Warnings: Unbeta'd, semi-spoilers for season two. One hipster OC, Alison, and * NEW CHARACTER: SAM * (Who now, according to Ryan Murphy et al. MAY NOT ACTUALLY BE KURT'S BOIFRAN. Le shrug.)
Author's Notes: Written for jenomnom on LJ! There are purposeful misspellings and other ridiculosities in this fic. Ye be warned. Hopefully, you'll find it funny and endearing instead of horrifying. Finn isn't the brightest knife in the drawer. Also, I'm ignoring the fact that Finn and Kurt would be semi-step-brothers by this time in season 2.
Being Finn Hudson Is Hard Life
-x-
The cheers were kind of hurting Finn's ears. And Finn supposed they were allowed to be.
McKinley High had just won The Game of the football season, but Finn didn't feel much like jumping up and down and yelling things like, 'Yay!' or 'Awwwwwesome!', like he had last year when McKinley won because of that Beyoncé stunt.
This one time that they won—and probably the only time they would for the rest of the season—Finn felt more like eating ice cream in his closet.
It was kind of bubonic. That was the word, wasn't it? Bubonic?
His teammates were all grabbing their significant others and kissing them and holding them, and Finn was kind of just standing by the 'Rade cooler, shoulders slumped, alone.
He didn't regret breaking up with Rachel. They had agreed to separate on account of irreconcilable differences. Or at least, that's what Rachel had said while tearing the head off of the pink teddy bear Finn had bought her.
The worst part was when Kurt ran up to Sam—their new running back and the blain of Finn's existence—and jumped into his arms, wrapping his legs around his waist and kissing him. Right on the mouth. In front of everyone.
There was a twist in Finn's gut, kind of like when he ate his mom's mac 'n' cheese too fast. He watched Kurt comb his fingers through Sam's sweaty curls, and the answering arms that Sam wrapped around his boyfriend.
Really, seeing Kurt Hummel kiss Sam made Finn sort of want to hurl.
Finn wasn't a homophobe! Really! It was just…
Kurt used to like him.
It was great that Kurt could get something he wanted once in a while, but…
Anyway, Finn, like, really hated Sam.
He was just so… cool, and nice and stuff. Which was annoying. Because Finn was just as cool and nice and stuff as him, if not more.
But he was single so there had to be something wrong with him.
Finn threw a 'Rade bottle on the Astroturf before stomping off to the showers.
Coach Tanaka gave him a rough pat on the back when he passed through the crowd, the only affection he'd get that night.
-x-
Okay, so it was high school and all, but it would be nice if people would just SHUT UP once in a while.
Finn walked to Spanish, jaw clenched as several happy (well, as happy as teenagers can be—that was not very happy in Finn's experience) couples bumped into him in their distracted, hormonal haze.
Finn felt momentary pride in remembering the word hormonal.
He got to the Spanish room without another mishap, but not without running into those-he-really-didn't-wish-to-see-right-now, coming out of their AP Spanish class, hand-in-hand.
"Hey, man," Sam said, grinning like the asshole he secretly was.
"Hi."
"Finn!" Kurt exclaimed once he'd turned away from some girl he was chatting with. He readjusted the strap on his messenger bag, drawing attention to the vee of his Cheerios uniform and the collarbones peeking out from underneath it.
Finn blinked before grinning widely. "Hey, bud."
"Did you get the memo about glee club this afternoon?"
"Uhhh."
"Yeah, I figured you wouldn't. Sam and I are singing our duet."
"Awesome," Finn muttered.
Sam smiled, shiny white teeth practically glittering at Finn, all smug and superior.
Which led to Finn's complete and utter lack of attention during the Spanish lesson about professions. Instead, Finn made a list. A list of ways to be cool (again). Because obviously he was 'losing it' and he needed 'it' back again in the interest of his self-worth.
He might have drawn Sam with a few missing pearly whites, as well.
-x-
The week passed kind of like Spanish class, except sometimes he didn't have scrap paper to doodle on like in History, or he accidentally chewed his pen so much that it leaked onto his tongue like in Math, or he daydreamt about the Oregon Trail like in English (when he should've been listening to poetry analysis). The only thing he remembered about English, actually, was that analysis had the word anal in it.
He'd giggled about that for a long time.
