A/N so, the last chapter! I've had an awesome time writing this. Make sure to read the author's note at the end! :P

P.S – Usernameless! It was a reference to Adam Lambert. I love that guy! :D

The sun was only just beginning to rise when James awoke the next morning, still curled up in his blanket with his head in Kendall's lap. Sleep fogged his brain, and for a moment, he simply pulled the blanket closer with a single, slow, lethargic movement and shifted his feet in Logan's lap. He shut his eyes again.

He felt Logan squeeze his feet about ten seconds later and realised the TV was still on, just quiet, and that Logan was awake. Judging by the way Kendall's hand was draped around his shoulder and neck lifelessly, he was still asleep. He raised a hand to Kendall's and held it lightly, rubbing his thumb across the back.

"Morning, James," Logan said to him.

"Mmm," James mumbled sleepily, pressing the back of his head closer to Kendall's stomach where it was warm and comfortable (Kendall had bony knees). His hip was sore from digging into the couch and his body was stiff with sleep and exhaustion; he wanted to lay there and never move.

"Sleep okay?"

"Yeah," James mumbled, finally feeling coherent. "You?"

"I didn't. There was a documentary on how hospitals are run in Britain. I stayed up to watch."

James cracked his eyes open and smiled before rolling onto his back, cuddling Kendall's arm up around his neck with both hands. Logan adjusted the blanket over his legs carefully and smiled at him. "You slept like a baby."

"What time is it?"

"About five in the morning."

"Really?" James mumbled. "Why are we awake so early?"

"You fell asleep at about eight. You were pretty tired."

James shivered and Logan leaned over, rubbing his arm through the long-sleeved top. James snuggled back further into Kendall, who was possibly the warmest thing he'd ever felt. He felt Kendall's arms tighten around him.

"James? Alright?"

"Yeah, Kendall, just cold."

Kendall ran a hand up and down his side lazily, using his thumb to stroke James' jaw awkwardly, as James still had his arm in a death grip with both hands. With both of them rubbing his upper torso, James felt warmer. He soon felt a hand on his face and opened his eyes, going cross-eyed when he saw how close Carlos was.

"Carlos!"

"Sorry, man, but I felt left out! Everyone else was doing it!"

Kendall tugged up the blanket and leaned down, giving James a kiss, even though they both had morning breath and hadn't brushed their teeth last night before bed. James sighed and nudged Kendall's nose with his, beginning to feel sleepy again.

"Carlos," Logan was saying, "if everyone else was bungee jumping off a cliff, would you join them?"

"Yes!"

"Bad example. If everyone signed up to remedial math, would you join them?

"No way!"

"I wouldn't," James put in helpfully. "Mr. Smitty scared the crap out of me. I mean, he sprayed us with spray nozzles."

"He drank milk out of the carton," Carlos said wisely. He stood up and stretched. "Do you want anything, guys?"

"Nah," Logan and Kendall responded.

"I'm cold," James said.

At least he isn't scared of asking for help, Kendall reflected, stroking James' hair softly with his palm. That would have made things worse.

Carlos came back with a blanket, and James smiled as he tugged it around himself. "Thanks."

Carlos blew him a playful kiss. "Anything for you, darling."

"Dude," Logan said to Carlos, smiling, "that was effortlessly gay."

"And so what if I am?"

Then there was silence.

Before Kendall and James had started loving it up, Carlos had never really thought much about his sexuality. He was too busy completing dangerous exploits in the name of getting an adrenaline rush. And then James and Kendall had gotten together and Carlos' world had been tipped upside down, and not in a good way.

Because then of course Carlos had been confused. He looked at Kendall and James and he liked what he saw, and not in a brotherly way, either. But then he looked at Logan, and, well, he REALLY liked what he saw when he looked at Logan.

He liked that Logan was smart, and could be so funny, and knew how to treat a broken bone because Carlos was in danger of getting those every day, at the least. He liked that Logan could cook, and he liked that Logan was too nervous around Camille to ask her out properly.

And then there was those seventy two hours.

Those seventy two hours where James had been missing. At first, he had seen Kendall become hurt, and then angry, at James' absence. When James wasn't back by eight that night, Kendall was concerned. Carlos thought about that – if only any of them had thought to ring the tallest member of Big Time Rush, James mightn't be going through this at all.

