Day of oaths and omake

Omake done with help from Neither of us own Harry potter or any oh J,K,Rowling characters. We do own the rest.

It was the weekly House elves sports day. Not many knew it but House elves were very competitive in fact it was a wizard who suggested this outlet as he was annoyed with all the one up elfmanship they kept at. Mind you Salazar also did make some serious cash on side bets against Godric, so that might have been a motivator. Dobby smiled and with a sonorous called out Welcome to today's weekly sports event. Today we have a special guest none other than the new elf Dumble the Grumble. At this several elves that Dumble had been less than kind to got a very goblin like grin on their faces. Albus blanched and wondered why he had never noticed the amount of teeth House elves had. Dobby smiled we also have special announcers all the way from Grimmauld place Walburga Black and Kreacher. Dumbledore blinked what the hell? "So with out further ado I give you this weeks sports clean ups."

Dobby handed over the commentary to Walburga Black and Kreacher.

"Kreacher thanks Dobby for this chance and says this bad wizard is a bad elf and needs more punishment" Walburga spoke up "I have to agree he is not a good example, Give him a couple of hits with your whip Dobby he does not look like he is ready for sports night." Dobby was only too happy to do so. Albus started to cry this was to surreal Elves whipping him and paintings telling him he was bad. "Now for our first event is a grudge match between the kitchen elves and the shiners elves" Kreacher started. " So without further ado I give you Flopsy mopsey and in goal Winky. Against the shiners against the shiners formally known as the polishers, until the name was ruined when they over heard Snape Polishing was polishing Dumbles wand and what it really meant.

Rubby bubbly and in goal Bob. As the teams line up and get in position the bashed about thingy is covered head to foot in floor polish. Oooh looks like Dobby the official polisher, who according to rumour spends hours polishing Potters wand just poked the bashed about thing in the eye. We can now see why it is called grumble Dumble. Someone hit it over the head it's only a bit of floor polish. "a few screams later "well done Dobby that shut him up bloody imprison a noble Black would you. Walburga spoke up "Now Kreacher don't show any favouritism you know he also screwed over another Ancient and Noble House the Potters so give him a few hits for the Potters as well Dobby. It was several minutes later that a battered and bruised Albus Dumbledore was pushed to the floor in the centre of the great hall. A whistle went and WHAM Smack "ARRRRRR" was heard as Flopsy used her broom to great effect and smashing Dumbles in the arse sending straight towards the other teams goal sadly Rubby stopped him with a well placed smack with a ladle to the head. Dumbles the Grumbles cried he hadn't been in so much pain since his first lover Gellert introduced him to man love and forgot the lard.

Kreacher started to run his commentary. " And Rubby smashes him into Bubble Bubbly pushed him, along to the other end Bubbly seems to be favouring his larger meat skewer tonight and yes Mopsey tackles him with a side swipe of her frying pan look at that she has dribbled him over half her area before Rubby takes control this is where a brooms extra length comes in handy he shoots and Bob saves oh look at that bob is using his magic to dribble Dumbles up and down onto the floor before he hits him as hard as he can towards Mopsey and oooh that must have hurt it seems he forgot to take the coals out the bed warmer and has set fire to Grumbles tea towel well no harm done and Rubby takes control and heads towards Bob, Bob is looking very happy. Kreacher stopped to take a drink when Walburga carried on " Bob seems to be ready and yes he has brought it with him the dreaded tongs of doom Bob is the only one brave enough to use these vial weapons of insanity.

For our newest member and about to be picked up and bounced by them I would like to say these are the very tongs used to pick up Snape's grundys after he takes them off. The elves are in two minds about Snape on one side he makes less washing than anyone else on the other with his gas and diarrhoea problem he should remove them more than once a week. And that has got to hurt"

Kreacher leaned over and whispered something to Walburga, then she spoke up "Don't worry men he has nothing that can be damaged or lost it is something he will miss as it appears the loss of his family jewels would have been petty theft at the most he was always a ball less old bastard and now it has been verified he has no balls so I would suggest if you wish to cause him pain eeerrr I mean pass him with better sound effects then please mouth nose and base of feet shots only." Kreacher broke in "for those who wish to learn more on how to make a ball scream louder please see Argus Filch and his lessons on proper treatment of meddling old goat fuckers." Walburga spoke up "Yes and Grumbles has been volunteered to be the practice dummy.

