Warnings: A bit of homophobic language, teenagers daring each other to kiss, too many instances of people staring at the floor. Due to a mistake and my complete lack of understanding the British school system, the boys are Canadian. Actually, if someone could explain the school system to me in simplistic terms, I would very much appreciate it.
Disclaimer: I own nothing. (But the boys own me).
Notes: Hello, most self-indulgent thing I've ever written. Written for the prompt "their friendship includes occasional random makeouts. They don't talk/acknowledge it, but sometimes just, you know. Go at it. Then keep about their day like it's perfectly normal."

I made a fanmix for this. If you visit my profile, there should be a link to my livejournal profile (or look up dreaming_athena on livejournal) and then there should be a tag called "fic: truth or dare" and if you click on that it should be the first entry.

Truth or Dare, and the Shit that Follows

It started, Merlin would realize later, with Truth or Dare.

(He would try to ignore this, though, because it sounds ridiculous to say you fell in love with someone over Truth or Dare when you were eleven).

Merlin had always been the odd one out among his friends, always the youngest, gangliest, and most "dorky." Leon, Arthur and Lancelot were a year older than him, and had been friends practically since they were in the womb. In the beginning, only being Lancelot's next door neighbour and having an unhealthy, fanatic appreciation for crappy rock songs allowed Merlin to fit in.

In their group they were clearly defined by labels. Arthur was the student who got straight A's because that what was what his father expected of him, Lancelot was the jock, Merlin was the dork, and Leon was...well...

Leon was the pervert.

Leon's pervy ways were well known between the members of their quartet, which is why none of them were really surprised when he opened his mouth at a (very manly, thank you very much) sleepover and said the most terrifying (but also rather intriguing) thing any of them had ever heard.

"I was thinking," Leon announced, ignoring the raised eyebrows and Merlin's mumbled 'Well, that's new.' "Truth or Dare has become very boring."

His announcement was not received with the chorus of agreements and/or applause he'd been expecting, but rather by a silence that somehow conveyed 'No shit, Sherlock.'

"So I was thinking," he continued when the others had simply stared at him for too long "we should do something to switch it up."

The others exchanged wary glances, before Lancelot timidly asked "Like what?"

Leon's eyes seemed to twinkle. "How about we play and see?"

(Even at such a young age Leon was aware that some people had to try something to want to do it).

Lancelot, Arthur, and Merlin all exchanged another nervous glance, but then shrugged and nodded.

"Alright..." said Leon, obviously pleased. "Merlin, truth or dare? Pick dare."

"Um...dare?" Merlin said.

"Kiss Arthur," Leon replied promptly.

Arthur went bright red and opened his mouth to protest as Merlin stuttered "W-w-what?"

"Kiss Arthur," Leon said again.

"He can't just... just kiss me, Leon!" said Arthur, outraged.

Leon shrugged. "Sure he can. No one but us will know, and it counts as your dare too. Come on. You can't refuse a dare.

Merlin glanced at Arthur nervously, biting his lower lip and twisting his hands in his lap. "If we..." he gulped "kiss, we get to make you do a dare, right?"

Leon nodded, eyes gleaming.

Arthur narrowed his eyes. "You are so dead," he hissed at Leon. He turned to face Merlin directly. "I want you to know that I don't want to do this," he told Merlin seriously.

"Um...okay." said Merlin. "Me neither...?"

Arthur cleared his throat and tried to ignore how Lancelot (who had been suspiciously quiet, the traitor) had shifted to the side so he could see Merlin and Arthur's faces. "Right," he said, and ignoring Merlin (who seemed to be trying to hold in nervous giggles) Arthur leant in and kissed him on the lips.

It's...dry, Merlin thought, rather surprised. I thought it would be...like, wet. And all gross, and stuff...but it's not.

Arthur pulled away from the kiss, eyes slightly wider than usual, and turned to Leon and said "That's disgusting, Leon."

Merlin quickly pulled his gaze away from Arthur's lips and agreed vehemently.

Arthur considered Leon, narrowed his eyes, and hissed "Kiss Lance. With tongue."

They grew up eventually and realized that mates just did not kiss mates, no matter what they were dared to do.

That...didn't stop them from doing it, though.

The dares continued through junior high, first dates, and first (proper, not-forced-to-happen) kisses.

They didn't talk about it, no one ever said "Hey, remember that time Arthur had to lick a line from Merlin's foot to his face, and then they had to make-out?" or "Haha, remember how we all got to second base with each other before anyone else?"

There would just always be a time at a sleep-over when one of them would lean back, glance nervously around to make sure they were alone, and then say something like "Merlin, kiss Arthur and write your name in his mouth." (That was one of Leon's ideas, because he had apparently heard from someone that you were supposed to write your name with your tongue in the mouth of the person you're kissing. The others weren't too sure of that).

Merlin would always remember the first time he became hard under someone else's (Arthur's) hands. It was the dead of night, and Merlin was lying on the floor as he'd been told.

