Stranger than Fanfiction 5: A Date Less Normal

"Must you keep fidgeting, darling?" the girl with the makeup brush asks. Her name is Chika. She's in class 5. She's an old accomplice of Kensuke's.

"Sorry," Shinji replies, "I'm not used to having a pretty girl put makeup on me." It's true. Chika here is a real looker, especially the way her peach blouse dips lower when she leans in to brush more powder onto his face. Unfortunately, he has to keep his eyes closed. At least he gets to enjoy the tickling his folded arms are getting from Chika's loose, black hair. Well, tolerate is a better term. We all have to make sacrifices.

"Oh you charmer!" she exclaims, swatting at his shoulder playfully. "Keep this up and you'll be breaking every girl's heart in school."

"Sorry," Shinji replies.

"You shouldn't be sorry!" she exclaims, taking the typical scolding pose. "It's a gentleman's duty to complement a beautiful lady."

Shinji mulls over that for a bit while she goes back to work. I suppose I should take the time to explain while Shinji is thinking. Our dearest Shinji Ikari is getting his hair and makeup done for a fashion shoot. It was Kensuke's idea. He figured they could all make some pocket money by running a fan site for Shinji and selling signed prints and other...memorabilia. True to his predictions, Shinji's spending money has rapidly dwindled over the past week or so. While Mayumi didn't feel up to a second date just yet, they have left some options open for the future. And his last couple of dates have been a teensy bit more demanding than the shy girl. Shinji still hasn't gotten to go to the library.

"Well there we go. You can open your eyes now, Shinji-kun," Chika says, holding up a mirror. "Now you can take in the new you." Shinji's eyes take a second to adjust to the bright lights that are being set up by Kensuke's other "lovely assistant," Ami. He can spot Ami bent over the top of a ladder, struggling to zip tie a spotlight so that it shines on the right spot on the other side of the room. The short brush of black hair in her ponytail twitches back and forth every few seconds. Shinji's eyes are especially drawn to the way Ami's backside fills out her khaki shorts. Quickly, he averts his eyes before anyone catches him, cursing teenage hormones the whole time. To Ami's left, he can see Kensuke fiddling with his camera. And finally, Shinji's eyes fall on the mirror that Chika is still holding up for him to take. Chika coughs deliberately. And Shinji quickly moves to take it from her. He doesn't catch Chika's knowing smirk. With a resigned sigh, he looks in the mirror at "the new Shinji." His already long eyelashes stand out even more now thanks to some eyeliner and mascara. His hair is now stylishly tousled, kept from falling into his usual style by a generous application of styling product. And the girlish lines of his face have been softened ever still by Chika's makeup skills.

"I'm...pretty," Shinji says uncertainly.

"Well, of course you're pretty, darling! All I've done is bring it to the surface for all the world to see," she replies.

A crash echoes through the set as Ami hits the ground. "Son of a fucking bitch!" Ami exclaims from where she's nursing her bruised behind. Chika's long, black hair smacks Shinji in the shoulder as she whirls around. But he doesn't notice. He's already moving.

"Ami-san! Are you alright?" he asks as he holds his hand out for her.

"Yeah, I'm fine," she replies as she takes his hand to get up. "I just missed a step and fell. I almost busted my ass." It's a good thing she didn't. That would have been a waste of a perfectly fine ass.

Shinji sighs and mutters to himself, "You just couldn't resist that one, could you?"

"Are you sure you're alright, Ami-kun? I've just finished Shinji-kun's makeup. I'm sure I could give the rest of the lights a shot if you just want to take it easy," Chika chimes in.

Ami snorts in reply. "No thanks. I don't think you came dressed for manual labor today," she says, waving at the light blouse and capri pants that Chika is wearing.

Chika gives a dainty "Humph!" and says, "A lady must always look her best, Ami-kun, especially when in the presence of gentlemen!" But neither Ami nor Shinji catch Chika's eyes flitting over to where Kensuke is sitting back down to finish fiddling with his camera, having gotten up when Ami had her tumble.

"Wait. What?" Shinji thinks to himself.

"Whatever," Ami mutters as she goes back to fixing the lights.

Chika looks on for a bit before turning to Shinji. "Well, you're done for now. I may want to give you some touch ups later. But you'll want to sit down until we're ready for the shoot. Trust me darling, you don't want to get all sweaty right now. It'd put all our hard work to waste." she says, indicating the makeup chair Shinji'd been sitting in.

Sitting down, Shinji asks, "So...how long have you known Kensuke-san?"

"Hmm? Oh I've known Ken-chan for most of my life," she replies as she walks back over to her makeup and other supplies. "We've always gone to the same school. Even though we may not have always been in the same class," she says with the resounding clack from a makeup case.