But that was the thing, Carlos reflected. They hadn't rung him. Logan had been pissed, Kendall was convinced he'd done something wrong and Carlos, well, Carlos didn't think it was any of his business to be calling James. James was his buddy and all, but Carlos had been friends with Kendall for five years before meeting James.

Beneath the foundations of their seemingly perfect relationships there were cracks, hidden agendas and secret loyalties. It was no secret that James and Kendall were devoted to one another, but Logan and Carlos had their favourites too.

And if they hadn't, if they hadn't been stupid about this entire thing, if they'd let Kendall sort it out instead of butting their noses in where they shouldn't be, James would be okay.

Sure, James was alright physically. Carlos had heard Kendall discussing some bruises in muted tones behind closed doors, and he had been worried until Kendall said they were gone. Logan said that James was sick because of stress, and that kind of made sense, but neither of them were looking deeper, to wrapped up in how much they both loved James. Carlos had seen it – the glitter of James' eyes when he thought nobody was watching, his flinching at loud noises, the fear that lurked behind his expression.

James was scared.

James didn't wrestle with Carlos playfully anymore. Now, it seemed to be that any touching was minimal and on James' terms, unless it came from Kendall. He didn't laugh as much, didn't eat as much, wasn't as loud. They were small signs that their friend was suffering, but they were obvious signs, and Carlos wondered if it could even be fixed.

How did you fix a person if it wasn't an injury? Logan knew how to fix physical things – a cold, a sore throat, broken bones, cuts. But did Logan know how to fix James' problem, his inability to trust? How did you fix something like that?

Carlos wished he was smarter. Kendall was smart. Logan was beyond smart. James acted dumb but he was reasonably intelligent as well, at least able to attain B's in his subjects with a little help from Logan and Kendall.

Carlos needed a lot of help with everything. And he wished he knew how to fix James.

He wished Logan knew how to fix James.

And then of course Logan had told him that he liked James, and Carlos was thrown for another loop entirely. He had only just figured out that he liked Logan like that and was trying to show he cared when he asked what was wrong, and then Logan had blown up.

And the worst thing was that Carlos couldn't be mad. He knew where Logan was coming from. It was hard liking someone who didn't want you in return. It had worked out fine for Kendall and James. And not so fine for Logan and Carlos.

And then Carlos had chickened out, not told any of them, just glad that James seemed to recover from the almost-drowning-in-the-bathtub fiasco. He was just glad that Kendall had pulled himself back together and was handling things properly, like Kendall always did, and Logan was being Logan and being unnecessarily smart and cooking fancy things like spaghetti and helping him make hot chocolate and come on, what were the chances that all four of them were gay?

And then of course he had to go and remember that he still enjoyed watching girls by the pool, and he was spun around again. What was he, gay, straight, ALIEN? He researched it and found he was bisexual and that was even scarier than being gay, because did that mean he could fall in love with a transvestite? He hadn't liked The Rocky Horror Picture Show at all!

His friends now were staring at him with mouths agape in shock and surprise. James' eyes were so wide they looked like they might pop out, and Kendall's jaw snapped shut with an audible click. Easy enough to say they were surprised. But what about Logan? Logan wasn't saying anything, doing anything, looking like anything!

"So… you're gay?"

"Bi," Carlos said nervously.

"Oh," Kendall said.

"Awesome!" James said with a big grin.

Logan said nothing.

"Do you think Logan's freaking out?"

"Why?" Kendall squirmed into a fresh t-shirt after emerging from the bathroom in a cloud of steam. James, being James, had run around yelling about humidity and steam and what it did to his hair, until Kendall had shut the bathroom door.

"Because that's what Logan does," James said. "He freaks out over the tiniest thing he never noticed and then he's all like why didn't I see this before now?" James imitated Logan's worried face and Kendall laughed.

"He doesn't do… okay, maybe he does."

"It's Logan. He's just over-analytical like that."

"Where did you learn a word like analytical?" Kendall demanded, searching for his right shoe.

"I'm not just The Face, Kendall. I do read."

"Read."

"Yes! Sometimes. Um, not really. Pop Tiger… you know." James sighed, then brightened almost in the same instant. "Ha! I read an article on the ultimate fate of the universe two weeks ago on Wikipedia! I do read!"

"You read an article about what?" Kendall asked, totally dumbstruck.

"The ultimate fate of the universe."

Kendall shook his head and pressed a kiss to James' lips. Unlike their last few gentle kisses, this one was searing, and to his shock, James opened his mouth when Kendall's tongue traced his lips teasingly; they'd never really gotten up to that before the incident, either. Kendall's main concern was messing up what had come prior to this – their friendship.

