Disclaimer: I do not own Percy Jackson and the Olympians.

A/N: Once again, language guys. Although I don't think it goes beyond T level I just want to warn y'all. I'm SO sorry this took so long, but like really, this was hard. I don't even think that it's funny, I just wanted it to be my 50th story because SUC! is my most popular story, plus I needed to finish it anyway. Argh. I'm sorry this sucks so much and totally doesn't live up to you guy's expectations. It's part of the reason that I didn't want to write this in the first place. :( :( :( :( :( :(

Suck it Up, Conner!

All I've got to say is that I hate weddings. I hate them with the fiery passion of a thousand suns. Seriously.

For one thing people become crazy, crazy, when it comes to weddings. And it's not just the bride (Although Katie did get pretty insane herself even though she swears up and down and left and right that she didn't. Yeah, tell that to the wedding cake bakery people. I'm pretty sure the cupcake girl still has nightmares, Katie.). Oh no. It's everyone.

First the moms (Even Demeter, sadly, and she's a goddess! She should know better!) get all physco crazy trying to one up each other on how well they can decorate and plan things.

Then, the bride gets all physco too (with weddings there are lots of physcos, if you haven't noticed) just because she can and she's basically the star of the show. Well let me tell you, it is not fun when you have a fuming bride attack you just because you make a innocent joke about her hair. Really.

And then there are the tuxedos. Those things are a bitch to wear. And mine was about a size too small and rode up in the crotch... Anyway, I was going to be the happiest guy alive when this stupid thing was over. Maybe even happier than Travis.

"When is this shindig going to be done with?" I asked Travis, trying to readjust my pants subtly. It wasn't helping, and I'm about as subtle as a chainsaw and I saw a grandma looking at me as though I was a bug on her shoe.

Well excuse me, lady, for just trying to get comfortable.

"Conner, honestly, it hasn't even started yet!" Travis whispered to me as we watched all of the guests sit in the pews. "And stop trying to adjust your pants, it's really obvious."

"But it hurts!" I complained. It is all his damn fault. I just had to be his best man. Being a best man is a barbaric institution and I don't think that it should be allowed. You know what the best man did back in the good old days? They helped the groom steal his wife from her home and kept her quiet. Yeah. Stick that into your juice box and suck it, Hera.

"Suck it up Conner. It makes you look stupid."

"You always look stupid," I replied, childishly, but I didn't care. It was true, and Travis knew it. (But just because people claim that we look the same does not mean that I look stupid too.)

"Shut up, the wedding's about to start," Travis told me out of the side of his mouth. I tried to behave and to ignore my pants. It wasn't working.

Then the gods awful bridal music started playing (I swear, that crap isn't playing at my wedding) and the bridesmaids all walked in, and then 'Here Comes the Bride' came on and everyone stood up and watched Katie walk down the aisle.

She looked beautiful, all dressed in white and her hair done up and pretty but as I looked at her all I could remember was her jumping that cupcake girl and making her cry. But evidently that's now what Travis was thinking when he saw her. He looked like he was about to tear up, and like he knew that he was the luckiest guy in the world.

The service seemed to go on forever, but I have to admit that it was rather pretty and I guess all the drama over the planning had been worth it. When they said 'I do' they kissed rather longer than usual, which made everyone whoop and holler and cheer. That part was actually kind of... nice, but I never said that. Then we all rushed to the reception, which everyone knows is the most important part. The whole reason people even come to the wedding part of a wedding is so that afterwards they can have all of the free booze and food that they want.

And that's all that I did (drink that is), even though technically I wasn't exactly legal at the time, but it's not like that actually mattered.

I was actually supposed to have a speech, being the best man and all, and I was ready for that. I had the whole thing written out and everything. It was going to change lives, this speech was. I was busy drinking my fourth beer when Fern Medrain came to me and nudged me with her plate that was full of cheese cubes. She was the Maid of Honor, and with that I guess she felt some sort of responsibility or something. How Katie was related to that bitch and turned out as decent as she is I will never know.

"Conner," she hissed. "You're supposed to make your speech now. Sweet Demeter, get up there and make it. Now." Then she shoved me towards the stage. I wanted to give her the finger, but I decided to act with dignity and just ignored her.

Calmly I walked to the podium, and on the way there I decided that my note cards just weren't going to cut it tonight, so I threw them out of my pocket, their whiteness standing out brightly against the dark floor of the reception hall. See, that right there is proof of just how dashingly poetic I am.

"Hello!" I shout into the podium, and then I wince at the loud noise that the stupid thing made before continuing. "As you guys all know, or at least you should all know unless you're wedding crashers or something, and if that's the case you've all got an excuse. Anyway..." I paused.