"And Ami-san?" Shinji asks.

"Hmm? Oh Ami-kun moved here a few years ago with her father."

"No mother then?" Shinji mutters to himself. But Chika heard him. And so did someone else.

"No. Well, ahem, family business isn't the sort of thing a friend should be revealing." Chika says quickly.

"Mom's dead," Ami interrupts without looking up from where she is adjusting another of the lights. Her voice is hollow and subdued when she says, "She died in an accident when I was little. I don't really remember her." But that's not the whole story.

"I'm...I'm sorry," Shinji apologizes.

"Don't be," she says, half turning to look at him from her work. The whole story is that her mother was a scientist, a lab technician to be specific, at a lab in Hakone for an organization called Gehrin. And she did not die in an accident. "Anyway, dad got a big job offer here in Tokyo 3 a few years ago. So we moved down here. And I got to change schools...again."

"You know," Kensuke interrupts from where he's standing, having set down his camera and walked up to the other three, "I don't think anybody in class 2-A has both living parents."

"What?" Ami asks.

"Why do you say that?" Shinji asks.

"I did some digging through the school's files after you joined the class," Kensuke pushes his glasses up to punctuate. "And nobody in our class has two guardians on their contact sheet."

"There has to be some sort of explanation," Chika says. "Perhaps just one parent is listed?"

"My web search says differently," Kensuke retorts. "Of all the people I searched from our class, every person has their biological mother listed in the obituaries for the past ten years, except for Ikari here and Ayanami."

"My...mother..." Shinji says.

"However, I couldn't find an obituary for Ikari and Ayanami because I couldn't find anything for Ikari and Ayanami. Aside from the basic contact information provided to the school, both Ikari here and Ayanami are both blank slates." Kensuke trails off at the end, trying to figure out how to ask if Rei is a pilot like Shinji is.

"Ken-chan!" Chika exclaims. "I think that's enough! Can't you see that you're making everyone uncomfortable? This is a sensitive subject, after all." Kensuke has the decency to look chastened.

"It's alright, Chika-kun," Ami interrupts the gathering tirade. "Ken-san here is indulging his passion for conspiracies." Ami says with a wry look.

"No! It most certainly is not alright," Chika retorts.

"Ack! Sorry!" Kensuke says from a deep bow. "I'm sorry, okay! I didn't mean to bring up any bad memories. I was just... Well I wanted to know if..." Kensuke trails off again.

"Ayanami," Shinji interrupts with an uncomfortable look. "You want to know if Ayanami is a pilot like I am."

"Uhh...yeah," Kensuke says eloquently.

"She is," Shinji confirms, eyes closed at the memory of holding the pale bluette in his arms as she bled on the floor.

"Shinji-kun," Chika lightly squeezes Shinji's shoulder, interrupting the flashback before it can get too long and annoying, "you don't have to talk about it if it's too painful."

"Thanks," he says.

"Ahem well, as lovely as this whole conversation has been, we have work to get done," Ami interjects.

"Right, of course," Chika agrees, giving Kensuke a We Will Talk About This Later glare. It's super effective.

"Heh, I guess it's good for us that Rei's a pilot," everyone looks at Kensuke, trying to understand what he's trying to say. "Well, with the two of you always absent at the same times and vanishing during the day, mostly together, it was either that Rei is a pilot like you or you're dating her behind our backs." Kensuke attempts change the subject with a Joke. It's not very effective.

We rejoin our "hero" on the car ride to join his latest date, one Mana Kirishima, for the walk to a birthday party. Who is the party for? Who cares? We'll say her name is Jun and that she's a big fan of Shinji's. So he has a very fashionable outfit, thanks to Miss Chika. And he's going to bring a date, to help keep the fangirls off of him for the night.

"You know, you didn't have to drive me, Misato-san," Shiji says.

"Nonsense, Shinji! I barely see you as it is, these days. This is our bonding time!" Misato says with an enthusiastic flair and a glance in his direction. Shinji would rather she keep her eyes on the road. At these speeds, a second could mean life or death. "Or is it that you're too shy to introduce me to your latest floozy?"

"They aren't floozies, Misato-san, just girls that Hikari-san set me up with," Shinji defends. To be fair, there's really only been the one floozy, so far. But we'll get to her. Shinji grimaces at the memory.

"Shinji, if you're just going out with them to avoid disappointing them or Horaki-kun, I'll have to punish you. It's not right to play with a maiden's heart like that!" Misato admonishes.

"That's not…! It's complicated," Shinji replies.

