FINALLY! The long awaited 18 Chapter of Redemption Impossible! The next chapter is the last, and I know exactly what's going to happen ;) I've already got it all planned! And this chapter is ENORMOUSLY long! With the author's note included, it will probably be close to 5,000 words, but I'll try to just get to the story. I would do a mail bag type thing, but I can't remember whose reviews I've replied to, and whose I haven't, so on with the story! And I'm terribly sorry for making everyone wait so long, but better late than never, right? If you notice any issues with grammar or anything, please say something. Mistakes are kind of embarrassing, and I'm uploading this at 1 AM, so… On with the story!

Without further ado, RascalKat proudly presents: Redemption Impossible (Emphasis on the Impossible) Chapter 18

A near awkward silence had settled over Titan's Tower, mostly because the person who normally made the most noise was currently lost in thought as he put together a sandwich complete with slices of tofu and vegetarian friendly cheese. After putting a slice of bread on top to finish it off, Beast Boy stared at his lunch for a few seconds, not really feeling hungry enough to eat it. He nudged the paper plate close to the edge of the counter before flicking it off and watching as it all fell into the trashcan. With a sigh, he looked back up at Raven for the umpteenth time.

Cyborg, who happened to have a front row seat to what all was going on in the commons room, made a mental note to free up his schedule for the next few minutes. There were more important things to do than upgrading the T-Car's stereo system at the moment. He walked over to Beast Boy, tapped a finger on his friend's shoulder, and motioned him into the hallway.

"All right, dude, what's going on?"

Beast Boy crossed his arms before putting on a look that had the word 'aloof' written all over it. "What do you mean?"

"I just watched you throw away a perfectly good tofu sandwich. Either the tofu's gone bad, or it's the apocalypse. So, which is it?"

Beast Boy bit his lip, knowing that if he said the tofu was bad, Cyborg might go and check. "I guess it's the apocalypse?" he said, forcing out a laugh and trying to sound like his usual innocent self. By the look on Cyborg's face, he wasn't buying it.

"I know this has something to do with Raven," he said. "Just skip to the chase and tell me what's up." Beast Boy didn't answer, so Cyborg knew he had the topic right. "She's not going anywhere, you know that, right?"

"Yeah, I know, but…"

"So then what is this about?"

Beast Boy let out a gusty sigh. "I don't know, I just…" He turned away, leaning against the wall. "You know how when something really traumatic happens to two friends, it can end up ruining the relationship? I… I'm scared that's what's going to happen, okay?"

"What, so you think that because the both of you technically died last night, it's going to mess up your friendship?" He had a hard time believing that was all that was truly wrong, even if it was a perfectly logical explanation of why Beast Boy was acting the way he was.

"It's just… Ugh, I can't… How are we supposed to act normal around each other?"

"Beast Boy, I know this is about more than just a friendship. Just spill, okay?"

Beast Boy whirled, eyes wide, to face his friend again. "What do you mean?"

With a light smirk on his face, Cyborg figured he might just say what he knew to be true. "You like her… And you're afraid that she knows it because you decided you couldn't live without her last night, right?"

Dumbfounded, the green teen couldn't help but stammer. "I… uh… but you… and how did…?"

Bingo. "It's okay dude, I already know you like her, you don't have to pretend it's not true."

Beast Boy blushed, trying not to look his teammate in the eye. "How did you know?"

"As I said very recently to someone else… I might as well be your brother… So I can tell."

"But does she know? You didn't tell her, Cy, please tell me you didn't say anything!" Desperation made his voice squeak, but he didn't care. If Raven found out, she'd be so mad…

"Relax, BB, she doesn't know!"

"She doesn't?" He could have collapsed with relief at that news. "So I can still tell her… when I'm ready… Aw, come on, let's face it, that's never going to happen." He smacked himself in the face, seething with frustration.

"And why is it never gonna happen? What, you too chicken to ask her out or something?"

"Of course I'm too chicken! Have you ever had your face plastered against the ceiling of the commons room? That's what she did the last time I tried to give her a stupid hug!"

"Um, Beast Boy, I don't think that was because she was mad…" Cyborg replied, beginning to realize something very important. He already knew that Raven liked Beast Boy back… But Beast Boy didn't. Normally he wasn't one to meddle, but considering…

"Why else her powers go haywire enough to blast me into the ceiling?"

Cyborg grinned wider. "Anger isn't the only emotion in the world, B."

