A/N: Inspired by Hamlet Facebook News Feed Edition. Also posted on LJ under the same username!
Standard disclaimers apply.
Chapter One
Vernon Dursley prefers normalcy.
(Petunia Dursley likes this.)
Vernon Dursley asks this question to fellow Facebookers: should cats be reading newspapers? This is a serious question. I think I know, but I could be completely wrong.
Petunia Dursley: No, they shouldn't be, dear.
Vernon Dursley: It must've been a trick of the light. Thanks, honey :)
Albus Percival Wulfric Brian Dumbledore: Yes, this is completely normal, do not fret.
Vernon Dursley: Who in the hell are you, Dumblebus?
Albus Percival Wulfric Brian Dumbledore: My name is clearly written out in an easy-to-read font. Even if you were at a COMPLETE loss, you could have quite easily copied and pasted.
Dudley Dursley: slfkjalsfjsWERLSDJ0329
Petunia Dursley: Oh dear, Dudley got a hold of the keyboard again.
Vernon Dursley is on his lunch break – FINALLY! Come on, everyone, are we working hard or hardly working?
5 people are fans of Egging Vernon Dursley's Home.
Vernon Dursley wrote on Petunia Dursley's wall: What the hell was the name of your sister's kid? Don't panic. This isn't actually as urgent as I made it seem. But try to get back to me ASAP.
Dudley Dursley WON'T!
Dudley Dursley wrote on Petunia Dursley's wall: WON'T!
Dudley Dursley wrote on Vernon Dursley's wall: WON'T!
Petunia Dursley wrote on Vernon Dursley's wall: Maybe you shouldn't get so friendly with all those exclamation points and question marks, then (just for future reference). And it's Harry.
(Albus Percival Wulfric Brian Dumbledore likes this.)
Vernon Dursley wrote on Albus Percival Wulfric Brian Dumbledore's wall: WTF?
Vernon Dursley is proud. And a little confused as to why his son has a Facebook to begin with. But still proud. And PISSED at this Arnold what's-his-face.
Albus Percival Wulfric Brian Dumbledore is now on Privet Drive! (sent from mobile)
Minerva McGonagall RIP Lily and James Potter. (sent from mobile)
(Albus Percival Wulfric Brian Dumbledore and 6,943,234 others like this.)
Rubeus Hagrid is now on Privet Drive! With Harry! (sent from mobile)
Rubeus Hagrid became a fan of motorcycles.
Harry Potter has joined Facebook.
Albus Percival Wulfric Brian Dumbledore wrote on Harry Potter's wall: Good luck.
Albus Percival Wulfric Brian Dumbledore sent Vernon Dursley and Petunia Dursley a baby and a letter.
Chapter Two
~*10 years later*~
Dudley Dursley IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. Y'ALL BETTER GET ME SOMETHING GOOD.
(Petunia Dursley, Vernon Dursley, Marge Dursley like this.)
Petunia Dursley wrote on Dudley Dursley's wall: HAPPY BIRTHDAY, DUDLEYKINS! MUMMY LOVES YOU SO MUCH XOXOXOX.
Vernon Dursley wrote on Dudley Dursley's wall: Happy Birthday, Dudley! I'm so proud that you're my son!
Harry Potter wonders what he did in a past life to deserve such horrible treatment. And he's considering the possibility of emancipation.
Dudley Dursley joined the group Sons with fat bastard fathers who only give them thirty-six presents for their eleventh birthdays.
Arabella Figg has a broken leg :(
Petunia Dursley: DISLIKE. IMMENSELY.
Vernon Dursley: I second my wife's notion.
Dudley Dursley: HOW DARE YOU – YOU RUINED EVERYTHING.
Harry Potter: No offense, but I'm rather glad you've provided the opportunity for me to leave this hellhole of a house.
Harry Potter: Oh, and I won't have to look at Tibbles, Snow, Mr. Paws, and Tufty again. Another plus.
Piers Polkiss has arrived at Dudley's house! (sent from mobile)
(Dudley Dursley likes this.)
Dudley Dursley IS GOING TO THE ZOO WITH Piers Polkiss.
(Piers Polkiss likes this.)
Harry Potter: And don't forget me, Dudleykins.
Dudley Dursley: SHUT UP, POTTER. YOU DON'T EXIST. I'M IGNORING YOU, LALALALALA…
Harry Potter: …
Harry Potter dreamed about a flying motorcycle last night – any interpretations? (sent from mobile)
(Albus Percival Wulfric Brian Dumbledore and Rubeus Hagrid like this.)
Harry Potter: Er…okay? Not familiar with you people…
Vernon Dursley: MOTORCYCLES DON'T FLY.
Dudley Dursley: LOL.
Harry Potter: I know they don't, it was just a dream. If you had read my status properly, you would've recognized that.
Harry Potter is actually enjoying himself? What a completely new and foreign concept. (sent from mobile)
Harry Potter added "talking to snakes" to interests.
Dudley Dursley WAS ATTACKED BY A GIANT SNAKE.
Harry Potter: You were not.
Piers Polkiss: You were talking to it! Probably told it to kill us!
Harry Potter:No…
Vernon Dursley wrote on Harry Potter's wall: CUPBOARD – RIGHT NOW. NO MEALS.
Vernon Dursley wrote on Petunia Dursley's wall: GET ME A BRANDY.
Petunia Dursley: Yes, dear, of course.
Harry Potter of course my life can't be happy for more than five minutes. No meals? Some would constitute this as child abuse…
Chapter Three
Harry Potter should be happier that it's now the summer holidays, but this means he has to put up with being chased on a daily basis.
Dudley Dursley HARRY HUNTING FTW!
(Piers Polkiss and 3 others like this.)
Harry Potter: Oh, boy…
Dudley Dursley is getting his Smeltings uniform! (sent from mobile)
(Vernon Dursley and Petunia Dursley like this.)
Vernon Dursley: Just like his father!
Harry Potter is at Arabella Figg's, and doesn't feel like withering away, a first. (sent from mobile)
(Arabella Figg likes this.)
Dudley Dursley became a fan of sticks.
Harry Potter: More like pimp canes…
Dudley Dursley: I'M GOING TO HIT YOU.
Harry Potter wonders how wearing bits of old elephant skin will make him look like "everybody else."
Petunia Dursley: BE GRATEFUL WE GIVE CLOTHES FOR YOU TO WEAR, YOU BRAT.
Vernon Dursley: Hear, hear!
Vernon Dursley wrote on Dudley Dursley's wall: Dudley, get the mail.
Dudley Dursley wrote on Vernon Dursley's wall: Make Harry get it!
Vernon Dursley wrote on Harry Potter's wall: Harry, get the mail.
Harry Potter wrote on Vernon Dursley's wall: Make Dudley get it.
Vernon Dursley wrote on Dudley Dursley's wall: Hit Harry with your Smelting stick.
Dudley Dursley poked Harry Potter.
Harry Potter is in shock: he has received a letter for the first time in his life!
Dudley Dursley DOES NOT LIKE BEING IGNORED.
Harry Potter doesn't like when people take his private property – isn't it illegal to read someone else's mail?
Vernon Dursley sent Harry Potter a new room.
