Disclaimer: As always I own nothing but the original characters and the situations all characters find themselves in. Everything else belongs to someone else and that's just the way it's gotta be. Thanks for reading, hope you enjoy.

Alone In The Crowd

Magnus stood off to the side, his back against the wall as he surveyed his party. His loft was full of people tonight, everyone talking, laughing and dancing, having a great time as far as he could see. As the host of the party Magnus knew he should be in the thick of things, but from the looks of it his guests wouldn't notice either way. Anyone could be their host and they'd come, so long as the food and liquor was free. Was he even necessary, Magnus wondered to himself. Probably not.

And wasn't he in a piss poor mood?

Taking a sip from his glass Magnus told himself to drop his dark, depressed mood. But he just couldn't seem to manage it. It clung to him like a needy ex girlfriend.

It had been almost a week since the battle against Valentine and the demons, and he'd been back in New York for almost as long. The Lightwoods had stayed behind and had only recently returned to the Big Apple. So far he'd only managed one dinner with Alec since then, and that had been cut short by his boyfriend's mother. It wasn't that Mrs. Lightwood had retracted her approval of him, but she wasn't handling the loss of her youngest son well. She'd held up until the trouble was over, but now that it had passed she was fraying at the seams. Coming home to Max's empty room had been the final straw for her, and now she got frantic if she didn't have her remaining children near her at all times. And she might not be discouraging them from being together, but she wasn't being very encouraging either. She did not want to lose her son to him, and Magnus was getting the idea she saw that as a distinct possibility.

God he hoped it was a possibility.

Not that he wanted to take Alec away from her permanently, but by Lilith, he wanted a part of him. He wanted them to become so linked with Alec that no one and nothing could tear them apart. He wanted Alexander Lightwood's heart more than he'd ever wanted anything before.

But could he have him?

He'd never been able to keep anyone's love for long.

Magnus knew that parents hadn't loved him, and none of his former lovers, even Camille, had truly loved him the way the romance novels and poets described. He'd never been anyone's most important person but he'd always wanted to be.

Hence his dark, cynical mood, Magnus thought wryly, toasting his mood before taking another sip. No matter what he told himself he couldn't help but feel that every hour away from Alec pushed them further apart. That absence would not make the heart grow fonder in their case. And what could he do about it, really? He couldn't go to the Institute and drag Alec out to spend time with him. And he couldn't force Alec to want to spend time with him or love him. He couldn't make someone feel what they didn't.

And what did Alec feel? Had everything that had happened between them at the city been just a fluke? Had Alec kissed him, come out as his boyfriend, because he'd thought they'd end up dead anyway? Now that peace was before them, would Alec retreat to the safety of what he knew best? Would Alec take back his affection and retreat into his Shadowhunter persona?

Would Alec ever say that he loved him?

He hadn't said it either, but he'd at least implied it. Magnus couldn't bear to say those words and not have Alec return them afterwards. Or worse, say them because he felt he ought to. If Alec did that…Magnus didn't think he could bear it. To hear what he'd wanted to hear for so long, but know it to be false.

Draining his drink, Magnus stared down at the empty glass and set it aside. He was tempted to get drunk, but not even that would likely stop the way he was feeling. And more than anything, he wanted to stop feeling. So he would call an end to the party and go to sleep, Magnus decided. At least in sleep he could make things the way he wanted them to be.

)

After kicking everyone out of his loft Magnus didn't even consider cleaning up the mess everyone had made of his place. His loft had looked much worse, as horrified as Alec would be to learn that. Smiling wryly at the thought Magnus stepped around the debris and headed for his bedroom, closing the door behind him with more force than was strictly necessary. Stripping as he went the warlock changed into his favorite, royal blue pajamas, and headed for his vanity table.

Taking a seat Magnus removed all his make up and glitter, working away at it until his face and hair were free of all beauty enhancements. The man he saw in his mirror was the real him. The man behind his colorful masks and disguises, who Magnus preferred to see and acknowledge as little as possible.

Because that sad, often lonely man scared him like few things could.

It wasn't that he lived a lie, it was that he preferred to live in a superficial world where things and people had little to no real meaning to him. He had no real bonds, nothing and no one to tie him down to any one place or thing. Before he'd laid eyes on a certain blue eyed Shadowhunter, Chairman Meow was the only living thing Magnus would have regretted being without since Camille. That was the way to live when you were going to live as long as he was, Magnus thought to himself. What was the point in caring about people who would be dead before he knew it? Especially when he always seemed to care more about them then they did for him.

But his heart belonged to Alec now, Lilith help him.

