This is a nutty short fic that I wrote with me and my internet buddies as
characters. It's in the Monty Python section because this fic could
probably hold the record for the largest number of blatant references to
the Holy Grail, as well as a few pieces from the Flying Circus. You may
not understand some of the inside jokes between me and my buddies, but most
people should get the Monty Python riffs.
***
Craziness
***
"Worthless insects! Bow before my power!"
Magnus threw his head back and laughed hysterically as crackling streams of energy surrounded his body, filling the room with a harsh red glow. His long black trenchcoat billowed out behind him like the wings of some primeval beast as the foundations of his underground lair trembled.
"Mags, calm down," said Ice Blue X. "We're just playing 'Risk'."
"Yeah," said Gelgameth. "Look, you scared Zaph!"
Zaphkiel was hiding behind Wolf, trembling and whimpering incoherently about "the mean guy". Wolf raised an eyebrow.
Magnus grumbled and sat back down on the couch. "You're just pissed because I'm winning." He gestured at the board. "My army of darkness and blood has conquered half the world! You stand no chance at all against me, you're all screwed!!!"
"Mags, you're using the yellow army, now shut up and attack someone with your stupid piss infantry." Magnus gave Nytetrayn a withering glare and attacked Afghanistan, which the black Mechadrake happened to own. The battle was over in a few rolls.
The inhabitants of the Tokyo teahouse had taken refuge in Magnus's inner sanctum because of an unfortunate occurrence at the teahouse involving Nyte, a laxative slipped him by Zaphkiel, and the toilet in the men's bathroom. With the teahouse flooded, Magnus had magnanimously offered to let them spend the evening at his place, which everyone eagerly agreed to, especially because Magnus's home had once been the headquarters of a major black market weapons manufacturing company, and he still had plenty of showers so everyone could wash off the dragon feces.
At the end of his turn Magnus owned the entirety of Asia and Europe, and a large portion of Africa. Gelgameth promptly launched a surgical strike from his base in Australia, which was followed quickly by a strike from Wolf's forces in Alaska, Nytetrayn's soldiers in Greenland, and an attack from Ice's guerillas in South America. Zaphkiel had been out of the game since she'd taken over the entire North American continent, prompting the others to gang up on her like so many piranha.
Magnus suffered much the same fate as he was left with nothing but Ukraine and Kamchatka. Swearing revenge, he piled his forces in the south and made a beeline for the Congo. Ice weathered his attack admirably until Gelgameth wiped out the remains of the yellow warriors.
Magnus left to get a beer, still swearing revenge.
Wolf upped the ante and wiped out Nytetrayn's Canadians, followed by a brief but brutal turf war between Gelgameth and Ice in southern Asia. Ice and Wolf then turned on each other. Wolf had more territory, but Ice got about a gajillion armies for turning in the last set of Risk cards and turned his glorious army into kibble.
Magnus returned to find Ice standing on the coffee table, hand raised in victory and berating her fallen opponents for being wusses. Zaph borrowed one of Magnus's chocolate dildos and scored a direct hit to her face. What followed shortly after was the most vicious five minutes of chocolate phallus combat the world has ever seen. Eight-inch dark chocolates flew through the air, crispy six-inchers were gouged into eyes, foot-longs with nougat filling were used like swords. Unfortunately, Mags got hit a little too hard in the groin with a minty butt plug and reflexively singed Nyte's tail with an energy blast. Ki attacks came into play and reduced the room to rubble within seconds.
"Guys," said Gelgameth, "this is a place of madness."
"I think any place with us in it has a certain share of madness," said Wolf.
"Exactly!" Magnus pumped his fist into the air. "That's what makes it FUN!"
"It stopped being fun with I got a chunk of peanut brittle lodged in my ass," muttered Zaphkiel. Magnus fell over laughing hysterically, and was promptly bonked upon the head with a dead chicken. He said "Oif."
There was a moment of silence. "Who did that?" asked Nytetrayn. "Did what?" asked Ice.
"Hit Mags with that chicken, thus causing him to say 'oif'! The rest of us are buried under piles of scorched drywall!"
They scrambled out from under the debris and realized, with no small amount of perplexity, that there was indeed no one in the room who could have hit Magnus over the head with the dead chicken, causing him to say "oif".
"Do any of us even HAVE a dead chicken with which they could have hit Magnus over the head, causing him to say 'oif'?" asked Gelgameth. The others turned out their pockets, and discovered that no such chicken existed. "The plot thickens," muttered Wolf, stroking his chin. "If we were all buried under drywall, and none of us possesses a dead chicken with which to hit Magnus over the head and make him say 'oif', then there is only one other logical explanation."
"Shit!" said the Knight.
There was a moment of silence. Wolf raised an eyebrow. "I said EXPLANATION, not exclamation."
"Oh. Sorry."
"I think I get what Wolf is trying to say," said Zaphkiel, "if none of us did it, then there must be someone else here who was not buried under drywall, and possesses a chicken with which they could bonk Mags over the head, thus making him say 'oif'."
"You don't mean…?" gasped the Knight.
"Yes!" Zaphkiel cowered in fear. "THERE IS SOMEONE ELSE IN MAGNUS'S UNDERGROUND LAIR!"
Everyone gasped appropriately. "But wait," said Ice, "how do we know Magnus was even hit with a chicken that made him say 'oif'?"
"Because he has one," said Gelgameth, pointing at the Knight.
There was another moment of silence. The Knight bonked Gelgameth on the head with a chicken, and quickly strode out of the room. Gelgameth said "Oif."
"Oh my god!" Nytetrayn's jaw fell open in horror. "Who was that masked man!?"
"I think he was English," said Ice.
"Shut up about English people, Ice, you're obsessed with England." Magnus pounded his fist into his palm. "We have to get to the bottom of this! We must find out who that knight is who has the dead chicken and hits people, making them say 'oif'!"
"Why do we have to do that?" asked Wolf.
"Because the author is drunk and can't come up with anything intelligent," said Zaphkiel. Magnus kicked her in the ass, dislodging the peanut brittle, which ricocheted into his eye. Zaphkiel giggled hysterically as he fell over, screaming in pain.
"That's good enough for me," said Wolf. "Let us go forth then, and find this knight, whom we assume is from England, who possesses a dead chicken that he bonks people with, causing them to say 'oif'!"
Gelgameth's eyes boggled. "You mean…!?"
"Yes!" bellowed Wolf, "A quest!"
"What the hell," said Nytetrayn, "I haven't got anything better to do."
They trooped out of Magnus's living room, leaving him lying on the ground attempting to separate the peanut brittle from his skull.
* * *
The phone rang. Ice Blue X picked it up. "Hello, Magnus's underground lair."
"What's your favorite scary movie?" said a harsh, quiet voice over the other end of the line.
"'Striptease', absolutely terrifying."
"I like scary movies."
"Me too, especially the ones about guys with bigass knives that go around calling people and stalking them and then disemboweling them and hanging their intestines from trees."
"I LOVE those movies."
"Yes! I love them so much, I have a collection of knives!"
"Yeah, me…. wait… you collect knives…?"
"Yup. I love knives. I've got a couple little ones you can use to stab things, and a few really big cleaver type things you can just chop away with. I really like this one knife I've got, it's got serrated edges and all sorts of little teeth and hooks on the blade, I think it was made for gutting pigs but I like to-"
The phone went dead. Ice giggled and hung up. "That's the only way to answer a phone call like that."
* * *
Mags and company were trooping through the woods, looking for the English Knight with the dead chicken who hits people, making them say "oif".
"Why are we walking through a forest?" asked Nytetrayn. "Dunno," said Magnus, "it seemed like a reasonable place to look for a knight."
"Hey look!" said Ice, "there's one now!"
After exchanging sidelong glances, they all walked over to the nearby stream, over which spanned a small bridge with was guarded by a knight in heavy black armor.
"That's not our guy," said Gelgameth, "he was in kind of a steely-colored ensemble."
"Hey!" said Zaphkiel to the Black Knight, "do you know another knight who might be walking around here, guy carried a dead chicken that he hits people with and makes them say 'oif'?"
The Black Knight remained silent. "Yo! Dingus!" Zaphkiel rapped on his helmet. "Anyone home!?"
"He must be slow," said Magnus, "Let's just go." He stepped onto the bridge, but the Black Knight immediately held out a huge sword and screamed, "You shall not pass!"
Magnus hopped back just in time to avoid getting something removed. "Yikes! Hey, what's the deal!?"
"I am the guardian of the bridge, you shall not cross over it!"
"Oh for the love of… here, I saw this movie." Magnus drew his runeblade and charged the Black Knight, who blocked his thrust. The two warriors fought for a few minutes, kicking up a circle of dirt, until the black knight abruptly lopped off Magnus's left arm.
Mags freaked. "AHHH! My coat! Look what he did to my coat!"
The Black Knight looked taken aback. "What!? Your coat? I just cut off your arm!"
"It's only a scratch, I'll be fine."
"WHAT!? Your arm is lying on the ground! Look! There's nothing left of your shoulder but a bleeding stump!"
"I'm fine, just fight me."
The Black Knight shrugged, and the continued their battle. After another few minutes, Magnus lost his other arm."
"Ha ha!" crowed the Black Knight, "I win!"
"What are you talking about?" asked Magnus, "it's merely a flesh wound."
The Black Knight just stared at him, a small clank from inside his helmet indicating that his jaw had fallen open. "Merely a… WHAT!? Are you insane!?"
"Yes, he is," said Wolf. "Very much so," added Ice.
"Come on," said Magnus, kicking the Black Knight in the shin, "let's go!"
"No! I refuse! I- Ow! Owch! Stop kicking me! Hey! That really hurts! Owch! Stoppit! Ow! Okay, you can stop now! Ow! Damnit! Take this!"
He promptly sliced off Magnus's right leg, leaving him hopping up and down. "Oh come on," said Magnus, "is that your best shot? You're pathetic! I've battled colds worse than you!"
The Black Knight just sort of stared, unsure exactly what was going on.
"Come on! Let's go! One more round! My grandmother could beat you!"
"You're joking. What are you going to do? Bleed on me?"
"Good idea! Come here…"
"AAAAH! He IS bleeding on me! That's DISGUSTING!" The Black Knight cut off Magnus's last leg and ran, screaming in horror.
