sunroof… in Space! I think the Alliance will buy us a new top-of-the-line private frigate with Stealth systems. Now, let's go!"

"No, I- Oh no! They're coming around for another attack!"

Surely enough, the enemy ship did. There its powerful laser tore through the Normandy's defenses faster than a newlywed couple tearing clothes after the ceremony. Shepard witnessed in horror as the laser seemingly consumed everything in its path. Thus he quickly went towards Joker.

"Activate Kung-Fu grip!"

"Ow!" Joker complained, but Shepard didn't listen. He hastily dragged the both of them to the nearest escape pod. However, just when Shepard though he was in the clear, the laser tore through the Normandy, thus sucking towards the deep vacuum of space.

"Shepard!" Joker said, but it was too late. As his escape pod launched, the Normandy was no more as it blew up in several places.

Shepard watched from a distance, only to realize that the oxygen was slowly being sucked out of his suit.

"No! Dying… can't… breathe. Must… make… one more reference. Last time… I was suffocating… was… during… Zack Snyder's Watchmen!"

And with that, Commander Shepard, savior of humanity, slowly faded towards the planet surface below…

Mass Effect 2

However, not all was lost! Shortly after, tubes were inserted in the Commander's veins. A strange liquid was inserted into him. Various mechanisms were inserted into him. That song from 'Boogie Nights' was jammed through his ears.

"Commander Shepard's body has been recovered. The Lazarus Project can begin."

And so, after a long strenuous 2 years, eyes that should've been shut forever began to reawaken.

"Miranda, something's wrong!" A voice sounding like Steven Jay Blum said. "I'm picking up vital signs."

"Impossible!" The Brunette in the rather revealing suit said. "He's supposed to be asleep. Check your calculations. Give him another sedative."

There, the woman bent down and turned to the Commander.

"Shepard, stay calm. We're almost finished."

"ZOMG, Miranda! Brain activity's off the charts."

"I said give him another sedative!" The brunette cried out.

Just as the Commander was about to awaken, he slowly fell back to a deep slumber.

Moments later…

Gunfire filled the screen. Something had clearly gone wrong, and there was only one thing Miranda could do about it.

"Shepard! Shepard, get up! This tutorial's under attack!"

"Bad pie. Bad pie." Shepard mumbled, unwilling to get out of bed.

"Shepard! Can you hear me?" Miranda said over the loud speaker.

"Hmm. Gandhi, be a pal and hand me another martini." He smirked, still asleep.

"Get the Hell up, Shepard!"

"Huh? Zuh? What the-" The male woke up only to see the station was, in deed, under attack.

"Quick, there's no time! Get to the med bay locker and get your armor and a pistol."

Almost immediately, the Commander was greeted by an orange arrow pointing him in the right direction as well as strange instructions concerning a control stick.

"How are you doing that?" He asked.

"Doing what?" Miranda cried out, clearly not in the mood to explain things.

"Those pop-ups telling me what to do. How are you doing that?"

"It's the future and we're in space. How am I 'not' doing that? Just grab the materials!"

As he grudgingly did so, it came to his dismay that the screen next to him informed him of a rather unfortunate fate.

"Level 3? Are you kidding me? After I completed the Insanity run? And why isn't this gun overheating as usual?"

"It's a medbay and- Dammit! Shepard, that crate's going to explode! Get behind that chest-high transparent glass."

Shepard looked at it suspiciously. "It doesn't look that bad, actually. I think I can just wait it out-"

"I SAID, get behind the chest-high glass!" She barked at him.

"Alright, alright! Bossy tutorial voice, telling me what to do." So Shepard ducked behind the glass, waited for the container to explode and proceeded on his way.

"Try to find a thermal clip for your pistol." Miranda continued saying.

When he did manage to find a clip on the floor, he was greeted by a rather unfamiliar message stating that he should 'press X to reload'.

He stared at the clip, then at the pistol, then at the clip as a sign of disbelief.

"Wow, I've been asleep longer than I thought."

"Shepard!" Miranda cried.

"Right! Shooting things!" He quickly reloaded his pistol and ducked behind cover.

"Shepard, look out! Those mechs are trying to kill you!"