Dudley Dursley created the group If this group gets to 1,000,000 members, Harry Potter will move back into the cupboard.
Harry Potter joined the group If this group gets to 1,000,000 members, Harry Potter will move back into the cupboard.
Harry Potter wrote onIf this group gets to 1,000,000 members, Harry Potter will move back into the cupboard's wall: First of all, I'd rather live in the cupboard at this rate. This whole "new room" thing is probably a clever ploy to satiate me until the one night when the three of you perform a group-murder. Also, you have no power whatsoever to ensure that when this group reaches 1,000,000 members, I will be forced back into the cupboard. ANYONE WHO JOINED THIS GROUP IS A FOOL!
Harry Potter left the group If this group gets to 1,000,000 members, Harry Potter will move back into the cupboard.
Dudley Dursley wrote on Vernon Dursley'swall: Fuck you, Dad. Fuck you. You ruined my life.
Dudley Dursley poked Vernon Dursley and Petunia Dursley.
5 more similar stories
Vernon Dursley wrote on Petunia Dursley's wall: Did you see what your son just wrote to me?
Petunia Dursley wrote on Dudley Dursley's wall: Please calm down, Diddykins. We'll get you a WHOLE, BIG house soon! Everything will be better after we perform the group-murder – I mean…after Harry goes away for a while…
(Vernon Dursley likes this.)
Harry Potter: ARE YOU BLOODY KIDDING ME! THIS IS CHILD ABUSE.
Vernon Dursley: It's not child abuse. We haven't done anything…yet.
Harry Potter: Oh…so we're just ignoring the first ten years of my life where you starved me, verbally abused me, allowed Dudley to beat me, and threw me in a claustrophobic, spider-infested CUPBOARD? For all intents and purposes, you ABUSED a CHILD.
Dudley Dursley: Shut up, bitch.
Dudley Dusely added "projectile vomiting to get what he wants" to their interests.
Dudley Dursley removed "playing with my pet tortoise" from his interests.
Vernon Dursley wrote on Petunia Dursley's wall: Honey, Dudley just hit me with his Smelting stick and threw his pet tortoise through the greenhouse roof.
(Dudley Dursley likes this.)
Petunia Dursley: Yes, I realized that, dear. He projectile vomited on my new blouse.
Dudley Dursley: Don't give my room to the new kid then, punk-ass bitches!
Harry Potter: Seriously? I'm still the "new kid?" Are you fucking retarded, Dudley? I've been a resident at 4 Privet Drive for the past TEN YEARS, you motherfucking ANIMAL. Seriously, get your shit together.
Dudley Dursley poked Harry Potter.
Harry Potter wrote on Dudley Dursley's wall: POKE ME ONE MORE TIME, YOU INSUFFERABLE LITTLE MONSTER.
Dudley Dursley poked Harry Potter.
Dudley Dursley wrote on Harry Potter's wall: What ya gonna do now, Potty-head?
Harry Potter You just called your mother and father "punk-ass bitches," yet the only thing you could manage to think of to call me is "potty-head?" Yeah. I've never heard that one before, Dudley.
Dudley Dursley poked Harry Potter.
Harry Potter poked Dudley Dursley.
Harry Potter wrote on Dudley Dursley's wall: How do you like it now, bitch?
Dudley Dursley wrote on Petunia Dursley's wall: MUUUUUUUUUUM! The skinny kid who used to live in the cupboard is poking me!
(Harry Potter likes this.)
Petunia Dursley sent Dudley Dursley a cupcake.
(Vernon Dursley likes this.)
Harry Potter's life isn't real. Nobody would fucking believe this shit.
(Vernon Dursley, Petunia Dursley, and 5 others like this.)
Dudley Dursley: I said: shut up, bitch.
Vernon Dursley and Petunia Dursley removed "Smelting Stick" from their interests.
Harry Potter:Why were you two ever fans of "Smelting Stick"?
Vernon Dursley:Shut up, bitch.
Harry Potter is going to sleep. I've got a very early day tomorrow. Nothing for the Dursleys to concern themselves with.
Vernon Dursley: What are you up to, boy?
Petunia Dursley: This better not have anything to do with the mail.
Vernon Dursley: Good call, dear. Are you thinking what I'm thinking?
Petunia Dursley: I'll go get the sleeping bag.
Harry Potter FOILED AGAIN. He realizes he should've checked his status one more time this morning. A thirty-minute screaming fest from fat, old Vernon isn't the way he'd like to start his day.
(Petunia Dursley likes this.)
Harry Potter: If anyone is interested for further commentary on how much my life sucks, they can visit "Lost, Lonely Boy: The inner musings of an orphan" – my blog page.
Harry Potter added "blogging" to their interests.
Harry Potter and Neville Longbottom are now friends.
Neville Longbottom wrote on Harry Potter's wall: I've been reading your blogs in my spare time and I just want to offer my condolences and support on your miserable life. I too am an orphan of sorts, forced to live with my grandmother. Maybe one day we will be friends.
Harry Potter wrote on Neville Longbottom's wall: Hey there! Thanks for the support, man. My condolences as well, of course. Hope we can be friends.
Neville Longbottom wrote on I Heart The Boy Who Lived's wall: Listen guys, I gotta leave this group. Harry and I recently became Facebook friends and I don't want to…you know, scare him off. Bye.
Neville Longbottom left the group I Heart The Boy Who Lived.
Vernon Dursley has never wanted to go to work so much in his entire life. But staying home is a necessity. Gotta burn these letters, right?
Harry Potter: If there was a "dislike" option…I would use it. Frequently. Please go to work.
Vernon Dursley removed "the postal service" and "the dairy" from their interests.
Vernon Dursley became a fan of Sundays.
Vernon Dursley wrote on Petunia Dursley's wall: We're leaving! NOW! NO ARGUMENTS!
Petunia Dursley Note to all book club members: I am going away on a little trip…not sure why.
Petunia Dursley wrote on Women with verbally abusive, fat husbands wall: Hey ladies, how are you all doing? The fat mess is screaming that we have to go on a trip…as you all know, I love that fattie to death despite his terrible, appalling behavior. So I'll talk to you all next…whenever he decides to bring me home. Bye!
Dudley Dursley poked Vernon Dursley.
Vernon Dursley wrote on Dudley Dursley's wall: I am NOT in the mood for this, son. I am pulling tufts of hair out of my OWN mustache. Now get to packing or I'll be pulling your hair out in a minute!
Dudley Dursley is sick of this shit. Since when is a kid denied TWO rooms and forced to go on a lame-ass vacation to some shitty destination. Fuck this shit, I'm filing for emancipation.
Petunia Dursley Diddykins, where did you learn a fancy word like that? LOVE YOU! xoxoxox
Dudley Dursley wrote on Sons with fat bastard fathers who only give them thirty-six presents for their eleventh birthdays's wall: Hey, all. The fat bastard is taking us on a little "trip." Not sure where, but all I know is that it's all the little bitch's fault aka Harry Potty-head. Fuck, life sucks when you have to share a house with three other people, am I right or am I right, guys? See you…soon?