James' mouth was sweet and Kendall found himself gripping James' face for better leverage; he felt every one of those white teeth, explored James' tongue with his own and breathed through his nose. Even then, he could feel the air draining out of him. Being with James always took more oxygen than should really be necessary.

James detached from him suddenly, blushing red and offering a small smile.

"Sorry. I don't…"

"It's fine," Kendall reassured.

"I'm gonna go take a shower," James told him quietly, and proceeded to move into the bathroom. Kendall wanted to follow, remembering the bathtub incident, but invading James' privacy would do more harm than good if he had no viable reason to do so.

Instead, he picked up his cell and dialed a number that had become extremely familiar to him since arriving at the Palm Woods.

"Hello, Jo Taylor speaking." Kendall could imagine her sitting on her bed or at the pool, painting her fingernails or toe nails or applying makeup or practicing her lines or something girly like that, maybe curling her hair. Maybe she was just kicking back with Pop Tiger magazine, and maybe she was daydreaming about Jett.

Kendall had more pressing matters on his mind, though – namely one James Diamond and one anniversary he'd never gotten around to celebrating.

"Jo, I need your help."

James exited the shower to find Kendall gone and a small note on his pillow. James picked it up, saw it was addressed to him (as James love :P) and smiled. While he wanted to open it, he also felt exposed standing in only a towel, even in his own house.

Damn Wesley Doyle.

The thought surprised him; before now, he had never harbored feelings of hatred and anger towards his attacker, only ones of hurt, disbelief, fear. Never before had he felt so angry at any person or thing.

I just want to be normal. I want to be able to drag Kendall into the bedroom and want him to do things to me. I don't want to be scared of someone who's locked up in prison. I want to want Kendall to touch me. In every way.

He shook those thoughts away and changed into jeans and a t-shirt, then sauntered over to the note again. He opened it.

James,

I have a treasure hunt for you. :)

Now, go to the place we first felt a connection.

James frowned at the note and thought hard for a moment. Then, smiling, he headed over to his and Kendall's shared cupboard – James' clothes on one side and Kendall's on the other. There was a noticeable difference in styles. James smiled as he reflected on why his and Kendall's clothes were in the same wardrobe to begin with.

James came in sneezing from the improvised snow down at the Palm Woods park. His hair was matted to his face – not a good look, he decided – and he was freezing cold, despite the fact that it was still warm outside.

Walking into the closet was a bad idea, he'd decided. He was shivering so hard he had somehow managed to jam the door shut behind him in his search for a sweatshirt; he stood there for a moment, unsure of what to do, and eventually sat on the ground.

He pulled his box towards him. He'd never told anybody about it, except Kendall. It had pictures of Before, the name James had given to their time in Minnesota. His absent father and almost-as-absent mother were among the pictures, along with old drawings of his childhood.

He was in there for a while before Kendall opened the cupboard door from the other side and found James shivering at the bottom. Smiling, he pulled down James' favourite sweatshirt and handed it to him.

"Maybe we should share a cupboard. In case you lock yourself in again." Kendall reached down an hand and helped pull James to his feet, who staggered a little and continued to shiver. He stared at Kendall when his hand wasn't released and felt the chemistry charging up the air rapidly; he broke their stare to look away.

Kendall dropped his hand.

James just smiled awkwardly as Kendall left, his hand warm from where Kendall had helped him to his feet.

It was definitely one of James' fondest memories, and the first time he remembered being attracted to Kendall in that way.

There was a note resting on the sweatshirt Kendall had handed James that day, and he unpinned it from the clothing, opening it to read.

Good on making the first clue! I knew you'd remember. Now go to where it all began.

I love you, James.

James smiled, grabbing the sweatshirt and heading for the staircase.

The staircase was where it all began.

After Gustavo's comment that the stairs were much faster than the elevator, that's what the boys used. After all, why crowd into a smell, packed little cubicle with people you didn't even necessarily like when you could breeze down the stairs and beat them to the best part of the pool?

They were just heading down the stairs when it happened.

It was something Kendall would never forget, not for the rest of his life, not for as long as he still breathed. James had been about to step onto the stairs when Jett, Jo's co-star, came running past, responding to a paparazzi call.

He knocked James.

James slipped.

James fell.