"Take off your pyjamas," Leon whispered, and Lancelot laughed nervously as Merlin obeyed, blushing madly.

"Kneel above him, Arthur."

Arthur gaped, but complied, planting his knees on the floor on either side of Merlin's hips, and his hands on the floor on either side of Merlin's head.

"Now," said Leon slowly, "Kiss Merlin, and touch his...you know, his penis"

Arthur turned his head away from Merlin to gape at Leon. "Leon!" he exclaimed. "I can't—I can't touch him there!"

"Are you refusing a dare?" Leon asked.

Arthur shut his mouth and looked at Merlin again. "For how long?" he asked through clenched teeth.

Leon considered for a moment. "Thirty seconds," he decided.

Arthur nodded once, bent his head, kissed Merlin, and palmed his cock.

Oh GOD!, Merlin thought as his hips thrust up involuntarily and he felt all his blood rush to his cock.

He held his body tense as Leon counted down the seconds, mortified and wishing that Arthur would just pull away and make fun of him already, instead of prolonging the torture.

Except Arthur didn't, and Merlin just lay there in agony beneath Arthur's hand until Leon said "One!" and Arthur moved away quickly.

Merlin sat up, embarrassed, and stared at Arthur in apprehension, waiting for Arthur to ridicule him. But Arthur didn't do that, either. He just stared at Merlin for a moment, blushing red, before turning to Leon and saying in a strangled voice "Your turn, same thing."

Later, Merlin stared at himself in the mirror in the bathroom at Lance's house, hair mussed and his lips red. He raised his hand to his lips wonderingly, amazed at how tingly and swollen his lips felt. He blushed again as he remembered why his lips were swollen and tender, and lowered his hand to his side. He looked away from his reflection, suddenly unable to look at himself while his memories of the night were replaying themselves before his eyelids.

The dares trickled to a stop after that night, becoming nothing more than an inside joke and hushed, embarrassed whispers of "Hey, remember when we used to..."

Fast forward a few years, past Arthur's first less-than-amazing grade, past Merlin skipping grade nine, past Lance getting award after award after award for athletics, past Leon having sex with a girl (and then another, and another, and another, etc.). Past Arthur's mumbled "She never liked the whole 'Write Your Name With Your Tongue' thing" and Merlin trying to look sympathetic, past Leon's first Oh-Shit-I-Might-Be-A-Dad scare, past their last year of high school, and...

Stop, at their first year of university.

Against all odds, they were all in the same city, at two universities (meaning Lance had been ditched across town, and the other three all went to the same school). Merlin to be a teacher, Arthur studying Kinetics, Leon in General Studies ("How am I supposed to choose what I want to study, if I don't know what any of the programs entail?" he'd asked Merlin. Merlin had decided not to answer) and Lance in medicine. Lance was in Africa, on some exchange program he'd been really excited about but that the others hadn't really understood, and Arthur, Merlin, and Leon were all in Leon's dorm room, drunk.

"I just..." Arthur said. "I just sort of thought she was the one, you know?"

Merlin mumbled something sympathetic, not really paying attention, and Leon started to snore.

Arthur took another swig of his beer, and Merlin put his down, slouching in his chair and folding his hands in his lap. Arthur sighed. "I was so stupid."

"No you weren't," Merlin soothed, well used to Arthur's moods when drunk.

"Yes I was. I just... I just wanted it all to start, you know? I don't like this..." Arthur waved his hand vaguely "waiting. I feel like I should be having a pro—productive life."

"Mhmm," Merlin agreed, suddenly captivated by how Arthur had bitten his lip.

"And I just thought... maybe it'll all turn out, if I date her. Maybe everything will happen then."

"We should make a bed on the floor," Merlin mused absently.

Arthur continued to gaze sadly at his beer bottle, and Merlin stood up, walking unsteadily to stand in front of Arthur's chair. "Hey," he said softly, reaching out and tilting Arthur's chin up. "It's okay." And then he moved forward and touched Arthur's lips with his own.

He was always surprised by how natural it felt, kissing Arthur, while at the same time a jolt went through his stomach. It was familiar, this kissing, an offering of comfort, and Arthur took it without thinking.

Merlin pulled away when he could feel himself start to sway. "Blankets," he said, and moved away to see what Leon had hidden under his bed.

Merlin's dreams are full of soft kisses and giggles, creeping hands and embarrassed whisperings. He dreams that he's back, back at that time, and Arthur's hand is moving toward his cock, but no, this is different, wrong. They are older, Arthur has stubble on his cheeks and his face is intent. And they're...Leon and Lancelot are silent, unmoving, and it's like it's just Arthur and Merlin, like they're the only ones in the world. Arthur leans over Merlin, his eyes warm. "I've been dared to kiss you," he says in a gruff voice, and his kiss is different, new and passionate and hard and it leaves Merlin breathless.