"That was very screwed up," said Gelgameth. "I was disturbed, and I'm a shadowy evil sorcerer."
"Pussy," said Magnus, regenerating his limbs and standing up. "Geez, it's cold around here, I'm gonna go get another pair of pants."
"We'll keep up the search," said Wolf. "Hey," said Nytetrayn, "as a matter of fact, I think we should all split up, we'll probably find him that much faster."
"Good idea," said Ice, "I'll go with Wolf and go North, you, Gelg, and Zaphkiel can head East, and Mags can go back to his underground lair for some pants."
"What's the point of going North and East?" asked Zaphkiel. "Because therein lies the directions to the two closest arcades with Dance Dance Revolution," said Gelgameth. Wolf and Ice cheered.
* * *
A phone rang. Nytetrayn blinked and picked it up. "What is a telephone doing out in the forest?" he wondered aloud.
"Hey, who are you?" asked the Stalker, "put that girl on, the one with all the knives."
Nytetrayn blinked. "Hey Zaph," he said, "I think it's for you."
"Hello?" said Zaphkiel.
"I want to sex you up," said the Stalker, "I want to cut your clothes off and get you all slippery with blood…"
"AAAUGH!!! That's disgusting! What kind of psychopath ARE you!?"
"Actually, I'm not a psychopath. Psychopaths don't know the difference between right and wrong. I'm a sociopath. I know the difference, I just don't care."
"Wow. Hey, waddya know, we learn something new every day."
"Yeah. Are you the chick I talked to before with all the knives? She was hot."
"If I had a knife, I'd cut your balls off and feed them to you."
"Ooh, kinky."
Zaphkiel hung up. "Nyte, stop giving me Magnus's prank calls."
"That wasn't Magnus, he's still over by the bridge, mourning his coat."
"Awww man, that means I'm gonna have to kill another stalker. Do you have any idea how hard it is to hide a body these days…?"
* * *
And so the adventurers set out on their quest to discover the identity of the English Knight who struck people over the head with the corpse of a chicken, thus causing them to say "oif". Ice Blue X and Wolf headed North, in the direction of the Springfield mall arcade, which possessed Dance Dance Revolution Second Mix, and Nytetrayn, Gelgameth, and Zaphkiel headed East, just for the hell of it, while Magnus went South, in the direction of his underground lair, where he kept his pants.
Ice Blue X and Wolf soon came across a man kneeling in the bushes near a set of railroad tracks. He was dressed warmly against the winter chill and carried a notebook and pen. He seemed to be watching for something.
"Hello," said Wolf.
"Oh, hello," replied the man, not looking up.
Wolf and Ice exchanged looks. "We were wondering," asked Ice, "if you've seen an English Knight around here, carrying a dead chicken that he hits people with, making them say 'oif'?"
"Sorry," replied the man, "haven't seen any Knights. Not a Knight Spotter. I'm a Llama Spotter."
Wolf and Ice blinked. "A Llama Spotter?" asked Wolf.
"Yes. I spot llamas, don't you know? I just sit out here all day with my little notebook taking down the sightings, it's really quite amusing."
"… are there any llamas in North America?" asked Ice.
"Not many, apparently, I haven't seen one yet. But I think I saw an Alpaca once, and something I thought was a Kudu."
Abruptly, the Knight walked out of the trees and struck the Llama Spotter over the head with his dead chicken. He said, "Oif." Then the Knight walked back into the trees and disappeared.
"There he goes!" shouted Wolf. "Get him!" said Ice. They raced off into the trees.
"Don't mind me," said the Llama Spotter. "I'll be alright. I've just been whacked over the head with a bloody great chicken and said 'oif'. Why shouldn't I be alright? Oh! Hello? What is that? I… I do believe… YES! It IS a llama! Success! Success at last! Oh. Oh my. What is it doing? Help! Oh help, the llama is urinating in my eyes! Oh, it burns, it burns! Aaaaiiieeee!!!"
* * *
The phone rang. Magnus picked it up with a sigh. "If this is another one of those damn telemarketers…"
"What's your favorite scary movie?"
"Godzilla, American version."
"… That movie's not scary."
"No, but the acting is."
"Ah! Ahahahahaha!!! Stop it! I just squirted sake out of my nose!!!"
"… Stalkers drink rice wine?"
"I'm a culturally diverse stalker."
"I see."
"So tell me, where's the chick with all the knives?"
"Oh, you mean Ice? Stay away brother."
"What? Why?"
"Someday when you're older I'll explain the concept of 'high maintenance'."
Ice Blue X walked through the room and bonked Magnus over the head with a chicken. He said, "Oif."
The Stalker started choking and had to hang up. Magnus grumbled and went to pick the feathers out of his hair.
* * *
Nytetrayn, Gelgameth, and Zaphkiel were walking along interstate 29, relatively quietly. Nytetrayn had earlier made a comment about being forced to "baby-sit", and Gelgameth had consequently used a lightning spell to turn him into Kentucky Fried Mechadrake. Zaphkiel was still giggling about that.
"Hey, look over there." Gelgameth indicated a large castle standing several yards away on their right. "What's a castle doing along a United States interstate highway?"
"Tourist trap?" suggested Nyte.
"Theme hotel?" was Zaphkiel's guess.
"Good, then maybe we can get a mana draught, I'm famished." They trooped up to the castle entrance, where Nytetrayn knocked.
There was no answer. He knocked again, with a similar effect. Gelgameth sighed, created a large blade out of magic, and carved out the door's lock.
"That's breaking and entering," said Zaphkiel.
"What's your point?"
They headed inside. The castle was luxuriously furnished, and fires glowed merrily in the fireplaces and candles. There were no people to be found, however.
After a while, though, they found what looked like a throne room, and on that throne sat a fat old fellow with a scraggly beard, wearing extremely recognizable clothes.
"Dear lord!" said Zaphkiel, "it's the Pope!"
"Actually, no," said the man, "I'm his younger brother, Bob."
"Oh," said Nyetrayn, "well, I guess we'll be going then…"
"Not so fast!" shouted Bob, "cardinals, come forth!"
Three men in long scarlet robes leapt out of hallway, blocking off our heroes' escape route. "These are Cardinals Romano, Gleese, and Haverdasher," said Bob. "It seems to me that you three are on a quest of some sort. I will assist you if you can pass their test, but if you fail, you will be tortured with thumb screws, racks, and Britney Spears albums."
"NOOOOOO!!!!" Nytetrayn fell to the ground in a sobbing heap. Zaphkiel and Gelgameth looked at each other, shrugged, and turned back to Bob. "Sounds good to us."
"Excellent!" said Cardinal Gleese. "It is time for the Spanish Inquisition!" shouted Romano.
"Woah," said Gelgameth, "I didn't expect that."
"Well of course!" said Cardinal Haverdasher, "No one EXPECTS the Spanish Inquisition! Now then, are any of you Roman Catholics?"
"Um… no, not really," said Gelgameth.
"I'm more of a Protestant," said Zaphkiel.
"I'm a reploid," said Nytetrayn.
"Right! Jolly good then, you've failed." Cardinal Gleese began dragging some chains out of the corner. "Come on now, off to the dungeons with you. We'll be along to violate you with hot irons in a moment."
Zaphkiel winced. "Eww, that's not a pleasant thought."
"I say we blow this popsicle stand," said Nytetrayn.
"How?" asked Zaphkiel.
"Simple," replied Gelgameth, "we kill them!"
"Nooooo!" screamed Cardinal Romano, "they've turned ugly! Bring the Holy Hand Grenade!"
"The WHAT?" asked Gelgameth, "that's not supposed to show up until almost the end of the movie!"
"We're hardly following the movie script exactly," said Nytetrayn, "there weren't any Spanish Inquisitors in 'The Holy Grail'."
Cardinal Haverdasher brought out a spherical object with a cross stuck in it on a velvet pillow. Bob opened up the instruction booklet.
"And lo, the Lord said 'When thou needst a way to layeth the smacketh down, thou shalt bring forth the Holy Hand Grenade, and throw it at thine enemies, and assuredly I shall frag them unto oblivion. And the manner of which thou shalt do this is thus: that thou shalt first remove the Holy Pin of the Holy Hand Grenade, and then thou shalt count, and then hurl the Holy Hand grenade upon thine enemies, and I the Lord shall put the kibosh upon them. And this is the manner in which thou shalt count: thou shalt count to three. Not to one, and most assuredly not to two, unless it is followed directly by three. And four is right out."
"Right," said Cardinal Gleese, taking the Holy Hand Grenade. "Romano, you count."
Gleese pulled the Holy Pin. "One," said Romano, "two, three!"
"Four!" said Cardinal Haverdasher.
"Three!"
"Too late!"
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!"
The Holy Hand Grenade blew up in their faces, leaving a fairly large crater in the flooring. Nytetrayn, Zaphkiel, and Gelgameth blinked.
"Awwww man," said Gelgameth, "I wanted to do that!"
"Some other time," said Zaphkiel, patting him on the shoulder. "Right," said Nytetrayn, "let's get the hell out of here."
* * *
The phone rang. Gelgameth picked it up. "Hello?"
"Yo G, what you doin'?" asked the Stalker.
"Blowing up Spanish Inquisitors, havin' a Bud."
"True, true."
"WAAAAAZZZAAAAAP!?" said Gelgameth.
"WAAAAASSSSSSUUUUUUPPPPP!?" said the Stalker.
"WAAAAAZZZZAAAAAP!?" cheered Zaphkiel.
"What the hell?" asked Nytetrayn.
"So what you doin' man?" asked Gelgameth.
"Stalkin'. Havin' a Bud."
"True."
* * *
Magnus had put on a fresh pair of pants and mended his trench coat, and was now in the woods once more, searching for the elusive English Knight who hit people with his dead chicken, causing them to say "oif."
Then, lo and behold, in the sky up above, he bespied a bizarre sight, the shining image of a knight, carrying the shining image of a dead chicken, as though he might bonk someone upon the head and cause them to say "oif."
Magnus swiftly ran through the woods towards this image, and found himself at a large, medieval castle. Standing at the door was a woman dressed as a nun.
"Good evening sir traveler," said the nun, "I am Sister Zoe. You must be tired from your journey, I beseech you to come in and rest."
"Thanks," said Magnus, "but I'm really in the middle of something… you see, I'm looking for an English Knight who carries around a dead chicken, and he hits people with this chicken, you see, and then they say 'oif'."
