Authors: Lady Alyssa and Random Dent (yes, terror has a new name, Random
Flatmate has gone and got a proper pseudonym and uploaded some of her own
writing – that's a hint about looking it up, by the way)
Rating: R (Language, slash and general bitching)
Disclaimer: JRR Tolkien owns all of the characters and also has out sincerest apologies.
Story notes: The title is Latin for 'in wine there is truth'. It seems to work for Aragorn and Boromir anyway.
A few weeks had passed since the council of Elrond and the Fellowship of the Ring had been formed, but there was still some bad feeling between Aragorn and Boromir. Aragorn decided that he would have to try and heal the rift for the sake of the Fellowship and the success of the quest and that this was going to have to be done in the most acceptable way to Boromir's sensibilities. They were going to sit down together and get completely and utterly bladdered.
Conversation had intitially been a little stilted, keeping itself to such topics as 'The weather's nice in Rivendell', 'the weather's always nice in Rivendell'. And 'Gondor's nice, isn't it', 'yes, it is, but you're not king'. However, the effects of alcohol had loosened their tongues and now they were talking like old friends, or, more accurately, bitching like old friends.
"How'd'you manage it? You spent the last three,three,three…weeks with four of the gayest Hobbits in the whole of Middle Earth…"
"How'd you know they're the gayest Hobbits, you've never met any other Hobbits, that migh' be normal for them."
"If thas normal for a Hobbit, there wouln be any more," Boromir waved his hands around about foot apart in front of him, "little things…baby Hobbits! Thas it."
"True, ok, they are the world's gayest Hobbits. You know how Hobbis do things quietly?"
"I didn' but I do now."
"Well, they do. Everythin. And I mean everythin. You wander off into the woods, looking for a quiet place to have a piss and then you trip over randomly copulating Hobbits. 'Sembarrassing."
"I know. Tripped over…thing and thing las night. In the water garden. At it like fuckin' rabbits. Littlest one…not ringbearer?"
"Pippin?"
"Yes, thastheone. Tried to bite me, then tried to proposition me. Quite disturbin'."
"Yeah, he gets really, really abusive when you put him off his rhythm."
"Did he try to bite you?"
"No, he jus' kicked me." Aragorn started giggling. "Hehehehehe, he must fancy you!"
"Least I don' fancy the ringbearer."
"I do not fancy the ringbearer."
"Yeah, right."
"I do not, but anyway, ringbearer."
Boromir got the joke and they spent the next five minutes lying on the floor laughing hysterically at it.
"At leas' the ringbearer and whatisname are a bit more subtle."
"Yeah, never seen one of them put his hand down the other's trousers in public."
"But they keep playing footsie at dinner. 'S most off-putting."
"Really? Never noticed."
"Thas cos you never end up sitting next to them. Sometimes they miss and get the wrong set of legs."
"Anyway, stop talking bout Hobbits. Hobbits boring, all they ever do is eat an' fuck. Sometimes at the same time."
"Argh, stoppit, stoppit, bad mental images."
"Ah, so you saw them with the mustard as well, did you?"
Boromir stuck his fingers in his ears and started going 'la la la' very loudly and very flat. Then he changed the subject. "So what about thingy, elf boy, or is it elf girl…?"
"You takin the piss, I was brought up by elves, you know."
"Yesh, but on you it doesn't show. Y' butch."
Aragorn looked confused.
"Was tha' a compliment?"
"No, course it wasn't you bastard throne-taker. Putting my family out of the job the job they've had for generations. My father goes up that palace at the first hour and sits at the stewarding face, works a twelve hour shift, staggers home to only a four course banquet. Me and my brother, we'd been up t'palace learning stewarding since we were 5, been out killing orcs since we were 7."
"I think we both need another big drinky."
Boromir relaxed slightly. "Tha' sounds like a good idea."
Aragorn took a swig out of an unmarked bottle of clear liquid, grinned and swayed slightly. "Try thish, 's good stuff."
Boromir took a drink. "Were you get this from."
"Was in the bottom of Arwen's cupboard."
"She doesn't mind?"
"She doesn' know."
"Wha' ish it anyway?"
"Dunno."
"You mean it cou' be window cleaner?"
"No, aren't any windows here. Not any with glass anyway."
"Thash a'right then."
Boromir and Aragorn proceeded to drink large amount of said clear liquid, but surprisingly, did not go blind. They also managed the not inconsiderable feat of remaining upright. Well, mostly upright. Diagonally leaning against each other and pillars, but closer to vertical than the Hobbits spent most of their time anyway.
"But going back to the elf thing. Him and Elrond have definitely got something going on."
"Yeah. It's jus' embarrassing when you walk in and they're both in drag."
"Specially since someone really, really needs to tell Legolas that orange really, really doesn' suit him."
