Prank Wars

Chapter 5 / 5

She had an early shift on Wednesday followed by an audition in Hollywood that had her sitting in rush hour traffic for two hours on the way back. She barely made it home on time for Halo Night. After kicking Sheldon's ass in various high graphic and gory ways, including her favourite firebomb, Penny left to go to bed, but she didn't go to sleep. There was far too much prep work to be done for her next prank, and she was far too excited to mess it up by sleeping through her grandiose plan.

At two in the morning Penny creeped into 4A, using her emergency key to get through the front door. She could feel the adrenalin coursing through her body, but she was used to denying physiological responses to excitement, fear, and anticipation. All actresses knew how to use stage fright to their advantage.

She knew to keep to the right because there was a creaky floorboard to the left that would sound her approach and wake him up immediately. She hovered indecisively next to his bed. The original plan had been to just wake him up and terrify him, but now that she was here she could see one bare foot poking out the side of his comforter. His Green Lantern nightlight was perfect for this, casting his entire room in a green glow. Sometimes she didn't even have to try.

Slowly, Penny lowered her face down to the side of his foot. This was slightly gross, but he did shower right before bed, and was so methodical about it his foot was definitely cleaner than hers. Drawing upon her junior rodeo years, Penny went into action, grabbing his leg.

Her blunt teeth pressed into the arch of his foot at the same time Sheldon bolted awake.

"DangAAAAAAH-!"

He took one look at her, his leg raised to her mouth and large plastic teeth bared at him and started screaming.

Like a girl.

"AAAAAAAAAH!" went Sheldon, trying to kick out at her. He was half-turned, clawing at his sheets as he tried to get away, but she held fast to his leg. "Don't eat me!"

Penny growled at him, low in her throat and pounced, her knees landing on either side of his hips. It had been a long time since she had to accurately judge jumping distances on a moving, thrashing, prey, but she hadn't lost the skill. Sheldon certainly had nothing on most livestock, with their ability to do serious damage to her with a single kick.

Still growling low in her throat, she was interrupted by the bedroom light suddenly turning on. Her head swung around quickly, sights narrowing in on Leonard standing in the doorway.

"What's going on guys?" he asked, blearily rubbing his eyes. He wasn't wearing his glasses.

"Flesh eating Morlock! Save yourself, Leonard, it's too late for me!"

"You mean Penny?" Leonard asked in confusion. Ok, so he was blind as a bat, but what did it say about her moisturizing routine if he couldn't tell the difference?

"Penny!" Sheldon yelled, aghast, eyes locking with hers.

"Hi Sheldon," she said with a smile, her voice muffled by the Morlock mask she wore.

Understanding had him narrowing his eyes and twisting his body beneath hers, lithe and quick as he forced her off him. Penny knew she could have dug in her knees and held on for the ride, but she allowed him to throw her off, landing on her feet by the side of the bed.

Oh God, this really hadn't been a good idea, she realized. The laugh was epic, but once again the joke was on her. She wouldn't be able to get the sight of his rumpled hair out of her head or his sensation of his narrow hips on either side of her braced shins.

Sheldon was sitting up in bed, his eyes levelling her with the most ferocious glare he'd ever given her. "Banishment is too good for this level of betrayal," he told her, voice sharp.

"Lighten up, Sheldon," she said breezily, heading out of his bedroom. When she slipped past Leonard, she stuck her face close to his and growled, feeling satisfaction at his small eep.

It wasn't until she got home that she started to laugh outright, huge guffaws that melted the stress right off her bones. Don't eat me! he'd screamed. Priceless.

He was going to kill her, but it was worth it.

x.x.x.x.

It turned out Sheldon was angrier with her than she thought he'd be. When she went to join them for supper on Thursday, the door was locked against her. She almost wrenched her wrist, she was so used to it falling open under her touch on weekday nights.

"Don't bother getting the key," Sheldon called through the door. "I have barricaded against unlawful entry from the inside. You are no longer welcome here, and as soon as the locksmith answers my call, your key will no longer grant you unauthorized access."