He let out a surprised yell and Kendall surged forward, trying to grab him, but it was too late for that; James had already started tumbling down the stairs, head over heels, thudding and crying out as he did.

"JAMES!"

Kendall had never felt a worse fear in his life. For a moment, his blood froze, his muscles seized up and his vision fogged and faded to black, as if his body was threatening to faint, and then he, Logan and Carlos were moving – down the stairs, as fast as they could go safely, where James lay at the bottom. Kendall couldn't see James moving.

He's dead.

The thought hit Kendall like a ton of bricks, and he stopped, clinging to the rail of the stairs in fear. He could dimly hear Logan yelling and Carlos whimpering and a profound silence from James past the beat of his own heart.

If James was dead he wasn't going down there. He couldn't. James was his best friend. James whom he wished was more than his best friend.

"Kendall, get down here, now!"

Logan's voice jolted his legs to life, and he ran down the stairs. Logan and Carlos were crouched by James' side, who was sitting up but crumpled, his arms braced across his ribs. Kendall's brain flew to a hundred thousand possibilities – broken ribs, punctured lung, thank you very much Logan for informing him about this – before he crouched by James' side.

"James?"

James let out a feeble whimper and Kendall's heart jumped in his chest, panicked and feeble like a broken bird.

"Kendall," Logan said.

Kendall looked up at him.

"Carlos and I can't move him, we're not strong enough," Logan said. "You stay here with him and we'll go get some help. Carlos, find Mrs. Knight while I call an ambulance."

"Wait, where are you-"

But Carlos and Logan were both already gone.

He turned back to James and noted the way his friend stared at him, with streaming eyes and a face that was bleached unhealthily of colour. James' arms were still clamped down around his ribs, and Kendall swallowed.

"What hurts?" he asked.

"Ribs," James gasped out. "Head."

"Come on, it can't be comfortable to sit like that." He should lie down, Kendall thought nervously, but there was no room on the tiny, overcrowded landing. He moved closer to James, determined to help him, whether it made him uncomfortable or not. Slipping an arm around his friend's shoulders, he lowered himself to stare at James' face.

"Come on. Put your arm around my neck and we'll get to the top of the stairs. It'll be more comfortable up there, we have to keep the pressure off your ribs."

James reluctantly and jerkily moved the arm closest to Kendall away from his ribs and wound it around his neck. James' arm was warm and Kendall wished it was there under better circumstances. Seeing James' ribs paining him, Kendall replaced James' arm with his own, wrapping it around his waist and gripping the hip furthest from his own body.

"I've got you, James."

They tried to take a step but Kendall wasn't expecting James to buckle in his grasp and almost fall down. Kendall, who had been staring at their feet, saw James' knees give way and reacted in the only way he knew how to; he caught him with his arm braced behind James' thighs.

"I've got you, I've got you," he stammered.

"I don't wanna go upstairs."

"It'll be better once we get there," Kendall said desperately. "Please, James."

"I can't."

Kendall steeled himself, then lifted James quickly. The weight was staggering; James was mostly muscle and about two inches taller than Kendall, and that made things awkward. If he had ever lifted James like this before now, his friend might have killed him. Now, he tucked his head close to Kendall's shoulder and tightened his fingers on Kendall's shoulder.

"I'll carry you," Kendall said.

"Okay."

Kendall made his way up the stairs, anxiety fuelling his strength. He barely felt his arms or legs burning and didn't feel his back start to ache, even though he'd feel it later. At the top of the stairs, he set James down as gently as possible, laying him out flat.

"See?" Kendall panted. "That was fine."

James gave him a tiny smile, and Kendall felt a bit better – for a moment. The next, he was bowing his head close to James' and kissing his forcefully, cupping that delicate face between his hands. He had thought about doing this so many times and it wasn't exactly the way he'd imagined it.

"God, James," he choked out, feeling tears streak his face and knowing they were falling onto James' – and not caring. He shuffled closer and held James lightly, but still as hard as he could without hurting him. "Don't ever do that again."

"Sorry, Kendall."

And Kendall would be damned if James didn't sound happy.

James pulled the sticky note off the place in the stairs where he'd rested that day, clutching his ribs. No permanent damage, just severe bruising. It had been a few days off, and of course Kendall, Logan and Carlos couldn't practice without him. Or so they claimed.

He smiled at the sticky note.

So apparently you remember that day as well as I do. I stand by what I said then – don't ever do that again! That was the first time we kissed, or rather I kissed you, but we didn't make it official till a few days later.