Dudley Dursley wrote on Harry Potter's wall: Who on earth wants to talk to you this badly? THIS IS ALL YOUR FAULT.
Harry Potter IF I KNEW THAT, WE WOULDN'T BE GOING ON A TRIP. YOUR FAT BASTARD OF A FATHER COULD JUST GIVE ME MY MAIL, AND YOU COULD KEEP YOUR TWO ROOMS, YOU LAZY PIECE OF SHIT.
Harry Potter removed "the postal service" from his interests.
Harry Potter I've always had a great, fond respect for the men and women of the postal department. But seriously guys, what the FUCK is going on here? You're sending thousands upon thousands of letters to my fucking house and my fucking fat bastard uncle is getting SERIOUSLY PEEVED. YOU AREN'T HELPING MATTERS. (Sorry if this aggression is directed towards the innocent, but I am getting really frustrated here. Wish I could write in my blog but Vernon's making us pack up and leave).
Vernon Dursley: The fact that we both removed "the postal service" from our interests makes me want to add it to my interests again. Having anything in common with you makes me sick to my stomach.
Harry Potter: And by "stomach," you mean the over-sized receptacle you use to store a VILE, INHUMAN amount of food that could comfortably feed a family of four for a week?
Vernon Dursley: Fuck you.
Dudley Dursley removed "Vernon Dursley" from their interests.
Dudley Dursley My father, Vernon Dursley, used to be the light of my life. The one that I looked up to – he would scream in Harry's face until the little bastard cried. But now…now he's just a shell of the man he used to be. Seriously, he's taken three sharp left turns in a row now, WHERE THE FUCK ARE YOU GOING, YOU MOTHERFUCKING DUMBASS? I'M SO FUCKING HUNGRY THAT I'M HOWLING. (sent from mobile)
Dudley Dursley wrote on Kids who live for TV and blowing up aliens on their computers's wall: I HAVE MISSED FIVE TELEVISION PROGRAMS. I HAVE NEVER GONE THIS LONG WITHOUT BLOWING UP AN ALIEN ON MY COMPUTER. SHIT FUCK SHIT I HATE MY FUCKING DAD! (Almost as much as I hate Harry Potty-head, the outdoors, and doing anything that doesn't involve eating).
Harry Potter can't believe he's sharing a room with Dudley. (sent from mobile)
Dudley Dursley: YOU can't believe it? I went from having 2 rooms, to having 1 room, to having no rooms, to SHARING A FUCKING ROOM WITH YOU. THIS BLOWS. I HAVE FALLEN HARDER AND LONGER THAN YOU HAVE. I HAVE GONE FROM EVERYTHING TO NOTHING. YOU'VE JUST GONE FROM NOTHING TO NOTHING.
Harry Potter: You wrote this comment literally five minutes ago and yet you're now snoring up a storm in your bed three feet away from me. My life is epic.
Vernon Dursley became a fan of stale cornflakes and cold tinned tomatoes on toast.
Dudley Dursley wrote on Vernon Dursley's wall: WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS SHIT? YOU A FAN OF THIS SHIT? Dad, you've seriously lost your fucking mind. This food is poison. You are feeding me poison. This is child abuse. CHILD ABUSE.
Harry Potter: You're kidding me, right? This is an elaborate joke. Poison? This is the best meal I've had my entire life. This is a meal fit for a king, and I am king of Gloomy Hotel Island.
Dudley Dursley:Then eat all the tomato toast shit YOU WANT, because I am FASTING.
Harry Potter:That's going to last about five minutes…I better eat quickly.
Dudley Dursley WHERE'S ALL THE FOOD – IF HE WASN'T SO SKINNY I WOULD FUCKING STAB THIS SKINNY BITCH IN THE HEART AND EAT HIM MYSELF! (sent from mobile)
Dudley Dursley added "cannibalism" to their interests.
Dudley Dursley became a fan of stale cornflakes and cold tinned tomatoes on toast.
Harry Potter:And I am starving again. YOU ARE FUCKING PSYCHOTIC. And I was wrong…4 minutes.
Harry Potter and Neville Longbottom joined the group Orphaned at One.
Harry Potter wrote on Orphaned at One's wall: If anyone is interested, I'm really getting the hang of my blog, "Lost, Lonely Boy: the inner musings of an orphan." I'm making some real break-throughs here.
Dudley Dursley well, we're off again. New location, new insane ramblings from Daddy. Fuck this shit. I was not BUILT for this shit. I am fat and lazy. What the fuck? (sent from mobile)
Harry Potter: You got that right, bitch.
Dudley Dursley wrote on Petunia Dursley's wall: Daddy's gone mad, hasn't he?
Petunia Dursley:Don't you worry your pretty little head, Diddykins.
Dudley Dursley: If we weren't standing in a deserted FIELD, I wouldn't have to worry my pretty little head, WOULD I, MUM? God, you're so STUPID.
Petunia Dursley: xoxoxox.
Dudley Dursley joined the group Boys with mums who can't see their fat bastard husbands' insanity.
Dudley Dursley wrote on Boys with mums who can't see their fat bastard husbands' insanity: Seriously, I need support here, guys. My mum is completely blind to the fact that her husband is MENTALLY UNSTABLE. FUCK MY LIFE.
Harry Potter wrote on Dudley Dursley's wall: Do you understand how unintelligent you sound? I lived ten years of my life in a cupboard, and I am being denied the one thing that provides me with a glimmer of hope – which will probably end up being some sort of junk mail, like a magazine subscription.
Dudley Dursley: HAHA, thanks Potty-head. I'm lmao right now. I almost WANT you to get the mail just to see your stupid face light up and then fade into misery when you realize you were chasing after an offer to purchase Viagra or some shit like that. ROTFL! ^_^
Harry Potter Literally just realized it's my birthday tomorrow. Yay? (sent from mobile)
Vernon Dursley: DON'T EXPECT THE CALIBER OF GIFTS YOU RECEIVED LAST YEAR. DON'T EXPECT ANYTHING AT ALL, YOU GOT IT?
Harry Potter: Oh my goodness…what? You aren't getting me a coat hanger and ONE pair of your old socks this year? How will I ever survive? I didn't have a CLOSET to place coat hanger's ON until two weeks ago, and oh boy, will I miss my feet SWIMMING in your huge, sweat-stained socks. Shithead.
Vernon Dursley: Glad we're on the same page.
Harry Potter: If we're on the same page, then you must be thinking about how hard you want to punch yourself in the face, right? Fuck you.
Petunia Dursley: Shut your mouth, boy!
Vernon Dursley: Petunia, get out of here. Go worry your little, female head about something else. Like making us (me and Dudley) dinner.
Petunia Dursley wrote on Women with verbally abusive, fat husbands's wall: Hi ladies…checking back a little sooner than I imagined. In the end, it's all worth it, right? They'll be nice to us eventually. Breathe. Okay, I'm good. Going to make dinner for the wonderful men in my life!
Harry Potter is counting down the hours until my birthday. Alone. (sent from mobile)
Petunia Dursley wonders what the long, thin package Vernon Dursley is carrying contains… (sent from mobile)
Petunia Dursley wrote on Vernon Dursley's wall: Honey…what is that you're carrying?