"What's that?" Penny answered. "Are you serious?"

"I do not take banishment lightly Penny, and neither should you."

"Sheldon," Penny warned. "You don't want to do this. Isn't there some way I can make it up to you?" Not that she really cared, but sometimes you had to play along with the crazy person.

"You bit me," he said coldly. "The human bite is the most potentially disastrous type of bite wound because the abundant pathogenic oral flora could easily lead to infection. I cleansed the area thoroughly, but only time will tell. Amputation is not something you can take back for a 'do over'."

"I didn't even break skin!" she grumbled. "If I knew I was going to get in this much trouble I would have bit somewhere sexier than your foot."

"I heard that!" he snapped.

Of course he did. He heard everything. Penny gave him the middle finger, sticking her tongue out and waggled it at him through the door. She then turned and swatted her ass.

"Levity is entirely inappropriate and unwarranted for the situation," he told her, voice dripping with distain through the door. "You've degenerated into childish antics. Good day."

How the heck did he know? She wondered and then realized duh, peephole.

When she got back to her apartment she realized that if Sheldon had any say in it, he would never see her again. Of course, he didn't have any say in it whatsoever, but still, it both amused and saddened her that the last image of her he would see would be of her shaking her butt in his face. Neener Neener.

x.x.x.x

The whole situation made Penny furious. When he did something she didn't like, she had confronted him about it and told him exactly why he was a steaming pile of horse excrement. When she did something he didn't like, he banished her so that he'd never have to see her face again. Penny resented that, considering he had to see her face if he was ever going to fall as madly in love with her as she was with him.

The problem with being in love with Sheldon Cooper was when he banished you, it wasn't funny anymore, because while she was confident she could get back on his good side, a little naggling worry asked her what would happen if she didn't. What would happen if the only time she saw him was when they accidentally met in the hallway? He would likely scuttle away from her to avoid circumventing his banishment rules. She'd probably have to tackle him on the stairway and hogtie him just so he'd talk to her, and Penny was pretty sure that wouldn't put her back in his good graces.

There was no way Penny was putting up with being cut out of his life.

So she did what any sane person would do when dealing with Sheldon Cooper: she broke into his apartment while he was at work and hid in the closet.

She picked the closet because it wasn't his bedroom, and probably wouldn't push him that last fraction of an inch over the edge. She also picked it because she had already hid supplies in it, and considering the season was too warm for a jacket and there had been no forecast of rain for the week, neither Sheldon nor Leonard had a reason to even open the door.

Added bonus, there was a chance she could sneak up behind Sheldon while he was sitting in his spot and scare him.

Yeah, it probably wasn't the smartest of moves, but she was feeling a little vengeful. They had been doing so well with this little prank war that she had almost forgotten that he tended to act irrationally when someone did something against him. In fact, he had let so much go over the past week that she had started to feel special.

Penny was sitting in the closet wishing she had thought of ventilation when Sheldon came home. She knew it was him because his tread was softer than Leonard's, less draggy. Again, she realized the wrench in her plan as she sat there, listening to him bang around in the kitchen: she didn't have an actual plan.

Really, Penny thought, she should think things through better. Should she reveal herself now? Should she wait numerous hours, sit through Chinese and vintage video games and then sneak in his room again? Whenever she did it, she wanted it to be while it was just her and Sheldon, which didn't leave too many opportunities. For a man who proclaimed he didn't need people in his life, he sure liked to surround himself with company.

He was still banging away in the kitchen, which didn't seem right for Chinese night. Penny pressed her ear against the door, careful not to disturb any of the closet contents. It sounded more like he was working around the entrance to 4A.

Geez, he was changing the lock himself? Maybe adding another deadbolt? The idea had her stomach turning over in terror of losing everything and suddenly she couldn't go out there to confront him for fear of making it all worse.