"My brother is married today! Believe me when I tell you that no one, and I mean no one expected this from him. Mother always said that we'd both make lousy husband's, but I'm think that it isn't going to be the case with Travis." I look and try to find my mother, but I can't see her. I wouldn't be surprised if she's passed out drunk.

"He and Katie have had a long and complicated relationship. It started all with a Twix bar that he had stolen, for me thank you very much, and from then on, let me tell you, he was smitten." I wink at Travis, who is just looking at me with an expression on his face like I've never seen before, at least not directed at me. But I shrugged and continued going on and on about their story. Something about sex god hair and high ponytails and lacy bras.

As I continue talking everyone gets quieter and quieter and quieter, until I finally end with, "A toast, to Katie and Travis, who have been with each other through thick and thin. Thank you for putting up with me being a third wheel, thank you for this party and the free booze, and thank you for all of the mental scars that you gave me when you two had sex on the couch even though I lived there too!"

At that point everyone started laughing loudly and Fern Medrain dragged me off the stage.

I couldn't for the life of me understand why. I hadn't said anything bad, had I?

..O..

A few years passed and the two of them had a pretty non interesting and boring married life. Katie eventually forgave me about my drunken speech because she had to. Honestly, I didn't think that it was that bad, but whatever. Apparently saying that I walked in on the two of them having sex on the couch was "inappropriate" or something.

But then, the two of them wanted kids. And that opened a whole other can of words. They got pregnant eventually, with our god-like genes it wasn't that hard to do, and then Katie The Pregnant Monster came out of her shell.

Okay, she wasn't that bad all of the time. But if you could have seen the amount Cheerios that she devoured in the last month.

Why does it seem like I'm always in the middle of everything important in their life?

..O..

My new ride just rose to all new kinds of epic. It was sleek and black and I had spent years dreaming and drooling over cars like the one that I was currently driving. Travis would practically turn green when he saw me. So what if I wouldn't be able to eat for a couple of months? I probably needed to lose some weight anyway.

I pulled into Katie and Travis's house, they had finally bought one about a year ago, and hopped out, hoping that Travis was home. I bet he'd like to drive my new baby, and I grinned at the thought.

I knocked once on the door before coming inside. I've never been one to believe in the institution of waiting to be let in to someone's house. "Travis! Hey Travis," I call, and it seems like no one's home even though their door was unlocked.

"He's at work." Katie said, appearing out of nowhere and scaring the bejeezus out of me. I jumped slightly, and then decided not to mention that I just almost jumped out of my pants. Katie raises an eyebrow at me and says nothing as she places a hand against her stomach like she isn't realizing what she's doing. "He's taking extra shifts before the baby comes."

"Crap," I answered, feeling disappointing. What's the point of having a beast car if there's no one to gloat to it about? Then I brightened, an idea coming to my head. So what if Katie doesn't know anything about cars? Travis and I aren't exactly sons of Hephaestus ourselves, and we didn't know that much about cars either. We just like how they look.

"Do you want to come with a ride me?" I asked. "I just got my car and it's pretty damn beastly epic if I say so myself."

"'Beastly epic', huh?" Katie smiles at me and rolls her eyes at me before nodding and walking out the door. When I show her my baby, which I decided about ten seconds before Katie walked out there should be named Berta, she just places her hand on the hood and nods before getting inside.

"All I've got to say is that this had better be worth it. My back's been hurting all day."

"Trust me, riding in Berta'll be worth it," I answer, and she just raises both her eyebrows at my name choice. Well sue me, it's not as though the little monsters that she's lugging around in her stomach are going to have fantastical names either.

I start the car and we drive all the way to the highway and Katie turns on the radio to this weird station which she claims is 'good for the babies'. We begin talking when all of a sudden my black leather seat that Katie's sitting under gets doused in water.

"Katie!" I complain. "I know that you're pregnant and that pregnant people have to cry a lot, but come on. Couldn't you have at least told me so I could have pulled over or something? These are leather seats."

"I didn't just pee myself, Conner. I'm fucking having the babies," she hisses and when she does my stomach does that weird thing where it gets cold and it feels like I just ate a bunch of heavy rocks.

"Aw hell no. You are not having freaking twins in Berta. It's not happening!" Travis is going to kill me for being here when he wasn't, as if it was my fault. Maybe Berta's bad luck, she makes babies appear...

"Suck it up, Conner, I can't fucking help it."

"Can't you just, like, hold them in or something?"

"No!"

