I Don't Regret It by Emachinescat

A Merlin Fan-Fiction

SUMMARY: A glimpse into Merlin's tortured mind after Morgause has vanished with a poisoned Morgana, leaving him guilt-stricken and utterly alone. It wasn't supposed to happen this way...

A/N: I was told in a review for I Hate Him that I should write more Merlin poetry and this idea had been floating around in my mind for some time, so I decided I just *had* to write it. It's a look into Merlin's mind after 2-12, after he poisoned Morgana and she disappeared with Morgause. Please review!

I Don't Regret It

The pain in your eyes,
The shortening of breath,
The fear in your gaze,
The cold hand of death

The tears falling down
Mixing with mine
When you pushed me away
Your eyes asking me "why?"

I can't even begin to explain
There are no words to say
That even touch on the agony
Of taking your life away

Your green-gray eyes accusing,
Terrified, petrified, you were choking on air
And I turned my back, I had no choice…
I know it's not fair

How can I seek to describe
The pain that seared through my being
As I watched you struggle
At simply breathing

I don't regret it
I don't; I did what I had to
I'd do it again…
I'd do it to you

I'm sorry; I'm sorry
I know you hate me
With every inch of your being
It's impossible for you to see

What your pain did to my soul
My friend, my ally, or what remained of that bond
I held you close; you were not alone
Comforted by the one who had done this great wrong

I find myself angry
At myself and at you
How COULD you make the choice
To betray those who love you?

I know I'm a traitor
At least in your mind
You'll never know the heartbreak
I felt when we cried

I didn't do it for me
But I'd do it again
I do not regret it…
I don't…I swear, I'd do it again

You think me a monster,
And maybe that's true
But you worked against us
Arthur, me, Gwen, even you

I couldn't let the kingdom fall,
Or innocent people die
One life for the sake of hundreds?
I had the power to save those lives

I'm sorry for what I did to you
And I hate I betrayed your trust
Every day I suffer and wonder
What life would be if I hadn't destroyed "us"

You're my friend
And it tore me apart
From inside to out
Destroyed my soul and my heart

I'll never forgive myself
For what I did to you
My friend who trusted me
I'll never forgive me for hurting you

I'm relieved that your sister,
No matter how twisted
Was able to save you
But I fear for your conscience

I swear, I am sorry,
I swear I won't forgive or forget
The deed I have done
But I'd do it again

To give up one life
For tons of people that are dying
That have done you no wrong
Is heart-breaking and trying

But I did what I had to
And I'll suffer alongside you
I'll hate me and I have no doubt
You'll hate me, too

Yet I will still love you
And mourn who you used to be
My ally, my friend, there to the end
Now sees me as an enemy

I don't regret it…
Then again, maybe I do
I wish I could've saved them
While also saving you