"O-ho? Maybe I had it wrong, and I have to protect our cute little Shin-chan from all those pushy girls, then?" Misato teases. It's actually closer to being correct than her previous guess.

"They're not pushy, Misato-san," Shinji answers. "But the letters are getting a little creepy," he mumbles. Out loud, he says, "I'm just...tired of being alone, maybe."

"Letters? As in loo~ooove letters? You sly dog!" Misato exclaims as she puts Shinji's head into a lock to give him a noogie, pressing his head right into those wonderful mounds and removing her hands from the steering wheel. He might be about to die. But what a way to go.

"MISATO-SAN! Watch the road!" Shinji screams from his warm, soft prison.

"I am watching the road!" she replies. Shinji manages to tear his eyes off of the screeching, high speed doom coming towards them to look down at where Misato's knee is guiding the car while her hands keep Shinji firmly locked where every boy wants to go. When she finally releases him back to his seat, she says, "So the girls at school finally wised up to what a great catch you are?" More like they're entranced by the mysterious new kid being a giant robot pilot.

Shinji grouses, "I don't want fangirls...just a girlfriend, I guess."

Misato's eye gleams as she says, "Oh, so you want a girlfriend? I guess I'll have to make sekihan sometime soon."

Shinji swallows back the bile that rises at the thought of Misato''s...cooking. "Uhh…. That's not…," he stammers out, trying to get the mental flavor out of his mouth. "They probably already have that there, Misato-san. It is a birthday party, I think."

"But that's for someone else. I want to celebrate your blossoming!" Misato exclaims. She does that a lot. "Mou…. Whose party are we going to anyway?"

"Well, I don't...really know her. But Hikari-san does. And Kensuke-san said he took care of the present, whatever that means," and Shinji just dooms the night for himself.

"Well, it's too late to get another present now. You'll just have to put your trust in your friend to not let you down!" Misato says. But then she stops and looks thoughtful. "Are you sure it's you're okay going to a party for someone you don't know? Do you know...anyone who will be there?" She asks.

Shinji thinks for a moment. "Uhm, Toji-san and Hikari-san are going together. Kensuke-san and Chika-san will be there too. And...I think Ami-san said something about a date."

"Ami and Chika?" Misato asks teasingly. "So you're taking your new girl out to a birthday party for someone you don't know where you can show her off to your prior conquests." Misato glances at Shinji with a teasing smirk on her face. "Wow, Shinji, when did you become such a player?"

"They're not…! Ami-san and Chika-san are some of Hikari-san's and Kensuke-san's friends. They're helping me with...this," Shinji responds as best he can, leaving out his new part time job.

"With 'this?' With dating a new girl every week, you mean?" Misato asks with a skeptical look. "How much help do you need? From the sound of it, girls are throwing themselves at your feet!"

Shinji can't really think of anything at the moment. His mind has gone to where every teenage boy goes to in those happy times, Harem Land. Of course, we all know that Shinji Ikari is allergic to happiness. He gets this rash, a bright red thing that covers his entire face. Just look, it's gone to his ears now. He should have remembered his medication. While all of that embarrassing stuff is going on, Misato is thinking two things. First, she thinks, "Victory!" to herself. And then, her Mini-Misato changes into a cheerleader uniform to help celebrate her triumph over the feelings of a teenage boy. Teasing accomplished. But before Mini-Misato can get to the racy bits of the routine, Shinji just has to recover.

"Actually...we've started a fansite...for me. Kensuke-san takes the pictures. Chika-san does the outfits and...stuff. And Ami-san does the," Shinji pauses here to think of a polite word for 'grunt work,' "lighting work."

And sadly enough, Misato's mental booty shaking comes to an abrupt end as takes her eyes off the road to stare at Shinji. "So you're saying...that you're an idol now?"

And after watching a street sign pass entirely too close to his head, Shinji answers, "The road! Watch the road Misato-san!"

"Yeah, yeah, I'm watching it," halfheartedly, she doesn't add. "So, you've got fansite, a photographer, a personal costumer…. Hey, do you think I could get a job as your agent?"

"It's not...that big. It's just...the four of us trying to get some pocket money. I already spent all my spending money on the last few dates," Shinji says. He really should be glad that Kensuke knows how to set these sites up, do the photography, and arrange for deliveries. It's almost like he's done this before.

"The four of you trying to get pocket money?" Misato wonders. "Shinji, I need you to answer this honestly. Is this what you want? Or are they pressuring you into it?"