"Oh!" said Sister Zoe, "oh my, what a coincidence, we just happen to have such a fellow at our abbey!"
"You do? Cool! Take me to him!"
"Immediately, good sir."
Magnus followed Zoe into the abbey.
* * *
The phone rang. Ice picked it up. "If this is another stalker…" she warned.
"What if I told you it's the same stalker?"
"That would be instant death."
"Oh come on baby, don't leave me out in the cold. You're the only woman I've ever met who likes knives and killing people as much as I do! We're made for each other!"
"Sorry, I'm taken."
"I don't care! I'll stalk you to the ends of the universe! I'll steal your undergarments and treasure them as sacred relics! I'll build a shrine in your honor and keep a candle lit vigil to your photograph! I'll shoot the president of the United States for you!"
"That's very romantic, but I'm Canadian."
"Whatever! I'll shoot the prime minister! Hell, I'll shoot the queen mother!"
"Hmmm, it might be worth it just to see that."
"I can see you thinking it over, I'm watching you!"
"Ooh, that gives me goose bumps."
"Yeah baby! I'll give ya goose bumps! I'll be your stalker baby! I'll cut away your pain!!!"
"Hmmm…. no."
She hung up.
"Damnit," said the Stalker
"How did you get a phone call in the middle of the woods?" asked Wolf. "From him," said Ice, pointing to the lumberjack dressed in woman's lingerie. Wolf shuddered.
* * *
Nytetrayn, Zaphkiel, and Gelgameth were in the woods again. Zaphkiel had just been chickened on the ass, causing her to say "Fio!", and they were hot on the Knight's trail. Abruptly, however, they found their way blocked by many tall, stocky figures in plate armor with antlers emerging from their helmets.
"Halt!" cried the tallest one, "you shall not pass!"
"Oh no," said Nytetrayn, "not these guys, anything but these guys…"
"Why can't we pass?" asked Gelgameth.
"Because we are… the Knights who say Nih! And we said so!"
"Damnit," said Nytetrayn.
"If we get you a shrubbery, can we pass?" asked Zaphkiel.
"No," said the Knight who says Nih, "we are beyond our shrubbery phase, but we have not yet decided what we want instead. Therefore, you can not pass."
"Screw this," said Nytetrayn, "we're coming through and there's not a damn thing you can do to stop us…"
"NIH! NIH! NIH! NIH!"
"AAAAIIIGH!!!" The adventurers curled up into the fetal position, wailing in agony. The Knight who says Nih laughed.
"You see? You are powerless against us! We are invincible!"
"Wait!" said another Knight who says Nih, "I have it! Let us ask them for sherbet!"
"Sherbet! Sherbet!" chanted the other knights.
"Sherbet?" asked their leader, "are you mad?"
"… Yes."
"Alright then! Insects! Bring us sherbet, or we shall say Nih until your heads explode messily onto the forest floor!"
"This sucks," said Nytetrayn. "Stop whining," said Gelgameth, "we passed a sherbet stand just a few miles ago."
"So that's what a plot contrivance looks like," said Zaphkiel.
"Shut up," said the author, "at least they aren't asking for anal sex."
They shuddered, and set out to fetch the sherbet.
* * *
The phone rang. Zaphkiel picked it up, and then hang it back up immediately afterwards.
"That's not fair!" whined the Stalker.
* * *
Magnus was wandering through the abbey, looking for the English Knight who hits people with a dead chicken and makes them say "Oif." Zoe was showing him various points of interest throughout the castle.
"And here is a tapestry that shows how Sir Chickenwuss wet himself at the battle of Hastings. Over there is a sconce. And that is a box containing the last physical remnants of Saint Paul, a single pubic hair."
"Um… yeah." Magnus put the box back down in a hurry. "This is all very fascinating, but I really just want to find that Knight…"
"Oh yes, the Knight. Well, erm, he is at the top of the highest tower in the abbey, and I am afraid that before you attempt such a hazardous journey you must eat."
"Um… I'm a biologically engineered half Saiya-jin, I think I can handle it…"
"No, no, you need to eat. Now, here is the banquet hall…"
Magnus then ate a hearty lunch, assisted by several smiling, friendly, giggly nuns. However, Zoe disappeared. Magnus was starting to feel a little uncomfortable, but the food was good, so he tucked in.
Afterwards he got up, and despite the nuns' protests, set off to find the tower. However, he was intercepted by a familiar face.
"Alright Zoe," he said, "I'm ready when you are!"
"Zoe? I'm afraid you must be mistaken sir, my name is Lyra, Zoe is my twin sister."
"Oh. Um, alright then. Zoe was going to show me to the top of your tower so I could see the Knight there."
"Knight? Oh no. Bad Zoe! Evil Zoe! She has done it again!"
Magnus blinked. "Um… what are you talking about?"
Lyra heaved a deep sigh. "You see sir, there is no Knight in the tower, but there is a Knight-shaped beacon, and apparently Zoe has used it to deceive you into thinking that there is an English Knight in this abbey who carries about a dead chicken, which he just might use to hit people, making them say 'Oif.'"
Magnus groaned and smacked himself in the forehead. "Great."
"Yes, Zoe has been very naughty. There is only one way to remedy this."
"Um… what's that?"
"Why, we will tie her to the bed, and you must spank her." The other nuns nodded emphatically. Magnus blinked.
"Um… what?"
"Yes! You must spank her good and hard, and then, I feel so very guilty about all this, as do the other sisters, you must spank all of us!"
"Um…"
"Yes! Yes!" cried the nuns, "spank us! Please, you must!"
"Yes," said Lyra, "and then, I think, the oral sex. Yes.."
"Hold it!" Wolf abruptly leapt in between Magnus and the nuns, followed bye Ice Blue X. "Back off, you horny nuns! No one will force my brother to perform oral sex while I'm around!"
"Um, Wolf? I think I can handle this," said Magnus.
"No, there are too many of them," said Ice, "you should be glad we came when we did."
"No, really, I can handle it." Magnus tried to get around them. "I can take 'em…"
"Yes!" cried the nuns, "Yes! Please! Let him take us!"
"No!" cried Wolf, "back off, bitches!"
"Yes! Please! Make us your bitches!"
"Goddamnit Wolf, I don't need your help!"
Ice smacked him upside the head. "Shut up Mags. You alone in an abbey full of horny nuns? We wouldn't see you for a year. We have a quest to go on."
"Screw the quest! I haven't had sex in months!"
"Enough!" cried Wolf, "I shall end this once and for all!"
"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!"
"Behold the light of death!"
Wolf dropped his pants, and a dazzling white light erupted from his genitalia. The nuns screamed in horror as their eyeballs melted out of their sockets.
A moment later the light cleared and there was nothing left but a large crater, in the middle of which were standing Magnus, Ice, and Wolf.
"Does he have to do that in EVERY skit?" asked Ice.
"Yes," said Magnus, "it's in his contract. Now let's hurry up and get this over with, I need my Tifa clones."
* * *
The phone rang. "Yes?" replied Zoe, "who is it?"
"I understand there's a large abbey full of horny nuns around here," said the Stalker.
"Actually the abbey has been destroyed, and most of the nuns are dead. I was spared because I was up in the tower manning the beacon shaped like a Knight who hits people over the head with a dead chicken and makes them say 'oif'."
"The Knight or the beacon?"
"Look, I'm a very horny nun in the middle of the woods and my clothing is decidedly the worse for wear after the abbey was destroyed, now are you going to violate and gut me and hang my entrails from a tree or aren't you?"
"Alright, alright! Get a little muddy and root for berries or something, I'll be there in a hour."
* * *
Magnus, Wolf, and Ice Blue X were walking down interstate 29 when they ran into Nytetrayn, Gelgameth, and Zaphkiel lugging several huge containers of rapidly melting sherbet along the side of the road. "What are you guys doing?" asked Magnus.
"The Knights who say Nih said they would only let us pass if we brought them sherbet," said Gelgameth.
"Sherbet? I thought they asked for a shrubbery?" asked Ice.
"Don't ask," said Zaphkiel, "Mags has been butchering the Monty Python references from the beginning."
"What did I say about that?" asked Magnus, "if you want to be gang banged by antler-wearing morons, keep talking. Now fortunately for you, being a self-insert, I know the weakness of the Knights who say Nih, and I will get us all past them because I'm starting to get bored."
"I dunno," said Wolf, "this is kind of fun."
"It was fun until you killed all my nuns," muttered Magnus bitterly.
They then set out to find the Knights who say Nih, abandoning the sherbet by the wayside. Nytetrayn pointed out that this was an enormous waste, as they had killed a very nice gas station attendant to get it, but none of the others really cared anyway.
"What?" asked the leader of the Knights who say Nih, "you have not brought us back sherbet! You shall suffer greatly for this!"
"I don't think so," said Magnus, "foolish knights, I have the key to your defeat!"
"What the hell are you blabbering about?" asked the leader of the Knights who say Nih.
"This is it!" said Magnus. The knights screamed in agony.
"… what the hell was that?" asked Nytetrayn.
"What are you talking about?" asked Ice Blue X "You didn't do anything."
"No," said Magnus, "that's not it, this is."
The knights screamed again.
"I think Mags is insane," said Zaphkiel. The knights wailed.
"What? What did I do? Is this it?"
The knights ran, caterwauling. Magnus fell over laughing. The others just stood there and blinked.
"Did I miss something?" asked Gelgameth.
* * *
"Hey!" said Ice Blue X, "that stalker didn't call! I wonder why?"
"He's occupied," said Magnus, pointing at the guy in black arranging Zoe's intestines on a tree limb.
They ran.
* * *
The woods were quiet… too quiet. The silence was oppressive, and the heat was starting to get to them. Plus the insects were becoming extremely bold. Wolf had to dance around for a solid minute before the others realized he'd stepped into a nest of bulldog ants.
No, there are no bulldogs ants in North America, but there aren't any Knights who say Nih either, so shut up.
"I getting' nervous," said Gelgameth, "there's somethin' out there man, somethin' followin' us. We're in trouble. Game over man! Game over!"
Magnus slapped him around. "Calm down!" he shouted, "nobody's getting us! We're going to make it out of here alive! Come on, ve move. Fifty meter spread, no sound."