But, then he had seen Sam pass by in the hallway to meet Kurt and Mercedes at their lockers, and had been back to moping about how Kurt didn't pay attention to him anymore, and maybe that was because he'd 'lost it', like he'd originally thought.
Finn remembered watching all three Austin Powers movies at Puck house when they were in seventh grade. They had planned on pulling an all-nighter, but Puck had fallen asleep, hugging his pillow like a teddy bear. He had threatened to give Finn an ultimate wedgie if he told anyone though.
Anyway, the point was that Austin Powers lost his mojo while being frozen in that big ice cube and he'd had to get it back.
Finn had been half-asleep at the end, unable to really discern how Austin got it back before Dr. Evil destroyed everything, but he'd had a pretty killer outfit.
Maybe Finn needed a new makeover, because he, like Austin, had lost the 'it', his own mojo… his spark.
He just had to work really, really hard to get it back. Then Sam wouldn't bother him and maybe Kurt would go back to stalking him and everything else would be back to normal.
-x-
"Puck, I still hate you and I'll continue to not talk to you after this, but I've lost my spark and I need to get it back or I'll be ignored forever by Kurt, so I need your help, and if you don't help me then I'll tell Quinn that you stole her panties when we were ten."
Puck looked up from his urinal, shook it once, zipped up and turned to Finn. "…Dude, what?"
"Uhm…"
"Let me rephrase."
Finn stopped shifting from foot to foot.
"What?" Puck yelled.
"How do I look cool again? You're obviously…"
"A sex machine, yes."
"You're obviously cool, and apparently I've forgotten how to be. Should I change my look?"
Puck rearranged himself into that what-the-fuck-do-I-care stance before asking the question. "Are you gay?"
"Psh. No," Finn replied.
"Look, man, you're kind of cramping my style, so—"
"Exactly!"
Puck sighed. "We're in a bathroom."
"This is where I could corner you."
"Ya creep," Puck muttered.
"C'mon, Puck!"
"You're trying to get Kurt to notice you again?"
"Er…"
"Dude, I don't know how to attract girly boys. I know how to attract girly girls."
"Give me, like, one tip and I'll leave you alone."
"I dunno, Finn. Learn European or something. Shop at Abercrombie. Buy a beret. Dude, I do not know."
"Learning European sounds… pretty cool!"
"You sure you're not gay? Seriously?"
"I'm not!" Finn exclaimed indignantly.
"Sure thing!" Puck smiled and punched his fist straight in the air before letting his hand flop limply at his wrist.
"You're such a dick," Finn sighed.
"Peace, gay-wad," Puck flicked him in the forehead before exiting the bathroom
"Wait!" Finn called after him. "What's a buh-ray?"
-x-
Seeing as Puck would continue to be an unhelpful bastard, Finn decided to research for himself, adding onto his 'Ways To Be Cool (again)' list throughout the week.
So.
Sunglasses didn't work when he and Quinn were trying to be cool again, so he wasn't going to even bother trying to fish his shades out of the bottom on his book-bag, but maybe new hair gel would be okay?
Was that gay?
Finn decided not to think about it too hard. Quinn had always said it wasn't his best way of going about things, anyways.
"Well, you'll all be glad to know that I spent an inordinate mount of time going through my CD collection and choosing show-tunes for Sectionals."
Finn shook his head and stealthily wiped a bit of drool off the corner of his mouth before watching Mercedes roll her eyes and flick some invisible dust off her sleeve before replying, "And why would we want to do more show-tunes? They're so—"
"Fucking boring, is the word you're looking for," Santana's voice cut through Rachel and Mercedes' sulky pre-argument like… something really sharp through something pretty soft.
Rachel smiled specifically – the smile that she used gave to Finn when he asked her things like why you park in a driveway. "That's two words, Santana."
"Well, y'all know me," Sam said, shrugging, "I'd rather do rock or something."
"Yeah, but we did Journey last year. We would do something different," Tina offered.
"Yeah," Mike said, cracking his knuckles as he stretched. "Maybe something a little more modern rock and a little less—"
"Cheesy?" Matt supplied.
Puck coughed and muttered something like, "Like Rachel's underwear?" under his breath.
"Kill yourself, Puck," Rachel snapped, before her face turned all sweet-looking again and she grinned at Matt. "Yes, Matt. Less cheesy. I know you guys couldn't appreciate the mastery that is Broadway music, which is why I brainstormed for three hours about 'updating' specific songs to they could be more palatable to… the general audiences."