"Well…," Shinji hesitates to stall for time to think. "Kensuke-san came up with it He's...apparently done it before. He said it was a decent way to make extra spending money. And I don't have the free time for much else. I don't know what Ami-san and Chika-san are getting out of it." That's my cue. Miss Chika makes clothes in her spare time, both as a hobby and to sell. It's something of a passion for her. Shinji's new website will serve as basically free advertising for her. And Shinji gets a cut of anything sold from "The Shinji Ikari Line." Kensuke gets a cut of both the direct revenue from the websites he operates and from prints and other...memorabilia sold. Of course, most of the revenue goes back into overhead costs: server space, lighting, memory, whole cloth, accessories, etc. What is leftover gets split between the three partners. Ami gets paid directly by Chika and Kensuke. Though Chika may have sweetened the deal for Ami by throwing in an outfit or two for her...personal use.

Misato hums to herself. "I see. And I have to ask this question. Are you using your status as a Nerv employee to promote this side business of yours?"

"Huh?" Shinji asks, smartly. And with a "fuck you" glance skyward, he responds, "No. At least I hope Kensuke-san isn't doing that. I've seen that conspiracy page he runs."

"Well, please double check. I'm not sure if it's permitted or not. But if you are, you need permission from Nerv to do so," Misato responds.

"Well, I didn't wear anything with Nerv on it at the…," Shinji hesitates to find the right way to make "fashion shoot" sound manlier, "shoot that we just did."

"Just double check, Shinji." Misato says. "If Kensuke is doing it without your knowledge, you won't be held responsible."

"I will," Shinji says.

"Good. And Shinji…," she ruffles his hair affectionately, "I'm proud of you. Not every student has what it takes to have a job on the side...or the motivation to even try."

"Motivation?" Shinji mumbles to himself. "My life may depend on this." Too bad for him, Misato heard him.

"What was that?" Misato interrupts Shinji's momentary panic. "Your life may depend on your popularity at school?"

As Shinji finishes his mental scream of, "Crap! She heard that!" he reaches for an explanation. "Uhh, it's just...something...I heard...about pilots. They...have better luck...when they have a reason to come home." Sure, she'll believe that...not!

"How cruel! As if I'm not reason enough for you to want to come home after each mission," Misato teases.

"That's…," he sputters, red faced. But he recovers from his amusing embarrassment. "Hmph! Now you're just teasing me!"

"Oh Shinji. I'm always teasing you!" Misato lies...well half lies anyway. "But who was it who suggested a girlfriend as motivation? I can't say whoever it was is wrong. But I don't know if it's fair to you or the girls to set that kind of expectation," Misato makes a good point...while sober. Usually these kinds of philosophical revelations require a six pack. ...Probably shouldn't mention that while she's driving. "And more to the point, it's dating for all the wrong reasons! Dating should be about love!" And another good point from Misato. This says bad things about her BAC. "Was it Bob-sensei? I'll belt him one next time I see him if it was!"

"It...was something I read...about war…," says Shinji Ikari, master of deception.

"Try again," Misato catches him, "the truth this time, if you please."

I guess this calls for a time honored men's tradition, throwing a buddy or two under the bus to save your own hide, namely Toji and Kensuke. "It...it was Toji-san...and Kensuke-san," he lies smoothly, but forgot their reasoning. "They...said they were worried about me after...seeing me in the Eva," he gives a good one. Maybe he should throw in something about his own recklessness. Nothing like a little self-deprecation to sell a lie. "They said I shouldn't do such reckless things. Don't blame them, Misato-san. They're trying to help."

"Are you sure they weren't just trying to hook you up with some girls?" Misato asks. "I'll have to thank them next time I see them for getting you out of the apartment more often."

"No, I'm sure," Shinji answers. "I...wouldn't have gone if I didn't want to."

"Well it's good to hear that nobody can make you do something you don't want to." Misato says. "I was just worried that this was more questionable advice from the voice in your head." Questionable she says. This coming from a captain that can only keep her driver's license by flirting with the clerk at the bureau.

"Oh, him. He's still there, still talking," Shinji says.

"Oh uhm…," Misato hesitates, "well. Tell him I said hi." Hi Misato. She's really not good at these conversations. But I appreciate the view, nonetheless, especially how her seatbelt is separating her breasts.

Shinji sighs. "He says hi too."

Misato slams on the brakes, screaming, "He WHAT?" while yanking her head around to stare at Shinji.

"ARGH! The road! Watch the road!" Shinji screams.

"To hell with the road, Shinji!" Misato exclaims. "The voice in your head is trying to talk tome!"

"No!" Shinji counters. "He's talking about how you only keep your license by…," Shinji blushes at the image his mind conjured of Misato bent over a counter, trusting her perky talents to do the negotiating for her, "teasing the clerk."

"He WHAT!" Misato screeches. "When I get my hands on him…!"

"Him who," Shinji asks, "the voice in my head?"