Arthur pulls away, and his breath is hot on Merlin's lips when he whispers "I've been dared to fuck you."

Suddenly, they're on a bed and Lancelot and Leon aren't there and Arthur is gasping "Merlin. God, Merlin." into Merlin's neck and Merlin is thinking Yes, Arthur. Yes. Right there, right there. The room is bare, and Arthur is growling, and Merlin can't focus, a swirl of white moving behind his eyelids as he arches backward, again, and again, and-

Merlin woke abruptly, gasping for breath and heart pounding as though he was terrified. Arthur was sprawled half-over him, his breath warm and wet on Merlin's cheek, one leg thrown over Merlin's hip. Groaning, Merlin tried to shift so that Arthur's leg wasn't resting on his hard cock. It didn't work, and Merlin ended up gazing at the dark shadow of Arthur's face. "Fuck," he whispered, wishing that he could promise himself that he'd fall back asleep and Arthur would wake before him in the morning, removing himself from Merlin as though the cuddling wasn't anything unordinary, and Merlin could continue ignoring everything.

But that wouldn't be the case, Merlin knew. He lifted his free arm to shift a lock of blond hair that had fallen across Arthur's eyes, and then let his hand travel down Arthur's face and cup his cheek, smiling sadly as he remembered all the other times he had down so, always a prelude to a kiss.

Merlin had once heard a quote about dreams showing what people didn't want to think about while they were awake. It was certainly true in this case, he thought ruefully. Much as he tried to ignore it, his confusion rose up when he was asleep, overwhelming his dreams and just leaving him more confused come morning.

Merlin wasn't sure whether he was ready to try to unravel that confusion.

He didn't know if he could.

"Where are you going?" Arthur asked, two weeks after Merlin had woken up to find Arthur sprawled across him.

Merlin fidgeted. "Going?"

"I assumed, since you grabbed your jacket and wallet, that you were going somewhere."

"Right." Merlin cleared his throat. "I am. Going somewhere, that is. You're welcome to stay here. Goodbye." Merlin walked out the door quickly.

Arthur furrowed his brow in confusion, then shrugged and turned back to the T.V. screen.

"Hello," Merlin said nervously. "Is this—is this the...?"

"Gay and Lesbian Support Group?" a slight man with curly brown hair asked.

"Gay, Lesbian and Bisexual Support Group," a girl said with a pointed glance at the first man. "You found us. I'm Guinevere. Gwen, normally."

"Unh...Hi," Merlin said, standing awkwardly over the group of people seated at a table in a cafe.

"Sit down," said another man warmly, pushing a chair out for Merlin with his foot. "I'm Gawain."

"I'm Percival," the first man said as Merlin took the seat.

"Owain," a man at the other end of the table said.

"And I," the man to Owain's right said "am Tristan, and we," he said grandly, "are the

Gay Knights of the Round Table."

While everyone else at the table laughed and Merlin stared at Tristan with amusement mixed with embarrassment and horror, Gwen turned to Merlin and said "Don't mind them. A few years ago they found out that all their namesakes had been Knights of the Round Table in one version or another of the legends, and they've been obsessed with the idea ever since."

Merlin just nodded, rather overwhelmed, and Gwen introduced everyone else seated at the table.

"Hello," Merlin said shyly when she was finished. "I'm Merlin."

Tristan raised his head, a grin forming on his cheerful face. "No shit. Really?"

Merlin shrugged awkwardly. "My mom was writing a book based on the Arthurian legends while she was pregnant with me. She's a little obsessed with them."

Another person arrived, and as more introductions were made and conversations started, Merlin forced himself to relax.

"Oh come on, you wanker!" Merlin heard Arthur growl from outside his door. Grinning, Merlin opened it and stepped inside just as Arthur moaned "Move, damn it, move.

"Talking to yourself again, Arthur?"

Arthur whirled around from where he stood in the middle of the room that functioned as a parlor, game and T.V. room, dining room, and guest bedroom when needed. "Merlin!" he exclaimed in surprise.

"Hello," Merlin replied calmly. "You do remember that you have your own room, right?"

"Where were you?" Arthur asked, ignoring Merlin's question.

Merlin sighed. Sometimes, he reflected fondly, Arthur was a bit like a dog with a particularly tasty bone.

"I just met up with some people."

Arthur narrowed his eyes.

"We were talking about different teaching techniques," Merlin said, trying not to look like he'd just pulled that out of his arse.

(The thing was, Merlin truly hated lying to Arthur. It made him feel like he'd betrayed Arthur somehow. And Arthur never had the decency to look like he believed Merlin when Merlin lied to him...which was probably because Merlin was so crap at it. But most people didn't actually tell Merlin that. Arthur did.)

Arthur's game began again, and he turned back to it after giving Merlin a glare that clearly said I will get to the bottom of your pathetically obvious lie. Merlin gave him a look of wide-eyed desperation that clearly conveyed Oh God. Please don't. But Arthur didn't see it, engrossed once more in 'Left 4 Dead.'