"Why is he talking with an Austrian accent?" asked Ice Blue X.
"I think this is the Predator segment," said Nytetrayn.
All of a sudden something flashed out of the trees and Magnus went down with a gurgling scream, a large hole torn through his chest.
"It got Mags! IT GOT MAGS!" Gelgameth began hurling fireballs wildly into the trees. Nyetrayn pulled out his spiral blaster and joined him. Wolf and Ice Blue X started firing Ki blasts. Zaphkiel shouted encouragement from the sidelines.
After several moments there was nothing left of the foliage in front of them for several dozen yards. They stood there for a long moment, panting.
"Um, guys?" said Magnus, "I'm still alive. Healing factor, you know…"
"I can't see any bodies!" said Wolf. "We hit nothing!"
"Yep," said Nytetrayn, "I was right, Predator."
"No wait," said Ice Blue X, "this is a severely butchered version of the Holy Grail, remember? That was the rabbit."
"Bull," said Nytetrayn, "no rabbit could do that! It's a mean alien headhunter!"
"It's a cute, fluffy bunny with a thirst for blood!"
"OH MY GOD! WOLF! IT GOT WOLF!"
Sure enough, Wolf was nowhere to be seen. Lying on the ground where he'd been standing a second ago were his clothes. Zaphkiel was lying on the ground in a fetal position, screaming.
"OH MY GOD!" screamed Magnus, "WOLF TOOK OFF HIS CLOTHES! HE'S RUNNNG AROUND NAKED!"
"They're scared out of their minds," said Gelgameth.
"Look over there!" said Ice, pointing triumphantly at a small, furry object coming at them at high speed. "I was right! It is the rabbit!"
"Um, Ice?" said Nytetrayn nervously, "that rabbit has antlers."
A long period of silence followed, during which the suspense mounted very quickly.
"JACKALOPE!"
"RUNAWAY!"
They scattered.
* * *
The phone rang. "I'm kind of busy right now," said Ice.
"I can see that," said the Stalker, "for a pair of panties, I can make all your troubles go away."
"You can go one-on-one with a jackelope?"
"I can handle it."
"…why do you want my panties?"
"I'm a stalker, you have to ask?"
"Oh, alright, fine. They'll be under a tree stump next to the river."
"YESSSS!!!" The stalker hung up.
"I despise that man," muttered Ice.
* * *
Now minus one member of their party, the adventurers nonetheless had not lost hope. Predictably, the Knight leapt out of the trees and whacked Nytetrayn upside the head with his dead chicken, making him say "oif." The chase was on.
Ice Blue X was moving a little oddly, and seemed to be adjusting her pants a lot. "Are you alright Ice?" asked Gelgameth.
"Don't ask. Just DON'T ask."
They eventually came across a rope bridge spanning a rather large gorge. Standing in front of it was a hunched over dwarf.
"Stop!" said the dwarf, "those how pass over this bridge must answer three questions, or they shall be thrown into the great gorge of horny kangaroos."
"What IS it with you and kangaroos man?" asked Nytetrayn. "Shut up," said Magnus.
"Alright," said Gelgameth, "I'll bite." He walked up to the dwarf, who looked him over, and then asked him his three questions.
"What… is your name?"
"Gelgameth."
"What… is your quest?"
"To seek the Knight who strikes people over the head with a dead chicken and makes them say 'oif'."
"What… is your favorite color?"
"Black."
"You may pass."
The others blinked as Gelgameth walked over. "Okay," said Zaphkiel, "remember, next he's gonna switch to something hard."
"Don't worry," said Magnus, "I know the air speed of an unladen swallow"
He walked up to the dwarf, who began questioning him.
"What… is your name?"
"Magnus."
"What… is your quest?"
"To seek the Knight who strikes people with a dead chicken, causing them to say 'oif'."
"What… is your favorite color?"
"Thirty miles per… what? AAAIIIIGH!"
Magnus let out a cry of surprise as he was catapulted into the air by an unseen force and hurled bodily into the gorge of horny kangaroos.
"AAAAAHHHH!!! THEY'RE SO BIG!!!!"
"Ew," said Ice.
"Relax," said Nytetrayn, "I've got this."
He walked up to the dwarf.
"What is your name?" asked the dwarf.
"Lord Black 'Nytetrayn' Draco."
"What is your quest?"
TDo seek the Knight who strikes people over the head with a dead chicken and makes them say 'oif'."
"What… is the ground speed of a centipede?"
"What species of centipede?"
"Oh no! I'm not falling for that trick! How should I know what species of… aw hell. AAAAIGH!!!"
The rest of the travelers passed over the bridge with no further problems.
"This is bad," said Gelgameth, "Magnus's self-insert was our only link with the author, now we have no idea what's going on."
"Dude, you just annihilated the fourth wall," said Zaphkiel.
"Did we ever really have one?"
"Hey, look, lunch!" They turned to see a three-headed giant lumbering over, grinning stupidly with all three mouths. "Which one to eat first…"
"I'll handle this," said Nytetrayn, cracking his knuckles.
* * *
The phone rang. Ice Blue X picked it up. "Hello!" she said cheerfully.
The Stalker groaned.
"Have a nice time with Mr. Jackalope?"
"I'll get you for this."
"Hey, you said you could handle it."
"Not that. These panties. They're not thong, and there's no lace, not even a leopard print. What am I supposed to do with boring unstained blue panties?"
"… The fact that they're not stained is a bad thing?"
"I'm a sociopath!"
"Oh right. Well, sorry, but I got nothin' left."
"We'll see… heehehehe… hahahahaha…. BWAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!"
He hung up. Ice blinked. "What the hell?"
* * *
"That was impressive," said Gelgameth.
"Yes," said Ice Blue X, "quite a performance."
"I will never forget it," said Zaphkiel, "never has a black mechadrake begged for his life with such fervency."
"Poor guy," said Gelgameth, "you think it hurt badly when the giant started eating him whole?"
"Probably," said Zaphkiel.
"Hey look guys," said Ice, "another castle."
It was indeed another castle. Abruptly, a short, greasy little man with a pointy beard appeared over the battlements.
"Oh, look! Three exceptionally unattractive excuses for humanity defile my doorstep with their filth! Fie upon you intruders! Begone! Return to the slime pit from whence you came!"
"I knew Mags wouldn't forget about these guys," said Ice.
"Look," said Gelgameth, "we're just looking for a Knight who hits people over the head with a chicken and makes them say 'oif'! Can't you please just tell us where the hell he is!?"
"Who is this Knight? Is he your truant father? Ah ha! Hahahaha! Most unworthy recipients of the scientific classification 'Homo Sapien', I spit upon your pseudopod-like feet! I defecate upon your mother's beard! I unclog my nose in your general direction!"
"This is starting to get on my nerves," said Zaphkiel.
"Worthless dregs of humanity! I bid you good day, lady and sirs! Aha! Do you see how I rearrange the plural and singular, thus calling the man among you a woman, and the women among you men, and insult your very genders? I piss upon your hairy buttocks! I pop my skin blemishes at the ground upon which you tread! I-"
"MAKKANKOSAPPO!"
Ice's ki attack tore the Frenchman's head off his shoulders. She then shattered the doors of the castle with one swift kick. "Shall we?" she asked, gesturing for Zaphkiel and Gelgameth to proceed her.
"That was cool," commented Gelgameth as they entered the castle's courtyard, which appeared to be deserted aside from the body of the French guy. The door of the keep was ominously open, and the passageway beyond was dark.
Naturally they walked right in. At the end of the hallway was a large stone room, rather like a jail cell. They stood there for a few minutes, looking around, but nothing interesting happened.
"Well," said Ice, "another dead end. Let's go back and ask that three- headed giant, maybe he- ACK!"
A black shape in a long cloak leapt out of the dark and stabbed her repeatedly in the back with a large butcher knife. Ice gurgled and fell to the ground. The man in the dark cloak threw a pair of panties on the corpse, and spat on it.
"I want to go home now," said Zapkiel.
"That's for the jackalope chomping on my privates, bitch." The Stalker then turned on Gelgameth and Zaphkiel. "Alright, now that we've almost reached the end, I might as well tell you guys…"
"Let me guess," said Gelgameth, "you're actually the Knight who beats people with a dead chicken and makes them say 'oif'."
The Stalker blinked. "No, actually, that's my brother, George."
The Knight abruptly ran into the room, and gasped in horror. "This time you've gone too far!" he cried, "I've got to stop you once and for all so you never kill again Stanley!"
"STANLEY!?" said Gelgameth and Zaphkiel.
"AAAAARGH!" said the Stalker, "I told you never to mention that name, George! Now you die!" He ran over and stabbed the Knight with his knife. The Knight said "Ow!" He retaliated by beating the Stalker over the head with his dead chicken. The Stalker said "Oif!"
The two brothers chased each other around the room, stabbing and bonking each other in a fit of rage.
"Ow!"
"Oif!"
"Ow!"
"Oif!"
"Ow!"
"Oif!"
"OW!!!"
"OIF!!!"
"I think I'm going to scream," said Gelgameth.
"Quick you two!" shouted the Knight, "run! Once you're outside, I'll use the last of my chicken powers to destroy the castle with me and Stanley in it!"
Zaphkiel blinked. "Your… chicken… powers…?"
"JUST DO IT!" screamed the Knight.
They ran. Just as they got out of the door, a blast of feathers erupted out of the portal, followed by an almighty "CLUCK!"
Then the castle collapsed inwards onto itself, leaving nothing but a large pile of toppled stone.
"Wow," said Gelgameth.
"Yes," replied Wolf, "quite trippy."
"What the hell!?" Zaphkiel whirled around top find Ice Blue X, Nytetrayn, Magnus, and Wolf standing behind them, watching the castle settle.
"It's fairly simple," said Magnus, "Wolf didn't get killed by the jackalope, he left to wash off the ants in a nearby river. I was horribly abused by the horny kangaroos, but I eventually escaped from the gorge. Nytetrayn, naturally, having been swallowed whole, and not being made of anything digestible, was expelled whole. Ice Blue X, of course, possesses a healing factor, and left while you guys were busy watching Stanley and George fight."
"THAT'S what plot contrivance looks like," said Nytetrayn.
"Do you want to be dunked in stomach acid again?" asked Magnus.
"Let's go home," said Zaphkiel, "suddenly, I have an urge to try and take over the world once more."