Vernon Dursley became a fan of mysterious packages.
Harry Potter finds this toothless old man with a rickety rowboat to be suspicious. And questions his ability to lead all of them through a bloody storm. (sent from mobile)
Dudley Dursley: Unfortunately, I agree with you.
Harry Potter For the record, he doesn't know how the HELL this rowboat is going to carry Vernon Dursley AND Dudley Dursley THROUGH this dangerous storm. Those buffoons will sink everyone! (sent from mobile)
Vernon Dursley added "broken-down houses secluded in the middle of the sea" to their interests.
Vernon Dursley wishes he had some of those letters to help start a fire! (sent from mobile)
Harry Potter: Fuck you.
Harry Potter secretly agrees with Vernon Dursley – there's no way in bloody hell that any letters will come here. (sent from mobile)
Dudley Dursley wrote on Vernon Dursley's wall: THIS PLACE IS A SHITHOLE. I HATE YOU.
Harry Potter: At least you have a place to sleep! I'm sleeping on the FLOOR.
Dudley Dursley: A PLACE FIT FOR A SERVANT. YOU'RE LUCKY YOU'RE NOT SLEEPING OUTSIDE; YOU'RE SUB-HUMAN.
Harry Potter can't sleep. Not that he's surprised, really: he is sleeping on a cold, hard floor with an empty stomach. (sent from mobile)
Harry Potter Birthday Countdown: 5 minutes. (Hopes the roof isn't going to cave in – he'd rather not die in this shithole). (sent from mobile)
Harry Potter Birthday Countdown: 4 minutes. (Hopes 4 Privet Drive will be filled with letters so he can FINALLY manage to nick one). (sent from mobile)
Harry Potter Birthday Countdown: 3 minutes. (What the bloody hell is that noise? The water on the rocks?) (sent from mobile)
Harry Potter Birthday Countdown: 2 minutes. (Crunching noises?) (sent from mobile)
Harry Potter Birthday Countdown: 1 minute. (So close!) (sent from mobile)
Harry Potter Someone is actually trying to get into this broken-down shack? (YAY I'M ELEVEN!) (sent from mobile)
Chapter Four
Dudley Dursley Where's the cannon? (sent from mobile)
Harry Potter:Dumbass.
Dudley Dursley:GIVE ME A BREAK I WAS FUCKING SLEEPING. Like you've got any BETTER ideas?
Harry Potter:I THINK ANYTHING IS MORE LIKELY THAN A CANNON ON THIS DESERTED ISLAND IN THE MIDDLE OF A STORM.
Dudley Dursley:Touché. Still, fuck you, as always.
Harry Potter:Of course.
Harry Potter Seriously though…I know I said a cannon was a stupid idea but what the fuck was that noise? (sent from mobile)
(Dudley Dursley likes this.)
Vernon Dursley is venturing downstairs with his "package." (sent from mobile)
Petunia Dursley:And what is that going to do?
Vernon Dursley:God damnit, Petunia. I mean the mysterious package I brought in earlier tonight.
Petunia Dursley:Ohhhhhhhhhhh. I thought you meant…you know. Cause…that's not going to scare anyone.
Harry Potter:BURN! Nice, Aunt Petunia.
Vernon Dursley:STFU! :X
Petunia Dursley will probably pay for that comment later on…fuck. (sent from mobile)
(Vernon Dursley likes this.)
Dudley Dursley wrote on Vernon Dursley's wall: Hey, what are you going to do with your package?
Harry Potter:That's what she said?
Dudley Dursley:Yeah I guess. It works.
Harry Potter:HUZZAH! I never get those!
Dudley Dursley:Those things are rather hard.
Petunia Dursley:THAT'S WHAT SHE SAID!
Dudley Dursley:NEVER AGAIN!
Dudley Dursley Okay, now it's become obvious that my father is carrying a rifle down the stairs. WHO THE FUCK SOLD MY FATHER A RIFLE? (sent from mobile)
Petunia Durlsey:Shit.
Petunia Dursley Well, it's been a good life. I suppose. (sent from mobile)
Dudley Dursley OMFGZZZZZ GIANT, HAIRY MAN! (sent from mobile)
Dudley Dursley removed "peeing his pants" from their interests.
Harry Potter:Smelting sticks, peeing your pants, cannibalism – THE INTERESTS THAT YOU PEOPLE HAVE IN THE FIRST PLACE CONTINUE TO ASTOUND ME – this is what we call ABUSING Facebook!
Rubeus Hagrid and Harry Potter are now friends.
Vernon Dursley:WTF
Petunia Dursley:WTF
Dudley Dursley:WTF
Harry Potter:^_^
Rubeus Hagrid guesses that the notion of hospitality is dead. Seriously…is asking for a cup of tea really too much to ask for? (sent from mobile)
Harry Potter:Thank god you type better than you speak. Jesus.
Rubeus Hagrid:I WAS EXPELLED FROM SCHOOL AND FORCED TO LIVE A LIFE OF SOLITUDE, CONSTANTLY LAUGHED AT AND RIDICULED – good speech was kind of the least of my worries.
Harry Potter:Sorry ):
Rubeus Hagrid added "Hooked on Phonics"to their interests.
Rubeus Hagrid wrote on Harry Potter's wall: Wow, you look like your dad, but you've got your mum's eyes.
Harry Potter:for some reason, I'm sensing this is going to be a repetitive statement…
Harry Potter Sorry to be so brash about a stranger, but I haven't even seen a PHOTO OF MY PARENTS– the comment, "You look like your dad with your mother's eyes" means LITERALLY nothing to me. Just sayin'.
(Vernon Dursley likes this.)
Harry Potter:What could you possibly care about this statement?
Vernon Dursley:Dunno. I guess I think it's funny we hid any remaining photographic evidence of your family. That was one of Petunia's better ideas.
Harry Potter:As always, fuck you, you ruined my childhood.
Vernon Dursley:My pleasure.
Vernon Dursley wants to know WHO THE FUCK this bastard is that just broke into his deserted shack! (sent from mobile)
Rubeus Hagrid:Whatcha insecure cause you ain't the fattest one anymore?
Vernon Dursley:Yes.
Rubeus Hagrid:Oh…seriously? Sorry about that, then.
Rubeus Hagrid thinks that this Vernon Dursley is a great prune. (sent from mobile)
(Harry Potter and Dudley Dursley like this.)
Rubeus Hagrid sent Harry Potter a cake and a letter.
Harry Potter FINALLY! (sent from mobile)
Harry Potter wrote on Rubeus Hagrid's wall: You won't understand this, but this is honestly the best gift I've ever gotten. Like, seriously. My last birthday gift was a hanger and dirty socks.
Vernon Dursley:AND YOU WILL ACT GRATEFUL FOR EVERY MOMENT THAT WE DON'T MURDER AND EAT YOU.
Vernon Dursley added "cannibalism" to their interests.
(Dudley Dursleylikes this.)
Dudley Dursley is beginning to remember the reason he once loved his father. Can't buy this sort of happiness. (sent from mobile)
Harry Potter is still wondering who this giant is. (sent from mobile)
Rubeus Hagrid wrote on Harry Potter's wall: Check my bio, you lazy bum!