"But Elrond's dark red dress looks really nice."
"You just said you liked another bloke in a dress."
"He's my foster father, 'm used to it. I can look at it on a purely aesthetic level."
"I take it back what I said about the elves not having any effect on you."
"Hey, I'm the one with the girlfriend. And I know what the men of Gondor say about you."
"What? That I'm bloody good in bed?"
"More or less. But without the bed, and that you don't know the meaning of words like 'no' and 'sod off'."
"I've got urges you know."
"I know. And so does half of Gondor. And some of the elves."
"Speaking of which, Aragorn…?" He attempted to look at Aragorn alluringly, but just succeeded in making his eyes look even more unfocused.
"If you try anything, I'll set Arwen on you."
Boromir refocused his eyes. The idea was a lot less appealing now.
Aragorn decided to change the subject. "What about the beardy-weirdies? Didn't you ever think it was suspicious that he spends all his time in the Shire with the Hobbits?"
"Tha's disgusting, they're only like 4 feet tall."
"You should know, you've got Pippin humpin' your leg all the time."
"Shutup, shutup. Stop talking about my stalker like that."
"Although I suppose, with where their head height is…"
"Shutup, shutup, shutup."
"Ok, I don't think anything goes on with Gandalf and the Hobbits if only because no Hobbit would ever shag anything that beardy."
"But they do have those great, big hairy feet."
"D'you fancy your stalker?"
"No, definitely not. I'm not a kinky Hobbit lover, like some people."
"What? You mean Gimli?"
"Yeah, but it's the same as with Gandalf, no Hobbit would ever shag anything that hairy." Boromir stroked his own stubble thoughtfully.
"Don' even think about it. I can't be the only one on this quest keeping to proper standards of masculine behaviour. Anyway, the only razors round here are the ones Elrond uses on his legs."
Boromir shuddered. The stubble was going to have to stay.
They both looked round when they heard the sound of bare feet running across the stone floors. A small hairy bundle hurled itself at Boromir and started kissing him, apparently not noticing that Aragorn was still in the room.
Aragorn decided that it was getting to that point in the evening when he should go and find Arwen, so got up to leave. At the door he was passed by another hairy bundle. Well, Merry and Pippin were never far apart, but this hairy bundle was not in a good mood.
"Pippin, you bastard, you said you'd share!"
On second thoughts, Aragorn was going to talk to Legolas. He wasn't going to be the only one on this quest who wasn't a Kinky Hobbit Lover.
Rating: R (Language, slash and general bitching)
Disclaimer: JRR Tolkien owns all of the characters and also has out sincerest apologies.
Story notes: The title is Latin for 'in wine there is truth'. It seems to work for Aragorn and Boromir anyway.
A few weeks had passed since the council of Elrond and the Fellowship of the Ring had been formed, but there was still some bad feeling between Aragorn and Boromir. Aragorn decided that he would have to try and heal the rift for the sake of the Fellowship and the success of the quest and that this was going to have to be done in the most acceptable way to Boromir's sensibilities. They were going to sit down together and get completely and utterly bladdered.
Conversation had intitially been a little stilted, keeping itself to such topics as 'The weather's nice in Rivendell', 'the weather's always nice in Rivendell'. And 'Gondor's nice, isn't it', 'yes, it is, but you're not king'. However, the effects of alcohol had loosened their tongues and now they were talking like old friends, or, more accurately, bitching like old friends.
"How'd'you manage it? You spent the last three,three,three…weeks with four of the gayest Hobbits in the whole of Middle Earth…"
"How'd you know they're the gayest Hobbits, you've never met any other Hobbits, that migh' be normal for them."
"If thas normal for a Hobbit, there wouln be any more," Boromir waved his hands around about foot apart in front of him, "little things…baby Hobbits! Thas it."
"True, ok, they are the world's gayest Hobbits. You know how Hobbis do things quietly?"
"I didn' but I do now."
"Well, they do. Everythin. And I mean everythin. You wander off into the woods, looking for a quiet place to have a piss and then you trip over randomly copulating Hobbits. 'Sembarrassing."
"I know. Tripped over…thing and thing las night. In the water garden. At it like fuckin' rabbits. Littlest one…not ringbearer?"
"Pippin?"
"Yes, thastheone. Tried to bite me, then tried to proposition me. Quite disturbin'."
"Yeah, he gets really, really abusive when you put him off his rhythm."
"Did he try to bite you?"
"No, he jus' kicked me." Aragorn started giggling. "Hehehehehe, he must fancy you!"
"Least I don' fancy the ringbearer."
"I do not fancy the ringbearer."
"Yeah, right."
"I do not, but anyway, ringbearer."
Boromir got the joke and they spent the next five minutes lying on the floor laughing hysterically at it.