"Err, right…," Misato says, "nevermind that." Misato puts the car into motion again, having slammed on the breaks to regard Shinji and his seeming insanity. They continue in silence for a while as Misato tries to figure out how to ask this next question. It's a bit of an uncomfortable question. After all, how do you ask the not-exactly-crazy boy if he can keep his not-crazy from, you know, killing all humans everywhere. As the source and symptom of his totally-not-craziness, I really want to see how she phrases this, myself. "Shinji, are you able to tune this voice out if you need to, like when you're paying attention to a girl...or piloting an Eva?"

Shinji takes a moment to think about his answer. "He...doesn't talk to me in the Eva." Yet. I don't talk to him in the Eva yet. "...Yet...apparently. But he talks to me when I'm on dates a lot." He stops for a moment to think about some of the terrible dates he's had up until now. There was the eight year old that he got set up with. And more than a few of them made him cry. But I really have to give him props for the stunt he pulled on that gyaru who wouldn't get off her phone.

"Shinji," Misato interrupts the awkward silence, "you realize that if this impacts your piloting performance, we may have to ground you indefinitely until it's resolved, right?"

"I…. I know," Shinji replies, unsure how to really feel about being taken from the Eva. He hasn't had much time to think about Eva at all, really, what with the frantic girlfriend shopping. But at least he doesn't have to worry about "the Voice" interfering with his synch scores.

"He...the Voice says he won't." Shinji says. "But…I don't…know." Misato doesn't really think that I'm a real person. She's more concerned about potential insanity. But she won't tell Shinji that…. Fat lot of good that did.

"Well," Misato interjects, "I'm sure we can trust the voice in your head to never lead you astray!" I hope this drive is over soon. I'm running out of exclamation points for Misato.

"Uhh…," Shinji hesitates, unsure of how to respond to that, "sure, I guess." And Shinji has every right to be unsure. After all, I completely intend to lead him astray. "Somehow I don't find that comforting," Shinji thinks to himself.

"Yeah. So," Misato interrupts the awkward silence, "who is this girl you're taking to the party today?"

"Oh, Kirishima-san is new at school, like me." Shinji says. "Hikari-san said she approached her to ask for an introduction. And Hikari-san set this up. I haven't met her yet." Of course, Miss Kirishima has her reasons for wanting to meet Shinji, aside from his pretty face, that is.

"Do you know anything about her at all?" Misato asks. She already suspects this new girl. Then again, she has every reason to be concerned. Misato is the main reason why a Section 2 team is always with Shinji on his dates, usually the same team. I believe you've already met them, my dear readers.

"Uhm. Not much." Shinji says. "She's new here. But Hikari-san said she was polite."

"Polite, huh?" Misato says. "Well that's something I guess. Sounds like a perfect match for you." Well, at least she isn't eating into my supply of exclamation points, unlike another woman we all know.

"Well, Hikari-san also said she was into martial arts and...stuff." Shinji says. "I think she said that Kirishima-san also asked about the Karate Club." For reference, the Karate Club at Shinji's school has been defunct ever since the Angels started showing up. A good number of the non-Nerv families moved away after the Third Angel showed up. In fact, new students showing up at Tokyo 3 Municipal Middle School is more than a little unusual. Hint.

"Oh. So she's into martial arts…." Misato says with a grin on her face that can only mean trouble. "That means she can protect you if anything bad happens, right?" Well, that wasn't too bad. Shinji's only just showing some color.

"You're teasing me again." Shinji responds. "Besides, I have bodyguards for that."

Oh I really like the smirk Misato is wearing right now. "But they can't follow you eh-ver-ee-where!" Misato teases. I knew I liked her for a reason. And just look at Shinji. I think he's choking. And he's beet red now.

"It's just a first date, Misato-san." Shinji answers. "And I'm a little young for...that, yet." Just in case you guys missed it, they're talking about sex, even if Shinji is almost afraid to say the word itself. So I have to say it for him, "sex."

"That's right!" Misato exclaims. "And that means you're not to try and pressure her into anything!" Woo! She had some heat in there. I think someone might have pushed her a little too far in the past. "But...err…. You're...Prepared if she takes the lead, right?" You can just hear the capital letters there.

"That…. I…. I don't think," Shinji stammers out, his face a bright, vivid red. The silence lasts a moment or two before Misato interrupts.

"Well, here we are!" Misato exclaims, gesturing to the train station.

"Oh. Uhm." Shinji hesitates as he reaches for the door handle. "Thank you for the ride, Misato-san."

