So, here it is:
AFTER THE ACCIDENT
Harry lies, injuries all over, on the hospital bed, eyes closed, a blank expression on his face. Snape kneels by the bed, eyes never roving from his face.
Snape: *wails* Don't leave me, Harry. My life will cease to exist without you. You're my last hope of getting enough brownie points to go to heaven! Come back! *weeps*
*Somewhere between Earth and the Veil/Heaven/Paradise*
Harry: Mum? Dad?
Lily: We must keep this short.
Harry: Can I stay with you?
James: Son, we love you, but we don't feel you've suffered enough yet.
James and Lily: Bye, sweetums! We're always with you!
Harry: NOOOOOO-!
*Back in the Hospital Wing*
Harry: *blinks* Daddy?
Snape: Harry!
*Hugs and tears all around*
Madam Pomfrey: *Sniffle*
IN WHICH ALBUS IS EVIL AND MCGONAGALL IS IGNORANT
Snape: *Drags Harry in* Headmaster, I've come to inform you-
Albus: Lemon drop?
Snape: Potter is-
Albus: LEMON DROP?
Snape: No.
Albus: Alright. What were you saying?
Snape: I have come to inform you that I have found evidence that Potter is *wait for it* abused!
McGonagall: *gasp*
Albus: *looks solemn and old, just like normal* This is a serious accusation, my boy.
McGonagall: *gasp!*
Snape: He has belt marks all over his back, and he's severely malnourished and underfed.
McGonagall: *GASP GASP GASP!*
Snape: Shut it.
McGonagall: Well, I never-!
Albus:*mournful* That's very sad and all, but despite the fact that they could kill him, if what you say is true, it doesn't matter, as long as the blood wards hold.
Snape: I am now going to use the most cliched-up sentence in existence: The blood wards cannot protect him from his own family, old man!
Albus: Surely it can't be that bad! All families have their problems, my boy.
Snape: DON"T CALL ME YOUR BOY, FOOL. And, as another cliche sentence, you turn an all too ready blind eye to abuse, Albus! You refuse to acknowledge that not all people love children and want to give them unicorns!
McGonagall: *shudders* The horror!
Albus: He must stay there! My word is law! I am your master! Do what I say, or prepare to feel my wrath! *stands up* my back! *goes down on the floor writhing*
Snape: *stares
McGonagall: *stares
Harry: *stares
Snape: Errr... all righty then! Come with me, little abused child, and you can live happily ever after in my chambers!
Harry: YAY!
McGonagall: YAY!
IN WHICH HARRY GOES THROUGH CHANGES(NOT THOSE KIND, IDIOT! THE SEVERITUS KIND!)
Harry: Om my good golly! My hair is now long, smooth, and somewhat tidy! My face is more angular! My eyebrows now "arch"! I must be the secret child of... JUSTIN BIEBER! *Runs downstairs*
Petunia: OMG! It's Justin Bieber! Can I have your autograph?
Harry: Of course.
Mr. Dursley: *scowls* Bieber's a pansy.
Petunia: SILENCE! You do not insult the great Justin Bieber in my presence, fool!
Mr. Dursley: *cowers*
IN WHICH HARRY IS AMBUSHED
*Deserted Corridor*
Slytherin Gang leader: Get 'em!
Slytherin Gang: *ambushes*
Harry: HELP!
Slytherin Gang leader: No use, kid. No-one'll hear you. We put a silencing charm up.
Harry: Why are you doing this to me?
Slytherin Gang leader: *sneers* Because you dared to insult the name of the great Dumbledore!
Harry: ...?
Slytherin Gang leader: Prepare to die.
Harry: Okay! *pulls out piece of parchment and quill and starts writing*
Slytherin Gang leader: What are you doing?
Harry: Writing my will! *To Hedwig, I leave all my possessions. To Hagrid, I leave Hedwig. To Dumbledore I leave... nothing! Bwahaha!* Done!
*Slytherin Gang beats him up*
*Afterward*
Harry: Oh, woe is me! No-one will believe me if I tell them what happened, despite the large and obvious bruises on my face! I can't tell ANYONE! *walks off*
THE PATERNITY TEST
Snape: For this, I need a pint of your blood.
Harry: What?
Snape: Hehe, my mistake. A drop, I meant. *hands over knife*
Harry: *stares at knife for a depressed emo second and cuts his own neck, collapsing to the floor in a pool of his own blood*
Snape: *takes knife, and flicks some blood in. Pricks his own finger, and adds it in*
*Potion turns golden*
Snape: Oh. Turns out he was my son. Oh well. NO-ONE SHALL EVER KNOW! BWAHAHAHAHA! *takes body and tosses it in lake*
Snape: What a shame. Such a waste...
THE MEETING OF BLACK AND EMERALD
*Their eyes meet*
Snape: *gasp* he has his mother's eyes! Maybe he isn't a carbon copy of his father! Maybe, just maybe, he could be MY son, for me to love and hug and cuddle and release all my withheld affection into.
Harry: Why is that creepy man staring at me like that...?
Snape: Come here, son!
Harry: Get away from me, creeper! *runs away*
Snape: NOOO! I lost my only son! The only light in my miserable existence! NOOO! *dies from sadness and grief*
YES! More than a thousand words! Because of all my hard-work, you know must review!
IMPERIO!
Doctor Pepper