Go to the place where we did. :)

James tucked the note in his pocket and knew he was grinning from ear to ear. If Bitters caught him, he would be in a world of trouble, but right now, James didn't care. He had even almost forgotten about his would be attacker, Wesley Doyle, and all his evil.

James scaled the fire escape, holding his sweatshirt in his teeth. He knew why he needed it now – Kendall was waiting for him on the roof.

The roof that made everything possible.

James often came to the roof top whenever he was confused, and now was one such occasion. He had loved Kendall, if he was honest with himself, for a really long time, a love that had only made itself known during his first audition with Gustavo Rocque.

And he was confused.

His ribs still ached and he knew he shouldn't have climbed the fire escape, not with the horrible, mottled bruising still clinging to his offended washboard abs. He knew he was supposed to be alternating between and a heat pack and a cold pack, to bring the bruising down and reduce pain, but right now, he needed to think.

Kendall had stayed with him on the stairs. Kendall had carried him up to the top so James could rest comfortably. James understood that because he'd have done the same for Kendall in that situation. What he didn't understand was the kiss – that beautiful clumsy kiss.

Kendall could have told him without the kiss and therein lay James' problem. He had been so addled at the time by the pain and the fear that he hadn't really known what was going on and that scared him. James Diamond always knew what was going on.

Until it came to Kendall Knight. And then he had no idea.

Kendall Knight really spun him for a loop.

Here was the thing. Kendall could be the sweetest guy around. He would make his friends soup when they were sick and put up with their whining and complaining and didn't complain himself once. Yet he could also be incredibly insensitive.

So James didn't know if Kendall was his Knight in shining armor, riding in on a white horse to save him from himself, or just a retard wearing broken tin foil and riding a small grey donkey.

"James?"

He turned to see Kendall climbing over the fire escape and hurrying towards him. "Thank God I found you," he panted, "Mom's freaking out! Doesn't your stomach hurt?"

"It's not so bad."

And then they lapsed into silence. After a while, Kendall came and sat down next to James, staring out at the sunset and feeling the rooftop cool. A breeze blew past, and James shivered; Kendall put both arms around him, one around his chest and the other around his back.

James said nothing, just smiled. Kendall looked at him, bit his lip, and then forced his gaze back out to the sunset.

"I'm keeping you warm," he said.

"Okay," James said, still smiling. He nestled in closer to Kendall, sighing and closing his eyes. His stomach hurt but not badly, so he decided that Kendall didn't need to know about it. He sighed, knowing that they had to talk.

"You kissed me on the staircase."

Kendall tensed, turning his face away.

"I'm not mad," James said. "Just… why?"

"I was worried about you. I wanted you to be okay."

"So you kissed me better?" James didn't think his smile could get any bigger than it was at the moment; Kendall looked at him and didn't seem to be able to resist grinning himself. "You usually kiss people where they're hurt," he said teasingly.

"Kissing your stomach would have been inappropriate," Kendall said.

James waggled his eyebrows suggestively.

"James Diamond, are you flirting with me?"

"Kendall Knight, you started it."

"How is that?"

"You put your arms around me," James said smugly. "And cuddled me like I'm a big teddy bear. I know you like teddy bears."

"Shh, James." But Kendall was smiling. "So I suppose we are flirting."

"I suppose we are."

"If we're going to spend this much time flirting, why don't we just make it official?" Kendall's grip was warm around him and James wanted nothing more in the world; they hadn't come together with a crashing boom of love or an explosion of passion, but rather in the manner a butterfly lands on a baby's nose – gently and beautifully.

"What are we making official, Kendall Knight?"

"We're making it official that you're mine."

"Say it again."

"You're mine."

"Again."

"Do you want me to tell the whole world? Because I will."

"That's okay. Here, and now, this is good."

Another day James would never forget.

James came out upon the rooftop, the wind buffeting his hair around his face. He shivered and slid his arms into the sweatshirt, too lazy to pull it over his head entirely.

An alcove that housed the air condition vents was protected from the wind tonight, and he saw that, to his amazement, Kendall had towed up numerous blankets and pillows and even a mattress up here, somehow, with candles and food and a CD player.

"Kendall, what's this?" he asked, smiling. He knew Kendall was around here somewhere.