Climbing into bed Magnus stretched out on his back, staring up at his ceiling as he tried to will himself to go to sleep. He was exhausted, mind and body, and the warlock could feel sleep just within his reach. But some part of him rebelled against the idea of slipping into slumber, perhaps because somehow Magnus knew the coming dreams would not be pleasant ones. Couldn't be, thanks to his present state of mind.

But his eyes closed anyway, and he soon fell asleep.

And just as he thought, his dreams were a nightmare.

In the dream he was a kid again, his father's strong, work calloused hands holding him down, forcing him below the surface of the river that had run near their planting fields. No matter how he struggled Magnus couldn't break free, and his attempts to get air into his burning lungs only made him choke on the muddy water that filled his lungs instead. He could feel himself losing consciousness, and this time he didn't have magic to save him from the man who should have wanted him to live the most. This time there would be no second chance at life for him, Magnus knew. This time he was going to die and there was nothing he could do to change that.

And why should he fight to live, Magnus wondered in his dream. Why should it matter if he lived or died? Who would care, when his own parents didn't? When what he was scared everyone and made them avoid him like some sort of fatal disease? Who would mourn him? No one. It was better to die really, to just let his life be over. Everyone would be happier without him around. His mother would finally be at peace.

Going still Magnus stopped fighting for air, welcoming the darkness as he sank into it without protest.

And then, just as it all seemed to be drawing to a final close, Magnus heard a voice. It was faint at first, but it was growing louder and louder as he strained to hear it.

Alec's voice. That was Alec's voice.

And the more he struggled to hear it, the louder it became.

Then he felt Alec's lips over his, breathing life back into him with a force that had him fighting once more to live.

Because Alec wanted him to.

)

With a start Magnus's eyes opened wide, gasping for air against the lips pressed firmly against his. Then abruptly the lips left his own and in the darkness Magnus recognized the shadowy form of his boyfriend, feeling Alec's weight as the man continued to straddle him as he reached out to frame his face, his tone urgent and demanding as Alec ordered him to breathe.

Struggling to do just that Magnus blinked rapidly when Alec reached out to turn on the bedside lamp, illuminating them both so that Magnus could see for himself that the shape and voice weren't just figments of his imagination.

Alec was really there, his dark hair and leather jacket gleaming wetly. Dimly Magnus could hear it raining outside his window, feel the water dripping off of his boyfriend and onto him as Alec leaned in close, his blue eyes alight with fear and worry.

Struggling to sit up Magnus has to clear his burning throat a couple of times before he could manage to speak anything remotely reassuring. "I'll be okay." He croaked, working up a crooked smile.

"Well I sure as hell won't be." And that said Alec reached out and yanked Magnus up against his broad chest, his arms encircling the warlock's waist as he held on for dear life, cuddling Magnus close as he breathed a sigh of relief.

Frozen in shock Magnus became aware of the fact that his man was shaking, panting too as he all but squeezed the life out of him with his fierce hold. Slowly realizing just how upset Alec was Magnus wrapped his own arms around the man, returning the embrace just as tightly as he relaxed against the Shadowhunter, concentrating solely on the warmth of the other man's body. Pushing aside everything else Magnus breathed in the spicy, warn scent that clung to Alec's wet skin, the cool wetness from the rain feeling good against his heated face. In fact, everything felt better now.

He could breathe freely now that Alec was there.

Burying his face against the side of Magnus's neck Alec's voice cracked a little as he spoke. "I couldn't shake the feeling that something was wrong, and you didn't answer your phone when I called. When I got here Chairman Meow was banging his head so hard against your door that it's a wonder he didn't knock himself out doing it. And when I opened the door…when I opened the door you were gasping for air and then you just stopped. You just stopped breathing. I was so afraid for you that I almost stopped breathing. Why did you stop breathing? Are you sick? Do I need to get you to a healer? What's wrong?"

Now that he mentioned Chairman, Magnus became aware of something small and fluffy squeezed between them, squirming around like one massive butterfly. Keeping one arm around Alec Magnus slid his free hand between them and reached down to retrieve his furry friend, who meowed his happiness that Magnus was okay too.

Once he'd pressed the purring cat up against his cheek for a quick nuzzle Magnus smiled and deposited Chairman Meow safely on the mattress, patting the cat on the head. While Chairman Meow watched with interest Magnus snuggled back up against Alec as he answered the man's earlier question. "I'll be okay, really. I should have seen it coming."

"Seen what coming?"

He had never talked about his attacks with anyone before, but safe within Alec's arms Magnus found himself explaining despite himself. "Every once in a while, when I'm feeling weak personally and magically, I have these…panic attacks. I just have problems breathing for a little while, it's no big deal. This was just…the worst ever." He finished lamely.

"That's an understatement."