Merlin took a second to allow himself to lean back against the wall and just watch Arthur, whose features were highlighted by the light of the setting sun, his blue eyes full of delighted glee as he killed the zombies on the screen, his hair very pale. The sun made it look like he had a halo of light around him, and Merlin wasn't even bothered by the irony of that image.

Unbidden, as he watched Arthur fiddle with remote as if his life depended on it, came Merlin's memories of the meeting he'd just left.

"So, what's your story?" Gwen had asked, smiling warmly.

"I...think I'm...gay." he'd said quietly after glancing around to make sure no one else was listening.

I think I'm gay. I think I'm gay. IthinkI'mgay. Gay.Gay.GAY. GAYGAYGAY.

"What?" Arthur asked, glancing up and catching Merlin staring at him.

Merlin shook his head to clear it. "Nothing," he said quietly, turning away from Arthur and thinking It would probably be really inappropriate to kiss you right now. "You staying for dinner?"

There hadn't been a time when Merlin had decided to be less than completely honest to his friends. He'd just refrained from mentioning anything once, and then was easier to continue to do so. Except, now it was this constant thought whenever he was around them, a whisper in his mind of Should I tell them? and What would they say if I said something like "I'm gay"? and Oh God, they'd be so horrified.

Arthur knew something was wrong, in that way he had of picking up clues without putting them together to form the obvious conclusion, but he never mentioned it and his searching, confused stares only made Merlin more uncomfortable. He found himself avoiding Arthur and Leon, which was fairly difficult to do when they both seemed to like his room more than their own.

"Dude, what's wrong?" Leon asked once.

"Wrong?" Merlin replied, wide-eyed. "Nothing's wrong."

Leon eyed him for a moment. "Merlin...did you get a chick pregnant?"

"What?" Merlin spluttered. "No, no. God, Leon. No. Just...no."

Leon continued to eye him for a moment, before walking forward and slinging an arm casually around Merlin's shoulders. "Merlin, mate, if you're having girl problems, there is no one better to tell than me."

"Anyone would be better than you, Leon," Merlin forced himself to mutter, staring fixedly at his feet.

"I am extremely hurt by that statement," Leon announced conversationally.

Merlin sighed. "It's not girl problems, okay Leon? God, it's so fucking far away from girl problems." Merlin scrubbed his face with his arm, hiding the world from his eyes for a moment. "I'm fine,okay?"

Merlin shrugged Leon's arm off his shoulder and walked away.

That night, Merlin pretended not to overhear Leon say "There's something wrong with Merlin" to Arthur, and pretended not to see Arthur glance up at Leon with a raised eyebrow and say "No shit."

"How do you deal?" Merlin asked Gwen, at another meeting of the Gay and Lesbian Support Group.

Gwen glanced up and opened her mouth, but Tristan beat her to it. "With our sexuality?"

Merlin nodded, embarrassed.

Everyone at their tables had fallen silent. "It's different for all of us, I think," Gwen's girlfriend Morgana said. "And some never do, but..." she trailed off and glanced up, as if asking for someone else to take over.

"But there's something wonderful about being yourself," Gwen finished. "Being true to yourself."

Tristan leaned forward, glancing around the group before speaking directly to Merlin. "There's a lot of shit in this world, right?"

Merlin nodded uncertainly.

"War, and global warming, and other stupid shit." Tristan leaned back in his chair, arms folded across his chest. "And I figure, being gay's not so bad when you compare it to the fact that the world is going to die."

Merlin stared.

"That's one way to look at it, yes..." a woman Merlin thought was named Jane said uncertainly.

Morgana rolled her eyes. "You have to accept it," she said, "if you want to be truly happy. It's just another part of yourself. Of course, you'll meet people and face obstacles that make that harder, but then," she shared a smile with Gwen, "you'll meet that person who will make it all worthwhile."

Inexplicably, Merlin's thoughts flashed to images of sunlit hair and blue eyes, and he had to stop himself from saying "Shit."

Arthur greeted Merlin with "Hey. We're going to a party tonight."

"I'm not," Merlin disagreed grumpily.

"Yes, yes you are," Arthur said pleasantly.

"No, I'm not! I don't want to go out and watch" Merlin waved his arms around in a vain attempt to convey his meaning, "girls. And boys. And alcohol. And conformity. And happiness."

Arthur blinked.

"So, I'll just be staying here, thank you very much." Merlin finished.

Arthur blinked again. After a few seconds he cleared his throat awkwardly and said "You know you can tell me anything, right?"

"No, Arthur," Merlin said sadly. "There are some things I really, really can't tell you."

Blinking rapidly he stumbled past Arthur to his room, closing the door behind him with a loud bang. Determinedly, he put on his headphones and ignored the fact that Arthur spent the evening attempting to cajole him into coming out of his room, instead of going to the party.

"Merlin..." Arthur started, the next day.