Kendall wrapped his arms around James' waist from behind, smiling and kissing his neck lovingly. "This," he said, "is our belated anniversary celebration. I know we didn't get to celebrate our two month anniversary, but we've been together almost three months now, so I'm calling it our second and a half month anniversary."

"Only Kendall Knight could come up with a title like that." James relaxed back into Kendall's waiting arms and body, shutting his eyes. "This is amazing," he murmured.

"I'm impressed. You worked out the treasure hunt," Kendall said with a smile.

"I'm impressed with myself," James joked.

Kendall turned him around and led him to the mattress. James sank down on it and lay down, smiling, not even thinking about what might happen next. He knew Kendall wouldn't hurt him or use him while he was this vulnerable.

Kendall lay down beside him and turned on his side. James smiled at him, and they lay in silence for a while longer.

"What are you thinking?" Kendall asked.

"I'm thinking that I have the best boyfriend in the world."

"No," Kendall said. "I'm pretty sure that's me."

"Kendall?"

"Yeah?"

James rolled to his stomach and lay his head down on his arms, feeling the breeze lift his shirt and shivering. Kendall pulled up a blanket and James waited until he had his boyfriend's full attention before addressing him.

"Thanks for putting up with me these past few weeks. I know it can't be fun." James shook his head. "I mean, I got sick, I broke down crying, had a panic attack, got sick… again… nearly drowned myself…"

Kendall stared at him, then reached over and rubbed James' back. "None of it was your fault," he said softly. "You didn't ask for this."

"I know," James said easily, and he really did. He did know it wasn't his fault, and he knew that now that Wesley Doyle was behind bars, everything would be fine. He knew, more than anything and more than ever, that Kendall was there for him.

The realization hit him like a ton of bricks – he wanted Kendall to make love to him. All night on this roof top on this bed. He wanted Kendall to touch him and make him forget that Wesley Doyle had ever entered his life. But he wasn't going to say anything just yet.

"The police called today," Kendall said.

"Yeah?"

"Yeah. I asked them why he stopped."

James opened his eyes. "What'd they say?"

"Apparently, someone recognized you going into the hotel," Kendall said. "They saw you were drugged and they called the cops. That's why he was already behind bars – but they couldn't find you anywhere in the hotel. Someone saved your life, James."

"I wonder who they were. I wish I knew."

"So do I. I wanna send them flowers."

"They save my life and you're sending them flowers?"

"Good point."

James could only laugh at that, and he shimmied closer to Kendall's body, bumping their hips together. It was the closest they'd been since before the incident. James didn't feel scared. He felt calm, confident.

"Kendall?"

"Yeah."

"I want you to touch me."

"Like the other day?"

"No."

Kendall looked at him slowly. "James. Are you sure…?"

"Never been more sure of anything in my life," James said. "I just want to forget him, Kendall. And I never even got a chance to memorize what you might have felt like. I want that really badly, and I don't wanna wait. Waiting was part of the problem."

Kendall realised he might be in for a wild ride when James pulled him on top of him.

Kendall rested between James' legs for a moment before ducking his head to kiss him hard and searing. James breathed out through his nose in a huff and pulled Kendall closer by his neck; Kendall raised James off the mattress and pressed their stomachs together with an arm around his waist.

Before he knew what was happening, James had locked one leg around Kendall's hips, refusing to let him move. Kendall had imagined this a hundred thousand times and had spent many hours in a cold shower, but never had he imagined that James would be so passionate and fiery in the bedroom. Or the bedroof.

Kendall needed to stop naming things. James was right. He was awful at it.

Kendall pushed his hips down experimentally, gently, and James' fingers dug into his neck painfully. James himself detached from their kiss and gasped out. Kendall didn't think he'd ever seen anything so beautiful in his life, and he went straight for James' exposed neck.

"Kendall," James said.

James' lips wrapping around his name was like a bolt straight to his dick; he was desperately hoping James didn't suddenly decide that he didn't want to do this after all.

James' fingers fumbled at his belt buckle and eventually got it undone with a snicking noise. Kendall pushed James' arms above his head and pulled off his shirt; James' hair was haloed out on the bed behind him, his eyes hooded and alive with lust, the pupils dilated with pleasure. Kendall ran his hands up and down James' sides, relishing in the goosebumps that followed the path of his hands.

"I still can't believe you're mine," he told James, tracing his jaw lovingly.

"I can't believe you want me."

James' leg tightened insistently around Kendall's hips, and he hurried out of his shirt. James eyed him appreciatively, smiling.