Harry Potter: I DON'T UNDERSTAND. "Keeper of Keys and Grounds at Hogwarts?" WTF DOES THIS MEAN? An explanation would be great right about now!
Harry Potter I think I'm on drugs – this giant man has come to visit me, has taken out a shitload of things from his pockets, including a kettle and sausages, and is now cooking the said food. What the hell is going on? (sent from mobile)
Harry Potter is no longer complaining – he is eating the most wonderful food in his LIFE. Take that, stale cornflakes and cold tinned tomatoes on toast! (sent from mobile)
Harry Potter wrote on Rubeus Hagrid's wall: I'm sorry, I still don't understand who the fuck you are. What is Hogwarts? Sorry…
Rubeus Hagrid IS GOING TO CHOKE A BITCH! (sent from mobile)
Rubeus Hagrid wrote on Vernon Dursley's wall: YOU DIDN'T TELL HIM EVERYTHING? HE DOESN'T KNOW ANYTHING? WHAT IS THIS FUCKERY?
Harry Potter: Okay, this is going a bit far; I'm not retarded like Dudley. My marks aren't bad and I actually go to classes.
Dudley Dursley: Fuck you – I resent that statement! I go to lunch, the most important period of the day!
Harry Potter: For you, physical education should be.
Dudley Dursley: I'M GOING TO EAT YOUR CAKE.
Harry Potter my parents are famous? I'M famous? EXCUSE me? (sent from mobile)
Vernon Dursley wrote on Rubeus Hagrid's wall: SHUT UP. I DEMAND YOU TO STOP TALKING. RIGHT. NOW.
Rubeus Hagrid: Eat shit, Dursley.
Rubeus Hagrid wrote on Harry Potter's wall: Harry – yer a wizard.
(Albus Percival Wulfric Brian Dumbledore and Neville Logbottom like this.)
Harry Potter:Maybe I'm not the one on drugs…are YOU on drugs?
Harry Potter is FINALLY going to read this bloody letter! If it's a magazine subscription, he's throwing himself into the sea. (sent from mobile)
Harry Potter: Well, it was certainly no magazine subscription, but I'm still CONFUSED AS HELL.
Rubeus Hagrid sent Albus Percival Wulfric Brian Dumbledore a letter.
Vernon Dursley wrote on Rubeus Hagrid's wall: HE'S NOT GOING. WE SWORE WHEN WE TOOK HIM IN WE'D PUT A STOP TO THAT RUBBISH.
Harry Potter: Are you seriously implying that you KNEW I was a wizard?
Petunia Dursley: Of COURSE we knew! Just like my sister, who was a total bitch. And a FREAK. But of course my parents were just so IN LOVE with her. It was disgusting. And then she met that Potter, and they ran off and got married and had you – another freak. But then, of course, she got herself blown up, and we got stuck with you're ungrateful arse.
Harry Potter: You told me they died in a car crash! Of course, I don't know why I didn't suspect that you were lying to me about everything…
Rubeus Hagrid became a fan of slow torture.
Rubeus Hagrid wrote on Harry Potter's wall: It's really not appropriate for me to explain the story of your fame, but you really can't go to Hogwarts without knowing, since that would be embarrassing. It all started with an asshole named Voldemort, but you CAN'T say his name. It was some fucked up shit – you couldn't trust anybody, and the government was in shambles. Anyway, You-Know-Who came to your house and killed your parents, because they were part of the resistance. He tried to kill you, but he epically failed. That's why you have that scar on your forehead. It's pure EVIL. But that's why you're famous: first to ever survive the Killing Curse. Pretty badass shit.
Vernon Dursley: THIS IS A LOAD OF HORESHIT.
Harry Potter: I totally forgot you existed for a moment. It was a beautiful moment, even if it was hearing about the murder of my parents.
Harry Potter wrote on Rubeus Hagrid's wall: Whatever happened to that asshole?
Rubeus Hagrid: Some say he died. Bullshit. I think he's still out there, somewhere.
Harry Potter thinks someone fucked up – how can he be a wizard? (sent from mobile)
Rubeus Hagrid: Trust me, you are.
Harry Potter: I instantly believe you.
Vernon Dursley thinks Dumbledore is a crackpot old fool and is NOT paying for him to teach Potter MAGIC TRICKS! (sent from mobile)
(Albus Percival Wulfric Brian Dumbledore, Petunia Dursley, and Dudley Dursley like this.)
Vernon Dursley:WTF?
Albus Percival Wulfric Brian Dumbledore:We all need to make fun of ourselves every once in a while! ^_^
Vernon Dursley:You are too goddamned happy. I want to literally bash your face in so hard that it resembles something that came out of my arse.
Albus Percival Wulfric Brian Dumbledore:So…your face?
Harry Potter: BURN! Nice, Mr. Dumbledore.
Vernon Dursley:GOD DAMN YOU MAGICIANS!
Harry Potter and Albus Percival Wulfric Brian Dumbledore are now friends.
Dudley Dursley I'VE BEEN ATTACKED BY A GIANT WITH A PINK UMBRELLA. (sent from mobile)
(Harry Potter likes this.)
Chapter Five
Harry Potter is relieved that this wasn't a dream and wonders how the hell he's going to pay for school… (sent from mobile)
Vernon Dursley: You won't be getting any money from me!
Rubeus Hagrid: You ignorant Muggle, YOU'RE not providing for him – Harry's parents left him with savings.
Vernon Dursley: …How much are we talking here? Don't you think we should be compensated for raising that child?
Harry Potter: You're joking, right? I was THIS close to calling the authorities, claiming I was being neglected or abused. You're lucky you're not behind bars, you fat bastard!
Harry Potter is now heading off to London with Rubeus Hagrid! Peace out, Dursleys – and as always, FUCK YOU. (sent from mobile)
(Rubeus Hagrid likes this.)
Rubeus Hagrid added "knitting" to their interests.
Harry Potter uploaded the album First Time in London!.
Rubeus Hagrid and Harry Potter were tagged in the album First Time in London!.
Harry Potter and Doris Crockford are now friends.
Harry Potter and Dedalus Diggle are now friends.
10 more similar stories
Harry Potter and Quirinus Quirrell are now friends.
Quirinus Quirrell wrote on Harry Potter's wall: P-p-pleasure to m-meet you, P-P-Potter. I'm t-t-teacher D-Defense Against the D-D-Dark Arts this y-year.
Harry Potter: Seriously? You stutter on the Internet, too? How annoying.
Harry Potter is now in Diagon Alley – holy SHIT. (sent from mobile)
(Rubeus Hagrid likes this.)
Harry Potter became a fan of Diagon Alley.
Harry Potter wrote on Rubeus Hagrid's wall: What's the You-Know-What in vault 713?
Rubeus Hagrid: Can't tell you, it's a secret. Hogwart's business.
Harry Potter: Did I forget to mention that I have a voracious amount of curiosity and that I WILL find out anything that is hidden from me?
Harry Potter and Rubeus Hagrid are now friends with Griphook.
Harry Potter What's the difference between a stalagmite and a stalactite? (sent from mobile)
Rubeus Hagrid: Don't ask me any questions, I'm going to be sick!
