AN: Short and cracky. For maggiequeen's birthday. Enjoy, bb!

There is the soft hum of machinery in the background, the cardiac monitor emitting a steady beep-beep to a rhythm of 72, and there is an unmistakable smell of disinfectant in air. Bright fluorescent lights glare overhead and the young man on the bed has to squint to see the concerned faces of the people gathered around him. He coughs lightly, drawing their attention.

He first addresses the tall, hulking young man on his left. "Finn," he begins. "In case things go wrong, I'm leaving my Xbox and my truck to you. You've always had my back and I never would've become a General on Halo 3 without you. Use 'em well."

Finn is trying to put on a brave face but the red eyes and sniffles are giving him away. However, he manages to clasp his best friend's hand in a totally manly way to reassure him before he starts tearing up.

Puck now turns to the guy in the wheelchair. "Abrams…you're a totally awesome dude and I'm leaving you my guitar, my Sola Sound Tonebender and the complete Led Zeppelin songbook I've got stashed in my case. It's like the culmination of our musical bro-hood, man."Artie merely raises his hand in the 'rock on' gesture solemnly.

"Evans," he says to the blonde at the foot of the bed. "I don't know you that well but I'm guessing we totally would've ruled this school with our fucking awesome bods so I'm leaving you my set of weights and my entire porn collection. Dude, there are some classics in there and now that you're dating the celibacy queen, you're totally going to need it." Sam just looks confused but nods all the same.

And finally, he comes to the last person there, the most important one, in his opinion. The petite brunette on his right has her face scrunched up and he thinks it's kinda sweet of her to keep her tears in check. He takes a deep breath before grabbing her hand and hauling her closer to him. This was bound to get emotional.

"Babe," he says. "Rachel…"

"Noah," she replies.

"If I die on the table, I want you to know that I love you."

"You're completely overreacting—"

He cuts her off. "Also, I want to be cremated and I want you to take my urn to bed with you every night. And if you meet a guy and decide you want to fuck him, I'll find a way to come back and cut his dick off."

"Oh for Pete's sake." Rachel sighs and uses both hands to cradle his face. "Noah, I want you to listen very carefully to what I'm going to say." Deep brown eyes meet hazel and he nods.

"Noah," she says slowly, enunciating each word as if she was talking to a 3-year old. "You're having your tonsils removed. You'll be back in your room in an hour."

After that telling statement, there is complete silence in the small hospital room. A silence which is finally broken by Candy, the sweet 50-year old floor nurse. "Okay," she says cheerily. "Who's ready for their tonsillectomy?"

Puck turns to Rachel with a completely stricken look on his face and Finn…Finn just breaks down bawling.

Surrounded by the fine examples of masculinity in the room, Rachel has no choice. She just kisses her boyfriend goodbye and rolls her eyes heavenwards. Men.