He's not scared at all, Kendall realised. But we haven't started really touching yet.

He placed a hand carefully against the crotch of James' jeans. Just like he was expecting, their tussle took a complete one eighty degree turn; James jumped and shrank into the mattress.

"It's alright," Kendall soothed. "It's just me, James. It's just me."

He felt James relax, and with that relaxation came a returning sense of arousal. He stroked the zip of James' jeans with his thumb carefully, smiling down at his boyfriend and trying to be reassuring, even though he didn't really know how to, in this situation.

"I'm not him."

"I know," James said confidently. "Just give me a minute."

"I'll give you as many as you want."

"You're a hopeless romantic, Kendall Knight."

"I know," Kendall said, smiling. "But you love me anyway."

"This is a weird conversation to be having like this."

"It really is."

James' hands went for his belt again, pulling it off and unbuttoning the button on his jeans, the zip coming soon after. Kendall waited patiently.

"Okay," James said, nodding timidly. "Alright."

Kendall palmed James' jeans gently, watching as his boyfriend gasped and moaned and writhed beneath him. The leg around his waist clenched tighter, spasming with the strength James was using to hold onto him.

"Kendall," James choked.

Kendall kicked his jeans off so that only his boxers remained. He felt self conscious for a moment before realising that he and James had seen each other naked in the change rooms at hockey plenty of times. Still, this was different.

"Do you like that?" It was a serious question.

"Yes," James panted out. "Yeah."

"That's good."

"Take my jeans off?" James implored.

So Kendall tugged at James' expensive belt and put it to the side, knowing that throwing it could result in death or worse. He unzipped James' jeans and undid the button, sliding them off gently. James stared up at him, tears glittering in his eyes.

"Are you okay?" Kendall asked worriedly. "We can stop-"

"I'm fine," James whispered, touching Kendall's cheek gently. "I'm absolutely fine."

Both of them were only in their boxers, and Kendall was amazed at how warm James was, like a fire burning beneath him. Kendall wanted to spend the night here, mapping out the expanses of tan skin that adorned his boyfriend's torso, wanted to trace every crevice and make James moan – but he knew there would be plenty of time for that.

There would be plenty of time for everything.

Kendall, on impulse, leaned forward and gave James' belly button an experimental lick. The reaction was instantaneous; James grabbed his hair and raised both legs, gasping out his name. Kendall could feel the tension building in his stomach.

"I love you," he heard James whisper. "I love you."

The words stirred Kendall's heart even more powerfully than they usually did; he became slowly aware that he and James were both crying and sniffed softly, attempting to stem the flow of tears. He could hear it now – Kendall Knight cries his way through sex. It wasn't what he wanted to be remembered for.

"Kendall. I want to see you."

So Kendall slid up, pressing his hardened erection into James' pelvis. James tipped his head back but stared at him, eyes bright pinpricks in the darkness. He placed his hand on the waistband of James' boxers and waited.

"Go ahead," James whispered.

Kendall slowly pulled down James' boxers, and this time, he allowed himself to look. James was amazing. His whole body was amazing. Kendall couldn't believe how sleek and powerful James' thighs looked; he had a little less trouble when James' left leg came back up around his hips.

This is what he wanted to be remembered for. He wanted to be remembered for being James Diamond's boyfriend.

Kendall flipped the cap on the lube open when James tugged at his boxers. He was unsure of where to start; letting instinct guide him, he traced down to James' opening and ran his finger along it lightly. James lifted his hips and whined, a sinfully sexy noise from deep within his throat.

"Just relax," Kendall said.

He started to push and James shuffled up on the bed. Kendall thought for a moment about how to get past this, how to get past this part, because James had been violated like this in the first place, and was bound to recall those memories (nightmares of men twice as big as him named Wesley Doyle who were pedophiles and who wanted to hurt rape kill him) as soon as Kendall touched him.

"James, look at me," Kendall said.

James opened his eyes and Kendall kissed away a few tears threatening to spill.

"It's me," Kendall said softly. "Not him."

James looked at him, and Kendall succeeded in getting his finger inside. He thought that maybe the world was blinking into nonexistence with the appearance of black spots in his vision, then realised he was holding his breath, waiting for the fear to kick in and separate them like it had early on, like it had in the beginning.

"I love you," Kendall said. "I love you and he can't take that away from me, not ever."