"Really? As opposed to the mechs that try to give me a hug?" He replied as he shot one of the LOL mechs down. He continued forward, shooting mechs and grabbing the new ammo clips on the floor. As he continued, through the tutorial level, he stood in shock as several guards were mowed to death, violently by a giant robot.

"Shepard, keep moving, we need you alive!"

"But those poor NPC's!" Shepard cried.

"They don't matter! Now, move! There should be a grenade launcher on the floor, pick it up!"

"Ooooh! Explosive…" He smiled as he lifted the new weapon to his side.

"Here come the mechs! Fire when you-" Miranda was quickly cut off when Shepard had already disposed of the mechs, quite easily.

"Shepard, take the elevator down and run through the fire. Run, I say!" He does so without hesitation, and quickly makes it out to the other side.

"You're doing great, Shepard! Now just, dammit! The Mechs are here! I have to- stop touching me there!" The voice cuts off, as Shepard slowly makes his way through the facility. There, he opened a door, seeing a black officer shooting the mechs. Shepard quickly took cover by his side.

"What are you doing here?" He asked. "Things must be bad if Miranda has you running around."

"Excuse sir, could explain what's going on? Not that I don't mind all this, but I'd prefer a little context as to what we're doing."

"Fair enough!" The officer said, giving a headshot to one of the LOL mechs. "You and your ship were attacked. You didn't survive. We've been spending the last 2 years bringing you back. Welcome back to your life!"

Shepard was shocked. He tried to shake off his disbelief, but couldn't.

"2 years? That's unbelievable. That's enough time for Michael Bay to ruin a semi-decent franchise. Or for M. Night Shyamalan to kill a franchise from the start. Or both."

The Officer shrugged. "Sorry to say, yes and, Dear Lord yes."

"Well, at least the Last Airbender movie did okay, right? I mean, it could've have been so bad as that it was worse than anything Michael Bay could dish out, right? Right?"

The Officer said nothing, simply grimacing.

"Excuse me for a moment." Shepard said, aiming his pistol. "Damn youse, Paramount Executives! This is what you get for letting the director of 'The Happening' have his way! This is what you get!"

By the end, Shepard had successfully shot down all the enemies.

"Wow, I didn't even have to use all my biotics. Is there anything else you need to know? I'm here to provide exposition."

Shepard recounted his thoughts. "Okay, my ship was attacked, I was brought back. How?"

"The Lazarus Project equipped you with lots of cybernetics and equipment. The Project Leader, Miranda worked for 2 whole years to get you fixed."

"Did my team make it?"

"Almost everybody survived the attack. The Turian without a cause, the disgruntled Krogan, the Quarian and the Asari alternate love interest made it out alive. A few servicemen waiting for the Elevator didn't make it though. Still, most of them left the Alliance after that."

"Alright then, we should-"

"Check, check! Is anyone still there?" A voice came out.

"Wilson? I'm here with Commander Shepard."

"Wha- Shepard's alive? Umm… quick! Mechs are all over the place, you have to help me!"

The Officer nodded. "Hold on, Wilson, we're coming!"

"Assuming you don't want to be called 'Expositional African-American', what's your name?" Shepard asked.

"Jacob Taylor."

Shepard couldn't help but snort out a laugh. "Jacob Taylor, Ha ha! That's a good one. What was Edward Pattinson taken? No, seriously what's your name?"

The frown on Jacob's face was clear indication what he was not, in fact, making a joke.

"Oh. I'm sorry. I didn't mean to- Gosh, it must be hell trying to google yourself."

Jacob scoffed. "Oh, you have no idea. Now, let's find Wilson."

As the two headed further through the Tutorial, they were met with more mechs.

"Wilson! The Facility's crawling with those mechs!" Jacob cried out, firing his pistol.

"The whole station is crawling with those mechs. Umm… Oh no! I think one of them found me!" Shortly after, a gunshot could be heard through the intercom. "Oww! Dammit! I think it hit a bone!"

"Wilson! Are you okay?" Jacob asked.

"Umm… Yes! I was just shot by one of those mechs. Quite badly, ow!"

"Hold on, we just need to take care of these enemies. Where are you?"

"Server room B! Hurry!" Shortly after, the two character easily dispatch through the mechs only to find Wilson, laying on the floor.

"Hey! Thanks for coming. One of the mechs shot me." Wilson said.

