A/N: I can't deny that my idea for this was inspired by the wonderful fanfiction Harry Potter and the Discworld by JKPratchett. It got me thinking: what would have happened to our old friend HP if Heaven, Hell and our two favourite supernatural agents had been allowed to stick their oars in and throw spanners into the wheels of ineffability? Although this is strictly speaking, a crossover between Good Omens and the Harry Potter series, I have used elements from the Discworld series (how can't you when Terry Pratchett is involved?) as well as my (hopefully recognisable, and sometimes hopelessly oblique) references and elements of other culture. Bonne appetite!

Harrie Potter: Anne alternate hiftory by Agnes Nutter, Witch; dramatised into a more recognisable form of prose by Lucien Iago Morely-Eddington1

Dear Reader,

It may come to your attention that you are reading an entirely unsuitable book. Or, if you prefer, a book that you may like very much; if you enjoy reading the woeful contents it bears upon its pages. But unless your imagination is of an age-appropriate level, then you may wish to know that the story you are about to embark upon is not a sight intended for those under the age of 21*, and thus should not be read in the dark of night. Within the covers of this volume, you will find: A maltreated orphan, a stylish demon, a fussy angel, a highly unpleasant villain, black magic, a draughty castle, unpleasant food and some wholly unsuitable scenes of varying degrees of intimacy, If you do not approve of this then you would be well advise for the last time to replace this volume on the shelf and venture into a more preferred tome (where you shall enjoy exploring uncharted waters, I'll be bound).

Yours, with as much sincerity as warrants the situation,

Lucien Iago Morley-Eddington

*ZDZ: Mr L.I. Morely-Eddington was a rather old-fashioned gent. In our modern times I'd reckon you can read it at 16+

A Literarrey Device to bee used yn plaice of a Prologgy (whitch comes laytur onne)

In the beginning, there was nothing, apparently. And in accordance with the natural rules of Nothingness, having nothing to do, or look at, or amuse one can be incredibly tedious. And lo, the supreme being currently known as the Good Lord, and his diametric opposite currently known as the Dark Lord, on a rainy Tuesday afternoon2, had decided to invent The Game. Far more complex and exciting than cricket and more cerebrally challenging than chess, a universe was created. It rests within a large glass sphere, upon a three-legged glass table. This stands in an octagonal chamber 15 feet wide and ten thousand feet high, walled entirely by mirrors, with two mirrored doors. This Hall of Reflection represents the neutral ground between Heaven and Hell.

The Universe, as viewed from the external dimensions, appears to be simply a blue-white orb floating in a velvet-black nothingness studded with shimmering stars. A similar arrangement rests within the Library of Ankh-Morpork's Unseen University. From within, The Universe appears to be infinite, and is a mightily complex place.

Ever since its accidental conception, the rather backwater planetary body known by most denizens of the Milky Way as Sol 3 and described in the Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy as "Mostly harmless" (otherwise known to its inhabitants as Earth) has been of great interest to the two Supreme beings.

After the Great War (which occurred because the boredom had grown too great), the Game's creation was a welcome break from the bloodshed. Every 5,000 years the Supreme Beings would compare the number of souls they possessed, and, if the being with the largest number of souls felt so inclined, could choose to switch places with the other Supreme Being. Thus, neither one had to be prominently devout or prominently evil for too long a stretch without getting too bored and sparking off another costly war.

To ease tensions in the meantime, if the being currently playing as God felt the need to be a little evil, there would be a shower of rain on the Tunbridge Wells village fete; and if the being playing as the Devil had an irrepressible urge to do a good deed, the Sacred Heart Hospital might receive a large donation from a Ms Lucy Fir.

More recently, a group of shadowy beings from beyond the Universes have settled into both heaven and Hell. These creatures are hell-bent on the destruction of Life, because Life tends to considerably bugger up the paperwork. Especially creative life. Utilising their mastery of deception, their subtle disposition and aggressive bureaucracy these beings have undermined the foundations of all that is Life and are gearing up to push the idol from its pedestal with an almighty crash….

(_)

1 And further updated, edited and footnoted by Zombo de Zany

2 ZDZ: There are a great many clouds in Heaven.