They left, and played Risk and drank margaritas until the break of dawn, and were never hit by chickens, or said "Oif" ever again.
The End
***
Craziness
***
"Worthless insects! Bow before my power!"
Magnus threw his head back and laughed hysterically as crackling streams of energy surrounded his body, filling the room with a harsh red glow. His long black trenchcoat billowed out behind him like the wings of some primeval beast as the foundations of his underground lair trembled.
"Mags, calm down," said Ice Blue X. "We're just playing 'Risk'."
"Yeah," said Gelgameth. "Look, you scared Zaph!"
Zaphkiel was hiding behind Wolf, trembling and whimpering incoherently about "the mean guy". Wolf raised an eyebrow.
Magnus grumbled and sat back down on the couch. "You're just pissed because I'm winning." He gestured at the board. "My army of darkness and blood has conquered half the world! You stand no chance at all against me, you're all screwed!!!"
"Mags, you're using the yellow army, now shut up and attack someone with your stupid piss infantry." Magnus gave Nytetrayn a withering glare and attacked Afghanistan, which the black Mechadrake happened to own. The battle was over in a few rolls.
The inhabitants of the Tokyo teahouse had taken refuge in Magnus's inner sanctum because of an unfortunate occurrence at the teahouse involving Nyte, a laxative slipped him by Zaphkiel, and the toilet in the men's bathroom. With the teahouse flooded, Magnus had magnanimously offered to let them spend the evening at his place, which everyone eagerly agreed to, especially because Magnus's home had once been the headquarters of a major black market weapons manufacturing company, and he still had plenty of showers so everyone could wash off the dragon feces.
At the end of his turn Magnus owned the entirety of Asia and Europe, and a large portion of Africa. Gelgameth promptly launched a surgical strike from his base in Australia, which was followed quickly by a strike from Wolf's forces in Alaska, Nytetrayn's soldiers in Greenland, and an attack from Ice's guerillas in South America. Zaphkiel had been out of the game since she'd taken over the entire North American continent, prompting the others to gang up on her like so many piranha.
Magnus suffered much the same fate as he was left with nothing but Ukraine and Kamchatka. Swearing revenge, he piled his forces in the south and made a beeline for the Congo. Ice weathered his attack admirably until Gelgameth wiped out the remains of the yellow warriors.
Magnus left to get a beer, still swearing revenge.
Wolf upped the ante and wiped out Nytetrayn's Canadians, followed by a brief but brutal turf war between Gelgameth and Ice in southern Asia. Ice and Wolf then turned on each other. Wolf had more territory, but Ice got about a gajillion armies for turning in the last set of Risk cards and turned his glorious army into kibble.
Magnus returned to find Ice standing on the coffee table, hand raised in victory and berating her fallen opponents for being wusses. Zaph borrowed one of Magnus's chocolate dildos and scored a direct hit to her face. What followed shortly after was the most vicious five minutes of chocolate phallus combat the world has ever seen. Eight-inch dark chocolates flew through the air, crispy six-inchers were gouged into eyes, foot-longs with nougat filling were used like swords. Unfortunately, Mags got hit a little too hard in the groin with a minty butt plug and reflexively singed Nyte's tail with an energy blast. Ki attacks came into play and reduced the room to rubble within seconds.
"Guys," said Gelgameth, "this is a place of madness."
"I think any place with us in it has a certain share of madness," said Wolf.
"Exactly!" Magnus pumped his fist into the air. "That's what makes it FUN!"
"It stopped being fun with I got a chunk of peanut brittle lodged in my ass," muttered Zaphkiel. Magnus fell over laughing hysterically, and was promptly bonked upon the head with a dead chicken. He said "Oif."
There was a moment of silence. "Who did that?" asked Nytetrayn. "Did what?" asked Ice.
"Hit Mags with that chicken, thus causing him to say 'oif'! The rest of us are buried under piles of scorched drywall!"
They scrambled out from under the debris and realized, with no small amount of perplexity, that there was indeed no one in the room who could have hit Magnus over the head with the dead chicken, causing him to say "oif".
"Do any of us even HAVE a dead chicken with which they could have hit Magnus over the head, causing him to say 'oif'?" asked Gelgameth. The others turned out their pockets, and discovered that no such chicken existed. "The plot thickens," muttered Wolf, stroking his chin. "If we were all buried under drywall, and none of us possesses a dead chicken with which to hit Magnus over the head and make him say 'oif', then there is only one other logical explanation."
"Shit!" said the Knight.
There was a moment of silence. Wolf raised an eyebrow. "I said EXPLANATION, not exclamation."
"Oh. Sorry."
"I think I get what Wolf is trying to say," said Zaphkiel, "if none of us did it, then there must be someone else here who was not buried under drywall, and possesses a chicken with which they could bonk Mags over the head, thus making him say 'oif'."
"You don't mean…?" gasped the Knight.
"Yes!" Zaphkiel cowered in fear. "THERE IS SOMEONE ELSE IN MAGNUS'S UNDERGROUND LAIR!"
Everyone gasped appropriately. "But wait," said Ice, "how do we know Magnus was even hit with a chicken that made him say 'oif'?"
"Because he has one," said Gelgameth, pointing at the Knight.
There was another moment of silence. The Knight bonked Gelgameth on the head with a chicken, and quickly strode out of the room. Gelgameth said "Oif."
"Oh my god!" Nytetrayn's jaw fell open in horror. "Who was that masked man!?"
"I think he was English," said Ice.
"Shut up about English people, Ice, you're obsessed with England." Magnus pounded his fist into his palm. "We have to get to the bottom of this! We must find out who that knight is who has the dead chicken and hits people, making them say 'oif'!"
"Why do we have to do that?" asked Wolf.
"Because the author is drunk and can't come up with anything intelligent," said Zaphkiel. Magnus kicked her in the ass, dislodging the peanut brittle, which ricocheted into his eye. Zaphkiel giggled hysterically as he fell over, screaming in pain.
"That's good enough for me," said Wolf. "Let us go forth then, and find this knight, whom we assume is from England, who possesses a dead chicken that he bonks people with, causing them to say 'oif'!"
Gelgameth's eyes boggled. "You mean…!?"
"Yes!" bellowed Wolf, "A quest!"
"What the hell," said Nytetrayn, "I haven't got anything better to do."
They trooped out of Magnus's living room, leaving him lying on the ground attempting to separate the peanut brittle from his skull.
* * *
The phone rang. Ice Blue X picked it up. "Hello, Magnus's underground lair."
"What's your favorite scary movie?" said a harsh, quiet voice over the other end of the line.
"'Striptease', absolutely terrifying."
"I like scary movies."
"Me too, especially the ones about guys with bigass knives that go around calling people and stalking them and then disemboweling them and hanging their intestines from trees."
"I LOVE those movies."
"Yes! I love them so much, I have a collection of knives!"
"Yeah, me…. wait… you collect knives…?"
"Yup. I love knives. I've got a couple little ones you can use to stab things, and a few really big cleaver type things you can just chop away with. I really like this one knife I've got, it's got serrated edges and all sorts of little teeth and hooks on the blade, I think it was made for gutting pigs but I like to-"
The phone went dead. Ice giggled and hung up. "That's the only way to answer a phone call like that."
* * *
Mags and company were trooping through the woods, looking for the English Knight with the dead chicken who hits people, making them say "oif".
"Why are we walking through a forest?" asked Nytetrayn. "Dunno," said Magnus, "it seemed like a reasonable place to look for a knight."
"Hey look!" said Ice, "there's one now!"
After exchanging sidelong glances, they all walked over to the nearby stream, over which spanned a small bridge with was guarded by a knight in heavy black armor.
"That's not our guy," said Gelgameth, "he was in kind of a steely-colored ensemble."
"Hey!" said Zaphkiel to the Black Knight, "do you know another knight who might be walking around here, guy carried a dead chicken that he hits people with and makes them say 'oif'?"
The Black Knight remained silent. "Yo! Dingus!" Zaphkiel rapped on his helmet. "Anyone home!?"
"He must be slow," said Magnus, "Let's just go." He stepped onto the bridge, but the Black Knight immediately held out a huge sword and screamed, "You shall not pass!"
Magnus hopped back just in time to avoid getting something removed. "Yikes! Hey, what's the deal!?"
"I am the guardian of the bridge, you shall not cross over it!"
"Oh for the love of… here, I saw this movie." Magnus drew his runeblade and charged the Black Knight, who blocked his thrust. The two warriors fought for a few minutes, kicking up a circle of dirt, until the black knight abruptly lopped off Magnus's left arm.
Mags freaked. "AHHH! My coat! Look what he did to my coat!"
The Black Knight looked taken aback. "What!? Your coat? I just cut off your arm!"
"It's only a scratch, I'll be fine."
"WHAT!? Your arm is lying on the ground! Look! There's nothing left of your shoulder but a bleeding stump!"
"I'm fine, just fight me."
The Black Knight shrugged, and the continued their battle. After another few minutes, Magnus lost his other arm."
"Ha ha!" crowed the Black Knight, "I win!"
"What are you talking about?" asked Magnus, "it's merely a flesh wound."
The Black Knight just stared at him, a small clank from inside his helmet indicating that his jaw had fallen open. "Merely a… WHAT!? Are you insane!?"
"Yes, he is," said Wolf. "Very much so," added Ice.
"Come on," said Magnus, kicking the Black Knight in the shin, "let's go!"
"No! I refuse! I- Ow! Owch! Stop kicking me! Hey! That really hurts! Owch! Stoppit! Ow! Okay, you can stop now! Ow! Damnit! Take this!"
He promptly sliced off Magnus's right leg, leaving him hopping up and down. "Oh come on," said Magnus, "is that your best shot? You're pathetic! I've battled colds worse than you!"
The Black Knight just sort of stared, unsure exactly what was going on.
"Come on! Let's go! One more round! My grandmother could beat you!"
"You're joking. What are you going to do? Bleed on me?"
"Good idea! Come here…"
"AAAAH! He IS bleeding on me! That's DISGUSTING!" The Black Knight cut off Magnus's last leg and ran, screaming in horror.
"That was very screwed up," said Gelgameth. "I was disturbed, and I'm a shadowy evil sorcerer."
"Pussy," said Magnus, regenerating his limbs and standing up. "Geez, it's cold around here, I'm gonna go get another pair of pants."