Brittany turned to Finn and asked quietly, "How do you get a storm in your brain?"
Finn smiled and shrugged.
It was then that Mr. Shue bobbed in through the door and clapped his hands together, grinning. "Afternoon, guys! Before we start practicing our opening number, we'll continue this week's duet theme with Sam and Kurt."
Kurt slid out of his chair and straightened his fedora before stepping in front of the piano, his face a cool mask. Artie wheeled over to the electric guitar, plugging in and checking the strings as Sam joined his boyfriend in front of the gathered club.
"We're singing 'Cruisin'' by Huey Lewis & The News."
Finn frowned.
Kurt glared at his boyfriend and tacked on, "Featuring Gwyneth Paltrow."
Artie's eye twitched as he played the opening riff following the drums, and Sam's baritone carried out over the audience.
By the end, after sitting through all the Sam making-extremely-inappropriate-bedroom-sexy-eyes at Kurt and Kurt smiling-while-trying-not-to-be-extremely-embarrassed-by-80's-rock, most people's mouths were hanging open while Finn's was firmly set in a grim line, fingers clenched into tight fists.
Brittany, of course, stood up and cheered, while everyone else clapped slowly, probably too shocked by the blatant sexual you-feminism that was the song. Wait—EUPHEMISM. Whatever.
Finn himself was feeling a little bit scandalized and a lot outraged.
80's rock was his genre.
"Finn, are you okay?" Kurt asked quietly, eyebrows drawing into a confused frown.
"It's fine, guys, he's just thinking," Alison deadpanned, thumbnail busily chipping at her maroon nail polish with a bored expression on her face.
"Shut up, Alison," Kurt muttered.
"Finn?" Mr. Shue stood up.
80's rock is my genre, Finn thought angrily.
"Dude," Puck exclaimed.
"80'S ROCK IS MY GENRE!" Finn yelled and stomped toward the door.
"I'll talk to him," Sam said valiantly.
"No," Kurt sighed, "I'll go," and followed Finn out the door.
"Finn used 'whine like a five-year-old," Artie said into the silence. "It's SUPER EFFECTIVE."
-x-
Finn made it to the farthest bleachers before he was spotted, but it didn't stop him from yanking at his hair and being pouty and generally un-cool as Kurt stalked across the field toward him.
Kurt stopped at the bottom of the bleachers, fists propped on his hips as he glared up at Finn.
"You can't just claim an entire genre, you know."
Finn sneered, folding his arms and standing up. "Well, someone can't claim an entire person, either!"
"What is wrong with you?" Kurt groaned and began to trudge up the seats, placing a hand on his hat in case it fell out of place. "Why is it, exactly, that you have regressed in the span of five minutes of terrible 80's music?"
Finn looked up at Kurt, who was now standing directly in front of him on the next bleacher down.
"80's music isn't terrible," Finn grumbled stubbornly.
Kurt rolled his eyes.
"Don't roll your eyes at me!"
Kurt scratched at his ear for a moment. "Okay, so what's actually bothering you, because clearly our duet was bad, but so bad as to warrant a Hulk-Finn appearance."
"I lost my spark," Finn answered dully.
Kurt made a face that Finn easily recognized as his 'WTF? Face.'
"My spark. I lost it."
"Are you—I don't know… having a psychotic break?"
"I haven't broken anything."
"Well, that's good, I suppose. Wouldn't want to break any part of perfect Finn," Kurt replied, punctuating the sentence with one of his awkward, I'm-sharing-a-joke-with-you-but-really-only-I-get-what-I'm-talking-about laughs. Those usually went over like a wet fart.
"I don't get your jokes. But don't worry, it's because I'm stupid, not because you're not funny."
Kurt clucked his tongue and flopped down next to Finn, folding a leg over the other and clasping his fingers together. "You're not stupid, Finn."
Finn clenched his jaw. "You're in how many APs?"
"Five, which means I'm an authority on smartness," Kurt sniffed. "You, Hudson, are not stupid. You're an idiot sometimes, but you're not stupid."
"Uhm…"
"That was a compliment."
"Oh," Finn huffed out, smile spreading. "Thanks!"
"You're welcome."
They were silent for a while,
"Now," Kurt said finally, "What's all this about spark?"