Harry Potter: This status wasn't directed towards you – it was toward the general public.
Hermione Jean Granger: Stalactites an the conical deposits that form at the roof of the cave and hang downward, while stalagmites are those that form on the bottom of the cave and grow upward, as water drips down from above.
Harry Potter: Who the fuck are you?
Hermione Jean Granger: Sorry, I stalk Facebook profiles and I rub my intelligence in other peoples' faces. Want to be Facebook friends?
Harry Potter: Is that a serious question? No!
Harry Potter IS FUCKING LOADED, HOLY FUCKING SHIT! (sent from mobile)
Harry Potter thinks goblins can be a bit nasty… (sent from mobile)
(Griphook likes this.)
Harry Potter has been left alone in a foreign street so Rubeus Hagrid could get a drink…how is any of this okay? (sent from mobile)
Harry Potter has just met the most unpleasant fellow in "Madame Malkin's." This is just for future reference to see if I ever meet him again. Hopefully not. (sent from mobile)
Rubeus Hagrid sent Harry Potter an ice cream.
Harry Potter wrote on Rubeus Hagrid's wall: What the hell is Quidditch?
Rubeus Hagrid: Oh, sorry! I keep forgetting how little you know!
Harry Potter: Thanks, Hagrid.
Rubeus Hagrid: It's a Wizard sport, kind of similar to football.
Harry Potter: Wait, do you mean football…as in the English sport? Or the American?
Rubeus Hagrid: English football!
Harry Potter:'Kay, just making sure. Go on.
Rubeus Hagrid: Meh, it's complicated. It has some balls, and people score goals.
Harry Potter: You really can't give me any more information on the subject?
Rubeus Hagrid: Time to get your schoolbooks!
Harry Potter: Oh my God…
Rubeus Hagrid sent Harry Potter a snowy owl.
Harry Potter wrote on Rubeus Hagrid's wall: Thank you SO much, Hagrid! This is the only decent present I've ever received!
Rubeus Hagrid: No problem. Don't expect you've received a lot of presents from the Dursleys.
Harry Potter: Do you recall the mentioned coat hanger and old socks?
Rubeus Hagrid: Yeah…no need to thank me, really.
Harry Potter is really excited to get his wand! (sent from mobile)
(Albus Percival Wulfric Brian Dumbledore likes this.)
Harry Potter and Mr. Ollivander are now friends.
Mr. Ollivander wrote on Harry Potter's wall: You have your mother's eyes! It seems only yesterday she was in here herself, buying her first wand: ten and a quarter inches long, swishy, made of willow. Nice wand for charm work.
Harry Potter: Lily's Eyes Comment Count: 2. And I really don't know how I'm supposed to respond to that. Is it supposed to have some deep, underlying meaning?
Mr. Ollivander: Your father, on the other hand, favored a mahogany wand. Eleven inches. Pliable. A little more power and excellent for transfiguration.
Harry Potter: Again, not sure how to respond to that.
Mr. Ollivander wrote on Harry Potter's wall: Sorry, by the way, I'm responsible for selling the wand that gave you that horrific scar and killing your parents.
Harry Potter: Who the fuck thought it was a good idea to give that obviously insane asshole a wand? Didn't he show psychotic tendencies at the age of eleven?
Mr. Ollivander is very suspicious of Rubeus Hagrid.
Harry Potter has never held so many sticks in his life. (sent from mobile)
Dudley Dursley: That's what she said.
Harry Potter:Really, Dudley? You don't even know what the hell I'm doing. You can't comment on any of my statuses that pertain to magic. Douche.
Mr. Ollivander sent Harry Potter a wand.
Harry Potter now has a wand! (sent from mobile)
Rubeus Hagrid wrote on Harry Potter's wall: Don't worry about your international celebrity status – just be yourself! Everything will work out just fine.
Harry Potter: You really don't know how irritating it all is – it's going to be rather difficult "being myself." These people expect the world from an eleven-year-old boy!
Rubeus Hagrid sent Harry Potter a ticket.
Harry Potter wrote on Rubeus Hagrid's wall: Wait, you're leaving me at the Dursleys for another month? You saw for yourself how they abuse me!
Rubeus Hagrid: Sorry, gotta go! Give Dumbledore the top-secret object from the vault! Tootles xoxox.
Chapter Six
Harry Potter FML – I have to live with the Dursleys for another month.
Vernon Dursley:BE GRATEFUL WE'LL EVEN STILL HAVE YOU. Because of you, our home was defaced with letters, not to mention, when you left the shack with your giant oaf of a friend, you shot us all two middle fingers.
Harry Potter:Yes, the only act of rebellion in my ten years of living in your house was a rude gesture as I left towards the one glimmer of hope in my entire life. Yeah, I've really disrespected you.
Dudley Dursley:As always, fuck you, Harry. These past few days without you have been the best days of my life. I even gained a grain of respect back for my father.
Harry Potter:I have been gone for a single day, dumbass.
Dudley Dursley:To be honest, even a moment of bliss without you feels like years.
Harry Potter is starting to feel invisible. For some reason, this is worse than being constantly despised by the Dursleys.
Vernon Dursley:Who are you?
Harry Potter:YOU KNOW WHO I AM.
Vernon Dursley: Potter? Doesn't ring a bell.
Petunia Dursley:Hehe (:
Vernon Dursley:Fix me a brandy, will you dear?
Petunia Dursley:I'm on it!
Harry Potter:NO. YOU WILL NOT USE MY STATUS TO FUEL YOUR RAMPANT ALCOHOLISM.
Vernon Dursley:Thanks. Life is so much better when we ignore…what's his name.
Harry Potter:RAWR!
Harry Potter and Hedwig the Owl are now friends.
Harry Potter added "hanging with Hedwig" to their interests.
(Hedwig the Owl likes this.)
Harry Potter removed "communicating with other human life-forms" from their interests.
(Hedwig the Owl likes this.)
Harry Potter:Alright, Hed, now you're totally rubbing it in.
Hedwig the Owl:Meep.
Harry Potter:Yeah, Hedwig, I get it. Enough.
Hedwig the Owl:Meep meep…
Harry Potter:Do owls even make that sound?
Hedwig the Owl:I'M A FUCKING OWL, HOW THE FUCK AM I SUPPOSED TO KNOW? YOU KNOW WHAT, FUCK YOU. JUST FUCK YOU. I CAN MAKE WHATEVER FUCKING NOISES I WANT – YOU'RE AN ELEVEN-YEAR-OLD BOY AND YOUR ONLY FRIEND IS AN OWL.
Harry Potter:Wow…I was…not at all expecting that reaction.
Hedwig the Owl:Punk-ass bitch…
Dudley Dursley Haha. The orphan who will be living in my house for the next month can't even keep an owl as his friend. ROTFLMAO!
(Vernon Dursley, Petunia Dursley, Hedwig the Owl, and 6 others like this.)
Harry Potter:FML.
Hedwig the Owl:Meep :P
Harry Potter became a fan of Hogwarts, A History.
(Hermione Jean Granger likes this.)