Eventually the noises settled down and her pocket let out a small buzz, cell phone vibrate on the lowest setting. Penny's eyes judged whether he'd be able to see the glow of the display beneath the door crack. She also wondered if he'd be able to hear her. Sheldon might not really be a Vulcan or a superhero, but he sure did have scary accurate senses sometimes.

I would like to negotiate the parameters of your banishment. Limited time offer, come over before Leonard gets home.

Yes! Penny thought, he was reconsidering. Then she realized Sheldon rarely if ever reconsidered things, and he certainly never made her come to him when he did so.

What was he up to?

His creepy hyperventilating laugh came from the living room.

Oh, he was definitely up to something.

Penny slipped out of the closet, the sound of the door opening covered by the sound of him banging on something else from the vicinity of the kitchen. Penny frowned, unable to see him. Why was he hiding behind the kitchen island, she wondered.

Slowly and carefully, Penny edged her way around the living room furniture, pausing with wide-eyes as she saw an overly complicated series of mechanisms placed around the front door with a huge tub dangling above it. Everything around the door had either been moved or was covered in a sheet of plastic.

This was definitely a trap. The idea heartened her a little.

Finishing the distance between them, glad she was only wearing socks so that her steps were muted, Penny rounded the island to find him crouched, his limbs all awkward angles so he looked like a starfish or something.

"Sheldon!" she barked.

He jumped away from her, feet scrambling for purchase against his clean and buffed kitchen floor. He couldn't quite stop his momentum and ended up on his ass on the wood.

"You know, if your kitchen floor was gritty like mine, you probably wouldn't have fallen," she said smugly, but reached over to lend him a hand anyway.

He resisted her offer and climbed to his feet with the aid of the kitchen counter. His eyes swivelled to the door. "How are you in here, Penny?" he asked, and then his eyes fell upon the opened closet and his gaze darkened. "You breached the apartment without permission. Banishment, nay, exile is a severe form of punishment where the guilty is forcefully expunged from the area and is explicitly refused re-entrance."

"Yeah huh," Penny responded with a shrug. "And it was usually a punishment of homicide. I know how to use Wikipedia too. It's not like I killed anyone."

"You killed my trust."

Penny made a noise of exasperation and threw up her hands. "Listen here you egotist, we're in the middle of a war and though we had a contract, you breached the contract first when you put my life in danger. That made the contract null and void, and so your bedroom was open season." She watched his face become gradually angrier the more she spoke. "Besides, you gave me permission to re-enter. The text, remember? I thought you had an eidetic memory."

Sheldon blustered and then started to rant in his high-pitched righteous tone about rules and contracts, banishment and betrayal.

Penny opened her mouth and started yelling over him, so loudly her words cancelled out what he was saying so they were basically making white noise. "Sheldon, I don't want to fight with you! This started out to be kind of fun, and don't deny it, you liked it too, but it isn't fun anymore. I don't want to be banished from this apartment. I love you, you idiot, but sometimes I can't stand you." By the end of this both of them were facing each other in front of the hallway to the back rooms and screaming so loudly that it could probably heard all the way downstairs. She grabbed the front of his shirt and was screaming into his face, but he was still ranting about something or other, gesturing wildly towards his bedroom. "Shut up. Shut up. SHUT UP!"

Then she pulled him that last inch and kissed him solidly, her mouth sharp against his. Their teeth clanked together, but she pressed harder to make sure he couldn't form any more hateful or hurtful words.

"MFFT. MRRRGGT!" he exclaimed angrily against her mouth and his hand curled around her shoulder to push her away, and instead he was suddenly adjusting the kiss, pulling away mere increments so that it became softer, gentler. She was able to slowly rub her bottom lip against his, shivering at the sensation of sparks shooting through her body, from her toes to the follicles of hair on her head.

Neither noticed the sound of heavy scraping shoe treads outside of the apartment, nor the sound of Leonard fiddling with the door knob only to find it unlocked.

