Shit Happens - Chapter Eighteen

Nikki appeared again in the dock, looking timid and pale. She glanced towards Helen, who smiled supportively back. She allowed herself to return the gesture, but it failed to meet her eyes which held pure fear in them. The court rose as the judge returned. AS everyone else was seated, Nikki was instructed to remain standing. A hush settled around the courtroom, with reporters awaiting the sentence with bated breath. Helen found herself holding hers, subconsciously as though normal life and death things did not matter.

"Miss Nicola Wade, I agree with the findings of the jury as there can be little question that your actions led to the death of Detective Constable Peter Gossard. I am therefore sentencing you to serve 10 more years in prison, with a recommendation that at least half of this sentence must be completed before your case is reviewed. However, due to the success of the electronic tag and curfew order placed on you whilst awaiting trial, and testimony which convinces me you are no longer a threat to the general public, I am taking the unprecedented step of suspending your sentence for three years. Any violation of the law during this period will leave us no choice but to send you back to prison. Do you understand?" Nikki nodded numbly, not really hearing what the judge was saying. "You may step down, you are free to go." Nikki remained standing in the dock, not understanding. She had been found guilty and he said she had to go to prison for at least the next five years and now he was telling her she was free to go? Helen ran to the dock as a police woman led her down. She hugged Nikki hard, squeezing all the breath out of her. Claire joined them, beaming from ear to ear and congratulating Nikki. Still numb, Nikki was led from the court to collect her belongings and go home.

Finally finding her voice, she asked, "What just happened in there?" Helen laughed and Claire tried to explain to Nikki what she had to do to stay out of prison.

"Now we go home, Nikki." Helen took Nikki's hand in her own, taking her holdall from her. She walked to the car and threw it into the backseat, too impatient to put it in the boot. Nikki's brain was still having trouble digesting what had happened. 'This changed everything, didn't it?' Nikki was not sure. Was it still fair to Helen to put her through so much? She realised that Helen was talking to her and tried to concentrate on what she was saying. Everything seemed to be happening in a different part of the world to her, she could not quite break through this thick fog that was surrounding her, dulling her senses.

"Nikki, have you heard a word I've said?"

"Sorry, what? Sorry. I er…"

"Still trying to take it in, huh?"

"Yeah. I mean I really thought I'd be on my way up North to a prison cell now and that I'd stay there for the next God-knows-how-many years."

"Well let's celebrate the fact that you're not. You're a free woman, as long as you can learn to be a good girl for the next three years!"

"What do you have in mind?" No matter what Helen tried, she could not seem to make Nikki as excited as she felt. Sure it was one hell of a big shock. She too had been sure Nikki would not be travelling this route with her at the end of the day, but here she was and Helen wanted to let everybody know just how happy she was about it. Nikki seemed distant and preoccupied though, as if lost in thought.

"I don't know. It's your celebration, why don't you choose? How do you want to start the rest of your life?" Slowly as it dawned on Nikki, a grin spread across her face which would have put the Cheshire Cat to shame.

"Oh I know one way!" Helen said nothing but floored the accelerator.

They lay for hours, neither wanting to move or let the real world encroach on their happy cocoon. Eventually, the world became closer to Nikki again as her head began to recover from the days events. As she lay, holding Helen as she dozed, idly stroking her arm, she ran through what had happened. Everything since the verdict had been returned had passed by in a blur, as though Nikki was watching it from outside of her body, her mind completely detached. Despite their lovemaking, Nikki still had her concerns about the effect her presence had had on Helen's life so far. There was still such a long way to go and all Nikki did was seem to complicate things. Helen had told her about the job offer whilst she was in the hospital. She knew it was for the best, and if they moved, Helen could rest assured that Laura would not be able to send anyone after her. Nikki shuddered as she thought of all Helen had gone through, how she had suffered and had to cope on her own because Nikki could not be there. And now for the next three years, Nikki had to be careful not to get so much as a speeding ticket or else she faced being sent back to prison. Nikki knew how long three years could be and she did not kid herself to think that the police would not go out of their way to put her back behind bars. Could she really avoid it in the face of provocation? Would she really have the self restraint? She somehow doubted it. It had been easier inside and there had been less to lose. A few days down the block seemed like a holiday compared to the thought of losing Helen.