Hermione Jean Granger:WISH THERE WAS A LOVE IT OPTION! OMFG, I'M SO GLAD I'VE DISCOVERED ANOTHER HAH FAN!1!11!11! lolzzz
Harry Potter is no longer a fan of Hogwarts, A History.
Harry Potter is nervous about asking his uncle about a lift to the train...anyone available to give me a ride?
Hermione Jean Granger:I AM.
Harry Potter:Oh…never mind I just asked him! Don't need a ride anymore…heh…
Hermione Jean Granger:Maybe we'll meet on the train!
Harry Potter:Um…maybe…maybe not.
Hermione Jean Granger:Well, there's a very probable chance we're going to meet, whether it is on the train or not. I shouldn't have said "maybe," because the fact is it's almost definite that we will. The train isn't that large and we're both First Years.
Harry Potteris annoyed that the only person he knows going to Hogwarts is clearly a very arrogant, very intelligent, very annoying girl.
Dudley Dursley:Take what you can get, buddy. If you remember, your pet owl is THIS CLOSE to de-friending you.
Vernon Dursley:Hahahaha.
Dudley Dursley is off getting his tail removed…if you make fun of me, I'll hit you with my Smeltings stick.
Harry Potter:If you don't want anyone to make fun of you, why are you positing it as your status for all to see?
Dudley Dursley:I'm sorry, you've lived with me for ten years (as you so often LOVE to remind us)…don't you already know that I love attention?
Harry Potter:Right…
Harry Potter IS SO FUCKING EXCITED TO GO TO HOGWARTS.
(Albus Percival Wulfric Brian Dumbledore, Rubeus Hagrid, and Hermione Jean Granger like this.)
Harry Potter IS ON THE WAY TO KING'S CROSS. (sent from mobile)
(Hermione Jean Granger likes this.)
Dudley Dursley wrote on Harry Potter's wall: HAHAHAHA PLATFORM 9 ¾! WHAT A CROCK.
(Petunia Dursley and Vernon Dursley like this.)
Harry Potter: Fuck you.
Harry Potter Anyone mind helping me? Where is Platform 9 ¾? (sent from mobile)
Harry Potter:Never mind, just eavesdropped on a wizard family – I'm going to stalk them.
Harry Potter and Molly Weasley are now friends.
Molly Weasley wrote on Harry Potter's wall: Check my friends list for my son, Ron, it's his first year at Hogwarts, too!
Harry Potter: Will do…just mind explaining to me how to get onto the platform?
Molly Weasley: Just walk straight at the barrier between platforms nine and ten.
Harry Potter: Well, that sounds dangerous…
Harry Potter Made it onto the platform! (sent from mobile)
George Weasley and Fred Weasley are now friends with Harry Potter.
Fred Weasley wrote on Molly Weasley's wall: MUM guess who we just met! HARRY POTTER.
Harry Potter: I'm within the area, you know?
Ginny Weasley:Can I MEET him?
Molly Weasley: He's not to be oggle at in a zoo!
Harry Potter: Thanks, Mrs. Weasley, for having my back.
Harry Potter and Ronald Weasley are now friends.
Ronald Weasley wrote on Harry Potter's wall: OMFGZ! UR HARRY POTTER?
Harry Potter:Well…yes. You didn't realize that when I friended you?
Ronald Weasley:HUZZAH! UH…IDK…IDK! I CAN'T THINK I'M SO EFFING EXCITED!
Harry Potter:lol…
Harry Potter thinks this ginger kid is pretty funny. Is he joking around or is he really dense? Either way, I think we're gonna be besties. (sent from mobile)
(Ronald Weasley likes this.)
Harry Potter wrote on Ronald Weasley's wall: I very much enjoy your life, Ron. It seems much more interesting than mine.
Ronald Weasley:Wow…you have a lot to learn. I'm one of seven children. My life sucks.
Harry Potter:I spent the past ten years of my life living in a cupboard while my only living family members tortured, mocked, and abused me…
Ronald Weasley:Oh.
Harry Potter:Yeah…
Ronald Wealey:Awkward.
Ronald Weasley is starting to feel a lot better about his life. (sent from mobile)
(Harry Potter likes this.)
Harry Potter finds Ronald Weasley's pet rat, Scabbers, suspicious. Paranoid? Maybe. I'm just putting this on my status for future reference, in case something totally weird happens & this means something…if anything. (sent from mobile)
Ronald Weasley:Hey!
Harry Potter Also…what's the deal with this whole "He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named" shit? Seriously, aren't we giving him power by fearing his NAME? Am I right or am I right? (sent from mobile)
Ronald Weasley:Hold your tongue!
Harry Potter OH SHIT – CANDY! (sent from mobile)
Ronald Weasley:Um…I fear that you won't be exactly used to "wizard" candy, mate…but I am if you want to, you know, make a donation ^_^
Harry Potter:Oh shit…I'll take the lot!
Ronald Weasley is not a fan of corned beef – especially DRY corned beef, MUM. I know there's five of us but SHIT, get it together. (sent from mobile)
Molly Weasley: You ungrateful little…
Ronald Weasley:Sorry, Mum. Your dried corned beef is scrumptious.
Molly Weasley:That's my boy.
Ronald Weasley wrote on Harry Potter's wall: If you saw those comments…they were lies. Just in case you were thinking about not sharing the literal POUNDS of candy you just purchased because you honestly believe I'm content with corned beef shit.
Harry Potter:I wouldn't dream of keeping candy from you, Ron.
Ronald Weasley:Thanks, mate.
Harry Potter became a fan of Chocolate Frogs.
Harry Potter wonders why Dumbledore totez just disappeared from his Chocolate Frog Card. Weird! (sent from mobile)
Dudley Dursley:You just found out you're a fucking wizard and THIS is what surprises you?
Harry Potter:Get the fuck out of here, Diddykins.
Dudley Dursley:Pothead.
Ronald Weasley:Who is this kid?
Harry Potter:No one. A fat piece of shit.
Dudley Dursley:What am I, Pothead? No one or a fat piece of shit?
Harry Potter:God damnit, Dudley, I said get! Git!
Dudley Dursley:Ohh I'm so scared of you. I'm so scared of you and your lover Ronnie and your magic school. Shit.
Harry Potter:You should be scared. I could hex you…right, Ron?
Ronald Weasley:Heck if I know. I can't even manage to turn Scabbers yellow.
Harry Potter added "booger-flavored Every Flavor Beans" to their interests.
Neville Longbottom wrote on Harry Potter's wall: Hey, have you seen a frog?
Harry Potter:Neville? You're a wizard, too?
Neville Longbottom:Oh…er-yes.
Harry Potter:But we've been Facebook friends for months. You never mentioned that you knew who I was.
Dudley Dursley:Wow, way to be an arrogant prick, Pothead. Not everyone knows who you are.
Ronald Weasley:No, they do. We all do. Everyone.
Dudley Dursley:Shut up, ginger.
Ronald Weasley:How the fuck do you know the color of my hair?
Dudley Dursley:Um…I've been…you know, catching up on Pothead's status updates.
Harry Potter:I KNEW IT! This Facebook application that tracks the views on your page TOTALLY WORKS!
Harry Potter is now using the application Track Your Facebook for Stalkers!.