"Don't mention it, Shinji-kun." Misato says as Shinji turns to exit the now open door. "Oh, but one thing first…." She's fishing in her purse for something, which she throws at Shinji's face a moment later. Dumbfounded at the impact, Shinji catches the object in his hands reflexively. And he can only stare at his hands, holding this foreboding thing...a condom. "Just in case."

"Alright Kid," says Agent K from Shinji's left, "you know the drill, pre-'event' briefing and all." K approaches from where the Section 2 van is parked, the other three visible members of Shinji's usual evening shift unit forming up behind K.

Shinji does his best to put aside the oh so very naughty thoughts that Misato was driving through his head to try and focus on something else...anything else, really. And a nice, boring security briefing should do the trick...not! "Yeah," Shinji says, putting the wrapped rubber in his pocket to freak out about later, "I'm ready." He really isn't.

"Alright well," K begins but is interrupted by a loud, obvious cough from J. "What?" K asks.

"Uh...may I?" J asks.

K just raises his eyebrow in response, until something clicks and he remembers what J is talking about. "Oh. Right. That." K says, waving J forward. "Go on."

J steps up from the line of agents to stand even with K, forming an uneven trapezoidal...thing...of agents instead of the neat and tidy isosceles triangle...which I doubt Shinji recalls the meaning of at the moment. "Uhh, me and the guys…," J starts to say before L coughs to interrupt him, "and her want to apologize for the thing with the skydiving last Saturday." Oh, funny story! "I'm sorry. Uhm…," he stops to think of how to say 'My bad' in Japanese, interrupting my story time at the same time. "It was my fault," he finally says, "we didn't know that you haven't gone through aerial drop training yet." Am I going to get to tell this story?

"I'm ignoring you!" Shinji thinks very loudly...and rudely I might add. Fine! I know when I'm not wanted! "It's okay," Shinji says. "I forgive you."

"Alright," K says as J rejoins his other Agents on the long side of the triangle, "as usual, the four of us will be shadowing you blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah, etc." He's not really saying the blahs. But really, who wants to hear this? It's boring. "Blah blah blah on the floorplan here," he doesn't really say, pointing to a blueprint of the house they're going to. "Blah blah blah exits blah."

Are they done yet? "Is who what now?" Shinji thinks, having tuned both me and Agent K out. And I'm still not talking to you. "Then who were you talking to," he thinks. For the record, I was talking to the readers. But I guess that's pointless, since they can't exactly answer me. "What readers?" Still not talking to you. He sighs. "You know, all this not talking to me seems to involve a lot of talking...to me, that is." I can hardly be blamed if Shinji happens to eavesdrop on my private conversations with the readers. "There you go with the readers again!" He shrieks in his head before schooling his thoughts and thinking, "Would it make you happy to tell that...humiliating story?" Why yes, Shinji, yes it would. And anything is better than listening to Captain Monotone describing an honestly very lush house...by Japanese standards anyway.

"But you know most of this already," Agent K interjects, before continuing with more pointless prattle that I won't bore you with.

"Hey! I still need to know this stuff!" Shinji thinks loudly. Not that it'll matter, really. He doesn't even really need bodyguards...yet. He will...eventually. "That does not comfort me." Anyhoo, the long and short of Shinji's newfound fear of flying is that he had a date with Hikari's older sister Kodama, who is a bit of an adrenaline junky. Unbeknownst to her date and her sister, Kodama set up a date with Shinji to go skydiving. She really only developed an interest in Shinji after seeing some of the bootleg footage of Eva Unit 01 going berserker against Sachiel and hearing the secondhand stories of Shinji's own bout with the fight or flight response. You know, the one where it got stuck in "homicidal rage" mode against Shamshel? "Sachiel? Shamshel?" Shinji thinks. "They have names?"

"A few things we should go over about this girl you're going to meet today," K interrupts again. I don't blame him, really. He can't really know how rude he's being to us. But to answer Shinji's question, yes they have names. And don't change the subject, Shinji. I was talking about Kodama, that crazy little minx. So, she gets the impression that Shinji is as much of a nutcase as she is and decides to go behind Hikari's back to arrange a date with Shinji after she hears that Hikari is setting Shinji up with girls. Shinji meets his date at the oddest place for a date, a tarmac. And he gets shuffled onto the plane before he even realizes that they're going skydiving. Thankfully, he'd been set up to do a tandem jump with an experienced skydiver, Agent J. But still, there was screaming and at least one attempt to run away. And here I thought he'd gotten over that little problem.

"People weren't meant to fly!" Shinji thinks vehemently. I know Shinji. Hell, with how loud you screamed that during the jump, I think all of Tokyo 3 knows how you feel about skydiving. Anyway, everyone involved except for Shinji got a massive dressing down for the entire incident, especially Kodama. Kodama had to get it first from Section 2, then from Misato, then her father, and finally from Hikari. I think the last one stung her the most.