"God!" Merlin exclaimed in surprise. "Fuck, Arthur! Give me some warning!"

"Sorry," Arthur said, but his mouth twitched.

"Did you stay over?" Merlin asked, trying to calm his racing heart.

"Yeah. Look, Merlin..."

Arthur stopped, and Merlin raised his eyebrows.

Arthur shook his head and sighed. "Nothing. Do you have bacon?"

"He won't say anything!" Arthur said, frustrated.

"What if... what if he has like, some disease or something?" Leon asked. "And he won't tell us because he's ashamed, or he thinks we'll be disgusted, or something?"

Arthur sighed and put his head in his hands. "I don't think he slept the whole night. I could hear him pacing whenever I woke up."

They were both silent for a few minutes. Suddenly, Leon sat straight and snapped his fingers. "Arthur! We should follow him!"

Arthur looked up slowly. "That... doesn't sound as crazy as it should."

"I mean, what if he never gets the guts to tell us, but could totally use our support?"

Arthur nodded. "It would be for his own good."

Leon grinned. "Exactly."

"For the love of-" Merlin heard, before it was muffled. He shook his head and returned to perusing the shelf of books in front of him.

"Do we really need to?" another voice hissed. "It's a bloody bookstore!"

"Wonderful deduction," the first voice hissed back. There was something oddly familiar about those voices, Merlin thought.

"What exactly is he going to get up to in a..." the voice trailed away as Merlin turned around to look. "Oh! Hello, Merlin," Leon said with a patently false surprise.

"Um...hi," Merlin said hesitantly.

"We were... were just, unh." Leon quickly jabbed Arthur with his elbow. Arthur coughed, and said "Looking for books."

Merlin's eyes flickered from side to side nervously, looking at the shelves of books surrounding them. "Ah... yes."

They stood awkwardly, staring at each other, for a few seconds before Arthur said abruptly "Yes, well, they don't have the book on... on Holland I was looking for, so Leon and I must be going. You going to come?"

"Um, no," said Merlin, shifting nervously. "I have this... this meeting."

"Ah," said Arthur, and he and Leon exchanged a look. "What kind of meeting?"

"A... a meeting for... for, it's about... well, it's for..." Merlin looked into Arthur's eyes and then miserably shook his head. "Teachers. We'll be talking about like, finding a job, and dealing with, unh, kids." He nodded emphatically. "Teacher stuff. That's what the meeting's for. Actually, I should be going." Mechanically, Merlin turned and set down the book he had been looking at, before quickly hurrying away.

"Way to seem suspicious!" Arthur exploded as soon as he deemed Merlin out of earshot.

"Me?" Leon said. "What about him?"

Arthur deflated. "You're right. Let's go."

'Here," Freya said, handing Merlin a book entitled 'The Survival Guide for Queer and Questioning Teens.' "Some things it mentions aren't applicable, of course, since you're older, but it's still informative and supportive."

Gwen slid over a copy of a very pink book called 'Same Sex in the City: So Your Prince Charming is Really a Cinderella'. Merlin held it up and raised his eyebrows. "It's all I have. I just didn't want to come empty handed."

"Thanks, Gwen." he said with a teasing smile. She flushed and opened her mouth to reply before her attention was caught by something behind Merlin, and she smiled kindly.

"Hello," she said. "Did you want to join us?"

"What exactly is... 'us'?" a familiar voice asked, and Merlin felt himself pale drastically.

Before he could open his mouth to say something harmless, Percival had already answered. "The Gay and Lesbian Support Group."

Slowly, Merlin forced himself to turn around. Leon was looking at him, amused and inquiring, but Arthur was staring fixedly at the books in front of Merlin. Merlin opened his mouth to speak, but no words came out. Every member of the Support Group had fallen silent, as though aware that something had just gone very, very wrong.

Slowly, Arthur lifted his eyes away from the books and stared at Merlin for a moment, gaze impenetrable, before he turned on his heel and stalked away.

In the silence that followed Arthur's abrupt departure, Merlin tried to avoid everyone's eyes, Leon gazed with interest at the people gathered around the tables, and the other members of the Support Group were either looking at Leon, looking at Merlin, or frowning at Percival.

"Hi," Tristan finally said, standing up and holding his hand out for Leon to shake. "I'm Tristan, and yes, your speculative glances have uncovered the hidden truth, and I am, in fact, incredibly gay."

Laughing shakily, Merlin buried his face in his hands on the table as his laughs became sobs.

"So..." said Leon as he and Merlin left the cafe, after a few awkward minutes during which Leon had been introduced to every member of the group before he managed to excuse both himself and Merlin. "Definitely not girl problems, then?"

"Yeah," Merlin replied. Then, though he did not know why he said it, "Sorry."

Out of the corner of his eye he saw Leon shake his head. "You don't have to apologize for that, Merlin."

Merlin looked down. "You seem to be... taking this...calmly."