Confusion swam across Beast Boy's face. "What… what's that supposed to mean? Oh, come on, everyone always does that! They always get stuff that I don't, and then they don't explain it to me! Just tell me what you mean for crying out loud!"

"Do I have to spell it out for you, Beast Boy?" By now, Cyborg was beginning to laugh, unable to hold it in any more.

"Dude, quit it! And YES, spit it out!"

"Man, you really are dense," Cyborg replied as he finally got himself back under control.

"DUDE?"

"Oh, right." Beast Boy was looking up at him, eyes wide, as if he were waiting to hear what was actually in a hotdog. "What I was going to say is… Have you ever considered if maybe she likes you too?"

"Dude, that is so not funny, quit joking around! I'm serious!"

"I know you're serious, but so am I. The only reason she blasted you into the ceiling is because she likes you just as much as you like her, okay?"

He couldn't believe it at first, but as the words sunk in, he stared down at the floor. "I… really? Do you really think so?"

Setting his hands on Beast Boy's shoulders and looking him straight in the eye, Cyborg smiled. "I know so."

After a few seconds, Beast Boy smiled back. "So, uh, now what?"

Cyborg rolled his eyes. "You go get her? And if you're going to take as long asking Rae out as Robin did with Star, I'm going to have to intervene."

He let out a nervous laugh. "Of course not! I'm not a chicken! O… okay so I am a chicken…" For the first time, he seemed to realize the magnitude of the task before him. "And what the heck am I supposed to do? Just walk up to her and say "Hey, I know we both almost died last night, but do you wanna just put it behind us and you can be my girlfriend?" He-loooo! Not gonna happen, dude!"

"Ever heard of the word, 'romantic'?" Cyborg tried not to laugh as he said it. Beast Boy and 'romantic' just didn't mix. Unfortunately, he ended up with a smirk on his face, and Beast Boy narrowed his eyes, knowing just what his friend was thinking.

"What, you think I can't be romantic?"

"No, I never said that!" he covered, but on the inside he had to admit that Beast Boy was dead on. Beast Boy and 'romantic' went together like Starfire and cooking: they didn't go together.

Beast Boy glared back at him, knowing a lie when he saw one.

"Okay, okay, fine. No, I don't really think you can be romantic, but do you really think I'm wrong? I vaguely remember you trying to ask another girl out and when she answered the door, you stood there with a deer-in-the-headlights look on your face. Now tell me I'm wrong."

The green teen's mouth dropped. "Dude, you were watching that?" He pushed past Cyborg and took a few steps towards his room.

"I wasn't spying on you, I was checking the security cameras to make sure none of them had been hacked or something."

"Likely story…" He turned back around, arms crossed.

"Look, B, that doesn't matter right now. The important thing is that you need to come up with something."

"But how am I supposed to…" Beast Boy's eyes widened as a thought crossed his mind. "Wait a second… Girls like dancing, right?"

"I don't really think Raven would like dancing… Remember that party we went to with Blackfire? She and that other goth guy just sat in the corner and watched… Bad idea, man."

"No, no, that's not the type of dancing I'm talking about! Back when I was in the Doom Patrol, Rita taught me how to slow dance. What if I found one of her favorite slow songs and asked her to dance to it?"

Cyborg thought for a few seconds. "That doesn't really seem like a Raven-like thing to do… But I guess it's worth a shot…"

"So you can hack into her computer files and find her favorite slow song?"

"I guess… But she probably doesn't listen to that sort of music, B. The last time I saw her IPod, she was listening to some sort of screamo song."

"But people don't just listen to one type of music all the time, there's gotta be something!"

"All right, I'll check. But I need you to get Raven out of the commons room for a few minutes. It'll be a whole lot easier if I can just access the main computer system."

"Gotcha, I owe you one, Cy!" Beast Boy sped off down the hallway and back into the commons room, a dopey looking grin on his face. He nearly tripped down the stairs just inside the door, too preoccupied with his own thoughts to notice.

Was it really possible that Raven liked him back? She had always seemed like she hated him… Beast Boy stopped abruptly, turned around, and walked back into the hallway. He had to know for sure. "Dude, that's just mean."

Cyborg hadn't moved yet. "What's mean?"

"You telling me that Raven likes me! Man, Robin's right, I really am gullible… It's not funny dude!"