They did, however, notice four litres of green goo pour on a very startled Leonard's head. The event was punctuated by Sheldon's iPod turning on, a soundtrack of maniacal laughter filling the room. Penny and Sheldon broke apart quickly, startled, guiltily, to watch slime cascade over Leonard's head as he stared at them with bug eyes. Noxious green liquid dripped onto his shoulders and all over his upper chest. He tried to open his mouth, but the slime drizzled in, causing him to make weird gasping guppy sounds.

"Oh my God!" Penny exclaimed, and then she started laughing, giggling so hard she reached out to steady herself, only the only thing close enough to her was Sheldon and he certainly wasn't any help considering he was doubled over in real genuine laughter himself. Penny slid to the floor, her fingers still clutched in his shirt.

Sheldon couldn't do anything but follow her down, but he didn't seem bothered by it. His eyes were crinkled in mirth and he was hiccupping as he tried to gather enough air to breathe.

Leonard made a sound of furious distress.

"Oh my God!" Penny said again, sliding her feet out from under her. Sheldon settled against her shoulder, clutching at his waist with one hand and the other balled into a fist at her sleeve. He didn't even seem aware of how close he was. "Too funny!"

"Leonard..." Sheldon started, but was unable to finish the thought without snorting and falling into another volley of snickers. Finally, his face straightened enough so he was able to try again. "Leonard..." he tried, but couldn't get past the first word without wheezing.

Penny thought this was one of the most hilarious, and frankly endearing, things he'd ever done. "Sheldon, his face!" she crowed.

Raj and Howard appeared behind Leonard, both taking a step backwards in revulsion at the sight of the green slime coating him.

"Are we role playing Dungeons and Dragons ooze monsters?" Howard asked with a snicker. "I claim slithering tracker because that shit is just cool."

"No man. It is obvious what this is. Leonard is Commander Vince Elliot of Space Station Gamma 3 and he just gave Green Slime a hug." At the look Howard gave him, Raj shrugged. "It was on cable."

"I'll take your obscure reference to 60s cinema and raise you the Creature from the Black Lagoon. It made the same kind of angry sounds Leonard is making right now."

Sheldon thought this was hilarious if his gasp was any indication. Penny could feel the vibrations of his amusement through her arm, and couldn't help but snicker along with him, even though she hadn't understood a word of that. What she did understand was the feeling of Sheldon's forearm sliding across her back, not quite touching but an ever real presence just on the other side of her shirt. He braced his arm against the floor so he could turn to watch his friends, still leaning slightly against her.

"Blug bluuuur?" Leonard questioned, stomping his foot and gesturing to Raj and Howard behind him.

Sheldon giggled again. "The quality of this entertainment is superior to you being the one slimed," he said, close to her ear.

"Truce?" she gasped out. She wasn't sure if she couldn't breathe out of amusement or his nearness. Everything was shifting around her in a kaleidoscope of colors and mirth, nothing quite solidifying in her mind so long as Sheldon's shoulder was pressed against hers and his words were softly spoken for her benefit alone. She couldn't help but hold her breath, anticipating the next thing he said because it would shape everything to come.

Sheldon rarely granted quarter to anyone, at least without his mother's word of law. If he did this time, it was because he wanted to.

Sheldon's pause drew out. "Truce," he finally agreed.

"Epic win!" Raj's voice came from the hallway, looking between Leonard and Howard. "You both owe me fifty bucks. I told you this would end happily!"

x.x.x.x.

Fin.

x.x.x.x.

AN: I am working on a sequel as we speak and I hope to start posting it next week. If not, Happy Holidays! I was only going to write a short epilogue to this, but my muse had other ideas (thanks a lot muse). Penny convinces Sheldon that they should wage a prank war against their friends/enemies. Luckily for me, the effervescent Talitha Koum stepped in as Creative Consultant and helped me figure out the pranks I couldn't quite get right in my mind. Thanks to her, the sequel is almost completed and I don't have to dither over exactly what will happen to Wil Wheaton, but just a word to the wise, do not ever start a prank war with her! She be scary.