James nodded as Kendall inserted another finger. He saw James blink his eyes shut in pain and waited until James nodded before slowly starting to scissor inside, stroking James' inner walls, hoping he wasn't doing more harm than good.

"I want you to remember this," Kendall said, kissing James' throat. He tasted sweat and excitement and fear. "I want you to remember that I was your first and that it didn't hurt."

James nodded. "I won't forget."

For James, it was as frightening as it was exhilarating to have Kendall's moving like that inside him. It felt weird but at the same time, the vague memory of Wesley Doyle didn't match up to Kendall's loving embrace.

"How's that?"

"I don't know. It doesn't really – oh." James' sentence trailed away as Kendall touched something inside him and the world faded to white and his ears rang. I didn't know Kendall's fingers could do that, James thought fuzzily.

"Good?"

"Do that again," James pleaded.

Kendall touched the hard nub again and James turned into a writhing puddle beneath him, pushing down on his fingers and keeping his leg wrapped over Kendall's hips. Kendall took James' erection in his hand and started stroking slowly.

"Kendall," James moaned.

Kendall coated his erection in the lube and began to nudge against James' entrance. James gasped beneath him, writhed, and Kendall had never seen anything so sinfully beautiful – James' innocent visage gave way to an erotic creature of the night.

Kendall began to push in.

"Stop!"

Kendall stopped abruptly, starting at James' cry. His boyfriend had an arm slung across his eyes and the thigh around Kendall's hips was trembling; James's chest was heaving unevenly.

"James?"

"It hurts. Just… give me a moment."

"I'll give you as many minutes as you want."

James smiled. Kendall leaned down to kiss him, softly kneading James' left hip under his palm, hoping it might help soothe some of the pain away.

"Okay," James said.

"Okay?"

"Move."

Kendall slowly rolled his hips forward, biting his lip. James' tight passage was clenched around him like a vice, and Kendall felt sweat rolling down his temples. It was the best feeling he'd ever experienced and completely different from anything he'd ever experienced at the same time.

"That's good," James whispered.

Kendall sucked on James' collarbone as he thrust deeper, and suddenly, James bucked beneath him. His arms came up around Kendall's shoulders and his mouth was abruptly occupied by James' tongue.

"Do that again," James moaned.

Kendall pumped his hips forward, taking James' length in his other hand and stroking it hard as he pushed forward. James delivered a sharp nip to his upper lip and he knew it was bleeding, but couldn't find it in himself to care.

For a moment, everything ceased to exist. All Kendall knew was the god lying beneath him and the pleasure coursing through his veins like a drug.

"Kendall!"

Kendall felt James' passage clamp around him and knew James had just come, judging by the way he was whimpering beneath him. James' orgasm pushed Kendall over the edge; he spilled himself into James and collapsed on top of him, wrapping his arms around his new lover's waist.

James let his leg slip from Kendall's waist and lay beneath him, panting heavily. He turned his head and Kendall offered him a sloppy, lazy kiss.

"I love you," they said.

Wesley Doyle fell away. Logan's hurtful words ceased to matter, and anything that might have come between them before no longer held any meaning to either.

The sun was starting to rise.

Kendall was still laying against James by the time the world was only just beginning to awaken, trembling like a newborn kitten and feeling hot and cold at the same time. James rubbed Kendall's back softly, staring up at the disappearing stars. His hair fell limp against the pillow, brushed back off his forehead.

"The stars are smiling," he mumbled.

Kendall nestled closer to him. James could tell by his breathing that his new lover was falling asleep, and decided that Kendall had the right idea.

It was time for rest.

James closed his eyes and knew only one thing – that when he awoke, it would be to Kendall's smile and soft green eyes.

Then I see your face

I know I'm finally yours

I find everything

I thought I lost before

You call my name

I come to you in pieces

So you can make me whole.

A/N FINITO! COMPLETE! I am so proud of myself! More than anything, I'm proud of you guys, for sticking with me and reviewing and favouriting and putting me on alert and just for reading! You guys are the best! I hope this last chapter was worth the wait, and I'm already getting started on my next Kames oneshot :) also, the Cargan oneshot might be slow coming – my primary focus is Kames and I have exams on this week. I'm going to write whenever I can though!

so again, thank you guys soooo much for reading this! every review has meant a lot to me, and every time you guys favourited or put me on alerts, you have no idea how happy you made me! i'd also like to thank you all, cause this is the first story i've ever finished.

bon voyage!