As if sensing Nikki's turmoil, Helen reached up and stroked a hand down Nikki's face, guiding it to meet her own. Seeing the look in Nikki's eyes, Helen tried to assure her that everything would be fine now that the trial was over.

"Do you really believe that Helen? What so the cops are going to say 'Oh well, she's done her time, now'? Do me a favour. I'm going to have to watch my back everywhere I go, because there's always going to be someone who knew him or a friend of a friend who wants to see me put away for the rest of my life. Do you think I've changed so much that I'll never hit out at anyone ever again?"

"I'm not saying it'll be easy." Nikki climbed from the bed and paced over to the window, turning her back on Helen. "Nikki, sweetheart, we can do this…together. I'm going to take this new job and we can find somewhere to live, our own place. You've got the money from the sale of the club, maybe you could start again."

"Get real, Helen. No one is going to grant me a licence to sell alcohol, not after what happened."

"Nikki, you can't think like this. You've got to be positive. You'll find something. What about your gardening, maybe you could give that a go?"

"I weeded the gardens at Larkhall for two and a half years, yeah that really qualifies me to start my own gardening business." Helen groaned in exasperation. Today should have been filled with promises of a new life together, but Nikki was once again being a pessimist.

"Oh I give up." Helen left Nikki to it and locked herself in the bathroom, needing a shower to ease the tension that had sprung to her muscles. This was the way Nikki had been since Di had tried to smother her. Helen wondered if she needed counselling to deal with what had happened, she had even suggested it once, only to be told where to go in no uncertain terms. If this was how it was going to be with Nikki though, Helen realised the hard work had only just begun.

Nikki sunk onto the bed, tears stinging her eyes. Why was she being like this with Helen? Why put her through this? Why, because she had to make her see what Nikki had already realised. If so many obstacles had been put in their way, why did they not heed the signs? To Nikki, it was obvious that it was not meant to be. Nothing right should ever be so much hard work, cause so much pain and suffering along the way. She wondered how long it would take Helen to get fed up with the treatment she was being afforded, but no matter how much Nikki wanted everything to be perfect, she knew it could never be. If they told the truth, neither of them expected Nikki to still be free in three years time so why go through their time always wondering when it would end? She had expected being freed to feel great, that being with Helen would be the only thing she cared about, but it wasn't. She cared too deeply for Helen to stand by and watch what she was doing to her life. But now she could do something about it. She was no longer a spectator unable to control anything, watching from a distance. She dressed and found a pad of paper and began to write Helen a letter, explaining everything.

Helen stepped from the shower, shivering but feeling calmer than before. She was determined to have it out with Nikki. They were going to get to the root of the problem and then they were going to put it behind them. They had their whole future together and they had to find a way to work through their problems and discuss them calmly and rationally. As she stopped the shower, she thought she could hear Nikki moving about in the bedroom, it sounded as though she was pacing around. Another thing Nikki would have to stop. All that constant moving around would make Helen sea-sick in no time. She wrapped a towel around her damp body and thought about tackling Nikki straight off. She reconsidered though, deciding it was probably wiser to dress first. It would not do for them to be side tracked, there were obviously important issues to be discussed.

Nikki packed the last of her clothes into her holdall as Helen walked out of the bathroom. She forced herself not to be swayed by Helen standing dressed only in a towel, looking incredibly sexy with wet hair plastered around her face. That face dropped, eyes flickering around the room, taking in Nikki's bag, eyes focusing back on Nikki in confusion.

"What's going on?"

'You're doing it because you love her.' Nikki's mind was filled with this chant as though she was still desperately trying to convince herself. "I'm sorry, I wanted to be gone before you came out. It's for the best. I wrote it all down, it explains it better than I can. I'll keep in touch with Claire so I know when Laura and Fenner's trial is. I'm really sorry Helen, but I can't do this to you anymore."