"So, seeing as how nobody has anything on this girl, we're pretty sure she's a plant by some agency," and there goes Agent K, still prattling on about how Mana is a spy.

"Wait! Back up for a second!" Shinji stops K with a gesture. "My date is a spy?!" Of course she's a spy, Shinji, for the Trident Program to be specific. They're supposed to be yet another agency established to try and combat the Angels. Unfortunately, they haven't had too much luck with the whole AT Field thing. So they mostly just have really cool transforming robots and teenage pilots.

"We're fairly sure that she's a plant by a domestic agency to try and get sensitive information from you," K states plainly. "Her record is too clean to belong to a normal person. It's been whitewashed of anything not essential. So be doubly careful with what information you volunteer."

Shinji just sighs out a, "Lovely, just what I need."

"Well Kid, we expected something like this to happen. It's half the reason why my team is here," K says.

"I know. I'm just...I'm sorry for making you guys go through all this trouble," Shinji falls back to his old habit of apologizing. And he was doing so well this past week.

"Kid," K interrupts Shinji's pending pity party, taking off his sunglasses to look Shinji in the eye, "don't ever apologize for trying to have a life. My team and I are here because we want to be."

"Hell Kid," J interjects, "we fought for this detail."

"Almost literally," K says, looking back at L. L, to her credit, has the grace to flush a tiny bit.

"Not my fault that bitch could only think of her career," she defends.

"So kid," K says while turning back to Shinji, "don't worry about us. Just worry about having a good time. It's what you should be doing anyway." Shinji honestly doesn't know what to think about this.

So while we wait and Shinji fidgets, I should probably tell you a few stories. It's been a busy week for our Shinji. He's been on a few dates, started up a business with a few classmates, and even learned to burn someone over the internet.

"Can you please drop that," Shinji thinks pointedly. "I'm not proud of what I did." He's not. He's really not. So I have to be doubly proud for him. Because really, that was a master stroke. Shinji just crosses his arms at me. Fine. Okay, I get it. Well, we can start from the beginning then.

His first date of the week was one of the upperclassmen at the school. Though, that was a might bit misleading of a statement. Yes, she is a grade or two ahead of Shinji. Shinji sighs again. "That wasn't a date," Shinji thinks. I think the onlookers thought differently. But their brains must have frozen up when you called her 'sempai.' You certainly did seem to have a good time, though. "I am not a pedophile!" Think it as much as you like, Shinji. But in all honesty, Hikari hadn't known how old the girl was when she set up the date, too busy with her duties...and her new boyfriend. Another class rep approached intending to set up a meeting so Shinji could meet a young prodigy that was struggling a bit to fit in in the higher grades. Most of this got lost in the translation and Hikari thought it was another proposed date, this time with a sempai. So Shinji goes in expecting an older woman and gets...well….

"Good evening, Ikari-san!" an adorable little girl that barely came up to Shinji's chest said as she jogged up that day with a huge white dog in tow. "Did you wait long?"

Shinji's brain broke a little when I explained to him that yes, this was his date for the evening. "Mihama...sempai?" he asked out loud.

"Yes, that's me," the girl said. "I'm so sorry I'm late. But Tadakichi-san here needed to stop and use the little doggie's room."

"Little?" Shinji mumbled out, staring at the dogosaurus.

The girl looked a little put out. "He...can't help how big he is. And even so, he's still just a puppy."

"Puppy...right…." Shinji said.

It took some doing. But after a while they got the whole mess sorted out. But that's boring so I'll skip over that. In fact, most of that evening was boring. Why don't we skip that one entirely?

"The only normal evening I've had in three weeks and he wants to skip it," Shinji thinks. Well, normal is boring. Though I do have to wonder what it says about Shinji that the best date he's had so far was with an eight year old. Or I could talk about how you two started swapping recipes and comparing pets: her giant dog to his alcoholic penguin. "First, Penpen does not drink that much. And second, yes we can skip this, all of this. I'd like to wait in silence, for once."

Nope! Not happening! But before I move on to the hikikomori you tried to date, I will say this about Shinji's "date" with Miss Mihama. He made a singular mistake. At the end, he said, "Well, at least these dates can't get any worse."

His next date was even more boring than the eight year old, if that were possible. Granted, she was a fine conversationalist, bubbly and energetic even. She always sent the brightest expressions. And she held up her end of the conversation well, given her company. There was just one problem…. She did this all over text messages.

"And we were right next to each other!" Shinji thinks loudly. Yeah, it seems that next date has problems talking to people. In fact, I don't think her expression changed at all during the entire date. And she compensates for that by jamming all that emotive energy into text messages.