Now let's get back to the action and look at that somehow Grumbles has been hit up the wall and seems to be stuck on the horns off a 14 pointer stag. Both teams are beating his feet to try and get him off and look at that he is off but it seems it is not now it is only a 12 pointer now. He will need to be punished for breaking that. Rubby is moving as fast as he can and from the trail of blood I would say Grumbles has run out of floor polish but neither team has asked for the ball to be re-shined and he shoots and he score and as always the goalie takes it out on the ball. Oooooh that is bad I don't think bedpans are supposed to be used to warm more than feet certainly not for someone to try and shove the basin end into a man's rear. " The elves congratulated each other and smiled. "Walburga smiled that would teach the bastard to send her son to Azkaban making him sterile and ending the Black family name. If Grumbles had dealt with Riddle when he had the chance or not made a pass at him I often thought Albus might have had a thing for Tom Riddle given his love of Dark wizards

"Next we have the clothes drying competition and as we see Grumbles is wrapped up with all the grundys from Gryffindor now we hose him down and use the big soap bar and yes most of the grundys now seem clean except Ron Weasley's so it looks like Grumbles will need to be soaped some more, How that boy can produce skid marks that have the world broomstick donutting champions crying I do not know. Rumour has it that Molly Weasley is planning on selling them to the muggles as a longer lasting replacement to tarmac as she has heard of something called potholes. She is even willing to Guarantee nothing will shift them. Now for the drying, Dobby for Gryffindor starts to wrap the close line around the spinning top making sure Grumbles knees are not tied as we have found out it makes people fall he is going for the full 25 foot cable and with the rest of team Gryffindor he gives it a mighty pull and Grumbles starts spinning oooh round and round he goes that was close he nearly hit the wall and looks like he is slowing down ooh that will cost team Gryffindor as grumbles throws up over his clean washing. Dobby seems rather annoyed with him and is chastising him with Snapes, grundy pickers and oooh Dobby how did you make them fit up his nose." "Magic" Dobby called back Walburga was not to be out done "Dobby he making twice the work that means twice the punishment maybe using the Dumbledore old man nappies pickers in his other nostril will teach him a lesson. Dobby seemed to agree and after putting a bag over his own face went to work inserting the other device into Dumbles other nostril. Next we have team Slytherin and Bob Picks up the deadly Snape pants ….well I presume they are pants as my eyes are watering to much for a clear view. As regular fans know for Slytherin washing we have to use carbolic soap bleach and a pressure jet instead of the normal Aguamenti we have to use the elf version of a pressure washer as well for our poor Elven workers cursed by Godric as he was a sore looser. Now as the water is instantly banished, we watch as the Slytherin tuggers start the wind up and with a mighty heave let rip. "It seems Dumbles the grumble thinks that means he can soil himself" commentated Walburga " Mind you many say he was in Slytherin and not Gryffindor." Kreacher nodded "yes good master Regulus said as much before he mysteriously vanish after saying he needed to talk to the bold headed no balled git.. I mean Grumbles. Ouch I do believe that could hurt as Grumbles spins directly into the corner of Gryffindor table. The Slytherin elves are calling foul, whether that is from the smell of grumbles or the fact the table interrupted their spin I cannot tell. After Albus was again stripped of clothes the Ravenclaw team started to dress him. "Her is a strange fact Mistress.. every one says the quiet ones are the naughty ones well not in Ravenclaw, Ravenclaw house holds the record for the most pairs of granny bashers in one house the only exception is Luna Lovegood who seems to favour French knickers or none at all. This should be a simple win for them as Slytherin are in effect out the running in this competition and who thinks Hufflepuff can win." The washing is over and now the tug...Will you bloody tug the rope already geez trying to smother his massive hooter to make him more aerodynamic will not work his fat backside will counter it." The Ravenclaw elves looked and shook their heads then one smiled and simple smashed Dumbles nose with a rolling pin and then wrapped it in one of Dumbles own tea towels." Well that is a novel solution what you think mistress?" Walburga looked and nodded in her frame "yes that will reduce the wind drag by a lot." With a mighty pull (well for Ravenclaws) grumbles managed 24 spins less than Slytherin and Kreacher moaned, "Of all the idiotic things a great plan then they forget to use the strongest elves to do the pulling. He took a deep breath and "Now we have team Hufflepuff as many know team Hufflepuff have several things against them they play fair and are general beaten by Gryffindor or Slytherin though they do on occasion beat Ravenclaw but today as the rumour that Harry Potter has decided to bed as many Hufflepuffs as possible we see a large selection of hello kitty panties, thongs and my god shear French knickers and that is just from the male selection. The females seem to favour crotch less panties and peek a boo bras. It seems they have learnt from both Slytherin and Ravenclaw, as they make sure his nose is still broke then gag him with one of his own nappies then wind his now bloody tea towel clothes around his head. They also move him more central to the room. They start wrapping him in rope and wait they have remembered they need to wash him first. Well that is unusual they have conjured a massive cauldron and just dropped him in it. Oooo it looks like the labels on them panties say not to wash in water less than 50 deg so they can't hose him. Ohhh that looks like fun they are using a toilet plunger to dunk him and in a show of sportsmanship are letting the other teams have a go. "Dobby use the other end that end is just wood the end with rubber is to ….oh never mind carry on." Dobby smiled and did just that. Then in a show that even Dobby the headnutcase could be friendly called Kreacher over and handed him the plunger. "Kreacher and Mistress Black doing good job so I think you have go." Kreacher was more than happy to have a go. Mind you he seemed even worse than Dobby as he was using the plunger like a school master uses a cane "What happened to master Regulus tell me tell me." Kreacher got tired after 15 minutes and Grumbles with his head bound mouth stuffed never answered him. Once the cauldron was vanished the Hufflepuff gave the rope a might tug they used their strongest and with all the smalls being well small they set a new record. Once he had been cleaned up a bit the elves informed him it was rest time for a while before the next events. Dumbles the Grumbles never answered he was out cold. So he missed the lemon themed meals and snacks. Lemon meringue, lemon sherbet, lemonade, lemon with a helping of turbot and of course lemon tea and some lemon drops for afters. It was a strange thing but one of the main reasons the Elves were happy to be able to torment Albus to large an ego Dumbledore was because he constantly stole their lemon drops then to add insult to injury handed them out as if they were his. If he had asked any of the Lovegood's they would have told him that the Elves needed lots of lemon in their diets as it added a much needed zing to their magic and was the only thing that had any zest in their lives.