"We'll keep up the search," said Wolf. "Hey," said Nytetrayn, "as a matter of fact, I think we should all split up, we'll probably find him that much faster."
"Good idea," said Ice, "I'll go with Wolf and go North, you, Gelg, and Zaphkiel can head East, and Mags can go back to his underground lair for some pants."
"What's the point of going North and East?" asked Zaphkiel. "Because therein lies the directions to the two closest arcades with Dance Dance Revolution," said Gelgameth. Wolf and Ice cheered.
* * *
A phone rang. Nytetrayn blinked and picked it up. "What is a telephone doing out in the forest?" he wondered aloud.
"Hey, who are you?" asked the Stalker, "put that girl on, the one with all the knives."
Nytetrayn blinked. "Hey Zaph," he said, "I think it's for you."
"Hello?" said Zaphkiel.
"I want to sex you up," said the Stalker, "I want to cut your clothes off and get you all slippery with blood…"
"AAAUGH!!! That's disgusting! What kind of psychopath ARE you!?"
"Actually, I'm not a psychopath. Psychopaths don't know the difference between right and wrong. I'm a sociopath. I know the difference, I just don't care."
"Wow. Hey, waddya know, we learn something new every day."
"Yeah. Are you the chick I talked to before with all the knives? She was hot."
"If I had a knife, I'd cut your balls off and feed them to you."
"Ooh, kinky."
Zaphkiel hung up. "Nyte, stop giving me Magnus's prank calls."
"That wasn't Magnus, he's still over by the bridge, mourning his coat."
"Awww man, that means I'm gonna have to kill another stalker. Do you have any idea how hard it is to hide a body these days…?"
* * *
And so the adventurers set out on their quest to discover the identity of the English Knight who struck people over the head with the corpse of a chicken, thus causing them to say "oif". Ice Blue X and Wolf headed North, in the direction of the Springfield mall arcade, which possessed Dance Dance Revolution Second Mix, and Nytetrayn, Gelgameth, and Zaphkiel headed East, just for the hell of it, while Magnus went South, in the direction of his underground lair, where he kept his pants.
Ice Blue X and Wolf soon came across a man kneeling in the bushes near a set of railroad tracks. He was dressed warmly against the winter chill and carried a notebook and pen. He seemed to be watching for something.
"Hello," said Wolf.
"Oh, hello," replied the man, not looking up.
Wolf and Ice exchanged looks. "We were wondering," asked Ice, "if you've seen an English Knight around here, carrying a dead chicken that he hits people with, making them say 'oif'?"
"Sorry," replied the man, "haven't seen any Knights. Not a Knight Spotter. I'm a Llama Spotter."
Wolf and Ice blinked. "A Llama Spotter?" asked Wolf.
"Yes. I spot llamas, don't you know? I just sit out here all day with my little notebook taking down the sightings, it's really quite amusing."
"… are there any llamas in North America?" asked Ice.
"Not many, apparently, I haven't seen one yet. But I think I saw an Alpaca once, and something I thought was a Kudu."
Abruptly, the Knight walked out of the trees and struck the Llama Spotter over the head with his dead chicken. He said, "Oif." Then the Knight walked back into the trees and disappeared.
"There he goes!" shouted Wolf. "Get him!" said Ice. They raced off into the trees.
"Don't mind me," said the Llama Spotter. "I'll be alright. I've just been whacked over the head with a bloody great chicken and said 'oif'. Why shouldn't I be alright? Oh! Hello? What is that? I… I do believe… YES! It IS a llama! Success! Success at last! Oh. Oh my. What is it doing? Help! Oh help, the llama is urinating in my eyes! Oh, it burns, it burns! Aaaaiiieeee!!!"
* * *
The phone rang. Magnus picked it up with a sigh. "If this is another one of those damn telemarketers…"
"What's your favorite scary movie?"
"Godzilla, American version."
"… That movie's not scary."
"No, but the acting is."
"Ah! Ahahahahaha!!! Stop it! I just squirted sake out of my nose!!!"
"… Stalkers drink rice wine?"
"I'm a culturally diverse stalker."
"I see."
"So tell me, where's the chick with all the knives?"
"Oh, you mean Ice? Stay away brother."
"What? Why?"
"Someday when you're older I'll explain the concept of 'high maintenance'."
Ice Blue X walked through the room and bonked Magnus over the head with a chicken. He said, "Oif."
The Stalker started choking and had to hang up. Magnus grumbled and went to pick the feathers out of his hair.
* * *
Nytetrayn, Gelgameth, and Zaphkiel were walking along interstate 29, relatively quietly. Nytetrayn had earlier made a comment about being forced to "baby-sit", and Gelgameth had consequently used a lightning spell to turn him into Kentucky Fried Mechadrake. Zaphkiel was still giggling about that.
"Hey, look over there." Gelgameth indicated a large castle standing several yards away on their right. "What's a castle doing along a United States interstate highway?"
"Tourist trap?" suggested Nyte.
"Theme hotel?" was Zaphkiel's guess.
"Good, then maybe we can get a mana draught, I'm famished." They trooped up to the castle entrance, where Nytetrayn knocked.
There was no answer. He knocked again, with a similar effect. Gelgameth sighed, created a large blade out of magic, and carved out the door's lock.
"That's breaking and entering," said Zaphkiel.
"What's your point?"
They headed inside. The castle was luxuriously furnished, and fires glowed merrily in the fireplaces and candles. There were no people to be found, however.
After a while, though, they found what looked like a throne room, and on that throne sat a fat old fellow with a scraggly beard, wearing extremely recognizable clothes.
"Dear lord!" said Zaphkiel, "it's the Pope!"
"Actually, no," said the man, "I'm his younger brother, Bob."
"Oh," said Nyetrayn, "well, I guess we'll be going then…"
"Not so fast!" shouted Bob, "cardinals, come forth!"
Three men in long scarlet robes leapt out of hallway, blocking off our heroes' escape route. "These are Cardinals Romano, Gleese, and Haverdasher," said Bob. "It seems to me that you three are on a quest of some sort. I will assist you if you can pass their test, but if you fail, you will be tortured with thumb screws, racks, and Britney Spears albums."
"NOOOOOO!!!!" Nytetrayn fell to the ground in a sobbing heap. Zaphkiel and Gelgameth looked at each other, shrugged, and turned back to Bob. "Sounds good to us."
"Excellent!" said Cardinal Gleese. "It is time for the Spanish Inquisition!" shouted Romano.
"Woah," said Gelgameth, "I didn't expect that."
"Well of course!" said Cardinal Haverdasher, "No one EXPECTS the Spanish Inquisition! Now then, are any of you Roman Catholics?"
"Um… no, not really," said Gelgameth.
"I'm more of a Protestant," said Zaphkiel.
"I'm a reploid," said Nytetrayn.
"Right! Jolly good then, you've failed." Cardinal Gleese began dragging some chains out of the corner. "Come on now, off to the dungeons with you. We'll be along to violate you with hot irons in a moment."
Zaphkiel winced. "Eww, that's not a pleasant thought."
"I say we blow this popsicle stand," said Nytetrayn.
"How?" asked Zaphkiel.
"Simple," replied Gelgameth, "we kill them!"
"Nooooo!" screamed Cardinal Romano, "they've turned ugly! Bring the Holy Hand Grenade!"
"The WHAT?" asked Gelgameth, "that's not supposed to show up until almost the end of the movie!"
"We're hardly following the movie script exactly," said Nytetrayn, "there weren't any Spanish Inquisitors in 'The Holy Grail'."
Cardinal Haverdasher brought out a spherical object with a cross stuck in it on a velvet pillow. Bob opened up the instruction booklet.
"And lo, the Lord said 'When thou needst a way to layeth the smacketh down, thou shalt bring forth the Holy Hand Grenade, and throw it at thine enemies, and assuredly I shall frag them unto oblivion. And the manner of which thou shalt do this is thus: that thou shalt first remove the Holy Pin of the Holy Hand Grenade, and then thou shalt count, and then hurl the Holy Hand grenade upon thine enemies, and I the Lord shall put the kibosh upon them. And this is the manner in which thou shalt count: thou shalt count to three. Not to one, and most assuredly not to two, unless it is followed directly by three. And four is right out."
"Right," said Cardinal Gleese, taking the Holy Hand Grenade. "Romano, you count."
Gleese pulled the Holy Pin. "One," said Romano, "two, three!"
"Four!" said Cardinal Haverdasher.
"Three!"
"Too late!"
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!"
The Holy Hand Grenade blew up in their faces, leaving a fairly large crater in the flooring. Nytetrayn, Zaphkiel, and Gelgameth blinked.
"Awwww man," said Gelgameth, "I wanted to do that!"
"Some other time," said Zaphkiel, patting him on the shoulder. "Right," said Nytetrayn, "let's get the hell out of here."
* * *
The phone rang. Gelgameth picked it up. "Hello?"
"Yo G, what you doin'?" asked the Stalker.
"Blowing up Spanish Inquisitors, havin' a Bud."
"True, true."
"WAAAAAZZZAAAAAP!?" said Gelgameth.
"WAAAAASSSSSSUUUUUUPPPPP!?" said the Stalker.
"WAAAAAZZZZAAAAAP!?" cheered Zaphkiel.
"What the hell?" asked Nytetrayn.
"So what you doin' man?" asked Gelgameth.
"Stalkin'. Havin' a Bud."
"True."
* * *
Magnus had put on a fresh pair of pants and mended his trench coat, and was now in the woods once more, searching for the elusive English Knight who hit people with his dead chicken, causing them to say "oif."
Then, lo and behold, in the sky up above, he bespied a bizarre sight, the shining image of a knight, carrying the shining image of a dead chicken, as though he might bonk someone upon the head and cause them to say "oif."
Magnus swiftly ran through the woods towards this image, and found himself at a large, medieval castle. Standing at the door was a woman dressed as a nun.
"Good evening sir traveler," said the nun, "I am Sister Zoe. You must be tired from your journey, I beseech you to come in and rest."
"Thanks," said Magnus, "but I'm really in the middle of something… you see, I'm looking for an English Knight who carries around a dead chicken, and he hits people with this chicken, you see, and then they say 'oif'."
"Oh!" said Sister Zoe, "oh my, what a coincidence, we just happen to have such a fellow at our abbey!"