"Can we please stop talking about this?" Shinji thinks. I don't have to guess why. He doesn't want to think about what she wanted to roleplay out with him...in text messages...during dinner. I find it odd that a teenage boy doesn't want to talk about heavy petting with a teenage girl. And Shinji just sputters a little. "With all those people around?!" Well I guess not everyone can be adventurous. That a girl who won't even speak is more adventurous than you says something, Shinji.

"Hello Shinji-kun!" a girl interrupts.

"Finally! A distraction!" Shinji thinks, sighing in relief. "You would be Kirishima-san, then?" Shinji asks the black haired girl out loud.

"Yeah, sure! So...were you waiting long for our...date?" the skinny girl says.

"No, not at all," Shinji lies unconvincingly.

"Well, we should go then!" the shorter girl exclaims, grabbing Shinji's hand to pull him along...not very well, mind you. She seems to be having a small bit of trouble, needing to put her weight into pulling Shinji along. Now, that seems odd for a martial artist.

"Ignoring you!" Shinji thinks, loudly. Of course, even ignoring my warnings, he should really have noticed that the 'martial artist's' grip is not nearly as strong as it should be. Seriously, does this girl skip gym too? I'd understand, really.

"First we'll hit that party and make all the girls jealous!" the shorter girl says.

"Uhm," another girl interrupts Shinji's abduction, "Ikari-kun?"

Shinji turns to his left and sees the girl that addressed him, an athletic looking, auburn haired girl wearing a red plaid skirt and white blouse. "Yes," Shinji answers.

"I think we're supposed to be meeting today," the real Mana answers.

"Hey!" the intruding fangirl interjects from Shinji's right, "I got here first!"

Mana just clasps her hands and addresses Shinji, "Kirishima Mana, pleased to meet you!"

The fangirl storms around to glare at Mana, dragging Shinji's hand with her. "No! I'm Kimishima Mana!""It's Kee-ree-shee-mah Mah-nah. And you are?" Mana asks with a cheeky grin. The fangirl just growls at Mana. Oh look! The anorexic fangirl is threatening the double blackbelt, how adorable.

"Ladies!" Agent J says, breaking up a perfectly good one-sided catfight in the making by slapping a hand down on the fangirl's shoulder, "I think I know how to settle this. Why don't we see some ID?" J asks, causing the fangirl to blanche while Mana goes for her newly printed school ID in her purse. J nods Mana over towards K while his hand keeps the fangirl firmly planted in place. Shinji decides right then to let his security team do their job.

"Here you go," Mana says as she hands her ID over to Agent K.

"Ahh, thank you Miss...Kirishima," K says after checking the school ID twice, once to skim the information and once again to memorize the contents for a fact check later. After returning the ID to Mana, he turns to L and says, "Agent Mclain, would you do the honors and search 'Kimishima-san.' Let's get this cleared up and find out who she really is."

"Of course, sir. I'd be delighted," Agent L says, pulling some latex gloves from under her jacket while Agent J marches the poor fangirl over towards L and the van. "Now, who brought the lube today?" L asks the assembled agents. Shinji's eyes are wide, by this point. He can relax. They're not really going to stick fingers anywhere. They're just going to scare her a bit, go through her pockets and purse, and call her parents...well parent or guardian.

Shinji turns to Mana. "So…," Shinji says, finally, "should we go get a drink while they...do...that?" He gestures at the agents and the van.

Mana quarter turns to look at Shinji. "And miss this?" she nods at where the agents are giving the fangirl an excuse to change her underwear. "No!" she says firmly, turning back to watch some more. "I'm going to enjoy this," she says, clasping her hands with feigned innocence. And I already like this girl.

Shinji just sighs, thinking, "Well, at least I'm getting to know my security." Think what now? "Their names. I got to learn one of their names," he thinks like it's the most obvious thing in the world. Too bad that Mclain isn't L's real name. "What?" Shinji thinks. L's real name is Agent L: surname Agent and given name L. "What," Shinji thinks. "You're not serious, right?" Of course not, Shinji. Shinji just groans.

(Author notes)

I would like to thank my betas, Caphriel and Kyadytim, for putting up with me. I'm hoping that the new chapters will start coming out quicker, mostly because the plot is going to pick up after this current chapter. We're rapidly running out of time between the Fourth and Fifth Angels. And I have some plans for Ramiel.

So yeah, next time on Stranger than Fanfiction, the hijinks pick up when Shinji picks up a third wheel on a first date in: Two Girls, One Shinji. Hmm. Oh and Misato would want me to promise you more fanservice.