"At leas' the ringbearer and whatisname are a bit more subtle."
"Yeah, never seen one of them put his hand down the other's trousers in public."
"But they keep playing footsie at dinner. 'S most off-putting."
"Really? Never noticed."
"Thas cos you never end up sitting next to them. Sometimes they miss and get the wrong set of legs."
"Anyway, stop talking bout Hobbits. Hobbits boring, all they ever do is eat an' fuck. Sometimes at the same time."
"Argh, stoppit, stoppit, bad mental images."
"Ah, so you saw them with the mustard as well, did you?"
Boromir stuck his fingers in his ears and started going 'la la la' very loudly and very flat. Then he changed the subject. "So what about thingy, elf boy, or is it elf girl…?"
"You takin the piss, I was brought up by elves, you know."
"Yesh, but on you it doesn't show. Y' butch."
Aragorn looked confused.
"Was tha' a compliment?"
"No, course it wasn't you bastard throne-taker. Putting my family out of the job the job they've had for generations. My father goes up that palace at the first hour and sits at the stewarding face, works a twelve hour shift, staggers home to only a four course banquet. Me and my brother, we'd been up t'palace learning stewarding since we were 5, been out killing orcs since we were 7."
"I think we both need another big drinky."
Boromir relaxed slightly. "Tha' sounds like a good idea."
Aragorn took a swig out of an unmarked bottle of clear liquid, grinned and swayed slightly. "Try thish, 's good stuff."
Boromir took a drink. "Were you get this from."
"Was in the bottom of Arwen's cupboard."
"She doesn't mind?"
"She doesn' know."
"Wha' ish it anyway?"
"Dunno."
"You mean it cou' be window cleaner?"
"No, aren't any windows here. Not any with glass anyway."
"Thash a'right then."
Boromir and Aragorn proceeded to drink large amount of said clear liquid, but surprisingly, did not go blind. They also managed the not inconsiderable feat of remaining upright. Well, mostly upright. Diagonally leaning against each other and pillars, but closer to vertical than the Hobbits spent most of their time anyway.
"But going back to the elf thing. Him and Elrond have definitely got something going on."
"Yeah. It's jus' embarrassing when you walk in and they're both in drag."
"Specially since someone really, really needs to tell Legolas that orange really, really doesn' suit him."
"But Elrond's dark red dress looks really nice."
"You just said you liked another bloke in a dress."
"He's my foster father, 'm used to it. I can look at it on a purely aesthetic level."
"I take it back what I said about the elves not having any effect on you."
"Hey, I'm the one with the girlfriend. And I know what the men of Gondor say about you."
"What? That I'm bloody good in bed?"
"More or less. But without the bed, and that you don't know the meaning of words like 'no' and 'sod off'."
"I've got urges you know."
"I know. And so does half of Gondor. And some of the elves."
"Speaking of which, Aragorn…?" He attempted to look at Aragorn alluringly, but just succeeded in making his eyes look even more unfocused.
"If you try anything, I'll set Arwen on you."
Boromir refocused his eyes. The idea was a lot less appealing now.
Aragorn decided to change the subject. "What about the beardy-weirdies? Didn't you ever think it was suspicious that he spends all his time in the Shire with the Hobbits?"
"Tha's disgusting, they're only like 4 feet tall."
"You should know, you've got Pippin humpin' your leg all the time."
"Shutup, shutup. Stop talking about my stalker like that."
"Although I suppose, with where their head height is…"
"Shutup, shutup, shutup."
"Ok, I don't think anything goes on with Gandalf and the Hobbits if only because no Hobbit would ever shag anything that beardy."
"But they do have those great, big hairy feet."
"D'you fancy your stalker?"
"No, definitely not. I'm not a kinky Hobbit lover, like some people."
"What? You mean Gimli?"
"Yeah, but it's the same as with Gandalf, no Hobbit would ever shag anything that hairy." Boromir stroked his own stubble thoughtfully.
"Don' even think about it. I can't be the only one on this quest keeping to proper standards of masculine behaviour. Anyway, the only razors round here are the ones Elrond uses on his legs."
Boromir shuddered. The stubble was going to have to stay.
They both looked round when they heard the sound of bare feet running across the stone floors. A small hairy bundle hurled itself at Boromir and started kissing him, apparently not noticing that Aragorn was still in the room.
Aragorn decided that it was getting to that point in the evening when he should go and find Arwen, so got up to leave. At the door he was passed by another hairy bundle. Well, Merry and Pippin were never far apart, but this hairy bundle was not in a good mood.
"Pippin, you bastard, you said you'd share!"
On second thoughts, Aragorn was going to talk to Legolas. He wasn't going to be the only one on this quest who wasn't a Kinky Hobbit Lover.