"I lost mine. I'm boring and everyone hates me."
"I'm sorry?"
"Yeah, me too."
"No, I'm sorry, as in: I'm sorry, I have no fucking idea what is coming out of your mouth."
"I'm freaking out, okay? I even looked up European tutors online and—apparently—European isn't a language!"
"Finn."
"And I tried to buy a buh-ray online, but stupid Google kept telling me I wanted a Blue-Ray disc or something. Which won't make anyone cool enough, so—"
"Finn."
"And the hair gel I got at Macy's was all weird and my fingers stuck together before I put the junk in my hair! I can't even do that ri—"
"FINN!"
Finn jumped, snapping his head to the side to meet Kurt's irritated expression.
"Your spark… as in… the something special that everyone loves about you?"
"Yeah…"
"You haven't lost that, Finn." Kurt unfolded his legs and put a hand on Finn's elbow. "You are sunshine for a lot of people."
"I am?"
"Everyone still loves you, even when you're acting like a complete weirdo."
Finn stared at Kurt for a while. His cheeks were pink and he was looking at Finn so steadily. Finn felt the beginnings of a colony of butterflies
in his stomach, just two or three maybe, but soon there'd be more. It's the way it always happened. And then he'd get jittery.
Check.
And then he'd kinda get all warm.
Check.
And then—
"Because that's you," Kurt continued. "Weird. And sunny. Finn-sunny-Hudson." Kurt smiled softly, sort of like he was remembering something sad.
His eyes were so… And his lips… And Finn kind of wanted to…
"We love you," Kurt said, squeezing Finn's arm lightly.
Finn leaned in quickly and kissed Kurt, taking the opportunity that Kurt's loud gasp afforded him to insinuate (HE REMEMBERED ANOTHER VOCAB WORD!) his lips around Kurt's full bottom lip. It was happening. He was kissing Kurt Hummel and liking it and it was happening. He felt goose bumps erupt down his arms as he cupped a hand over Kurt's warm neck and pressed more insistently against Kurt's still lips. This felt weird. Different than kissing girls. But not bad at all, really, except that—
—he was being shoved away, the effect only lessened because Kurt ended up pushing so hard he scooted back several inches instead of moving Finn at all.
"What the fuck!" Kurt hissed. "You can't just do that!"
"Er."
Kurt stood up waving his arms around like he was guiding an airplane into dock, like, really fast or something. "You can't just… do that after all the shit we've been through! Oh, my God, Finn, I hate you!"
"But—"
"I can't believe this!" Kurt groaned, sitting back down and burying his face in his hands. "Oh, my God! You are in such deep shit it's not even funny."
"Kurt?"
"WHAT!"
"I'm going to kiss you again, now."
"Fine!" he huffed.
And they kissed again.
And this time, it was awwwwwesome.
And, you know, Finn found his spark. He knew he'd lost it but he never thought he'd find it under Kurt's tongue.
Even though Kurt pretended to be mad at him still for five minutes afterwards. Anyway, they'd made out for longer, so he figured he wasn't in that much trouble.
They didn't discuss how they'd get rid of Sam, but Finn planned on a strategic meeting someday if Kurt didn't dump Sam tomorrow. He'd muttered something about 'don't tollerate country' and 'doesn't like Madonna' among other reasons. For now, though, Finn was A-okay with drawing the guy's pearly whites strewn across some loose leaf paper.
Maybe Kurt would let him find his spark again tomorrow?
-x-
END
-x-
Author's Notes Cont'd:
Glee Club Duets:
Good Girls Go Bad by Cobra Starship (feat. Leighton Meester) – Puck & Quinn
Bang Bang by K'naan (feat. Adam Levine) – Matt & Mike
You Don't Know Me by Ben Folds (feat. Regina Spektor) – Artie & Rachel
Cruisin' by Huey Lewis & The News (feat. Gwyneth Paltrow) – Sam & Kurt
Beautiful Liar by Beyoncé (feat. Shakira) – Mercedes & Santana
The Con by Tegan and Sara – Tina & Alison (OC)
Promiscuous Girl by Nelly Furtado (feat. Timbaland) – Finn & Brittany
The song Kurt & Sam sing is located at youtube, with this
watch?v=AeJDj-YsNzU
as the extension.
The doodle Finn draws in Spanish class is located on my FF homepage!