Meanwhile in the department of Mysteries

Rufus Scrimgeour shouted "that bastard all those hours of overtime all that screwing around with the Dementors and that bastard knew Black was innocent". Amelia shouted "that bastard no trial, no training for Potter, not telling us mouldyshorts was still around years ago, hiding proof of who were death eaters." It was obvious who liked being a cop and who wanted to be in fudges seat. Harry smiled as he thought to the prophecy they had just heard, not the one they had come here to hear, the one that said Sybill Trelawney gave it to a certain A,P,W,Dumbledore and one S, H,I,T, S.

They all looked at each other "What the fuck" came from several mouths. Amelia noticed a small label and pointed it out. Albus,Percival,Wulfric,Dumbledore well that explained the first lot of initials then they saw the second name and burst out laughing the Weasley twins defiantly needed to know about this sod them the Marauders and the Quibblers readers needed to know this. Severus Howard Igneous Trevor Snape. That was until they realised who had told Voldyshorts and set up the Potters.

But the second one that concerned him was given by none other than Petunia Dursley who it seemed was a squib "Born of those that have thrice defied the darks lords, born of randyness he shall be marked by greatness, with a helping hand from a badger his powers will grow. Evil stands no chance when the badgers lets him play with their kittens."

Harry's Uncle was confused Petunia was a astrology freak and the fact her freaky nephew was in a real prophecy made no difference to him but it seemed to set something off with Petunia. She had been weak at the knees as she heard the first prophecy and had made sure it was real. She had seen glowing white eyes, otherworldly voice and to top it all off Sybil Trelawney wrote her horoscope section in the financial times I mean how much more proof did she need.