"Do this to me? What do you mean?" Helen tried to grab Nikki's arm, but she was shrugged off.

"I've gotta go. Read the letter when I've gone, please. You'll understand then. Always remember this though, I will always love you and adore you, too much to put you through anymore shit. You once said to me that shit happens. Well too much has happened to us and I think it's time to listen to what fate is trying to tell us. Shit won't happen to you again, Helen." Nikki picked up her bag and walked towards the front door. Helen raced after her, almost rugby tackling her to prevent her from going.

"What, so I put my neck on the line for you, trying to do everything I can to get you out of prison and then what, a quick shag as payment and you walk out of my life?" Nikki pulled Helen to her and kissed the top of her head.

"Read it, Helen. I love you, but I have to do this." Nikki turned and opened the door. She forced herself not to look back, knowing that she would not go through with it if she did. She felt Helen tugging at her sleeve, clinging on to it until Nikki pulled the door closed behind her. Helen watched her go, too shocked to react, turning the letter over in her hands as she watched the light disappear from her life. Helen was about to chase after Nikki, to talk her out of this madness, but realised she only wore a towel. Cursing she dashed to the bedroom and threw on the first clothes she found. Still fighting with her trainers, she sprinted out of the door and to the gate. Nikki was nowhere to be seen as Helen desperately searched up and down the street. She ran to the end of the road in the direction Nikki had turned as she left the gate but there was still no sign. Her neighbour was just leaving as she returned to the flat and assumed that she was looking for her friend who'd just left.

" You just missed her, she got on the bus."

"Which one, did you see?" Helen only just stopped herself from grabbing the bloke's collar.

"Sorry." With that he walked off, leaving Helen dejected on the front doorstep. She shuffled back inside, still trying to comprehend what had happened. Where had it gone wrong? If Nikki loved her as she claimed to, why had she left? She returned to the bedroom and sank into the bed, still warm from their bodies. Seeing the discarded letter, she picked it up and began to read it with shaking hands.

Dearest Helen,

This is the hardest letter I have ever had to write. Never did I imagine that I would have to do something so hard and you have to believe that this is hard for me. I love you so much Helen, more than life itself which is why I have to do this. One day you will look back and understand, when the pain is gone. Since I first met you, your life has been turned upside down by your own admission. You have sacrificed so much and been through more than anyone should have to. Now I am free, it should come to an end but it wouldn't. There would always be another obstacle, another problem. If it was meant to be we would not have to fight for it all the time. You have lost your career, your husband and chance of a 'normal' life and been placed in danger all because I convinced you that you shared what I felt for you. I should not have pursued you like I did and with hindsight would not do so again. I do not regret our time together, please don't think that I do, but I do regret what it cost you. I love you too much to put you through any more. I will always love you and hate myself for leaving this way, but it really is for the best for you. I am eternally grateful for the trust you showed in me and for all your efforts to allow me to be free and I could never thank you enough for it. You once said that we could never have an equal relationship and while you kept it in the context of Larkhall, it is true for out here too. I owe you too much to ever be your equal and I cannot see a way by which to come even close to making us so. Please, don't hate me for walking out on you like this. I did not intend it to be this way. I had it all worked out, I would be transferred to a prison far away and I would write to you then. I thought things might be different if I were free, but I was just kidding myself. Never forget that I will always love you, you will always be the most important and special person I have ever and will ever know. Forgive me.

All my love forever

Nikki x

The words swam on the page before Helen's eyes as she wept for the loss of the greatest love of her life.

Nikki sat on the bus as it pulled from the station, knowing that Helen would probably have read the letter by now. Ignoring the stares of the other passengers, she sobbed as she looked from the window, mourning the loss of the only person she had ever truly been in love with. There was no going back now. She knew she must face whatever the future held in store for her, no matter how uncertain that future was.

The End…?