Leon swung a companionable arm over his shoulders. "The way I see it is, you want to fuck who you want to fuck, and you love who you love." He shrugged. "Plus, it's not as though I wasn't bi-curious when I was 12 and made us all have foreplay with each other."

Merlin looked up hesitantly. "I thought it would make it harder for you to accept, the whole... Truth or Dare thing. Knowing you've kissed...someone like me."

"It was a game, Merlin." Leon shrugged. "I'm not going to wonder whether you got more pleasure out of it than I did."

"Oh," said Merlin. "Um... thanks."

Leon removed his arm and bumped Merlin's shoulder amiably.

"There have never really been any girls with you," Leon said reflectively. "You've never been Merlin and someone. Not like Arthur and Sophia, or Arthur and Vivian."

"Yeah," Merlin said sadly.

A sudden thought seemed to strike Leon, and he turned to face Merlin. "Is there a Merlin and someone?"

Merlin bit his lip. "No."

"I know a guy who's, you know," Leon waggled his eyebrows suggestively, "that way inclined. I could show you his facebook page..."

Merlin smiled. "Not right now. Thanks, though."

They walked in silence for a few minutes.

"What were you doing there, in the cafe?"

"What? Oh. We... we were following you."

"Following me?"

Leon shrugged uncomfortably. "We were worried about you."

Merlin snorted bitterly. "Arthur doesn't seem very worried."

"He'll come around, Merlin. It'll be okay."

Merlin tried to look as though he believed that.

It wasn't okay.

Arthur wouldn't answer Merlin's calls, and refused to answer when Merlin knocked on his door.

"Have you talked to Arthur?" Merlin asked Leon, who fidgeted awkwardly.

"A bit."

"Did he mention me?"

Leon sighed. "He just... has a lot of questions."

"Ones that he can't ask me?"

"I don't know what he's thinking, Merlin."

"I do," Merlin muttered, heading toward his door. "That I'm disgusting. That he hates me."

Merlin could almost ignore the pain in his chest at the thought.

"Arthur?" Merlin sighed and sat on the floor, back against Arthur's apartment door. "Come on, Arthur. It's been two weeks."

There was no answer. Merlin let his head thud back against the door.

"I... I can't help it, Arthur. I tried. For so bloody long. But I don't like feeling restrained, or like I'm not being true to myself. I just... I just want to be happy"

Merlin paused and focused on his hands, twisting them nervously in his lap.

"I don't like feeling like I should apologise for it."

Merlin sighed again.

The door behind him opened. Merlin flailed, trying to recover his balance after losing his support, but he failed and his head the hard wood floor with a loud thud.

Arthur's blue eyes regarded him from what seemed to be a long way up.

"I think we need to talk," he said.

"So..."

Arthur didn't look at him, but continued to look out a window, his back to Merlin who sat on Arthur's very white sofa.

"Why did you avoid me for so long?" Merlin asked, figuring it was as good a place to start as any, and wishing that the twisted, queasy feeling in his stomach would go away.

Arthur folded his arms. "Just a lot of shit."

Merlin found he was unable to fill the silence following Arthur's mumbled reply.

With a sigh, Arthur turned around and looked at Merlin who found himself unable to meet his eyes.

"I thought you had a disease, and then we walk into that cafe, and you're holding a book on how to be a good lesbian and just all of a sudden it was 'Oh my God, Merlin's a...'" Arthur hesitated "a...gay person."

Merlin studied the floor. "The book isn't mine."

"I guessed that, yeah."

"Is... is there anything I can do to help you, I don't know, understand? Accept it? Is there any chance of that happening?"

Arthur looked down too. "Whenever I think about you, all I can think is 'Merlin's gay, and I've kissed him.'"

"So has Leon!" Merlin protested, finally raising his eyes. "And he's fine!"

Arthur met his gaze. "We've kissed lately." His voice started to rise in volume. "We've kissed without being dared to do it! Merlin, I made you hard."

Merlin dropped his eyes again, blushing furiously. "It was just the contact," he said, trying to convince them both. "It wasn't you"

Arthur shook his head wearily. "I just can't think about it, Merlin."

"What is there to think about?" Merlin asked desperately.

"That you're a fag!" Arthur spat back. "That I've kissed a bloody poof!"

Merlin reeled back as though he'd been slapped.

"Get out, fairy." Arthur hissed.

Merlin felt cold all over, except for a ball of angry hurt in his chest that he tried to suppress. "Go fuck yourself," he replied coldly, and left before Arthur said another word.

Leon looked up when Merlin opened the door. "Arthur still wouldn't talk?" he hazarded.

"Oh no, we talked," Merlin said bitterly. "And he immediately reminded me why I usually prefer he be silent."

"Ah," said Leon. "Beer?" he held out a can, but Merlin shook his head in mute refusal.

"I'm just going to go to bed. Lock the door behind you when you leave."

Shoulders slumped, Merlin walked past Leon and into his bedroom.