That was when it had happened Petunia gave a shudder and started to speak in a very similar way to Trelawney and gave her very own prophecy. Vernon was confused not that it was hard to confuse him but how the hell could young badgers help kill or defeat 2 dark lords unless you ate them (he was not much of a nature buff or he would have known badgers have cubs not kittens, Now if he was a dirty minded Harry Potter he would have had his mind in the gutter faster than a speeding ticket when a copper is bored) and it gave you magic powers or something. He must have been thinking aloud because Amelia spoke up "oh yes I am sure if Harry ate some badgers kittens it would help his powers after all one of our spells is called a Patronus and that is powered by positive emotion if he ate my kitten I am sure we both would have a very strong Patronus." Harry started to get a noticeable bulge in the front of his trousers. "The more kittens the better then best see to Hannah, Tonks and Susan right away as they have all have kittens I can eat (in one sitting, session or day however you want to gauge Harry's stamina.)

Later that day

Harry and Susan and her aunt were wondering around Hogsmead trying to get their heads around Albus with more names than brains cells or common sense as he seemed to be the most incompetent moron anyone in the Auror service had ever heard of. The hiring of Lockhart is compelling evidence of this.

Susan smiled and was really glad she had helped Harry as she felt him respond to her Squeezing his organ she corrected herself she was really, really glad she had help then she felt her Aunts hand join hers. It was nice to share (and family bonding is important) if that is too much Hufflepuffs are renowned for giving a hand when needed (make of that what you will) and with so much to share neither had reason to be jealous of the other. Just as they left the little side ally they felt a cold start and Harry junior aka Harry the second aka Harry the impaler aka the heir maker Aka the penis with more names than Dumbledore and riddle combined.

Started to shrink. This did not make any of them happy and the Griffins on Harry's boxer shorts started where Harry the impaler left of and reared up. Looking for something to sink into. Mind you they wanted to sink their teeth and claws into something Harry the Heir Maker just wanted to go back to his nice warm love glove.

Harry looked around and saw the Dementors "bloody hell I get one day out and them things just have to turn up. No way am I letting them make me look like a Slytherin Pureblood.

Plus no way in hell are they ruining my shag time (Puff love). He pulled out his wooden wand and shouted out Expectrum patronum. Out shot Pron..."Um Harry why does your Patronus have a raging hard on?" It had to be one of the weirdest questions ever (and is sure to be talked about in the Charms Club.

He turned to see Luna Lovegood and smiled. As her eyes travelled down she smiled "well that answers that Question. Amelia forgetting for a moment the wand in her hand was flesh and not wood shouted out Expectrum patronum with her niece following suit a split second later. " Prongs changed usually a Patronus is pure white not this time Prongs created from the feelings of love and lust from the two witches using his casters ever ready wand was not pure white but slightly red or pink and instead of happiness and contentment anyone in the vicinity of Prongs got really really aroused.

With an explosion of lust what followed was the most demoralising defeat any Dementors had ever suffered since they came into being. Dementors don't normally face defeat usually they get what they want or are driven off temporarily by a conventional Patronus not this time any contact from the thrusting randy Prongs caused the Dementors to burn and melt. With great determination and vigour Prongs destroyed all the Dementors except one the oldest and biggest whose job it was to guard Sirius Black before he escaped. Prongs managed to stand on its cape as it tried to flee tripping it and to those nearby not overcome with lust, Luna were able to answer one of the oldest questions in the magical world. What does a Dementor have under its robe the answer nothing worth bragging about which made the next issue of the Quibbler and forever damaged the reputation of the Dementors magical people being what they are found it hard to fear something that has no wand or one so small it can't be found, even by a Ravenclaw. The exception being Goblins who have everybody's family jewels in the palm of their hands. The humiliation of this ancient and powerful Dementor was far from over as randy prongs repeatedly pounded it with its antlers against the walls of the Three Broomsticks causing an unholy noise and ending up in a quick release into oblivion for the Dementor and as satisfied conclusion for randy prongs. Surprisingly this did not shock those watching, as rapid pounding, noise and a happy ending for some is a common occurrence outside the Three Broomsticks, this too would have been covered in detail in the Quibbler but a blush from the elder Lovegood aka Xeno Love very Good and several anonymous donations kept the sordid history of the pub out of the Quibble for the next 1000 years or when Hufflepuff win the House Cup according to Luna Lovegood