Ronald Weasley and Neville Longbottom are now friends.
Hermione Jean Granger wrote on Harry Potter's wall: HI! See, I told you we were bound to meet on the train! How spectacular! You've seen a toad? Neville lost one. Oh, yeah, and I'm very bossy. Just thought you should know in advance.
Harry Potter: Shit…and no.
Ronald Weasley:You know her already! She looks obnoxious. Also, she has bushy hair.
Hermione Jean Granger:And you are…? You're doing magic? Let's see.
Ronald Weasley: What the…?
Hermione Jean Granger: Wow. You're terrible at magic. How are you even a wizard? Nobody in my family is magic at all, and I'm the very best already, I see!
Hermione Jean Granger and Ronald Weasley are now friends.
Ronald Weasley is severely upset about having to accept Hermione Jean Granger as a friend. Whatever house I'm in, I hope she's not in it. She's rude, annoying, condescending, and pretty unfortunate looking.
Hermione Jean Granger: Excuse me? You aren't so pretty yourself.
Ronald Weasley: Yeah, okay. I'm adorable. Don't need you to recognize that, it's true. By the way, Harry and I both think you're totally creepy right now.
Hermione Jean Granger: I can see we're going to have a very interesting, tension-filled relationship.
Ronald Weasley: Yeah, whatever, Granger. Listen, I really, truly couldn't give a shit. I was perfectly content shoving candy down my throat before you showed up and forced me to question my place in the wizarding world and the fact that I might be totally suckish at magic. Thanks for that. Really.
Hermione Jean Granger: I will never apologize for being myself.
Ronald Weasley: Yeah, well I expect you'll be very, very lonely then, Granger. Have fun.
Ronald Weasley wrote on Harry Potter's wall: So, now that that bitch is gone, what's your Quidditch team?
Harry Potter: Um…I don't know any. I don't know if I mentioned this, BUT I WAS COMPLETELY UNAWARE OF BEING A WIZARD AND THE ENTIRE MAGICAL WORLD IN GENERAL UP UNTIL ONE MONTH AGO.
Ronald Weasley: Oh, right. Heh.
Dudley Dursley: Seriously, Harry? This is your boyfriend? You couldn't find anyone better?
Harry Potter: DUDLEY, STFU!
Dudley Dursley: Oooh, a little too sensitive, are we? Methinks you protesteth too much ;)
Harry Potter: Oh my goodness. You are so insufferable.
Dudley Dursley: I'm going to play video games and watch television and eat, simultaneously. Bye.
Harry Potter: You'll be ever so missed, fattie.
Dudley Dursley: Ooh, that hurt. I'm paining right now. Ouch. As if I'm trying to be thin. This is part of my image.
Harry Potter: Fat bastard just like your father…
Dudley Dursley joined the group Young boys with fat bastard fathers and eating disorders.
Harry Potter and Ronald Weasley are now friends with Draco Malfoy, Crabbe, and Goyle.
Ronald Weasley thinks that the name "Draco Malfoy" is funny. Who's with me? (sent from mobile)
(Harry Potter, Hermione Jean Granger, Neville Longbottom, and Crabbe like this.)
Goyle:I always knew you were disloyal, Crabbe.
Crabbe:It's called having a sense of humor, you twat.
Draco Malfoy:STFU, dumbasses.
Crabbe:We're not stupid, Mr. Malfoy.
Goyle:Yes, despite popular assumptions, we're actually more intelligent than you.
Draco Malfoy:I'm sorry…I was under the impression that you wanted to continue living?
Crabbe:Er…is this a trick question?
Draco Malfoy:Just as I said, dumbasses.
Draco Malfoy sent Harry Potter a handshake and an offer he can't refuse.
Harry Potter wrote on Draco Malfoy's wall: Hey, turns out I *can*refuse.
Draco Malfoy:Fuck you.
Harry Potter:You wanna fight?
Draco Malfoy:No. We want your Chocolate Frogs though.
Ronald Weasley:No fucking way. No one gets in between my Chocolate Frogs and me!
Harry PotterWow, Ron's good-for-nothing rat just became good for something. Nice bite, buddy! Maybe you're not so bad after all. (Why do I have this creeping feeling like I'll regret saying this?) (sent from mobile)
Harry Potter and Ronald Weasley became fans of Scabbers.
Hermione Jean Granger wrote on Harry Potter's wall: What the HELL is going on in here?
Ronald Weasley:This is an AB conversation, so C your way out.
Hermione Jean Granger:I didn't come here to be insulted – badly, may I add. I just wanted to tell you to put your robes on. We're nearly to Hogwarts! And stay out of trouble you two!
Ronald Weasley:Oh my god. Are you TRYING to be the most annoying bitch on the entire planet? What the fuck, I feel like I'm being Punked or something. You are literally so fucking annoying.
Harry Potter:Hey, Ron. I know she sucks, but turn it down a bit. I feel like she may be one of those…you know, suicide watches…
Ronald Weasley:Oh, true. I don't want to be responsible for that. Sorry.
Hermione Jean Granger sent Ronald Weasley a piece of useless information.
Ronald Weasley wrote on Harry Potter's wall: Who the fuck is she to tell me I have dirt on my nose? I'm one of seven children. Of course I have dirt on my nose.
Harry Potter is getting changed on the train to Hogwarts! Almost there, baby! (sent from mobile)
(Ronald Weasley likes this.)
Dudley Dursley:Oh my god, you guys are so fucking gay!
Harry Potter:I thought you were eating/video gaming/watching television…
Dudley Dursley:Some things you just can't ignore.
Harry Potter is totally at Hogwarts right now! (sent from mobile)
(Rubeus Hagrid likes this.)
Rubeus Hagrid:All right there, Harry?
Harry Potter:I'm stupendous!
Dudley Dursely:Harry, seriously. You have to give me an inch here. If you don't want me to call you homosexual, stop acting like a *flaming*homosexual. Not that there's anything wrong with that, just…own up to it for god's sake.
Harry Potter:Wow, I wouldn't expect you to be so tolerant of different orientations.
Dudley Dursley:Why don't you try giving me more credit, you fucking douche bag.
Harry Potter:Aaaand he's back, ladies and gents.
Harry Potter is literally going to shit his pants. Hogwarts is FUCKING AWESOME! (sent from mobile)
(Ronald Weasley and 148 others like this.)
Ronald Weasley is seriously stuck in a boat with Hermione Jean Granger? This blows. (sent from mobile)
Hermione Jean Granger: One day you'll appreciate me. ONE DAY.
Ronald Weasley: I can't tell you how much I know that's not going to happen. Ever.
Hermione Jean Granger: Hmph.
Ronald Weasley: I hate you.
Rubeus Hagrid and Neville Longbottom are now friends.
Rubeus Hagrid sent Neville Longbottom Trevor the Toad.
Neville Longbottom is sitting in a boat next to the great blogger: Harry Potter. Peeing my pants right now! AND Rubeus Hagrid found my toad. BEST DAY EVER. (sent from mobile)
A/N: Part II will be out shortly - this is complete, but it takes quite a bit of time to format it for FFN.
Please review! We love to hear your thoughts!
D+K