Merlin started taking walks. There was a pretty, obviously man-made creek on the campus that he often walked to. Merlin liked to sit on the bank and stare into the shallow water.

Absently, he picked a wildflower and started tearing off its petals. (He loves me, he loves me not, he loves me).

The flower was yellow, darker than Arthur's hair and far less shiny. Merlin sneered at his thoughts but did not put the flower down.

It wasn't supposed to hurt this much, Arthur's betrayal.

(Merlin wasn't supposed to care this much).

It was hard to keep his thoughts away from Arthur. Merlin had thought having homoerotic dreams about Arthur was bad, but they were nothing compared to when he started daydreaming about living with Arthur. Just living with him, fixing his coffee, sharing the newspaper, holding his hand.

Merlin wasn't supposed to want to hold Arthur's hand.

He dropped the first flower and picked another. (He loves me...)

They hadn't spoken since their argument at Arthur's apartment. Merlin only saw Arthur on campus, brief sightings before classes started. His absence hurt, a dull, pounding ache in Merlin's chest, stronger than he had ever imagined possible and which he tried to ignore.

"You've never been Merlin and someone." Leon had said, but he had been wrong. It had always been "Merlin and Arthur". Even Merlin's mum had known that, had always called for Merlin and Arthur when they were young, had always assumed that were one was, the other probably was too. Now they were two separate entities, two people with two suddenly different lives. It was unsettling, and Merlin didn't like it at all.

(He loves me not).

"Merlin!" Leon exclaimed when he opened the door. "You look like shit! Are you alright?"

"Fantastic," Merlin said dryly. Leon opened his mouth to reply, obviously concerned, but Merlin's attention was caught by Arthur, standing behind Leon and studiously avoiding Merlin's eyes.

Arthur shifted uncomfortably, staring fixedly at the dirty carpet. Leon grimaced. "Right. Um... well, Arthur here, he was just here to pick up his you know."

"Right," said Merlin tiredly. "Well, good luck finding his 'you know'." He leaned closer to Leon, as if he was going to tell a huge secret. "But if by 'you know' you mean 'He was just here to pick up his brain' I'm pretty sure he lost it at birth."

Arthur looked up angrily, but flushed when he met Merlin's eyes and hastily lowered his gaze once more.

Leon frowned reproachfully at him, but Merlin just raised an eyebrow in response. Without another word, he stomped past them both and slammed the door to his room shut behind him.

Leon sighed heavily once he was gone. "You're still coming to my party, right?" he asked Arthur. "This... thing... between you two isn't going to make you hole yourself away in your apartment?"

"Hmmm?" Arthur said absently, turning his eyes away from Merlin's door. "What? Oh, no, I'll be there."

"Good," said Leon. "So, you have your game?"

Merlin didn't usually hate parties. This one was awkward, though. Arthur was standing against the wall opposite Merlin, as far away from him as possible without leaving the room, but gazing at him thoughtfully.

Merlin recognized most of the people in the room. They were people he talked to on a fairly regular basis, people he felt he knew.

They didn't know a fucking thing about him.

But no, Merlin conceded with a sigh, that wasn't true. It wasn't fair for Merlin to resent them for not knowing about his sexuality the moment he started questioning it.

Arthur was still staring at him absently, and Merlin fidgeted under his gaze while he tried to find Leon, who was by the drinks table in a corner, surrounded by adoring girls. Merlin rolled his eyes and slumped back against the wall, deciding against going over to join him.

"It's a wonder he doesn't have any STI's, the way he acts," a strained voice said from Merlin's right. "Shall we bet on how many of them he's going to have sex with tonight?"

Merlin turned his body away from the sight of Leon charming the crowd and faced Arthur. "He takes good care of himself, even during his philandering," he replied, wondering whether he should feel more insulted for Leon.

Arthur snorted. "Philandering?" he repeated, "You sound like an old, proper lady."

Merlin's face hardened instantly. "Fuck off."

Arthur's eyes widened. "No! Merlin, damn it. I-" Arthur scrubbed at his face with a hand wearily.

"What?" Merlin demanded.

Arthur looked lost, and said "Nothing," in a defeated tone.

"Great," Merlin snapped.

"You know what?" Arthur asked, suddenly angry. "Never mind. Forget I ever came over here."

"Fine!" Merlin spat angrily.

"Fine!" Arthur retorted redundantly, and stormed away.

Sometimes, Merlin wondered whether everyone had lied, and his life was never actually going to change, and would always be comprised of the same things.

Distantly, Merlin realized that someone was knocking at his door. He ignored it in favour of continuing to stare morosely at the wall, trying to remember whether he had any alcohol stashed somewhere and studiously avoiding thinking about Leon's party.

The knocking abated for a minute, and then returned, somehow seeming louder and more insistent. Merlin came to the conclusion that he and Leon had drunk all of his secret stash of booze, and focused on the knocking.

"Go away," he whinged.

The knocking continued. (Merlin hated his life).