Those Dementors who tried to run away were dealt with by a Crumple-Horned Snorlack Patronus created by Luna who grabbed Harry's meaty wand and called out Expecto patronum this extra hand pushing Harry over the edge causing a milky fluid to hit the Patronus as it left the Hufflepuff ladies emergency spare wand resulting in it growing in size ensuring that anyone watching could not miss this remarkable vision sadly in this case Luna as she was busy sucking on Harry's wand wanting to get a taste and make up for lost time and Harry was busy playing with the breasts and nipples of Susan and Amelia one in each hand and wishing he had more hands and his eyes firmly on watching them kiss and play with each other while marvelling at the love between Aunt and Niece. Were totally oblivious to the presence of a Snorlack using its fabled horn to dispatch the last Dementors in the area. The People who were in madam puddlefoots shivered and almost as one headed to the hogs head to get plastered and if that didn't work then they would obliviate each other. Some had read the Quibbler (mainly when drunk) and always asumed that the horn was like a rhinos horn. It seemed this was not the case because this crumple horned Snorlack was in one respect very similar to the wand it came out of. Namely hung like a horse or Snorlack in this case and as soon as that bit of meat became un crumpled it had decided to see if Dementors could suck as well as they kissed. The Snorlack Patronus grabbed the Dementor with its front hooves and pulled its face towards its waiting horn. giving the Dementor 2 choices eat Snorlack or self detonate and hope it could take the Snorkaks with it, it chose the second it's friends seeing one of their number bravely but futility die to stop the rampaging hard on errrm Snorlack decided riddle was not worth it and floated away at top speed back to Azkaban never to leave the island again ever. As the Dementor it caught exploded people had bits of scared to death Dementor pieces all over them On a side note it should also be noted that from that time on the Dementors avoided Boggarts like the plague no Dementor wanted to come face to eeerm face with Prongs or that Snorlack ever again even if it was only a Bogart form of it. . It seemed some Deatheater had set them onto the town or something as the Dark mark appeared not long after the Dementors not many had noticed it what with the shock of Prongs and now the Snorlack but they did now as the two Patronus wondered towards the dark magic they sensed, the snake eyed them wearily, neither Patronus had lost their ummm enthusiasm and the snake did not quite measure up to either of these two. it struggled against the magic that had called it and turned white in panic, then let out an un earthly hiss as the skull seeing what had happened to the Dementors snapped its mouth shut severing part of the snake. Many could have sworn they heard an "Oh fuck "as the two Patronus reared up before snake and skull. Only for the magic sustaining the dark mark to disappear and leaving the two Patronus looking around, spotting no more evil they headed towards Madam Puddlefoots and their casters. The poor people of Hogsmead Swore they would all say Snorkaks were real and do whatever they needed to so that no Snorlack was ever brought within a thousand miles of them. Some even thought that if they got Obliviated the site of a Snorlack would bring it all back. No it much better to say they real and ask him to go hunt some other creature. Maybe the extremely rare well hung Pureblood. Least then they knew he had no chance of ever finding one.

At some point during this battle of lust and despair a Dementor running the completely wrong way in shear terror headed towards Harry and his Women. Sadly for it the shock of it's cold made Luna Jerk her head to one side to see what was eerr coming and missed who was coming. All the females that saw it winced and said that stings in your eyes. Poor boy might make a centaur blush but his...Well I am glad it never made my head explode when it hits my face that is some potent protein shake their got their mouths err hands on. Luna Cried out "NOOOOOO I missed it again" then smiled looked at the two women with her and said "well practice makes perfect, cocked her head to one side in a very Luna manner and said "do you to need practice?"

This just a little Omake that Slytherin66 sort of set the ball rolling with by asking Questions and then helping with ideas. Dragoonz did help with some beta work and of course my invisible friend would have helped but spent to much time laughing under the table. Thanks for reading we all hop[e you like.