"I wasn't lying, B, just trust me! Wait a second… where did you get that necklace?"

"What neckla…" Beast Boy looked down to see the necklace that he had taken from Raven when he had thought she wasn't coming back. The penny. "Oh… That necklace… I… Um…"

"You got it from Raven, didn't you?"

"I… uh… Yes."

"So you're the reason she couldn't find it."

"What do you mean?"

"She was asking me if I'd seen it… And she seemed pretty concerned that she didn't know where it was. I'm guessing you figured out what penny it is." Cyborg crossed his arms, a smile on his face.

"Yeah, it's the one I gave her the day that she… Hey, that's not fair either, you changed the subject!" Beast Boy exclaimed, glaring at his friend. "You told me Raven liked me, and you think I'm stupid enough to believe you!"

"No, she really does…" Cyborg trailed off, trying to think of some sort of tangible proof that he was telling the truth. The penny glinted in the light of the hallway, catching his eye. "Look what you're wearing, dude. She had to have gone searching for that penny, and she wouldn't have done that if she didn't care. Just trust me, okay!"

Beast Boy held the penny between his thumb and forefinger, rubbing the copper surface. "You're sure?"

"For the last time, yes, now go get Raven out of the commons!" He followed Beast Boy back into their main living area and watched as Beast Boy looked around the room, confused.

"Where'd she go? I could have sworn she was here a few minutes ago…"

"Lemme check." Cyborg walked over to a panel of computers, pulling up the security cameras. "She's up on the roof, meditating." Beast Boy headed over to the door that led to the stairs, only to pause with his hand still on the doorknob as Cyborg continued. "You know, since she's already out of the way, you don't have to go talk to her."

"I… I have a few questions to ask her."

"Fine, B, but don't come crying to me if she blasts you off the tower," he mumbled to himself as he set to work finding a song Raven would like.

"Make a list and print me off a copy when you're done."

"Sure."

"Thanks Cy."

"Yup," he replied absentmindedly, already concentrating on his task.

Beast Boy took a deep breath and started climbing the stairs. Just relax, it's just Raven. You can do this. He tried to bring himself to the time back before he'd ever known she liked him back. Luckily he didn't plan on saying anything to do with the fact that they liked each other. Feeling his heart skip a beat, he opened the door to the roof.

There she was. And he had no clue what to say to her. She hovered at the edge of the roof in the lotus position, turned away from him. He didn't walk towards her, trying to think of the right way to start.

"I know you're there Beast Boy." Well, there went that plan. Raven didn't turn around to look at him: she picked up her mantra again and went back to meditating. Beast Boy couldn't help but smile at the way she said the words. There was just something about her voice that he loved. "Can I help you?"

Startled out of his thoughts, he felt himself blush. Fortunately, she still hadn't turned around, and therefore hadn't seen it. "Hi." He walked over to her, sitting down and dangling his legs over the edge of the roof.

"In case you hadn't noticed, I'm kind of in the middle of something." She said quietly. Almost nicely…

"I… I just wanted to ask you a few questions… If you don't mind."

At first, she didn't answer, and for a second, Beast Boy thought she hadn't even heard him. Then, she spoke. Had anyone but Beast Boy been sitting there waiting for an answer, they wouldn't have heard what she'd asked. "A few questions about what?"

Where to start? There were so many questions he had to ask, and each of them had the potential to be questions that Raven might view as off-limits. Maybe he should start with a simpler question…

"When that song came on during the birthday party last night, why were you crying?" Beast Boy gave himself a mental slapping. Of all the questions you could ask, you just had to pick that one. So much for simple. "I mean, if you don't wanna say…" he stammered, trying to correct his mistake, "I understand, but…"

Once again, Raven didn't answer for a few seconds. Finally, she opened her eyes for the first time, although she continued to stare out at the ocean, lowering herself to sit on the roof next to him.

"I was… crying…" she began, forcing the word out despite her pride, "because… When I first came to this dimension, to Earth, I was put into an orphanage."

Beast Boy narrowed his eyes, confused. What does that have to do with-

"I'm not finished yet, just hang on," she said, practically reading his thoughts.

"There was this boy named Tobey there, a few years older than me, and he acted a lot like an older brother would have. That song was his favorite because his father kicked him out of the house. He said Tobey was disrespectful and useless, but he was wrong. Tobey always wanted to impress him…"

Beast Boy could tell this wasn't the end of the story, and certainly not the reason for her emotional breakdown the night before. He waited as Raven took a shuddering breath, recounting the few sentences that held the answer to his question.