"Fuck off," he muttered under his breath, but got up and went to open the door anyway.

"Merlin," Arthur started when the door opened, and for a brief moment, Merlin considered not shutting the door in his face. However, there was only so much he could take, and so the door slammed satisfyingly in Arthur's face.

The knocking resumed.

Merlin didn't bother to keep his second "Fuck off" quiet.

"Let me in, Merlin!" Arthur sounded like he was forcing himself not to turn and run away down the hall.

Merlin didn't answer, but continued standing by the door.

"Merlin, please," Arthur said, and it was his pleading that made Merlin open the door again with an irritated sigh.

"What?" he asked wearily, leaning on the doorjamb.

"Can I come in?"

Merlin shrugged and moved toward the living room as Arthur shut the door behind them.

Merlin resumed his seat on the sofa, and watched Arthur pace in front of him. After covering all the ground available in the small room he sighed, folded his arms, took a deep breath, and turned to face Merlin.

"Whenever I think about you," he said, "all I can think is, Merlin is gay, and I didn't not not mind kissing him."

"What?" Merlin asked blankly.

Arthur sighed heavily. "I didn't mind kissing you."

"Oh..." said Merlin. " Oh."

"Yeah," said Arthur, and collapsed onto the floor as though he no longer had the strength to stand upright.

Merlin felt disconnected, as though nothing was properly permeating into his mind.

"Oh," he said again.

Arthur looked up from his position on the floor. "Yeah," he agreed. "Oh."

Hesitantly, Merlin walked toward Arthur and sat at his knees, facing him.

"I'm an ass," Arthur said to Merlin's hands, which began twisting restlessly in his lap.

Merlin didn't disagree.

"I owe you an apology," Arthur continued. "I have no excuse for my actions... my words. I was just scared, I guess." He looked up, his eyes pleading with Merlin to understand. "I could ignore it, the...well, the," Arthur gulped, "sexuality thing, when I thought there was absolutely no way you would be interested in me. I didn't even really think about it. I just... just..."

"Repressed it," Merlin offered.

"Yeah," said Arthur wearily. "But then, when I realized you were gay... I freaked. And I was horrible and I hurt you, and I apologise."

Merlin let the first true apology he'd ever received from Arthur sink in for a few moments, and then looked into his eyes. "What are you trying to tell me?" he whispered.

Arthur stared back. "That I would like to try to... un-repress it... to try to face being who I am." Arthur took another deep breath, but didn't look away. "Because I'd rather face something I've tried to run away from my entire life, than lose you. I'm so sorry, Merlin."

Merlin felt like he was vibrating, every nerve in his body alight with something warm and hopeful, but when he lifted a hand to check, it only shook a little.

"What are you saying?" Merlin asked softly.

Arthur's eyes were a rather endless sort of blue, Merlin realized.

"That I dare you to kiss me."

Arthur's mouth quirked up slightly at one side, and Merlin matched his smile with a wide one of his own as he leant forward and pressed his lips against Arthur's, bringing a hand up to grip Arthur's head and keep him there.

Epilogue- Five months later

"You OUTED us?" Arthur yelled, gesticulating wildly with his hands as if he was attempting to show just how unbelievable he thought that action was.

Leon rolled his eyes. "It's Lancelot."

"Exactly." Arthur said, running a hand through his hair.

"Hey," Merlin said softly, hugging Arthur from behind. "Now we don't have to do it."

Arthur relaxed slightly. "He did it without telling us, though."

Leon laughed. "Yeah, so that you wouldn't be able to agonise over it. I'm really evil."

"What did you say to him?" Merlin asked.

"I emailed him yesterday." Leon's grin grew wider. "I wrote: 'Dude, it's Arthur and Merlin now."

Merlin narrowed his eyes. "That's what you wrote? You couldn't even have said "Merlin and Arthur"?"

Arthur tensed and disentangled himself from Merlin's arms. "I think I see him."

Merlin glanced around the airport wildly, before catching sight of Lancelot walking toward them, tanned and smiling widely.

"Hi guys!" he yelled, still at least thirty feet away.

They walked forward to meet him, and Lance gave Leon a brief hug before he turned to face the other two.

"Hello Arthur and Merlin."

Merlin blushed while Arthur gaped.

"You actually wrote that?" he asked Leon incredulously.

Leon grinned unrepentantly.

"Hi," Merlin said, sliding into his usual seat at the tables the Gay and Lesbian Support Group gathered around and pushing Arthur into a chair beside him. "Everyone, this is my boyfriend Arthur."

Morgana narrowed her eyes. She, at least, appeared to recognize Arthur as the man who had stormed out of the cafe after finding out that Merlin was gay.

"You're gay?" she asked dubiously.

Arthur met her eyes and shrugged. "I'm in love with Merlin."

Tristan was the first one to break the "awww" filled silence brought on by Arthur's pronouncement.

"So..." he said. "Arthur like King Arthur?"

fin