Damn you Boston for not having any hospitals near by the highway! I begin driving and Katie gets on her phone and starts calling everyone that she knows and their mother and I start speeding, because there is no damn way that she is having her babies in my car.

"Good Demeter, Conner!" Katie exclaims. "I don't think that killing me will save you from getting a mess on your seats. In fact I think that it'll make an even bigger mess." I had to agree with her logic there, it probably would. Plus I'd completely total the car. It'd be best to slow down.

"Oh, and Travis wants to talk to you," she added.

"Of course he does," I muttered and grabbed the phone out of her outstretched hand.

"Yo, this is Conner from the 'We Want To Have Your Babies Incorporated', if you want to voice a complaint press one, if you want to-"

"Conner, I'm going to kill you?"

"What?" I exclaimed. "How is this my fault. I didn't ask for this, okay, it just happened. Don't be hatin'. Stop sipping that Haterade."

"Conner! Make sure to get Katie to St. Mary's. I'll be there as soon as I can."

"You'd better be. There are just some things that I do not need to see, okay." I hung up and started driving faster. Katie had this strange look on her face, like she was hurting and was trying not to say anything.

This could not be happening. St. Mary's was at least twenty minutes away from where we were. "It's okay Katie, I've got you. We're going to get you there, promise."

Katie nodded and didn't say anything.

As soon as we got the hospital I dragged Katie over to the emergency room and shouted, "Lady with a baby. Lady with two babies." Needless to say we got as many doctors as they could get to all of us.

Katie asked for her doctor specifically and she went to go change when we got up to the right floor. I was going to just walk away quietly, like I told Travis, there were something things that I didn't need to see, but Katie gripped my hand.

"Oh no," she told me. "You aren't getting away from me that easy. You're staying here until Travis gets here. Got that?"

"Crap." But I stayed, because Katie's a cool girl and until the blood started flowing I would be cool. Then Katie bit her lip and grabbed my hand and squeezed the shit out of it. I had to use all of my training from Camp Half Blood not to yell out. If she wasn't going to than neither was I.

Luckily for Katie (and my hand) Travis arrived soon and kissed Katie on the lips while at the same time whispering things into her ear. I took this as my cue to leave and slipped out the door. Before I could get all the way out, though, Travis stopped me.

"Hey, thanks man."

"No problem," I replied with a shrug. Yeah, no problem. You're totally going to pay for the cleaning on my car though, big brother.

Just as I'm walking into the waiting room I hear a shriek from Katie's room and wince. Yeah, that's totally natural. Get the woman some pain killers. I sit by Katie's sister Whitney, who was one of the people that Katie called for her and the babies 'big day'.

"I swear," she says as soon as I sit down, "I'm getting myself sewn up after listening to some of this."

"That'd be a shame," I said as I wiggled my eyebrows, and watched as Whitney giggled. I'd never really payed that much attention to her at Camp Half Blood, but she was really pretty even if she didn't look a thing like Katie except for her eyes.

We started talking and even though it only felt like twenty minutes it had to be several hours at least, and Travis came in looking like the proudest guy in the whole wide world. Hubris, it's deadly.

"Two girls. Their names are Jordan and Penelope. Do you two want to come see them?" Whitney and I look at each other and shrug and we walked back with Travis, who looked as though he couldn't stop smiling.

Katie looked sweaty and gross as she held the two sleeping babies, but she smiled at us and she had tears in her eyes. Whitney went over to her and hugged her after she kissed her sister's cheek.

"You want to hold one?" Travis asked, and I nodded silently.

Seeing all of the love in this room made me start to rethink some things about my life. Things I didn't want to think about. Maybe my life wasn't worth as much as theirs. I was just a bachlor with a crappy job and I didn't love anyone, except my brother and Katie but they didn't count, as much as these people loved each other. I pushed them out of my head as Travis placed one of the babies into my arms.

"This is Penny," he said quietly. "She was born second. Katie says she looks like me, but I think that she looks like Katie. What do you think?"

Penny was ugly, but all newborns are kind of ugly. Her red face was all smushed up and to be honest I couldn't tell who she looked like. Maybe kind of like a naked mole rat. But I loved her, I knew that from the very first second that I held her.

"Personally," I said, "I think she looks like her Uncle Conner. But that's just me."

Travis laughed and I let him have his baby back.

"These two babies are going to be the luckiest girls in the whole world," I said. And I really meant it.

..O..

Feeling slightly afraid I knocked on the door and then walked inside. No, I was not going into a cave full of monsters, but it kind of felt like it. I was babysitting the twins for Katie and Travis- without Whitney!-while they went on their second date in almost four years. Holy Zeus, may I please get out of this alive. I would be very much obliged.

