Disclaimer: Lord of the Rings is owned by J.R.R. Tolkien, his family, New Line cinema, etc. I have written this for my own enjoyment.

Credit: Tuckborough dot net, www dot spartacus dot schoolnet dot co dot uk.

Destination Arda

Welcome to Destination Arda, the brand new information centre of the Middle Earth Tourist Board! Here you will find details on the best holiday hotspots in the wonderful world of Middle Earth (and beyond!).

With its sweeping landscapes and manifold races, Middle Earth can offer a wide range of scenery and activities for even the most discerning of travellers.

For the adventurous holidaymaker, we offer hiking trips on the Ash Mountains (one of numerous mountain ranges available) or spelunking in Moria.

For the military buff, our certified tour guides will be happy to show you any one of Middle Earth's many legendary battlefields. Visit the plain of Dagorlad and hear tell of the mighty War of the Last Alliance! Photograph the very faces of its many fallen in the Dead Marshes! Explore the valley of Helm's Deep in Rohan, or be the one to finally uncover the fabled ruins of Gondolin!

For the more academically-minded, or the artistic of heart, fear not! While away your time in any one of our ancient havens and study the lore of elvenkind. Marvel at the complex history of the immortals as you nibble on lembas; thrill at the ethereal beauty of Lothlórien or Imladris, which will have you spouting poetical masterpieces as you sip on a glass of potent Dorwinion wine!

If sunshine and leisure is more to your pleasure, allow us to recommend a trip to the Bay of Belfalas, where golden beaches and spicy seafood are the order of the day. The bustling metropolis of Minas Anor is but two days ride away; and boasting seven tiers of stunning architecture and fountains that will take your breath away, its location by two of the major thoroughfares in Middle Earth makes it an ideal place for trade. Its markets are famous throughout the world for their abundant selections of exotic fruits, jewellery, silks and spices.

These are but a few examples of what Middle Earth has to offer. The various lands and regions will be explored in individual detail as we proceed. Furthermore, the Middle Earth Tourist Board is so confident that we have the right package to suit the needs of thrill-seekers, families and pensioners alike, that we are now offering a full money-back guarantee!

So pack your bags, stock up on suntan lotion and make ready to embark on the most exciting trip of your life!

Important Guidance

Health and Safety:

Due to the varied, exciting (and occasionally dangerous) locations available, the METB uses a five-star safety classification system, though we would recommend that visitors adhere to METB safety procedures at all times (which are issued to all visitors upon arrival). See guide below.

* METB safety assured.

** Negligible risk of peril, though caution required in specified areas.

*** Moderate risk of peril in specified areas. Proceed with caution.

**** Heightened risk of bodily harm. Proceed with extreme caution and fully-stocked first aid kit.

***** Serious risk of bodily harm and/or death. Bring your own coffin.

General Information:

All countries in Arda operate on a cash-only basis. We do not accept credit cards, debit cards or cheques, though METB does offer competitive rates of exchange from pounds sterling, euros, dollars and most other currencies. Further information on this is available at Reception.

No pets allowed (with the exception of Guide and Hearing dogs). Wheelchair access to most facilities is limited, but the METB will strive to provide information on those areas best suited to our honoured customers with mobility issues.

Due to the complete absence of electricity worldwide, it is not recommended that customers bring computers, Blackberry devices or mobile phones of any kind; though battery-operated digital cameras are acceptable.

Middle Earthlings (of all races) are extremely modest in their manner of dress. Therefore, in an attempt to avoid any unpleasant international incidents, please find below a list of all items that will be immediately confiscated by the METB if found in suitcases:

Bathing suits/Bikinis/Mankinis.

Shorts.

Mini skirts.

Halter-neck tops.

Little Black Dresses/Little Dresses of Any Kind (particularly low- or high-cut, depending on the anatomical area they reveal).

Wonder bras (or any padded brassieres, unless specifically intended for certified prosthetic purposes).

Thongs (or any type of immodest underwear, particularly crotchless or edible panties).

Stilettos.

Bovver boots.

Caution: anyone discovered to be wearing white socks underneath open-toed shoes or Jesus sandals will be shot on sight. No exception.

Thank you in anticipation of your kind co-operation. And welcome to Arda!

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Author's Note: Inspired by 'The Ladies Guide To Middle-earth's Eligible Bachelors' by the wonderful Virtuella. I strongly suggest you all read that if you get the chance!