"Tobey and I were walking home from the grocery store, and it was late, but he saw one of his classmates getting beaten up by a couple of gang members. He tried to help, because he'd fought gang members before, but they had a knife this time… And they stabbed him… I don't know how many times. I didn't do anything because I was afraid if they saw me, they'd kill me too."

"You were watching," Beast Boy stated, horrified. No person should ever have to witness someone die, much less someone they truly care about.

She nodded, and although she took a few deep breaths that she tried to pretend had nothing to do with emotions, no tears came to her eyes. Beast Boy almost wished he could tell her it was okay to cry, but it didn't seem like the right thing to say. At least it made sense now. And Raven had confided in him about a secret he was fairly sure no one else knew about.

They each sat staring out as the waves lapped up against the rocks far below them.

"Thank you."

Raven turned to look at him. "For what?"

"For trusting me."

"Hm…" she said, not sure how to reply. The silence stretched on for a few seconds.

"Um… Is Tobey the one… the one that always called you Rae?" The second he said those words, he knew they were true. Raven's eyes widened, and he was fairly sure he'd heard her suck in a breath of air.

"Yes… Yes he was." Her voice was small, as if she had been pulled back into a time where she herself was smaller, back before the Titans had ever existed.

"And that's why you hate being called Rae. Because that nickname is reserved for him. I understand. And… And I'm sorry I've called you Rae so many times. I didn't know." He looked over at her, having never expected the conversation to get this deep.

"No, it's not your fault… And it's okay. It's not so bad anymore. Time heals all wounds, I guess."

He had never seen this side of her before. She suddenly seemed so… vulnerable. But at the same time, it was nice to know that she wasn't cold as stone on the inside the way she was on the outside.

"Next question?"

Beast Boy thought for a second before he looked down to realize that he was still wearing her necklace. "Oh, um… Hang on a sec…" He unclasped the necklace and leaned closer to her. "I think this belongs to you," he said, clasping it around her neck this time.

Her hand flew up to the penny, and he watched as her face changed from relief to embarrassment. Her cheeks reddened, but he could hardly tell because of the hood of her cloak. "Thanks," she whispered.

"No problem. And it was a great idea, putting it on a necklace," he added, trying to dispel some of her embarrassment. He knew he'd failed when she looked down, the shadow of her hood now completely obscuring her face. "Okay, next question… Um… I don't know if you'd know the answer or not, but… What happened to Trigon? I mean, I was fighting him after you… well, you know, but when he was about to break into our world, I snuck up behind him to hit him again, but before I could, he vanished. Just disappeared completely, as if he'd never been."

Raven thought for a few seconds, silently going back over everything that had happened the night before. "His portal closed," she stated confidently.

"What do you mean? Weren't... Weren't you his portal?" By now, Beast Boy was thoroughly confused.

"I was his portal. His portal closed because my heart stopped beating," she said, her voice almost a whisper.

"Oh." He smiled to himself. Even in death, she had defeated her father again. And then, the inevitable expression of his own pride spoke into his thoughts.

I didn't do anything… Trigon's disappearance had absolutely nothing to do with me. In Raven's greatest time of need, I did absolutely nothing.

As the thought sunk in like lead in the pit of his stomach, he wanted to leap up and run back to Cyborg and tell him to give up on his search for Raven's favorite song. He was beginning to realize just how inadequate he was compared to Raven, and he wasn't going to try to force himself on her when he didn't even deserve her. He balled up his fists, suddenly angry at himself for being so useless. "I wasn't even strong enough to fight off Malchior on my own," he whispered, unaware that he'd even said it out loud.

"What do you mean?"

"I – Malchior was telling me to kill you, and he had complete control over me. I couldn't do anything but follow his lead." he shuddered in anger at himself. "Why am I so useless? The only reason you didn't die then and there was because I transformed into the Beast because his will is stronger than mine." That was it. He would never be good enough to have Raven for his own. She didn't deserve to have such a stupid runt as her boyfriend. Beast Boy gritted his teeth, ready to run back down and tell Cyborg to call it all off. What other choice did he have? He wasn't going to let such a wonderful girl stoop to his level. He didn't want that. He had never wanted that. He just wished he'd known it wouldn't work between them before he'd gotten his hopes up. "The Beast was the only form I could take that could break Malchior's spell. I was useless on my own, Raven."