When I walked into the kitchen where it seemed Katie was making the two of them mac and cheese, and my legs got tackled one by one. "Uncle Conner!" Penny shouted, rubbing her face into my jeans, "You're finally here!"

What can I say, girls love me.

Jordan, the less outgoing of the two girls, just batted her eyelashes at me (a trick she learned from Whitney the last time we were at their house) and smiled her dimpled smile at me. Then she went back to their little coloring table in the corner of the kitchen.

Katie glanced at me. "Thank Demeter you're here. I'm going to go change. Have fun and don't let anything blow up."

"Not like last time," Travis added, walking into the kitchen and giving Katie a kiss before going over to the girls.

"That was totally Whitney's fault!" I protested.

"And I'm Hermes," Travis told me, but he grinned and I knew that I was forgiven. Hey, I had to pay for the carpentry work so I'd say that we were about even.

Penny and Jordan are two pretty little girls. She got Travis's (and by extension, mine) sex god hair. Well sex goddess for them, I suppose. Penny had bright green eyes, just like her momma and Jordan had Travis's hazel eyes.

They were adorable and they were Stoll's. A deadly combination.

"Uncle Conner, come look at my drawing!" Penny said, beckoning me with a wave of her hand. I had to go and serve the little princess. You weren't supposed to have favorites when you were and uncle, but I couldn't help it, Penny was too dang cute.

I came and oohed and ahhed over it, even though I couldn't tell who it was. I just saw scribbles that looked kind of like people. Well, they had four limbs at least. "It's you and Aunt Whitney," she proclaimed. "You're kissing like Mommy and Daddy."

I coughed and tried not to choke. No one was supposed to know about that yet. Travis looked at me and raised his eyebrows. I couldn't look him in the eyes.

And of course Jordan had to add her two cents too. "Like we saw you at our birfday party!"

Oh I was so screwed. No one was supposed to know about that one either. What can I say, a son of Hermes and a daughter of Demeter. It's forbidden love.

"Have fun," Travis called as he and Katie left, both laughing at me of course.

I let the girls color for a little bit and went over to their mac and cheese. It was kind of bland so I added some spices to it before putting it in bowls for the girls. Penny liked the blue bowl and Jordan liked the pink one. Even though I had never really taken care of them by themselves Whitney had told me enough about them and I had helped her out with them enough times to get by just this once.

After they finished eating we put on a movie, Marley and Me (And no, damn it! I did not cry at the end when the stupid dog dies, don't listen to Whitney!), and all was going well, but right before the movie started they wanted some popcorn.

So I went to give them some and the poppers starts going nuts. Katie only has the kind that goes on the stove and it must have been busted and I didn't see it because all of a sudden they started going crazy. I had put two on, one for me and one for them, but then popcorn started snowing from the roof!

"Ah hell," I said as Penny and Jordan came in, looking in wonderment at all of the popcorn floating around the room.

"Wow, Uncle Conner," Jordan said. "You're magic!"

Hard to disagree with the little tyke. "Just start eating it off the floor guys," I told them. "I don't think that I can get this into little bowls."

They started doing as I bid, and they'd squeal when a few kernels would hit them in the head. There was no way that I could explain this to Katie. She'd kill me.

We got settled back in, but something must have been wrong with that popcorn because all of a sudden Jordan leaned over and threw up all over my shoes.

"I no feel good," she said and then crumbled on the couch. I'm never having kids. Thanks Jordan for helping me decide that.

I carried her up to bed, but just as I came down stairs I saw Penny in a pile of her own puke as well. Of course this would happen to me. I had to take her and give her a bath (How in the flipping world can you get vomit in your hair when it comes from your mouth?) and then I put her to bed too.

Exhausted I waited in baby puke until midnight, which was when the two inconsiderate parents decided to come home.

"There you two are. You know what those two little girls did to me tonight? How much do you feed them?" I asked, and Travis and Katie just looked at me like I was nuts. "They puked on me," I continued on as soon as I knew that the two of them weren't going to say much of anything. "All over me. I had better get the best uncle of the year award after this," I told them.

They didn't say anything and I started walking away. Katie started laughing hysterically as Travis said, "Suck it up, Conner. I'm sure you and Whitney would make great parents."

I didn't even bother to turn around. It just wasn't worth it.

A/N: I named one of the babies after Cap'N Cupcake, because she's awesome and always reviews on my Tratie Stuff. :) Just thought you should know. This turned out differently than I expected it to, but eh. It's not my best, but I finished it for you guys just like I said I would.