"You do? Cool! Take me to him!"
"Immediately, good sir."
Magnus followed Zoe into the abbey.
* * *
The phone rang. Ice picked it up. "If this is another stalker…" she warned.
"What if I told you it's the same stalker?"
"That would be instant death."
"Oh come on baby, don't leave me out in the cold. You're the only woman I've ever met who likes knives and killing people as much as I do! We're made for each other!"
"Sorry, I'm taken."
"I don't care! I'll stalk you to the ends of the universe! I'll steal your undergarments and treasure them as sacred relics! I'll build a shrine in your honor and keep a candle lit vigil to your photograph! I'll shoot the president of the United States for you!"
"That's very romantic, but I'm Canadian."
"Whatever! I'll shoot the prime minister! Hell, I'll shoot the queen mother!"
"Hmmm, it might be worth it just to see that."
"I can see you thinking it over, I'm watching you!"
"Ooh, that gives me goose bumps."
"Yeah baby! I'll give ya goose bumps! I'll be your stalker baby! I'll cut away your pain!!!"
"Hmmm…. no."
She hung up.
"Damnit," said the Stalker
"How did you get a phone call in the middle of the woods?" asked Wolf. "From him," said Ice, pointing to the lumberjack dressed in woman's lingerie. Wolf shuddered.
* * *
Nytetrayn, Zaphkiel, and Gelgameth were in the woods again. Zaphkiel had just been chickened on the ass, causing her to say "Fio!", and they were hot on the Knight's trail. Abruptly, however, they found their way blocked by many tall, stocky figures in plate armor with antlers emerging from their helmets.
"Halt!" cried the tallest one, "you shall not pass!"
"Oh no," said Nytetrayn, "not these guys, anything but these guys…"
"Why can't we pass?" asked Gelgameth.
"Because we are… the Knights who say Nih! And we said so!"
"Damnit," said Nytetrayn.
"If we get you a shrubbery, can we pass?" asked Zaphkiel.
"No," said the Knight who says Nih, "we are beyond our shrubbery phase, but we have not yet decided what we want instead. Therefore, you can not pass."
"Screw this," said Nytetrayn, "we're coming through and there's not a damn thing you can do to stop us…"
"NIH! NIH! NIH! NIH!"
"AAAAIIIGH!!!" The adventurers curled up into the fetal position, wailing in agony. The Knight who says Nih laughed.
"You see? You are powerless against us! We are invincible!"
"Wait!" said another Knight who says Nih, "I have it! Let us ask them for sherbet!"
"Sherbet! Sherbet!" chanted the other knights.
"Sherbet?" asked their leader, "are you mad?"
"… Yes."
"Alright then! Insects! Bring us sherbet, or we shall say Nih until your heads explode messily onto the forest floor!"
"This sucks," said Nytetrayn. "Stop whining," said Gelgameth, "we passed a sherbet stand just a few miles ago."
"So that's what a plot contrivance looks like," said Zaphkiel.
"Shut up," said the author, "at least they aren't asking for anal sex."
They shuddered, and set out to fetch the sherbet.
* * *
The phone rang. Zaphkiel picked it up, and then hang it back up immediately afterwards.
"That's not fair!" whined the Stalker.
* * *
Magnus was wandering through the abbey, looking for the English Knight who hits people with a dead chicken and makes them say "Oif." Zoe was showing him various points of interest throughout the castle.
"And here is a tapestry that shows how Sir Chickenwuss wet himself at the battle of Hastings. Over there is a sconce. And that is a box containing the last physical remnants of Saint Paul, a single pubic hair."
"Um… yeah." Magnus put the box back down in a hurry. "This is all very fascinating, but I really just want to find that Knight…"
"Oh yes, the Knight. Well, erm, he is at the top of the highest tower in the abbey, and I am afraid that before you attempt such a hazardous journey you must eat."
"Um… I'm a biologically engineered half Saiya-jin, I think I can handle it…"
"No, no, you need to eat. Now, here is the banquet hall…"
Magnus then ate a hearty lunch, assisted by several smiling, friendly, giggly nuns. However, Zoe disappeared. Magnus was starting to feel a little uncomfortable, but the food was good, so he tucked in.
Afterwards he got up, and despite the nuns' protests, set off to find the tower. However, he was intercepted by a familiar face.
"Alright Zoe," he said, "I'm ready when you are!"
"Zoe? I'm afraid you must be mistaken sir, my name is Lyra, Zoe is my twin sister."
"Oh. Um, alright then. Zoe was going to show me to the top of your tower so I could see the Knight there."
"Knight? Oh no. Bad Zoe! Evil Zoe! She has done it again!"
Magnus blinked. "Um… what are you talking about?"
Lyra heaved a deep sigh. "You see sir, there is no Knight in the tower, but there is a Knight-shaped beacon, and apparently Zoe has used it to deceive you into thinking that there is an English Knight in this abbey who carries about a dead chicken, which he just might use to hit people, making them say 'Oif.'"
Magnus groaned and smacked himself in the forehead. "Great."
"Yes, Zoe has been very naughty. There is only one way to remedy this."
"Um… what's that?"
"Why, we will tie her to the bed, and you must spank her." The other nuns nodded emphatically. Magnus blinked.
"Um… what?"
"Yes! You must spank her good and hard, and then, I feel so very guilty about all this, as do the other sisters, you must spank all of us!"
"Um…"
"Yes! Yes!" cried the nuns, "spank us! Please, you must!"
"Yes," said Lyra, "and then, I think, the oral sex. Yes.."
"Hold it!" Wolf abruptly leapt in between Magnus and the nuns, followed bye Ice Blue X. "Back off, you horny nuns! No one will force my brother to perform oral sex while I'm around!"
"Um, Wolf? I think I can handle this," said Magnus.
"No, there are too many of them," said Ice, "you should be glad we came when we did."
"No, really, I can handle it." Magnus tried to get around them. "I can take 'em…"
"Yes!" cried the nuns, "Yes! Please! Let him take us!"
"No!" cried Wolf, "back off, bitches!"
"Yes! Please! Make us your bitches!"
"Goddamnit Wolf, I don't need your help!"
Ice smacked him upside the head. "Shut up Mags. You alone in an abbey full of horny nuns? We wouldn't see you for a year. We have a quest to go on."
"Screw the quest! I haven't had sex in months!"
"Enough!" cried Wolf, "I shall end this once and for all!"
"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!"
"Behold the light of death!"
Wolf dropped his pants, and a dazzling white light erupted from his genitalia. The nuns screamed in horror as their eyeballs melted out of their sockets.
A moment later the light cleared and there was nothing left but a large crater, in the middle of which were standing Magnus, Ice, and Wolf.
"Does he have to do that in EVERY skit?" asked Ice.
"Yes," said Magnus, "it's in his contract. Now let's hurry up and get this over with, I need my Tifa clones."
* * *
The phone rang. "Yes?" replied Zoe, "who is it?"
"I understand there's a large abbey full of horny nuns around here," said the Stalker.
"Actually the abbey has been destroyed, and most of the nuns are dead. I was spared because I was up in the tower manning the beacon shaped like a Knight who hits people over the head with a dead chicken and makes them say 'oif'."
"The Knight or the beacon?"
"Look, I'm a very horny nun in the middle of the woods and my clothing is decidedly the worse for wear after the abbey was destroyed, now are you going to violate and gut me and hang my entrails from a tree or aren't you?"
"Alright, alright! Get a little muddy and root for berries or something, I'll be there in a hour."
* * *
Magnus, Wolf, and Ice Blue X were walking down interstate 29 when they ran into Nytetrayn, Gelgameth, and Zaphkiel lugging several huge containers of rapidly melting sherbet along the side of the road. "What are you guys doing?" asked Magnus.
"The Knights who say Nih said they would only let us pass if we brought them sherbet," said Gelgameth.
"Sherbet? I thought they asked for a shrubbery?" asked Ice.
"Don't ask," said Zaphkiel, "Mags has been butchering the Monty Python references from the beginning."
"What did I say about that?" asked Magnus, "if you want to be gang banged by antler-wearing morons, keep talking. Now fortunately for you, being a self-insert, I know the weakness of the Knights who say Nih, and I will get us all past them because I'm starting to get bored."
"I dunno," said Wolf, "this is kind of fun."
"It was fun until you killed all my nuns," muttered Magnus bitterly.
They then set out to find the Knights who say Nih, abandoning the sherbet by the wayside. Nytetrayn pointed out that this was an enormous waste, as they had killed a very nice gas station attendant to get it, but none of the others really cared anyway.
"What?" asked the leader of the Knights who say Nih, "you have not brought us back sherbet! You shall suffer greatly for this!"
"I don't think so," said Magnus, "foolish knights, I have the key to your defeat!"
"What the hell are you blabbering about?" asked the leader of the Knights who say Nih.
"This is it!" said Magnus. The knights screamed in agony.
"… what the hell was that?" asked Nytetrayn.
"What are you talking about?" asked Ice Blue X "You didn't do anything."
"No," said Magnus, "that's not it, this is."
The knights screamed again.
"I think Mags is insane," said Zaphkiel. The knights wailed.
"What? What did I do? Is this it?"
The knights ran, caterwauling. Magnus fell over laughing. The others just stood there and blinked.
"Did I miss something?" asked Gelgameth.
* * *
"Hey!" said Ice Blue X, "that stalker didn't call! I wonder why?"
"He's occupied," said Magnus, pointing at the guy in black arranging Zoe's intestines on a tree limb.
They ran.
* * *
The woods were quiet… too quiet. The silence was oppressive, and the heat was starting to get to them. Plus the insects were becoming extremely bold. Wolf had to dance around for a solid minute before the others realized he'd stepped into a nest of bulldog ants.
No, there are no bulldogs ants in North America, but there aren't any Knights who say Nih either, so shut up.
"I getting' nervous," said Gelgameth, "there's somethin' out there man, somethin' followin' us. We're in trouble. Game over man! Game over!"
Magnus slapped him around. "Calm down!" he shouted, "nobody's getting us! We're going to make it out of here alive! Come on, ve move. Fifty meter spread, no sound."
"Why is he talking with an Austrian accent?" asked Ice Blue X.
"I think this is the Predator segment," said Nytetrayn.