He let out a quiet sigh, trying desperately to ignore how much he'd come to care for the person sitting next to him. But he would deal with not being able to have Raven as his own. If it meant she was happy, he would just have to be happy too.

"You're not useless, Beast Boy."

"Yes I am."

"No, you're not."

"Okay, fine. Give me one reason why I shouldn't think otherwise." He tried to keep the sudden fury out of his voice, in case Raven thought it was meant for her.

"You never turned into the Beast," she said simply.

"Yes I did, you were half conscious at the time."

"Conscious enough to open my eyes and see you change back to your human form and defeat Malchior."

Beast Boy was dumbfounded. He'd turned into the Beast, he'd been sure of it! But then… he had been able to control himself, even in his Beast form. And he could have sworn the hands that had snapped Malchior's neck were not his own. Right?

"But… But I morphed."

"I was watching, Beast Boy, I know what I saw."

"I… Really? I was myself?"

"Of course. I know which spell he used. He taught me the same one when he tricked me into breaking the curse."

"He did?"

"Mhm. Nervis mobile lignum. The same trick I used when I morphed you into a rat."

Beast Boy could feel his hear t begin to beat faster, convinced that she was telling him the truth.

"That spell is specifically tailored to shape shifters. Those shape shifters can only break the spell in their original forms, and only with a great deal of determination."

"So I had to have been myself to break the spell…" Could it really be possible that Raven was telling the truth? She had to be right… and at the moment, that was his only hope of ever feeling okay about asking her to be his girlfriend. "I broke it on my own."

"Yes, you broke Malchior's spell on your own. You saved my life, at least for that moment, on your own." she said calmly, as sure as if she were telling somebody the sky was blue.

"That's… That's nice to know," he said quietly. That's really nice to know, he thought, his heart soaring.

"Okay, next question."

"Actually, um… I think that was it…" There was one question that he was dying to ask, but he knew she'd probably be mad if he did.

"You're sure?"

"Yes." The conversation dropped there, and Beast Boy was beginning to wish he had more questions to ask just to hear her voice. Finally, his curiosity devoured his fear at being hurled into the ocean at top speed, and he sheepishly began. "Well, there was one question…"

"Ask away."

"You promise you won't hit me or something?"

Raven rolled her eyes at him. "Promise."

"No, you've gotta pinky swear!" he said, trying to say something funny to draw her attention away from his question. He was beginning to have second thoughts about asking, and right now, he wished he'd never said anything.

"Beast Boy, I said I promised, now just ask the stupid question." No nonsense Raven, as always. Besides, there was no turning back now. If he refused to tell her, Raven might hurl him into the ocean at top speed anyway.

"I… Okay… Um… Well, if you really…. had died… what do you think your biggest regret would be?"

Raven turned to look at him, eyes wide. Of all the questions to ask, Beast Boy was asking a… deep question? A hypothetical question? Maybe there was hope for his intelligent side yet.

"Please don't hurt me, Rae… ven…" he squeaked, reading her silence as anger and holding his hands up in the universal 'easy there' gesture.

"I'm not mad, Beast Boy. Just kind of stunned."

"Oh. Okay. Well, what's your answer then?"

Raven narrowed her eyes, staring at the ground for a few moments. "I… I don't really know… Let me think about it." Beast Boy was so relieved that she wasn't about to throw him off the building that he almost didn't catch her next few words. "What would yours have been?"

"What?" He hadn't expected her to turn the question back on him.

"What would your biggest regret have been if you had actually died last night?"

"Uh… I guess I have to think about it too…" Immediately, a few answers came to mind: not reaching out to Terra before she became Slade's apprentice, noticing earlier that something had been wrong with Raven over the past couple of weeks… He even thought for a second that he wanted to go back and change the day his prank on Cyborg – the one with the motor oil – hadn't ended up hitting Starfire instead. But each of these didn't seem as important as the answer he came up with next. It wouldn't be the logical answer, but he knew it was the truth. "Okay, I think I've got it… After Malchior betrayed you for the first time, and I was standing outside your room apologizing for calling you creepy… And you came out and hugged me…" He stopped, not sure how she would take the next few words.

"What?"

He took a deep, shaky breath, trying to muster up his courage. "Well, I think my biggest regret… the one thing I would go back and change if I could… would be not hugging you back."