Magnus's shrug was rueful. He wasn't about to tell Alec why this one had been the worst, he didn't want the Shadowhunter blaming himself or saying things he didn't mean to make him feel better. And being here in Alec's arms, Magnus thought that all his earlier thoughts seemed stupid and groundless now. Alec cared, the way he was holding him made that clear. Alec was holding him like he never wanted to let him go.

Magnus was all for that plan.

But to the warlock's disappointment Alec did let him go after a few minutes, drawing back so that his arms were only loosely wrapped around Magnus's face. "You're sure you don't need to see someone about this?"

"Positive."

"Then where do you keep your sheets?"

Magnus blinked, sure he must have heard the man wrong. "My sheets?"

Alec's gaze was tender as he moved his hands to gentle frame Magnus's face. "Your sheets need changing before you go back to bed. It's cool out and I don't want you to get sick on top of everything else. And you need to go wash that sweat off and change your pajamas. I'll change the sheets while you do that."

Abruptly Magnus realized that he was sweating heavily, a product of his nightmare. That wasn't unusual though, he usually woke up this way after one of his night terrors. Of course he never went to sleep after them either, but Alec didn't need to know that. The man was panicky enough already. So he'd play along, Magnus decided, and then when Alec left him he'd find something to do. Maybe clean the place up a little for once, in case Alec's parents came by sometime soon. They would probably have numerous problems with his décor. Not that he was going to fix it up, but he could at least kill the multi celled organisms growing in various corners.

As for his bedding…Magnus snapped his fingers, the sheets under them disappearing. With another snap they were replaced by new ones. "You were saying?"

"Or you could do that." Alec agreed with a small smile. "Now go wash up, okay?" Alec leaned in to place a quick kiss against the man's lips. "Go on."

Amused, Magnus nodded, figuring Alec had a point. And he was starting to feel a little gross now that his man had pointed out that he'd been sweating like a long distance runner. In Magnus's opinion there was only one good reason to be this sweaty and he was too worn out from the nightmare to be up to it. No pun intended.

)

So with regret Magnus pulled away and headed for his dresser, amused when Chairman Meow followed after him. Apparently his kitty was feeling the need to stick close, which was out of character for the ball of fluff. He must be really worried about him, Magnus thought as he leaned down to scoop the cat up, cradling his pet against his chest as he retrieved a fresh pair of pajama pants. Slinging them over his shoulder Magnus headed for his bathroom.

Setting the cat down on the counter when he arrived Magnus stripped down and wetting a washcloth wiped himself off, too tired to shower. Once that was done and toweled off Magnus headed back into his bedroom with Chairman Meow, Alec sitting on the bed with his phone out, texting someone from the looks of it.

Figuring that Alec was reassuring someone that he'd be home soon Magnus worked up a smile, walking over to the other side of the mattress. Sitting down Magnus slid under the sheets, pulling them up around his shoulders as he settled in with Chairman beside him.

Putting his phone away Alec turned and gave the warlock a questioning look. "You aren't wearing a top."

"Too warm and tired to care. I'll be fine."

Alec's face indicated he didn't agree. While Magnus watched Alec unzipped his jacket and shrugged it off, tossing it in the direction of the nearby chair. Underneath he wore a simple black tee and Magnus goggled as Alec reached down and pulled the shirt up and over his head, revealing the six pack Magnus had been drooling for another glimpse of.

"Sit up and hands up." Alec ordered, Magnus doing so automatically.

Shifting over Alec had the material up and over the warlock's arms and head before the warlock knew what was happening, a faint smile touching the Shadowhunter's lips at the way the tee hung off of Magnus. While they were close in height, his chest was a great deal wider than Magnus's and the warlock looked more than a little adorable in the shirt.

Looking down at the shirt Magnus thought it the plainest thing he'd worn since his childhood. Not that he was complaining, it was sweet of Alec to give him his shirt. Plus, now he could look at Alec topless, which was improving his mood by leaps and bounds.

"You're going to go home without a shirt? What will your mother think?"

Alec smiled back, Magnus not sure what to think of the fact that the Shadowhunter was taking off his socks and shoes. Before he could ask Alec what he was up to the Shadowhunter pulled back the covers and slid into bed beside him.

"Alec? What are you doing?" Magnus asked belatedly.

Settling onto his side Alec stared back at Magnus with equal surprise. "You didn't honestly think I was going to leave you alone, did you? I'm staying here to make sure you're okay. You could have a relapse."

Magnus stared at Alec dumbly. "I'll be fine."

"Not taking that chance. Do you want to keep the light on? Would that help you sleep better?"

Instinctively settling back down so that his head rested on the pillow beside Alec's, Magnus staring into the most beautiful blue eyes he'd ever seen. Magnus didn't know how to express himself as he reached out to caress Alec's cheek. "I really am okay. You don't have to stay."

"Yeah, I really do."