All of a sudden something flashed out of the trees and Magnus went down with a gurgling scream, a large hole torn through his chest.
"It got Mags! IT GOT MAGS!" Gelgameth began hurling fireballs wildly into the trees. Nyetrayn pulled out his spiral blaster and joined him. Wolf and Ice Blue X started firing Ki blasts. Zaphkiel shouted encouragement from the sidelines.
After several moments there was nothing left of the foliage in front of them for several dozen yards. They stood there for a long moment, panting.
"Um, guys?" said Magnus, "I'm still alive. Healing factor, you know…"
"I can't see any bodies!" said Wolf. "We hit nothing!"
"Yep," said Nytetrayn, "I was right, Predator."
"No wait," said Ice Blue X, "this is a severely butchered version of the Holy Grail, remember? That was the rabbit."
"Bull," said Nytetrayn, "no rabbit could do that! It's a mean alien headhunter!"
"It's a cute, fluffy bunny with a thirst for blood!"
"OH MY GOD! WOLF! IT GOT WOLF!"
Sure enough, Wolf was nowhere to be seen. Lying on the ground where he'd been standing a second ago were his clothes. Zaphkiel was lying on the ground in a fetal position, screaming.
"OH MY GOD!" screamed Magnus, "WOLF TOOK OFF HIS CLOTHES! HE'S RUNNNG AROUND NAKED!"
"They're scared out of their minds," said Gelgameth.
"Look over there!" said Ice, pointing triumphantly at a small, furry object coming at them at high speed. "I was right! It is the rabbit!"
"Um, Ice?" said Nytetrayn nervously, "that rabbit has antlers."
A long period of silence followed, during which the suspense mounted very quickly.
"JACKALOPE!"
"RUNAWAY!"
They scattered.
* * *
The phone rang. "I'm kind of busy right now," said Ice.
"I can see that," said the Stalker, "for a pair of panties, I can make all your troubles go away."
"You can go one-on-one with a jackelope?"
"I can handle it."
"…why do you want my panties?"
"I'm a stalker, you have to ask?"
"Oh, alright, fine. They'll be under a tree stump next to the river."
"YESSSS!!!" The stalker hung up.
"I despise that man," muttered Ice.
* * *
Now minus one member of their party, the adventurers nonetheless had not lost hope. Predictably, the Knight leapt out of the trees and whacked Nytetrayn upside the head with his dead chicken, making him say "oif." The chase was on.
Ice Blue X was moving a little oddly, and seemed to be adjusting her pants a lot. "Are you alright Ice?" asked Gelgameth.
"Don't ask. Just DON'T ask."
They eventually came across a rope bridge spanning a rather large gorge. Standing in front of it was a hunched over dwarf.
"Stop!" said the dwarf, "those how pass over this bridge must answer three questions, or they shall be thrown into the great gorge of horny kangaroos."
"What IS it with you and kangaroos man?" asked Nytetrayn. "Shut up," said Magnus.
"Alright," said Gelgameth, "I'll bite." He walked up to the dwarf, who looked him over, and then asked him his three questions.
"What… is your name?"
"Gelgameth."
"What… is your quest?"
"To seek the Knight who strikes people over the head with a dead chicken and makes them say 'oif'."
"What… is your favorite color?"
"Black."
"You may pass."
The others blinked as Gelgameth walked over. "Okay," said Zaphkiel, "remember, next he's gonna switch to something hard."
"Don't worry," said Magnus, "I know the air speed of an unladen swallow"
He walked up to the dwarf, who began questioning him.
"What… is your name?"
"Magnus."
"What… is your quest?"
"To seek the Knight who strikes people with a dead chicken, causing them to say 'oif'."
"What… is your favorite color?"
"Thirty miles per… what? AAAIIIIGH!"
Magnus let out a cry of surprise as he was catapulted into the air by an unseen force and hurled bodily into the gorge of horny kangaroos.
"AAAAAHHHH!!! THEY'RE SO BIG!!!!"
"Ew," said Ice.
"Relax," said Nytetrayn, "I've got this."
He walked up to the dwarf.
"What is your name?" asked the dwarf.
"Lord Black 'Nytetrayn' Draco."
"What is your quest?"
TDo seek the Knight who strikes people over the head with a dead chicken and makes them say 'oif'."
"What… is the ground speed of a centipede?"
"What species of centipede?"
"Oh no! I'm not falling for that trick! How should I know what species of… aw hell. AAAAIGH!!!"
The rest of the travelers passed over the bridge with no further problems.
"This is bad," said Gelgameth, "Magnus's self-insert was our only link with the author, now we have no idea what's going on."
"Dude, you just annihilated the fourth wall," said Zaphkiel.
"Did we ever really have one?"
"Hey, look, lunch!" They turned to see a three-headed giant lumbering over, grinning stupidly with all three mouths. "Which one to eat first…"
"I'll handle this," said Nytetrayn, cracking his knuckles.
* * *
The phone rang. Ice Blue X picked it up. "Hello!" she said cheerfully.
The Stalker groaned.
"Have a nice time with Mr. Jackalope?"
"I'll get you for this."
"Hey, you said you could handle it."
"Not that. These panties. They're not thong, and there's no lace, not even a leopard print. What am I supposed to do with boring unstained blue panties?"
"… The fact that they're not stained is a bad thing?"
"I'm a sociopath!"
"Oh right. Well, sorry, but I got nothin' left."
"We'll see… heehehehe… hahahahaha…. BWAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!"
He hung up. Ice blinked. "What the hell?"
* * *
"That was impressive," said Gelgameth.
"Yes," said Ice Blue X, "quite a performance."
"I will never forget it," said Zaphkiel, "never has a black mechadrake begged for his life with such fervency."
"Poor guy," said Gelgameth, "you think it hurt badly when the giant started eating him whole?"
"Probably," said Zaphkiel.
"Hey look guys," said Ice, "another castle."
It was indeed another castle. Abruptly, a short, greasy little man with a pointy beard appeared over the battlements.
"Oh, look! Three exceptionally unattractive excuses for humanity defile my doorstep with their filth! Fie upon you intruders! Begone! Return to the slime pit from whence you came!"
"I knew Mags wouldn't forget about these guys," said Ice.
"Look," said Gelgameth, "we're just looking for a Knight who hits people over the head with a chicken and makes them say 'oif'! Can't you please just tell us where the hell he is!?"
"Who is this Knight? Is he your truant father? Ah ha! Hahahaha! Most unworthy recipients of the scientific classification 'Homo Sapien', I spit upon your pseudopod-like feet! I defecate upon your mother's beard! I unclog my nose in your general direction!"
"This is starting to get on my nerves," said Zaphkiel.
"Worthless dregs of humanity! I bid you good day, lady and sirs! Aha! Do you see how I rearrange the plural and singular, thus calling the man among you a woman, and the women among you men, and insult your very genders? I piss upon your hairy buttocks! I pop my skin blemishes at the ground upon which you tread! I-"
"MAKKANKOSAPPO!"
Ice's ki attack tore the Frenchman's head off his shoulders. She then shattered the doors of the castle with one swift kick. "Shall we?" she asked, gesturing for Zaphkiel and Gelgameth to proceed her.
"That was cool," commented Gelgameth as they entered the castle's courtyard, which appeared to be deserted aside from the body of the French guy. The door of the keep was ominously open, and the passageway beyond was dark.
Naturally they walked right in. At the end of the hallway was a large stone room, rather like a jail cell. They stood there for a few minutes, looking around, but nothing interesting happened.
"Well," said Ice, "another dead end. Let's go back and ask that three- headed giant, maybe he- ACK!"
A black shape in a long cloak leapt out of the dark and stabbed her repeatedly in the back with a large butcher knife. Ice gurgled and fell to the ground. The man in the dark cloak threw a pair of panties on the corpse, and spat on it.
"I want to go home now," said Zapkiel.
"That's for the jackalope chomping on my privates, bitch." The Stalker then turned on Gelgameth and Zaphkiel. "Alright, now that we've almost reached the end, I might as well tell you guys…"
"Let me guess," said Gelgameth, "you're actually the Knight who beats people with a dead chicken and makes them say 'oif'."
The Stalker blinked. "No, actually, that's my brother, George."
The Knight abruptly ran into the room, and gasped in horror. "This time you've gone too far!" he cried, "I've got to stop you once and for all so you never kill again Stanley!"
"STANLEY!?" said Gelgameth and Zaphkiel.
"AAAAARGH!" said the Stalker, "I told you never to mention that name, George! Now you die!" He ran over and stabbed the Knight with his knife. The Knight said "Ow!" He retaliated by beating the Stalker over the head with his dead chicken. The Stalker said "Oif!"
The two brothers chased each other around the room, stabbing and bonking each other in a fit of rage.
"Ow!"
"Oif!"
"Ow!"
"Oif!"
"Ow!"
"Oif!"
"OW!!!"
"OIF!!!"
"I think I'm going to scream," said Gelgameth.
"Quick you two!" shouted the Knight, "run! Once you're outside, I'll use the last of my chicken powers to destroy the castle with me and Stanley in it!"
Zaphkiel blinked. "Your… chicken… powers…?"
"JUST DO IT!" screamed the Knight.
They ran. Just as they got out of the door, a blast of feathers erupted out of the portal, followed by an almighty "CLUCK!"
Then the castle collapsed inwards onto itself, leaving nothing but a large pile of toppled stone.
"Wow," said Gelgameth.
"Yes," replied Wolf, "quite trippy."
"What the hell!?" Zaphkiel whirled around top find Ice Blue X, Nytetrayn, Magnus, and Wolf standing behind them, watching the castle settle.
"It's fairly simple," said Magnus, "Wolf didn't get killed by the jackalope, he left to wash off the ants in a nearby river. I was horribly abused by the horny kangaroos, but I eventually escaped from the gorge. Nytetrayn, naturally, having been swallowed whole, and not being made of anything digestible, was expelled whole. Ice Blue X, of course, possesses a healing factor, and left while you guys were busy watching Stanley and George fight."
"THAT'S what plot contrivance looks like," said Nytetrayn.
"Do you want to be dunked in stomach acid again?" asked Magnus.
"Let's go home," said Zaphkiel, "suddenly, I have an urge to try and take over the world once more."
They left, and played Risk and drank margaritas until the break of dawn, and were never hit by chickens, or said "Oif" ever again.
The End