"Kinda steep angle for a gunshot wound."

Wilson shifts his eyes quickly. "Umm… yeah. It… uh, ricocheted and hit me weird."

Jacob looked around. "Speaking of which, where are the mech bodies?"

"Umm… Look! I'm dying! Use some Deus Ex Machina Medi-gel to heal me!"

Shepard does so, getting Wilson up on his feet.

"Thanks, Shepard. Didn't think you'd be the one saving my life."

"Okay, we have Expositional Jacob, and random guy with Steven Jay Blum's voice. Let's get Pretty Tutorial lady here and leave!"

"No, leave her! The mechs were all over that place. Besides, don't you think it was a little too convenient that Miranda is away from all this?" Wilson suggested.

"Well, that's impossible since The Lazarus Project was her experiment."

Shepard chimed in. "We should also note that she did give me helpful tutorial advice that would've normally taken me 5 minutes to figure out."

"Alright, fine! Maybe she's not a traitor. Still, let's head towards the escape pods. Those Mechs might be too much for Miranda!"

However, many more mechs ambush their position.

"Quick, Shepard! Use my Overload skill!" Wilson cried out.

Shepard does so, causing all the mechs to explode behind the crate. How very convenient.

"Alright, Shepard. This is getting tense!" Jacob said.

"It is?" The Commander said.

"If I tell you who we work for, will you trust me?"

"I was under the assumption that I already did. But, okay. Who do you work for?"

Jacob sighed. "The Lazarus Project is a part of… Cereberus!"

Shepard scratched his head. "Who?"

"Umm… they're a special organization that promotes human interests and…"

"Oh, wait! Now I remember! You're the guys who led those marines to that Thresher Maw!"

"Yes, well-"

"And killed Admiral Kahoku!"

"Well, that was-"

"And experimented on those Husks!"

Jacob raised his hand. "Okay, look. I'm not saying Cerberus is completely innocent. But you do owe them your life. The Illusive Man, the one who's in charge, made specifically sure you made it out."

Shepard shook his head. "You guys may have resurrected me, but I don't work with terrorist! Especially those that make me drive that godforsaken Mako!"

"You'll have to tell him that yourself. For now, let's get to the shuttle bay!"

After wiping out several other mechs, the crew finally made it out to the docking bay.

Wilson quickly tried to get the doors open. "The shuttle's just right here. We can make it-"

He, however, was cut off by Miranda, the tutorial voice.

"Miranda? But you're supposed to be-"

She quickly silences Wilson with a gunshot to the neck.

"Dead?"

"Miranda, what are you doing?" Jacob cried, looking Wilson's dead corpse.

"My job. He betrayed us, killed my staff. He would've killed you too."

"But Miranda, what if you're wrong?"

"Silly Jacob. I'm never wrong."

Shepard eyed her suspiciously. "Oookay… Where were you during the attack?"

"Wilson sent a score of mechs to grope me. Luckily, my celebrity voice status got me out alive. I got here as soon as I could. Though a little too soon, if you ask Wilson."

Jacob asked, "Do you think Wilson's capable of that?"

Miranda slowly looks as Wilson and slowly addresses Jacob. "Not anymore…"

Shepard scratched his head. "Okay, if you say so. What's next?"

Miranda flipped her long, wavy hair. "We take this shuttle. My boss wants to speak with you."

"The Illusive Man?" Shepard asked.

"Ah, Jacob. Did you give out exposition unprompted again?"

The Black Officer crossed his arms. "We need the Commander's trust, Miranda."

"Fine, then. Is there anything other useless background information you need to know?"

Shepard thought for a moment. "Not really. I honestly think I've had enough of this station to last me a lifetime."

"Or two, in your case."

Shepard threw his hands up. "Okay, not that I'm grateful or anything, but are you going to keep doing that one-liner bit all throughout the game? I don't personally don't mind, but I need to know so I don't accidentally set you off."

Miranda shook her head. "No. The Bioware writers thought they were clever when they wrote my intro dialogue."

"That's a relief. Okay, let's go!"

A/N: Commander Shepard seemingly gets another chance at life. What does the Illusive Man want with him? Can he trust Cerberus? Has anyone really not played this game yet? Find out in the next installment of "Mass Effect 2: The Sequel that needed to be Parodied."